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SuBBrilliant News Archives- November 1998

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November Contents

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Doctor Develops New Psychiatric Treatment

Great Help In Store For Multiple Personalities

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 27-Nov-98 22:52:25 EST:
ANN ARBOR - Taking a hint from Sesame Street has helped Dr. Sheila Laurence discover a bold new treatment for patients with Multiple Personality Disorder.

Laurence's treatment looks at the strengths of the individual's psyche and helps the patient to come to terms with their own illness.

There's too much emphasis on drugs these days," says Laurence. "I encourage patients to face their condition and not treat it as an illness but as an advantage. How many of us have often wished we could be more than one person?"

Laurence's patients have shown a 300% increase in ability to function in everyday matters. Rather than being 'cured' in the traditional sense, these MPD sufferers learn to cooperate with their different personalities to carry out their lives.

"Homosexuality used to be classified as a 'disease' too," says Laurence. "These people need to learn to cooperate with themselves. In reality I think my patients provide a microcosm of what society should be like. Strong personalities learning to share limted resources."

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Reebok to Supply Victoria's Secret with Pneumatic Breast Enhancement Devices

Nike Loses Bid

by C.T.Cantrell (ctcant@ibm.net) Monday, 23-Nov-98 21:18:24 EST:

Sporting goods giant Reebok Inc. says it plans to sell between 800,000 and one million plastic pump apparatuses to Victoria's Secret over the next three years for use in a new line of brasiers. Reebok says it has been trying to get rid of the devices since the failure of the pump basketball shoe seven years ago while Victoria's Secret has been looking for both a higher tech and cheaper alternative to the foam rubber currently used in the popular line of ‘Miracle Bras.'

"We'd planned to just replace the material of the Miracle Bra," Lauren Hall, a spokesperson for Victoria's Secret, announced at a press conference in Los Angeles. "But what we've come up with is an entirely new line of undergarments. Introducing, for the very first time and available only from Victoria's Secret, the ‘Wonder Twins!'"

Nike Inc., Reebok's fiercest competitor, offered Victoria's Secret an equal number of devices at the same undisclosed price, plus limited access to their trademark motto "Just Do It." However, according to Hall, Nike could not compete on the basis of technical complications. "The problem with Nike's [pneumatic breast enhancement devices] is that you have to inflate them with an external pump and hose which, although small enough to fit in most women's handbags, is not nearly as convenient and discrete as a silver dollar-sized bubble which fits snugly up against your sternum."

Nike says its external pump-and-hose design would better allow the plastic cups to maintain air pressure. "Maybe," conceded Hall, "but in this business, an ounce of discretion is worth a ton of quality."

Victoria's Secret says the Wonder Twins, which will be commercially available sometime in 2001, should not be worn around large dogs, teething babies or over open flames. The technology is currently being tested at high altitudes and is scheduled to accompany astronauts on their December launch for testing at zero G's.

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Newt To Join "Up With People"

Tired of bad public image

by Kierkegaard (natalie.keith@scni.com) Saturday, 21-Nov-98 21:05:24 EST:
WASHINGTON - Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is planning to join the perky cast of "Up With People."

Shortly after he arrived in Florida with his wife for a vacation Gingrich, the Republican congressman from Georgia, made the shocking announcement. He said he was tired of his dour public image and the only way of repairing it was to join the upbeat performance group.

"I can't dance and I can't sing but I can learn the moves real fast," Gingrich said.

Although he find the incessant hip gyrations of popular contemporary dancing infuriating, Gingrich said he plans to put aside his personal views for the group.

"I'm down, er, Up with the people," he said.

Republican Senator Alfonse D'Amato, who was beaten handily by Democrat Charles Schumer in November, said he was also considering joining the group. D'Amato said he wants to cure himself of his loathsome habit of calling other politicians names. D'Amato called Schumer a "putzhead", Gingrich a "big, fat, crybaby", and Clinton "a hosebag."

"I'm going to put this all behind me," D'Amato said.

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Iraqi Leader Promises Full Cooperation After Pressure Applied

United Nations Secret Weapon Revealed

by B. T. Lurkette (btlurkette@Hotmail.com) Thursday, 19-Nov-98 12:30:13 EST:

United Nations weapons inspectors returned to Iraq today after President Saddam Hussein abruptly reversed his October decision to cease all cooperation with the team whose task is to find and log Iraq'a secret weapons of mass destruction.

Palace officials admitted defeat soon after it was learned that United Nations Secretary of Drastic Intervention, Sonja Lipski, had called President Hussein's mother, Mariam Nabila Zahid-Hussein who then immediately phoned her son and "straightened him out".

Mariam had not been utilized since 1959, when she called young Saddam at the University of Baghdad and instructed him to stop trying to assinate Abdul Karim Kassem, thus preventing a war.

In a brief statement outside her home in Tikrit District, Mrs. Hussein said she knew exactly what to do after she received the plea for help from the United Nations:


United Nations officlals say they regret having to take such a drastic measure against the Iraqi President, that they "hope he will be ok", promising to have the UNSCOM imspection done as quickly as possible.

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Gore's Keeping It "Real"

Plans to Court Gen X Vote on MTV

by Kierkegaard (natalie.keith@scni.com) Tuesday, 17-Nov-98 18:17:34 EST:
WASHINGTON - In an attempt to gain the youth vote in the 2000 presidential election, Vice President Al Gore is planning to appear on "The Real World." Gore said he wants to shun his stiff image by appearing on MTV's popular weekly show that features kids from the ages of 18 to 24 living and working together. Show producers are currently casting for the next show to be taped in Hawaii. "I just love the idea of my life being taped. People will get to know what a really hip guy I am. Besides, you get to live in a really phat pad," Gore said. Al's wife, Tipper, said she is not opposed to the idea as long as his roommate is not a member of the opposite sex and all music in the house containing explicit lyrics is clearly marked. "Al does have a few annoying habits that his roommates might not like, but I'm sure they'll love him," she said. Gore said his appearance will be a one-time occurence. He does not plan to appear on any reunion or challenge shows, like the Road Rules/Real World challenge that is currently being aired. Political analyst Hank Struthers said it was a brilliant strategy given the apathy of today's youth. He cited research that indicates that 55 percent of young adults between 18 to 24 don't even know who he is. "It's a brilliant strategy. I just hope he doesn't get stuck with bunk beds," Struthers said. When asked whether he risked being thrown out of the house, like Puck in the San Francisco show, Gore said "there is no chance of that happening." "I'm not a big fan of snot rockets and I bathe routinely," he said. Gore said he plans to insist that his roommates recycle all glass, metals, paper, and plastics generated in the house. He also plans to explain what a vice president does. He also said he plans to "be real", and not create fake drama like some fomer cast members.

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Studies Prove Smoking Increases Coolness

by Christian Cantrell (ctcant@subbrilliant.com) Monday, 16-Nov-98 23:03:55 EST:

The news has not been all good lately, especially for opponents of cigarettes. Early last week, at least a dozen reports presented at the Annual Society of Neuroscience Conference in Los Angeles independently demonstrated a number of newly-discovered benefits of smoking. According to attendants, graphs and other displays clearly conveyed the correlation between nicotine and improved cognitive ability, decreased anxiety levels, and the first scientifically documented case of enhanced coolness.

“We’ve suspected for years that cigarettes, when used properly, can have a profound affect on an individual’s identity,” said Roland Bromley, a researcher at the National Institute of Nicotine Research (NINR). “But as far as we know, this is the first time anyone has ever produced documented proof. We’re all very excited.”

Bromley and his team conducted a series of experiments in which test subjects were asked to consider two projected images of members of the opposite sex and choose the one they considered to be more attractive. Not surprisingly, subjects chose the non-smoking image or the image without lingering second-hand smoke 78 percent of the time. Special goggles, however, which the participants were told would enhance the quality of the images they were viewing, told a very different story by measuring and recording the subjects’ eye movements. According to the data, most of the subjects spent 68 to 94 percent longer considering the image in some way associated with smoking.

“Any true scientist will tell you that you cannot determine the results of an experiment simply based on what a subject reports,” Bromley said. “You have to use some other means to get at the truth. Your typical church-going, middle-aged professional mother is probably not going to admit that she finds smoking sexy, yet we have reliable proof that nine times out of ten, she does.”

Although Bromley and his team do not encourage non-smokers to pick up the habit, they are asking anti-smoking activists to reconsider the scope of their admonitions.

“Which is worse? To live a long lonely life or to have a shorter, more fulfilling existence? We propose it’s up to the individual to make that choice, not lobbyists and lawmakers.”

Bromley and his team say that non-smokers should not be discouraged by the findings. Although the results of the study have only been available to the public for less than a week, already a number of non-smokers clinics have opened across the country with claims that they can help non-smokers not only develop a lasting addiction, but learn to use the habit to its fullest potential.

“The thing you have to remember about successful smokers is that they’re not just buying a pack of cigarettes and arbitrarily lighting up. There’s a lot more to it than that. There’s body language involved. There’s non-verbal communication. If you’re looking to get into cigarette smoking, we highly recommend consulting at the very least a veteran smoker, if not a certified professional.”

According to NINR research, the most successful smokers are those who keep their cigarettes loosely clenched below the knuckles of their right index and middle fingers, use paper matches, prefer long and deep drags to quick and shallow spurts, occasionally but not exclusively exhale through their nostrils or while talking and, when smoking outside, flick their butts away with no apparent regard for the environment.

Kevin Liedholm, a spokesman for R.J. Reynolds, says the tobacco industry is shocked by the findings. “This type of research could lead to a whole new brand of marketing,” Liedholm, who attended three days of the conference, told reporters. “It’s now going to be up to the tobacco companies to refrain from the temptation of marketing to minors, however.”

A Philip Morris representative who also attended the conference said that presenting cigarettes to the public as a means of improving one’s image was unethical and should be banned. “We’ve always relied on the smooth, great taste of our products to sell cigarettes. If you are considering joining the ranks of us millions of successful and popular smokers, we encourage you come to where the taste is. Come to Marlboro country.”

Christian Cantrell is the editor of Journal of American Asphalt and a regular contributor to SuBBrilliant News.

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SuBBrilliant News Takes On New Look

Reporters Featured; Columns to be updated Instantaneously

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 14-Nov-98 01:24:14 EST:
(VIRGINIA BEACH)In a sweeping new change of look, SuBBrilliant News has abandoned its old musty white and green stripes for a new more luminous and more easily and frequently updated look

We feel this what the people want. More dark, more news and easily identified superstars.

Henceforth SuBBrilliant will feature regular columns from its super-personalities, Lurkette, Rev. Tyrone Dye, the erstwhile Christian Cantrell and of course Kierkegaard,

 I myself, Ace Dtect and my trusty although late assistant Pilot X will keep you abreast of all the goings on behind the scenes at SuBBrilliant, so you can turn us into the idolized mass consumable intellectual properties we know you want us to be.

 Please make use of the 'fan' forums found at each columnists page to indulge in asking your secret fantasy questions. We are here merely to become your idols.


Ace Dtect's Signature

Ace Dtect

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Nostalgia Commision Announces

No Nostalgia For 1980's

by Kierkegaard (gaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 14-Nov-98 14:03:39 EST:
WASHINGTON 7-NOV-1998 (SBN). - The National Association of Nostalgia recently declared that in 2000 the country will not become nostalgic for the 1980s as previously planned.

"I know we've been on a twenty year nostalgia cycle for decades, but the 80s were such a bad decade that nobody wants to remember them," said Harry Smith.

In the 80s we longed for the 60s and in the 90s we were nostalgic for the 70s, but in the millenium America will become nostalgic for the 1930s. The Great Depression will be honored in dingy allies with bad potatoes, Smith said.

The hair band Poison has joined forces with Def Leppard in fighting the decision. The bands plan to don hair spray and parachute pants at rallies throughout the country. Warrant, the band largely believed to have brought down the 80s, could not be reached for comment.

Smith said he tried to find people who could pleasantly extol the virtues of the Reagan Bush years but most are serving jail sentences for their 80s-style capitalistic adventures. Alex P. Keaton, the conservative older brother from the 80s hit sitcom "Family Ties" was not available. Keaton is believed to be working as a deputy mayor in a large city.

The only people interested in serving on the 80s Nostalgia Committee were disqualified after learning that they did not know what hair gel was and had never worn a skinny tie in their lives.

On a more somber note, Smith said the country is going to be forced to have an original decade sooner or later because we're running out of old ones to be nostalgic about.

"But, hey, it's never too soon to start being nostalgic for the early 90s," he said.

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Heaven Rejoices Over New Format

"Best Thing Since Marsupials" Say Some

by Pilot X (pilotx@bigfoot.com) Saturday, 14-Nov-98 14:36:31 EST:
NEW JERUSALEM - The pearly gates were awash with glowing faces at the new design of SuBBrilliant News releases this week.

"It's become the most popular news source in both regions of the afterworld," said an archangel wishing to remain anonymous. God doen't make a move till he's been caught up on the latest.

 Sources close to the boss say that he's given some thought to how he might re-design the next world in light of the new SuBBrilliant asthetic.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say 'radical design' said God's Press Angel Michael, "But I would have to say a change is being considered."

Afterworld rags have already begun imitating the highly successful transcendental paper. Experts agree this kind of enthusiasm in these quarters will insure that SuBBrilliant becomes the highly idolised publication it seeks to become, on Earth as it is in heaven

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Mary Kay Plan For World Domination Uncovered

"65,000-strong-all-female sales force is conquering territory once defended by the Red Army" (marie claire, December 1998)

by B. T. Lurkette (btlurkette@hotmail.com) Friday, 13-Nov-98 10:15:46 EST:

According to the yesterday's Interpol release, nearly 400 million women from all over the world have been shanghaied into either joining the Mary Kay Force or supporting The (Mary Kay) Cause through endless "convenient monthly payments" on their credit cards for products purchased from local "representatives".

Nearly a dozen internationally renowned scientists continue to work round-the-clock searching for an antidote to MK Fever while the rest of the world watches helplessly as both Germantown, TN, trophy wives and red-knuckled women who share their dilapidated Siberian hovels with the family swine fall under the irresistible spell of Ravishing Red lipsticks and Mary Kay's newest addictive product, Elige parfum.

Glassy-eyed women think nothing of spending over $60.00 of their $87.00 monthly checks on Mary Kay products. In Russia, the situation is even more severe. Zhenya and Olga Baryshnikove seem unconcerned with the plummeting -30* temperature on their way to spend their last rubles on a month's supply of face cream.

Interpol initially praised the CIA's Julie Rasmussen for successfully infiltrating the Russian empire and positioning herself as a trusted confidant to Galina Kiselyova, controller of Russia's 65,000 Mary Kay agents. Interpol later discovered that it was Rasmussen, herself, who deliberately infected that country with MK Fever. Rasmussen and Kiselyova have taken over a former secret Soviet research institute, named themselves co-President's of the country and are reportedly working with MK leaders in other countries for a worldwide takeover.

Reports of women being thrown overboard for refusing to part with their Mary Kay products are now common occurances in Thailand. In Afgahanistan, the Mary Kay Force remains the only remaining threat to the invading Taliban Army. Failure of the Mir space station is reportedly due to a shortage of Silken Hands night cream.

As global leaders meet in concern for the world's future, bands of Mary Kay enthusiasts contunue to roam free, handing out seemingly innocent free samples to unsuspecting females.

MMMmmmmmmmmm. Smells good. ....

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Vice President Gore Busts Some Fly Rhymes

by Christian Cantrell (ctcant@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 12-Nov-98 15:21:28 EST:
According to rap superstar Puff Daddy, Vice President Al Gore “busted some fly rhymes” last Sunday afternoon at a fund-raiser in the Bronx.

“We say legislate, they say investigate,” busted Gore. “We say educate, they say interrogate. We say illuminate, they say instigate. We say unify, they say vilify. We make the tough decisions, they take depositions. We find real solutions, they launch prosecutions. We know our future’s nearing, they want to hold more hearings.”

President Clinton said on Monday that he was proud of his vice president, and that he “did not know he had it in him.”

Gore says he developed his rap skills while working closely with an African American intern during his days in Congress. According to Gore and Daddy, the re-mix of Gore’s fly rhyme will be available in time for Thanksgiving. Tipper Gore says the album label must clearly warn of explicitly liberal lyrics.

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