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SuBBrilliant News Archives- February 2000

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February 2000

Internet Time Forces Time Capsule's Early Open

Old Timers remember Back to 1990

by Bluedog (bluedog@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 09-Feb-00 04:42:45 EST:

JEFFERSON CITY, MO- (SBN) One rap with a hammer, and Jefferson City’s 1990 time capsule popped open in a widely attended ceremony this morning. Mayor Tom Spargel proclaimed it “a great day” for the city.

The city council decided last week that “with that Interweb speeding things up so much, 10 years is like unto a hundred.” The council went on to decree that, and that “we have to keep history relevant to our youth” by not looking too far into the past.

“Hell, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast,” said school superintendent Leonard Hemmings. “We can’t expect our children to understand 1000 years of history. We have to get on to other subjects.”

The township’s public school teachers will only teach history from 1950 to the present in the upcoming school year, as a means to “look forward rather than back,” according to Hemmings.

As he pulled a barely yellowed newpaper from the shiny aluminum capsule, Mayor Spargel read the headlines of the day aloud to the incredulous throng.

“Clark Kent proposes to Lois Lane,” “Ivana Trump files for divorce,” and “Milli Vanilli stripped of Grammy Award” produced audible gasps from the crowd.

A few oldtimers actually remembered some of the events of 1990, and chuckled at the 1990 prices.

“A gallon of milk cost $2.15, and a postage stamp was only a quarter,” said 56-year-old George Applegate. “Yep, those were the good old days.”

Gulf War veterans lit a candle of remembrance as the ceremony came to a close and everybody went back to work.

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Gore, Bradley, to Duel in Lieu of Primary

by Dugwood (dugwood@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 09-Feb-00 04:47:50 EST:

Democratic Presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley have taken the gloves off in the primary race.

The two have decided to forego further primaries in South Carolina and California, favor of a pistol dual at noon on Tuesday.

At an hour-long debate, the two candidates sparred for over 50 minutes of an on one issue: whether to disburse WIC nutritional benefits by voucher or electronic "swipe cards."

Currently, low income women and children can receive monthly vouchers redeemable at most grocery stores.

Gore supports the current voucher system. While Bradley, in a press release issued during the debate, announced that "swipe cards" could save tens of thousands of dollars for the federal government.

In one heated exchange, Bradley said, "Swipe cards symbolize the difference between my opponent and myself. It's the difference between striving for a better tommorrow or carrying water for the Party's entrenched interests."

Gore responded. "You know my grandaddy used to tell me, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. My grandaddy died a few years back, and, well...I don't believe we should disgrace the memory of the hardworking men and women like my dear ol' grandaddy." Gore then pounded the podium and proclaimed "And I don't think we should change from good old fashioned WIC paper vouchers to swipe cards!"

Minutes later, Bradley referred to Gore as a "dope smoking, rich, prettyboy fuckhead."

Gore shot back: "My opponent is a Dr. Seuss character-looking, Kurt Rambis-wannabee."

Gore then proposed a dual of pistols, at noon on Tuesday.

Analysts agreed that the maneuver helps Bradley, since Gore seems to be a lock for the nomination. Bradley would, analysts agree, become the Democratic front-runner if Gore were to die or be incapacitated.

Gore agreed to the dual, he told reporters, because he is from gun-crazy Tennessee, while Bradley is from left-wing New Jersey.

Gore appeared embarrassed when reporters told him that Bradley, in fact, grew up in Missouri while Gore has spent only a few of his 50 years in Tennessee.

All of the five remaining Republican Presidential candidates believe that the WIC program should be eliminated entirely, as they don't think poor children and pregnant women deserve proper nutrition.

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Oliver Stone Scrapes for Movie Ideas

Ready to Produce "Jimmy"

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 09-Feb-00 04:52:16 EST:

HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. - Drawing on the success of his films "JFK" and "Nixon," film director Oliver Stone is set to begin shooting a new presidential film, tentatively entitled "JIMMY!"

The movie will focus on the life and presidency of Jimmy Carter, the Democrat from Georgia, who took office in 1976. Widely criticized for selecting the malaise of the Carter administration as the backdrop to his new film, Stone shrugged off suggestions that he was merely trying to cash in on the success of films depicting 1970s culture, such as "The Ice Storm" and "Boogie Nights."

"Nostalgia sells, it's true. But I'm not just making a movie to show bell bottoms, long hair, drug use, and promiscuity," Stone said.

Although he wouldn't provide details, Stone pointed to a riveting "stagflation" scene that is sure to have movie patrons on the edge of their seats. Carter's travails at "Studio 54" will also be shown, along with his famous admission that he "had lusted in his heart." The script reportedly also involves a conspiracy explanation for oil crisis of the mid-1970s.

Playing the role of the former president - best known today for his involvement in Habitat for Humanity - will be actor William H. Macy, with actor Tom Hanks portraying his booze-guzzling brother Billy Carter. Amy Carter will be played by Chelsea Clinton.

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Malaysia Embraces Jolly Roger

Shows Solidarity with South Carolina

by Quigley Bubblebottom (qbubblebottom@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:36:15 EST:

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -In a surprise show of solidarity with the government of South Carolina, Malaysian officials announced today that they would begin flying the Jolly Roger on all official state flagpoles.

"The pride South Carolinians show in their Confederate heritage has been an inspiration to us," said Malaysian Protocol Officer My Thang, "and has provoked an upswelling of pride in our own heritage of Malay piratism. The skull-and-crossbones IS Malaysia, and Malaysia backs South Carolina 110%. Argh!"

Citizens of Kuala Lumpur could be seen sporting swords and scabbards and hailing one another on the street with cries of "Avast there, me hearty, prepare to be boarded and scuttled!"

Sales of parrots have skyrocketed, and more than a few politicians simply would not be seen in public without a squawking parrot perched on their shoulder.

Support for such pride in heritage is reportedly also on the rise in such far-off places as Mongolia, where government officials are giving signs that the Mongolian flag may be replaced altogether in favor of a decapitated human head on a stake.

Whether this standard would warrant an honor guard of nomadic horseman-- at least when they were free from more pressing duties of sweeping across the steppes, raping and pillaging-- is not yet known.

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Breast Implants Declared Wards of Court

by Preciado (preciado@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:56:38 EST:

The divorce proceedings of Smith v. Smith took a dramatic turn yesterday causing two three year olds to become wards of the court.

An anniversary gift from Mr. Smith to Mrs. Smith, the pair of 36D breast implants resided with Mrs. Smith until yesterday morning, when the Los Angeles County Court Clerk remanded both minors into governmental care.

Neither party wants to split up the pair. Mrs. Smith continues to resist the plaintiff's demands for joint custody, or at the very least, visitation rights -- even with supervision.

"It's an outrage," splutters Dick Lesser, Esq., Mrs. Smith's attorney. "Mrs. Smith and the two three year olds have been inseparable, of one flesh January 17th, 1997. He has no right to try to wrench them apart now."

Not surprisingly, Buzz Gallacher, Esq., counsel to Mr. Smith, disagrees. "My client paid for the twins, cared for them with regular massages, and kept them well clothed. They are as much his as hers. "

The custody issue arose in the last three minutes of the case, when Mrs. Smith leapt across the table and attacked Mr. Smith.

The bailiff soon separated the two but not before one of the breasts popped out of its Wonderbra&rt; cup. The judge promptly declared the bosoms court wards for their own protection.

It is not known whether the twins will stay with the same foster family in the interim. A spokesperson from the Los Angeles County Child Protective Services states that while they try to keep siblings together, it's hard to find families willing to care for two minors rather than one, as the monthly stipend does not increase enough to make it worth their while.

In these "special circumstances," the spokesperson added, the young ones have a good chance of being welcomed with open arms.

And how are the unfortunate twins holding up? According to one observer, they, "still look perky, despite the circumstances."

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BBC 2 Announces "Please See TV" Thursdays

by Tim Bauer and Mariella Krause (bauerandkrause@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:45:57 EST:

LONDON - BBC Two has announced it's new Thursday night television lineup: "Kindly Please See TV If It Isn't Too Vexsome."

Thursday nights will be a powerhouse lineup of blockbuster shows, including the already popular programmes Are You Being Served?; Whose Line Is It Anyway?; and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

The complete lineup follows: 8:00 pm - Load My Shirt With Bangers And Mash (The Ian Connely Show)
8:30 pm - Sir Nigel Wallingham, P.I.
9:00 pm - Whose Line Is It Anyway?
9:30 pm - Did You Call An American A Twat?
10:00 pm - Why Are You In The Cupboard?
10:30 pm - Newsnight
11:20 pm - Could You Repeat That, Uncle Colin?
12:00 am - How Many Teeth Do You Have Left?
12:30 am - Let's Go To The Pub, Charlie Bingle
Missing from the lineup are the canceled programmes Ice Hockey With The Queen Mum; Latest Developments In The Princess Di Story; and Baywatch.

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Major League Baseball Admits All Eight Black Sox Were White

by Dugwood (dugwood@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:48:32 EST:

ATLANTA - Major League Baseball today set the record straight on the biggest scandal of its history, by admitting that the 8 Black Sox players accused of losing the 1919 World Series on purpose in exchange for payoffs from organized crime, were actually white.

Analysts agree that in the 120 year old history of big league baseball, this is the fastest the league has ever moved to right a wrong.

Bud Selig, the league's commissioner, said, "Our PR people in 1919 felt that it would be easier on the American psyche if the public thought the White Sox players were actually African-American. And everyone sort of played along."

Original correspondence made available to Subbrilliant News between then-commissioner Kennesaw "Mountain" Landis and White Sox owner Charles Comiskey tells the tale.

Since the television had not been invented, and most Americans in 1919 were illiterate, the two men believed they could pull off a hoax. Other ideas under consideration, according to the correspondence, were to identify the accused players as "Chinamen" so they could call the players "Yellow Sox"; or anarchists, so they could start a "Red Sox" scandal.

Historians, who recently became suspicious of the hoax since baseball had not yet been integrated in 1919, brought pressure to bear on baseball's establishment after carefully examining team photos of the era's White Sox clubs.

"In fact," said Ned Bertz, a University of Iowa scholar, "Not only were all the players involved white, but one -- "Shoeless" Joe Jackson -- was by most accounts a cracker."

Powerful Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner took time out from a local charity event called "Let's 'Tomahawk Chop' Youth Violence" to congratulate baseball's long overdue admission.

"I believe," said the billionaire, "That all of us have a solemn duty to, if you'll pardon the expression, 'tomahawk chop' racism wherever we see it."

In a related story, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Lee Rocker called baseball's revelation about the 1919 World Series "An obvious capitulation to the New York Jews who run baseball."

He then said that if his controversial statements end his baseball career early, he would use his name to his fullest advantage by starting a rockabilly band.

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US Steps Up Imprisonment of Free Radicals

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:50:25 EST:

WASHINGTON, DC - Activists flooded the US Capitol building today, protesting the government's plan to imprison free radicals.

"Cell death has gone too far," said Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC). "Look at poor Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC). Theft of an electron is still theft, and it must be punished."

Protesters see this as an attack on basic freedoms.

"We have the right to free speech. We have the right to an attorney. And we have the right to an electron deficient outer shell," shouted activist Pete Stover.

"If we punish electron transfer today, where does it stop? Covalent bonds? Complex molecules? We need to stand firm here for our fermionic freedom! Free radicals don't kill cells, lack of antioxidants kill cells."

Spokespeople for the US Congress said the government had no intention of revising it's attack on free radicals. They also announced special research into Dick Clark's face has provided important knowledge of how to better execute the initiative.

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Special Pair Declares Selves "Not Like Other Couples"

by Mariella Krause (mkrause@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:38:29 EST:

MINNEAPOLIS - This Valentine's Day, one very special Minneapolis couple will celebrate with the knowledge that they alone know the true meaning of love.

Erica Brooks and Kyle Peterson, twin-cities natives and ardent admirers of each other, knew from the start that they were different from other people. "See, we're soulmates," said Erica, coyly wearing Kyle's soccer jersey.

Many adults would dismiss the weeks-old relationship as puppy love, but Erica's parents are among the first to defend them: "They're amazing," said Erica's mother. "It's almost like they invented love."

"I feel kind of sorry for other couples. They don't even know what love is," said one of them or the other, which could not be determined as their identities became virtually indistinguishable.

It is perhaps no coincidence that Valentine's Day also marks the couple's five-week anniversary, and they are understandably optimistic about a long and bright future together: "Lots of people break up or get divorced. But we're not like them," explained Kyle.

"We're the real deal," they declared, in spooky near-unison.

"See?" added Erica, giggling. "We're always doing stuff like that."

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Steinbrenner Offers Jeter Pirates

by Laurel Smythe (lsmythe@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 12-Feb-00 20:52:48 EST:

NEW YORK -Yankee owner George Steinbrenner has made a surprise offer to Derek Jeter.

The stakes in recruiting top baseball talent have spiraled to unparalleled heights with the Detroit Tigers signing of an 8-year, $140 million contract with Juan Gonzales. In response, Mr. Steinbrenner has offered to buy Mr. Jeter the Pittsburgh Pirates.

"Derek loves baseball, so I thought I'd offer him a team of his own," said Steinbrenner through a spokesman. "What more could he want?"

Mr. Jeter's agent said there would be no deal with the Yankees unless both Boardwalk and Park Place were a part of the package, and would like to see hotels on both of them as a signing bonus.

Initially reporters thought Jeter's agent was joking about the popular board game Monopoly. However, Steinbrenner owns both Boardwalk and Park Place but only has a hotel/casino built on one of them.

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FOX Unveils "Who Wants To Crash Into A Millionaire?"

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 19-Feb-00 18:40:04 EST:

LOS ANGELES - Following up the remarkable success of Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?, FOX TV president Scott Maltby announced a new reality-based game show, where contestants win fabulous prizes by chasing and crashing into fleeing millionaires.

Filmed from a FOX News helicopter flying high above Los Angeles' interstate highway 110, the show features shirtless millionaires in white Ford Broncos, weaving through rush-hour traffic, pursued by women they haven't met.

It has not been determined whether the millionaires will be allowed to jump out of their vehicles and continue the pursuit on foot in the event that they drive the wrong way up an exit ramp and crash into a highway barrier.

"Because all the aging talk show guys are taken, like Regis and Maury Povich and that dude that used to do Love Connection," Maltby said, "our show will be hosted by Andy Griffith, doing his Matlock shtick to appeal to older viewers."

TV analysts expect that audiences will complain for days that the show is cynical and demeaning and then will flock to the show in record numbers. Reported by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com)

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Year 2000 Declared A Disappointment

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 19-Feb-00 18:33:05 EST:

LONDON - Public opinion and research polls show that the majority of the world's populace are very disappointed with the year 2000.

The Gartner Group says that most people regret leaving the comfortable familiarity of the 1900s and would return if given a chance.

"People believed the movies," sais press spokesperson, Yolanda Branch. "They're very disappointed with the lack of flying cars and personal jet packs. Viewership of shows like The Jetsons has plummeted as people now see them as a painful reminder of the failed promises of the year 2000."

Technological revolutions in the technology industry have led to personal computers more powerful than those that filled rooms in the 1960s. Branch says that's no consolation.

"We never wanted personal computers," said Branch. "Computers were supposed to be big and inscrutable and run by scientific geniuses. Now we not only lack the automated home of tomorrow but we all have to deal with running computers. People are not happy."

"I thought we'd at least have a space colony," said a very sad Morgan Smythe, 23, Brixton. "I mean even a small one. But no. Nothing. It kinda makes you think, you know. Yeah, I'd go back to the 1900s. The year 2000 hasn't done anything for me. I'd go back in heartbeat."

Scientists at the University of London have convened a conference on how to return people to the previous century.

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Fight Breaks Out At Hockey Game

by Laurel Smythe (lsmythe@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 19-Feb-00 18:38:47 EST:

BUFFALO -This past Tuesday's hockey game between the Buffalo Sabres and the San Jose Sharks was the scene of a horrific fight between players Olaf Strekorski (San Jose) and Jean-Paul Dubois (Buffalo) during the middle of the game. Spectators stood aghast as the two players engaged in a display of fisticuffs that ended with one of Mr. Strekorki's teeth being knocked out.

Referees immediately stopped the game and sent both players home to think about what they'd done. Hockey fans in the audience that night were stricken by the violence they'd witnessed.

Ms. Carol Oates of Tonawanda, New York, had a message for the players in question.

"Don't they know that there are children watching these games? What kind of message are they trying to send to them--that violence solves life's problems? I am ashamed that I brought my own sons and daughters to witness such a brutish display."

NHL Commissioner Paul Tobacconist expressed a similar sentiment.

"Hockey is about men skating and trying to push a piece of hard, round plastic into a net using sticks. Hockey is not about beating one another up. This isn't cricket, after all!"

Mr. Tobacconist promised to give both players a stern talking to and perhaps make them clean up the arena after their next game.

When contacted at their parents' homes, Mr. Dubois only spoke Quebecois and was therefore impossible to understand, but Mr. Strekorski lamely explained that, "I know not what is happening. I come onto ice and skate and Jean-Paul hits me into boards and I am suddenly like animal and strike back at him with fists. I am not violent man-- you must please believe this. I am not fit for to play hockey no more after this. Much shame for self and Strekorski family--for all families, everywhere."

With these remarks, Mr. Strekorski broke down sobbing. Hockey fans the world over were crying with him.

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Jim Carrey Dead in Bizarre Kaufman Twist

by Bluedog (bluedog@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 19-Feb-00 18:35:46 EST:

HOLLYWOOD - In the strangest twist yet in the Andy Kaufman story, Kaufman himself appeared announced that he has been living in West Hollywood as the actor Jim Carrey since faking his own death in 1984.

Addressing the assembled media, Kaufman asked, "Didn't it seem strange to anyone that Jim Carrey burst onto the scene in the mid-1980s, less than a year after my death?"

Kaufman's untimely 1984 death from cancer at age 35 raised questions about whether he was really dead or just going for the ultimate stunt.

After the sitcom "Taxi" ended in 1984, Kaufman began a descent into madness. Meanwhile "Jim Carrey" arrived on the scene in 1985 in Once Bitten, going on to unparalleled success with Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber, The Mask, Batman Forever, and finally, Man On The Moon, starring Kaufman as himself.

It now appears that "Jim Carrey" never existed. Kaufman produced documents from Los Angeles City Court proving he quietly changed his name to Carrey in 1984, shortly before his "death."

He also showed reporters a sheaf of royalty checks made out to Carrey. Slipping into his Foreign Man persona, Kaufman belittled the Hollywood press unmercifully.

"You are so stupid. There is no Jim Carrey, and there is no Man On The Moon. I left you many clues, but you missed every one! You are all dumb, and stupid. Thank you very much."

Kaufman went on to say that he has been living with actress Lauren Holly, who was divorced from "Carrey" in 1996.

"I laugh myself to sleep every night, you are so clueless. I am the master comedian and showman, and I'll wrestle anyone right now who says different!"

Universal Pictures had no comment on the strange turn of events. However, sources indicate that the studio is frantically beginning plans for When Strangeness Calls: The Jim Carrey Story.

The early word from the back lots is that Kaufman will audition for the lead.

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SUV Owner Hauls Wood

by Dugwood (dugwood@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 19-Feb-00 18:37:27 EST:

CHICAGO - At first glance, Peter Carlson may not look like another Marlboro Man. The 31-year-old Schaumburg, Illinois systems analyst and his wife Kathy will soon celebrate their first wedding anniversary with a wine-tasting tour through Northern California.

He's never rode a horse. He was recently promoted to project manager at the mid-sized consulting firm where he works. It landed him one of the company's prestigious corner offices.

But a "SBN Investigative Report" reveals another Peter Carlson. A Peter Carlson that has hauled wood in his Isuzu Trooper.

Last October, as the leaves fell from the trees in this Chicago suburb, Carlson made a decision.

"The wood company wanted 50 bucks to deliver the wood for our fireplace. I talked it over with Kathy. She said, 'honey we paid $34,000 for a four-wheel drive SUV, we got the 'rustler' package. You should go with your heart.'"

Experts in Tokyo and Detroit don't know if that's ever happened. One car company executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said he knows of an electrician in Minneapolis who carries his tools in an SUV, but he's never heard of anyone haul wood in one of the trendy Sports Utility Vehicles.

Kathy joined Peter on the wood-hauling trip.

"Pete was so excited. He called all his friends on his cell phone to tell them. Charlie, Chip, Tommy, Alex, Biff, Ted..."

"Sure it was dirty in there after that," joked Kathy, "but we have a Shop-Vac. It really didn't take very long to clean."

The Carlson's bought their 1999 Trooper last September, after their neighborhood association modified their ban on trucks, allowing SUV's, but still not open-bed pickups.

"We talked it over and signed the petition," said Peter. "We really weren't sure. We knew we didn't want just regular pick ups around here, and luckily our neighbors agreed. Some people thought allowing SUV's would encourage people from the city to move out to Schaumburg, but Joanne, our next-door neighbor, told us that SUV's in driveways would actually drive up our property values."

"My accountant told me an article I'd read in Business Weekabout SUV's low resale value after they become less trendy was alarmist. Then I got behind the wheel. It was all over."

Popular radio psychologist "Dr. Pat" Koswalski said that Peter's wood-hauling adventure might add up to great therapy. "He clearly has issues. His mother probably made him take piano lessons instead of going out for little league. I've seen it a million times with these SUV drivers," said Koswalski.

"The SUV's help him reclaim his natural place in the family unit and in his community. I call it 'unnecessary torque therapy.'"

But the Carlsons agree that their Trooper will see many more trips to the shopping mall than to the woods. Their SUV will seat their neighbors comfortably for next summer's "La Rio Vista Homeowner's Association's Monthly Cubs Bashes" to Wrigley Field.

Future plans? "I may even chop my own wood, then haul it myself," glowed Peter.

"I don't know..." he added with a shy smile. "I'll check with my chiropractor first."

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Subbrilliant Corporation To Sponsor “Austin Abs and Ass Fest.”

by Bluedog (bluedog@subbrilliant.com) Tuesday, 29-Feb-00 05:11:34 EST:

AUSTIN - Subbrilliant News is proud to be a sponsor for this year’s Austin Abs and Ass Fest. The fest, which will feature “America’s #1 Fitness Personality,” Denise Austin, is a benefit to raise money for Women At Risk To Have Obese Glutes (WARTHOG). The day’s events will include a 5K race, health and fitness fair, and free counseling to spouses of women that have this condition. “It’s not easy to live with a real fat-assed wife or girlfriend,” said Ms. Austin, who is known to millions through her “Buns of Steel” and “Rock-Hard Abs” workout videos. “These men are really suffering, having to face jiggling tummies and cellulite thighs in their kitchens and bedrooms on a daily basis. It can put a real strain on their relationships.”

Stairmasters and treadmills will be supplied for the event by Gold’s Gyms of Greater Austin for use by those suffering from WARTHOG syndrome. According to Brad Studmuffin, who owns two local Gold’s Gym franchises, “Last year I almost lost my breakfast watching those WARTHOGS pound our treadmills. But our objective is to help these husbands and boyfriends, and it’s worth it for such a good cause.”

The counseling sessions at last years’ fest were well-attended also. “This is as much a physical as a mental challenge for these couples,” said Ms. Austin, who posed and flexed for the crowd throughout the day. “For these guys to get their feelings off their chest is healthy,” she added. “By the way, a few minutes on a Stairmaster wouldn’t hurt some of them, either.” Those attending the counseling sessions will also get to fondle Ms. Austin’s abs and buns for an additional $1 donation. “I believe I may need a little counseling myself,” said Mr. Studmuffin.

The fest will be held Sunday, March 5, at the State Capitol Complex. Admission is $5.00 or a “Lean Cuisine” entree that will be donated to a local WARTHOG chapter.

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Profile of a Game Show Winner

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Tuesday, 29-Feb-00 05:08:38 EST:

OWENSBORO, Kentucky - Owensboro resident Rosie Bucket sat down with SuBBrilliant reporter Kierkegaard to discuss her recent appearance on the NBC game show "Twenty-One" where Bucket won $630,038. The following is an excerpt of their conversation:

 Kierkegaard: So how did you become a contestant on "Twenty-One?"
Bucket: The only reason I went on the show was because I thought I was going to meet Ralph Fiennes. I had no idea money was involved.

 Kierkegaard: But you ended up winning $630,038. How did that happen?
Bucket: I imagined three numbers that would add up to 21. I was torn between "9- 4-8" and "6-9-6", but "7-7-7" won out in the end. I did that several times. Oh, and I answered some questions, too.

 Kierkegaard: How do you plan to spend your winnings?
Bucket: I want to pay off my student loans and then maybe I'll bail out a small foreign country.

 Kierkegaard: Do you have any other plans?
Bucket: I'm going to build a Bridge to the 21st Century. It'll be red, like the Golden Gate Bridge.

 Kierkegaard: How did you practice for the show?
Bucket: I played blackjack a lot.

 Kierkegaard: What was meeting Maury Povich like?
Bucket: When I first saw him, I thought I was on a talk show so I picked a fight with the other contestant. Fortunately, the crew broke it up before taping began.

 Kierkegaard: Were there any other tense moments?
Bucket: At one point I panicked because I thought my bra strap was showing.

 Kierkegaard: Most people win sums of money with round numbers, but you won $630,038. How did you win the extra $38?
Bucket: That was a side bet I had with (Povich). I can't go into the details, though, because Connie Chung might be reading this.

 Kierkegaard: It sounds like you had a good time. Do you think you'd appear on a game show again?
Bucket: I would consider it. But this time I want to pick letters instead of numbers so Wheel of Fortune would be my first choice.

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Wealthy Man Pays Taxes

by Regina Preciado (preciado@subbrilliant.com) Tuesday, 29-Feb-00 05:14:56 EST:

LOS ANGELES,- Wealthy Bel Air resident Jim Potts stunned friends and neighbours by voluntarily paying his taxes, and taking only standard deductions. Wealthy residents all over the country are concerned that this could set a precedent.

"We don't know what to make of this," said Robert Portly and Dale Fasch, who used to play golf at the country club with Potts every Saturday. "Wealthy people just don't pay taxes. That's why we have the working class."

Portly is chair of the Bel Air Golf Club Membership Acceptance Committee, which will convene on March 16, 2000, to review Potts' unprecedented actions. "We hate to be exclusionary, but there's really no excuse for this sort of thing," he says. "It's not even the amount that matters -- it's the principle of the thing."

Potts' club membership is on probation until the membership committee decides whether his behaviour warrants a warning or actual expulsion from the club.

Potts, known for the blockbuster hits Stand By Me, Sit By Her and Two Lovers, A Painting, And A Sinking Ship, chose to itemize his expenses rather than take the standard deduction for a single person filing individually. Among the deductions were his mortgage and several charitable donations. Despite these reductions in his taxable income, Potts still came out owing $1,539 to Uncle Sam.

Potts prepared his tax forms by himself after a falling out with his accountant. "I realized I could do it myself in the same amount of time it would have taken me to find a new accountant," says the retired film producer.

"It was pretty easy, actually and I feel it was the right thing to do," he adds. The golf club could not determine what Potts meant by, "the right thing."

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