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SuBBrilliant News Archives- October 1998

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Rushdie's Freedom Causes Joblessness

Terrorist Industry Lays Off Thousands

Fri., 2 October 1998 17:50:35 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

TEHRAN, IRAN 2-OCT-1998 (SBN) - Terrorists Economic Auditors Association (TEAA) announced drastic layoffs in the terror industry today. 15 of the 20 leading islamic terrorist associations have laid off thousands in response to the removal of the price from author Salman Rushdie's head.

"While many of these organizations still vow to eliminate Rushdie, the removal of the reward makes it costly to pursue the staffing previously devoted to the project," said TEAA spokesman Mohammed El-Sabim.

The leading organizations have devoted costly efforts to track down and kill Rushdie in the hopes of gaining reward money previously promised by the Iranian government.  Iran recently rescinded the offer.

Some terrorist agencies have kept their Rushdie departments.  These agencies are seeking private funding from philanthropical organizations.

"Our Rushdie department is efficient and organized," said one anonymous terrorist leader, "They have benefitted the entire organization with their example of dedication and we will not allow that to go unrewarded even if Iran will."

The layoffs will hurt an already weak Iranian economy.  Fewer than 30% of those laid off are capable of being retrained for other terrorist duties in less than 2 years.

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5 Dimensional Beings Sue For Discrimination

Say it's a "3-Dimensional World"

Tue., 6 October 1998 18:52:31 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

DENVER, 6-OCT-1998 (SBN)Barioness K3lsn¶hj and Lf1/2¾µ Franclin filed suit in the 10th Circuit of the US today, charging the US Government with discrimination with intent to exclude.

"This is a violation of the constitution," said lawyer for the pair, Jarod Smith.  "These people will not be ignored any longer."

K3lsn¶hj and Franclin claim that as 5 Dimensional beings, it is impossible to vote, find jobs or live the normal life a 3 dimensional being is capable of.

"They're tired of it," said Smith.  Employers won't hire them because they claim they never show up on time.  What they don't understand is that 5 dimensional beings have a different conception of space-time.  Do you fire a man in a wheel chair because he can't stand up?"

The US attorney calls the suit, "a farce" and predicts that K3lsn¶hj and Franclin will not even show up for the hearing.

"They will try to manifest in the 3 dimensional court room that they are foreced to use for their grievance to be heard, " said Smith. "However, they will most likely not be able to communicate directly with the judege, the jury or the lawyers. They have been able to locate my brain and can easily speak to my inner ear.  But unfamiliar people are often confused with dust by them."

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Neatness No Longer Counts

Leeds School Teacher Flaunts Traditional Code.

Thu, 8 October 1998 14:06:15 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

LONDON, 8- OCT-1998 (SBN) Miss Leanor Rench of Leeds School, announced today that neatness would no longer count.  School officials across the country have denounced the unilateral removal of neatness requirements by Miss Rench.

Rench claims that, "as long as I can understand what the Child is trying to do, I don't see any reason to require some kind of draconian arbitrary 'neatness'.  Who decides what is 'neat' anyway?"

"Teaching that neatness counts is a tradition for young people, teaching them respect for authority and the dangers of nonconformity.  Miss Rench wants to subvert all that.  It would mean anarchy," said Mr. Frank Scott, science teacher at Pearlton school, and head of the newly formed Neatness Counts Council.

Many school officials are worried that other teachers may follow Rench's example and have begun a campaign to require teachers to enforce neatness or face fines and possible termination.

The Neatness counts Council has issued a pamphlet explaining that those who do not enforce neatness, show signs of drug use, moral debauchery and unsanitary minds.

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House of Representatives Shoulder Burden of Capitol Decision Making.

Minutes of Oversight Committee Published

Mon., 12 October 1998 22:09:34 GMT Story from SBN /Lurkette
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 12-OCT-1998 (SBN)Preliminary Memorandum of the Chairman of the House Oversight Committee [Bill Thomas, R-CA] Concerning Referral of the Office of the Independent Counsel, the Preliminary Response of the President of the United States to the Referral of the Office of the Independent Counsel and Subsequent House Resolution 588

Resolved: Following Review by the House Oversight Committee on the Judiciary pursuant to Section 595(c) of Title 28 U.S. Code, the following recommendations will be implemented:

Following the Recommendations of Rep.'s Kay Granger (TX) and Billy Tauzin (LA) the following items will be added to the House Restaurant menu:

Four Alarm Fire Chili
Gulf Gumbo
Beenie Weenie Casserole

A correction to the Congressional Record will be made to reflect that Rep. Vito Fossella (R-NY) was not Absent from his House Seat last week and did not accompany Rep/ Maurice Hinchey (NY) to Florida where they did not attend the Grand Opening of a Hooter's club in Miami.

A Committee to Enhance Congressional Parking Facilities was selected.  Mathematic and Physics Experts will be consulted in a redesign of parking placement which will ensure parking spaces are closest to the door in order of seniority and that congressional aids will be ensured topographically, the farthest spaces.

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DC Commuter Trends Change Drastically

Washngton DC NW a Ghost Down

Sat,  13 October 1998 20:05:35 GMT Story from SBN / Lurkette
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON - 13-OCT-98 (SBN) Washington DC's Metro system and Northwest area merchants reported significant changes in commuter behaviour recently. After work trains have become jam packed while after work bars have become dead.

"I had'n seen anything like this sine '87 - when that movie "Fatal Attraction" came out", exclaimed Benny Figurroa, a conductor for the Virginia Railway Express Manassas Line. "These guys are in One Big Hurry to get home, I can tell you that. We added 117 extra coaches and it still ain't enough. The 5:49 to Burke Centre overflowed to the 6:19 and there was 3 or 4 fights on the platform over who was gettin' on and who wasn't. Most of these guys are carrying flowers home and I thinks that's the only thing that keeping the fights down."

Amtrak spokesman Vinny Piccarrella said his company would no longer honor V.R.E. passes because riders are now willing to pay full fare to get to their homes in Maryland and Virginia before 6:30 pm.

Both Virginia Railway and Amtrak are discontinuing the late night scheduled commutes because "it isn't cost effective to run a train all the way from DC into Virginia for one or two silly Andy Capp's".

Third quarter sales reports show a remarkable drop in the number of hotel rooms rented in the DC area, and a slump in dry cleaning purchases has caused several shops to go out of business this quarter. Area bars are also suffering from a lack of patrons.

"I dunno where all those senators and stuff went, but it's quiet as hell in here", said waitress Molly Deason. Twin Peaks is a popular watering hole near the Capitol. Deason said that if it wasn't for all the single women coming out to party, the whole town would be dead at night. "They sure seem to have a lota money to burn, lately", she said.

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God Announces Plans

Issues Forms For Requests To See Your Plan

Fri., 16 October 1998 22:48:32 GMT Story from SBN /Pilot X
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

HAMBURG 16-OCT-1998 (SBN) In a press conference today, God announced he has a plan for all of us.  Individuals can request a copy of the plan using form PFM-22A, available for download on the web.

"God has heard many people claim that God had a plan for them, so he decided maybe it was a good idea if he came up with some," said Archangel Michael in a press conference.

"It was really nothing," said God. "I am omnipotent after all.  I even knew what question you were going to ask.  Basically though, they're just guidelines really.  Sort of a set of ground rules for each individual life.  I was particularly interested in the autistics.  They seem to need the least guidance really and have the closest relationship to the divine.  did I ever tell you about..." God was ushered out before he could begin relating the story.

"Basically the big guy can get carried away," said Michael. "But he knows that.  well of course he does.  Anyway, the forms should be sent via postal service to Plan Notification Processing Attention:Earth Desk 1001 Main Street, New Jerusalem, Heaven.  You can expect an answer anywhere from 2 weeks to 1,000 years as the divine beings working in our processing department have no concept of space or time."

Religious leaders the world over have begun praising the announcement.  Some brokerage companies have already set up to insuer fast processing of plan notification.

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Rain Washes Away All Evils

Las Vegas Economy Devastated

Sat., 17 October 1998 12:27:33 GMT Story from SBN /  Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

LAS VEGAS, Nevada, 17-OCT-1998 (SBN) - A drenching rain washed away all evil in Nevada yesterday evening, ruining the economy of Las Vegas, noted "Sin City."  Smaller gambling communities such as Reno and Carson City were also affected.

"I've never seen anything like it," said casino owner Kubior Oe. "It's as if the cleansing waters of heaven came down and purified everything, wiping the sin from the city.  I'm ruined."

Local businessman and rumored prostitution ringleader Joe Scarpelli said he had never seen anything like it. "I've lived in Vegas for 50 years.  I've dealt with all manner of preachers and religious types in my line of work and I've never heard of this kind of thing.  It's inconceivable."

Casinos remained closed early today, citing a lack of "proper equipment and personnel," to operate.  Many former hucksters found themselves volunteering at local charities.

The most interesting repercussions of the divine precipitation occurred in the prostitution and marriage industries.

While pimps found themselves unable to work and driven to volunteering at women's shelters.  Many prostitutes found they could remain on the job if they wanted.  About 24% have done so.

In the marriage industry, about half of the famous Las Vegas marriage chapels sprung leaks and were ruined by the rains.  The other half have seen a five fold increase in business.  The Elvis chapel seems shrouded in an unearthly glow attributed to poor drainage.

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Congressmen Turn To Internet This Election

'Keywords', 'Hits' and 'meta tags' Become Stock and Trade for Election Hopefuls

Sun, 18 October 1998 19:41:34 GMT Story from SBN /Christian Cantrell
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

 WASHINGTON, 18-OCT-1998 (SBN) As Congressional candidates turn toward the World Wide Web in search of wide-spread and inexpensive media exposure, competition for hits has become fierce. In desperate attempts to lure specific blocks of voters, conservative and liberal webmasters alike are offering such enticements as recipe libraries, interactive games for children, free pornography which guarantees not to compromise the user’s identity, and detailed instructions on the assembly of various types of explosive devices as well as tips on how to elude the FBI.

Even candidates who say they are relying on the issues to attract responsible voters to their pages are not above slipping a few irrelevancies into their site’s meta tags: (pieces of code which allow Internet search engines to conduct key word searches). In addition to the old trick of including the names of your competition, few site’s concerned with the upcoming election can be found which do not include the keywords “monica, lewinsky, scandal, cigar, blowjob, stain, dna, breast, breasts, oprah, titanic, leanardo, dicaprio, brad, pit, matt, damon, julia, roberts, sharon, stone, demi, moore, sluts, money, wealth, rich, quick, microsoft, howard, stern, ufo, doctors, lawyers, guns, blood, guts, violence, sex, hanson” and a variety of other words not considered suitable for reproduction here.

According to one candidate (who will receive no free endorsement from us), “I never got any hits until I put up some animations of ‘South Park’ characters saying cuss words.”

Probably the most extreme case of a candidate desperate for media attention came from an unidentifiable Arizonian U.S. Congressperson wannabe who actually resorted to a two-pound claw hammer to accumulate hits and must now beg for campaign and food contributions with a crow-quill and his own blood on sun-bleached USA Todays and Arizona Armadillos.

According to this particular candidate’s final posting, the north western Makah Indian tribe should be able to kill as many gray whales as they feel like using whatever weapons they can purchase from amateur Indian gunsmiths, the homeless should all be given ambassadorships, Woody Allen should stop making movies and start producing exercise videos, and MIAs and POWs should really be called SOLs.

According to a TIME/CNN poll, candidate S. actually has more to gain from the talk- show circuit and as a religious cult leader in the west if he were to lose than if he had to relocate to the more temperate Washington D.C. area.
Christian Cantrell is the Editor of American Asphalt Journal and A Regular Contributor to SuBBrilliant News

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Oompa-Loompa Troops Invade Munchkin Land Of Oz!

Oz Triumvirate Barely Escapes

Mon., 19 October 1998 23:59:35 GMT Story from SBN / Rev. Tyrone Dye  <AKA Tyedye>
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

EMERALD CITY 19-OCT-1998 (SBN) - (Emerald City, Oz)     After years of border skirmishes and Munchkin persecution, war finally erupted between the Republic of Oz and neighboring Loompa-Land.

In a brilliantly coordinated attack, armored Oompa-Loompa cavalry riding atop domesticated Vernicious Knids attacked Oz border outposts, overwhelming distracted Munchkin Storm Troopers who were celebrating the Ruby Red Slipper Festival.  At precisely the same time, 4 squadrons of Kamikaze hot air balloons clashed with Ozzie Flying MilitiaMonkeys in the sunny skies above Emerald City.  But without The Wicked Witch Of The West to lead them, the MilitiaMonkeys were slaughtered like opposable thumbed gnats, leaving the Capital City of Oz defenseless.

The Triumvirate Government of Oz escaped the seige, and were immediately granted asylum at Universal Studios, Hollywood.  Said Ozzie spokesman, The Scarecrow, "This vicious attack on Munchkin Nationals was unprovoked and unreasonable.  No one with a brain can condone such aggression."  The Tin Man and The Lion could not be reached for comment. Hopes for a last minute intervention by Glenda, The Good Witch Of The North, were dashed when it was learned that she had been detained by US Custom's Officials after vacationing in Salem, Massachusetts.

Oompa-Loompas, with their population and territory diminished by predation from carnivorous Hornswagglers, were recently denied by Oz the raw materials needed to manufacture Fizzy Lifting Soda Pop, a pacifying soft drink concoction they developed an addiction to while enslaved by an evil Swiss chocolate magnate in the 1970's.  Withdrawals from the mysterious brew have seemingly transformed the amiable Oompa-Loompas into a paranoid race of tempestuous sociopaths.

Loompa-Land, whose primary export is Snozberries, is a DisneyWorld enclave embraced   between the borders of Oz, Israel, the Palestine West Bank, and the Dutchy Of Fenwick.  It has been a country in confusion since the devaluation of the Wangdoodle and the subsequent purchase of their entire nation by the Disney Corporation in 1989.  In 1990, Loompa-Land religious leaders declared Donald Eisner, Disney CEO, the Anti-Christ.

After news of the invasion reached Wall Street, NASDAQ Averages plummeted, with Disney stock curiously showing a 6 point gain by the closing bell.   Some critics are claiming that the hostilities are merely a publicity stunt, staged to garner interest in a prospective movie sequel or two.

But the United States issued a strong condemnation of the assault. Said US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright to a Harliquin Romance frenzied mob assembled outside of Presidential Impeachment Hearings, "It really wasn't very neighborly.  Those people should all grow up."

CNN will be covering the invasion live from Emerald City, beginning at 9am EST tomorrow.

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Netanyahu Renounces Agreement

Blames English Translation

Fri., 23 October 1998 19:53:42 GMT Story from SBN /Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WHY, Maryland 23-OCT-1998 (SBN) Mere hours after the historic signing of the middle east peace agreement, Israel Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu renounced the agreement.  The Israeli leader told reporters a grave misunderstanding had caused confusion before he signed.

Earlier this afternoon, American ambassadors were beaming at the triumph of once again bringing seemingly irreconsilable parties together.  Netanyahu claims this is the source of the problem and tore up his copy of the agreement.

"Suddenly I asked myself, why are we in the United States?  Why are we letting the Americans dictate what our peace is?  And why is the agreement written in English?" said the Prime Minister.

After an aide translated the agreemen, Netanyahu exploded in anger according to Israeli sources.

"He thought it was an exporting agreement for peas, not peace," said an anonymous Israeli aide. "The Americans also led him to believe he would be getiing land in exchange for peas."

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat responded shortly after Netanyahu's press conference.  The Palestinian said he also was upset but that he would be willing to negotiate a new agreement in a new location.

Sources close to the Palestinians report that Arafat assumed he was exchanging sand for cheese.

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Beetles Threaten Environment

Hatred Is The Answer Say Environmentalists

Mon., 26 October 1998 21::27:44 GMT Story from SBN /C. T. Cantrell
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

NEW YORK 26-OCT-1998 (SBN) -With the accidental introduction of the Asian long-horned beetle into New York and Illinois, many American environmentalists are finding themselves faced with a staggering moral dilemma: though the two-inch long insects wreak havoc on maples, poplars, aspens and willows, they clearly have as much of a right to survive as any other species.

According to the National Institute of Big Chinese Bugs, granola and L.L.Bean aficionados are resolving their inner conflicts by appealing to a little known technicality of ecological conservation which states that environmentalism does not necessarily preclude racial and ethnic intolerance.

“What we’ve discovered with a little bit of research,” Cathy Sadler, a Vermont syrup collector and preferred REI shopper, “was that we can hate these beetles not because they’re potentially destructive organisms, but because they’re Chinese organisms.”

“They’re Chinks, they’re slant-eyes,” says James Watts, Chairman of the University of Illinois ecology department. “They ought to go back to their own forests.”

The Asian American Environmental association faces the more difficult challenge of self hatred. "We feel its important for the betterment of mankind, said chairman Jennifer Lin of the California chapter.

While the majority of environmentally correct citizens are now comfortable with their emotions regarding the foreign pests, insect advocates are lobbying state officials to consider any intentional killing of the Asian long-horned a hate crime.
C.T.Cantrell is Editor of The Journal of American Asphalt and regular contributor to SuBBrilliant News

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