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SuBBrilliant News Archives- April 2000

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April 2000

Relief Spelling Finally Determined

Proctor & Gamble Still Dispute Ruling

by Rev. Tyrone Dye & Lurkette (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 01-Apr-00 08:36:51 EST:

WASHINGTON, DC Released today, a joint paper of the American Truth in Advertising Commission and English Teacher Drella Street of Acme Elementary School, announced that "Rolaids does not spell r-e-l-i-e-f. Every literate person in America knows that relief is spelled ahhhh"

Proctor & Gamble, the product's manufacturer, denies the claim, and insists they will prove their case during the Great American Spelling Bee to be held in Huntsville, Alabama next March.

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Lobbyists Produce Hybrid Candidate

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 01-Apr-00 08:34:31 EST:

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Toyota's recent automobile innovation in mind, lobbyists announced yesterday the introduction of the new Hybrid American Presidential Candidate.

The hybrid candidate will run on a combination of campaign contributions and hot air, lobbyists said.

Like electricity in the Toyota hybrid car, the candidate will never require recharging and will never run out of hot air. The candidate will also feature a brain that smarts enough to determine when money should be used to woo voters and when hot air is sufficient.

Creators of the Hybrid Candidate are reportedly the same people who did Max Headroom in the 1980s. Also working on the project were designers from the movie "Bicentennial Man."

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Hospital Cuts Costs by Cutting Out Patients

by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 19-Apr-00 14:40:32 EST:

URBANA, Illinois - Carle Hospital has announced a plan to cut patients in an effort to bring the troubled hospital back into the black.

Studies show that allowing sick people to come in and stay in a hospital, dramatically affects profitability.

"More patients does not mean more profit," said Dr. Rich Stephenson. "And let's face it. A hospital is a business. Our bottom line is making money."

Carle plans to cut out loss makers like treating the ill, and consulting with the sick.

"We'll hold on to our very profitable surgery, and emergency room operations, as well as our very profitable, band-aid and aspirin re-sale businesses. But treating the sick just doesn't make financial sense anymore.

Carle hopes to expand it's gift shop with the extra room.

"We're also kicking out long term patients," said Dr. Stephenson. "We're tired of being saddled with their debts."

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You Can Have Orgies without Sex

Advocacy Group Tries to Educate Teens

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 19-Apr-00 14:33:37 EST:
WASHINGTON, DC - The advocacy group Orgies Without Sex (OWS), kicked off an ad campaign yesterday, attempting to teach kids how to have safe, fun, innocent orgies.

Spokesperson for OWS, Tina Luston, stated that the group wants to promote a more old fashioned Roman style of orgy.

"Roman orgies focused on overloading ALL the senses, not just the sexual ones. In a land flowing with junk food and television, we believe kids today can and should have safe fun orgies."

Ads for the campaign feature young naked nubile bodies rolling around in a teenagers bedroom while munching on Doritos (co-sponsor of the campaign), watching The Simpsons and playing video games. One of the kids tries to kiss another and the fun stops.

"Hey Pat, what are you trying to do?" asks one of the children.

A discussion follows where the kids dialogue explains that an orgy doesn't have to mean sex and that a clean, fun orgy really should do without it.

OWS created the campaign in response to statistics that showed a startling climb in the percentage of teenage orgies.

"We want to clean up orgies," said Luston. "It doesn't have to be a four-letter word."

OWS also promotes the spelling orgie.

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Canada Not A State, Study Shows

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Sunday, 23-Apr-00 04:33:19 EST:

PLANO, TX --- Canada, the large mass of land that appears at the very top of maps but gets mostly cut off, is not a state, as it appears, but is actually an independent nation, according to a geography report released today.

The report, part of a geography assignment by Mary Picking of Plano Junior High, also stated that ?many interesting people come from Canada.?

The report did not speculate why all the talented ?Canadians,? as Picking calls emigrants from the nation-state, left.

But Picking did say, in a press conference coinciding with the release of her study, that many of the emigrants, such as Paul Schaeffer, Howie Mandel and Mike Myers of ?Austin Powers? fame, may have been persecuted in their home country for looking too American.

Not necessarily true, said Phillip Gunterson, deputy secretary of the American Immigration and Naturalization Service, which handles the flood of Canadians applying for American citizenship. ?Most Canadians are simply tired of living in these things they call ?provinces?,? Gunterson said, ?instead of in states, like normal people.?

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