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SuBBrilliant News Archives- December 1998

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Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye> To Leave SuBBrilliant

Dow Jones Averages Plummet!

by Tyrone Dye (tyedye@goldrush.com) Wednesday, 30-Dec-98 16:55:19 EST:
(Cave City, CA) Tyrone Dye has announced that he will be immediately retiring from journalism. Dye claims that he was threatened by an infatuated fan weilding a soiled condom and will stop reporting for the SuBBrilliant News (SBN) to insure the "continued safety of my family, pets and co-workers." A secrecy clause contained within the anonymous terrorist's threat prevents Dye from releasing any further details.

Dye began his career as a cub reporter for The Washington Post, then had a very brief and unappreciated stint as a comedy writer for Mad TV, before coming to the attention of SuBBrilliant News, subsidiary of AceDtection Media.

When Dye was first hired, he was touted by SBN as being the next Dave Barry, however, it soon became apparent that Dye was not very funny. So SBN then claimed that Dye was their answer to Columnist Tom "Snippy" Dark, but unfortunately, the answer was in code and Dark's reading public remained perplexed.

Dye's first article for SBN, about the uncanny accuracy of Psychic Historians, won him not only the renowned Putzlitter Prize, but also the respect of his fans. His last article, about Astronaut John Glenn and the effects of Viagra in a weightless environment, lost him the respect of NASA, who pulled their extensive advertising from the newspaper.

The only kind words Dye had for his co-workers was for Editor Doris Peepoles, who "would be would be one hell of a woman, if she was a little bit less of a man."

Dye stated that his forced retirement would end years of frustration, complaining that fellow SBN writer Lurkette continually refused to sexually harass him, even after numerous requests.

Dye said he wouldn't miss the new SBN format, which he claims provoked the terrorist threats in the first place…"Readers come looking for my newest articles and can't find them without a Degree in Internet Geography and a 56K modem. Every writer at SBN has their own lounge, so no one knows where to find anyone else. We sit alone, waiting for someone to come calling, but no one ever does. Why can't we all sit together in the old lounge and keep each other company?"

One inside source suggests that Dye's resignation is just another perverse fabrication, and that he is merely attempting to confuse the Internal Revenue Nazi's (formerly known as the IRS) who suspect that he has been evading taxes on all his writing income from SBN.

When asked what he will do now, Dye replied, "I have been offered a job as speech writer for California Governor Elect Grey Davis. While the pressure is less intense than writing for SBN, the bullshit quotient is much higher, and therefore more satisfying."

© 1998 by Tyrone Dye 

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Fault in flint not in selves, say experts

by Tracy Danison (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 30-Dec-98 22:45:28 EST:

Oulan Bator, Outer Mongolia - Experts working in this Central Asian nation famous for dinosaur remains say that the fault is in the flint, not in themselves.

A paleological windstorm rivaling those that periodically gust over the broad, dry hills and gullies of this chilly nation of 3 million mostly nomadic tribespeople blew through the nylon yurts of the local bone readers when Bob P. Noxon, an archeologist, revealed that Pontificus Mentholatus, "thundering wind mill", an ancient herbivore, earlier estimated to have weighed up to 900 tons, who roamed these bitter-ochre hills in younger and greener days, had been misdated by its discoverer, paleontologist Elmo Y. Cuthbert of Stanford University.

Reaction in the yurts has been lively since Noxon claimed that flint lodged in Pontificus'' bones pointed to a later date.

"It might well be a clapped-out circus elephant from Oulan Bator," says Noxon from his temporary quarters in this country's only airport. "Science by Noxon," sputters Dr Cuthbert, denying that he misread the bones. He points out that the flint itself is millions of years old. Dr Cuthbert's colleagues have supported his claim, concurring on Noxon's exclusion from the yurts.

"I looked at that flint and I felt sick," says another reputed osseologist who declined to be named, citing the notorious Noxon's long history. "Any decent science would show that the problem is in the flint," a sharp and extremely tricky stone to analyze. Flint is still used by local people for arrows, adzes and knives.

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Alternative Manufactures Solve Y2K Problem

Small Manufacturers Save World Worry & Cost

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 25-Dec-98 16:04:26 EST:
TEL AVIV - Alternative computer manufacturers announced a plan to solve the Y2k problem for all computer systems worldwide. Telavivco unveiled its 'Converter' software today which fixes all computer systems no matter what system was in use before.

"It's just wonderful," said Telavivco spokesman Alfred Goldman. "No matter wether its a toaster or a major Defence Mainframe System, 'Converter' can fix your y2k problems."

Goldman explained that the software works like a virus in many ways, but a beneficial one.

"Our software confronts your system with the evidence of 5,000 years of history forcing it to didactical boolean decision about the nature of it's own, God's and humanities exstence."

This logic circuit confrontation allows the system to redefine its core belief using 'Converter's' built in system authoring to called 'Qabalgorithm'.

After the system purge the computer uses the Hebrew calendar and believes the year is 5759. It also becomes Y6K compliant as well, preventing further problems.

'Converter' is not the only option though. There are also similar fixes available from Islamic, Babylonian and Byzantine manufacturers.

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White House Target Of Iraqi BioWeapon

Hussein Makes Good On Promise

by BTLurkette (btlurkette@hotmail.com) Tuesday, 22-Dec-98 21:25:34 EST:
Washington, DC
White House officials have confirmed that William Jefferson Clinton's armpits are indeed infested with the fleas of one thousand camels.

While Senate Impeachment proceedings rage on, the visibly reddened and shaking President is being quarantined in the Yellow Room, attended by Hillary Rodham Clinton's personal hairdresser, Vlaad, who is tirelessly applying RID according to package directions.

"Mrs. Clinton and dog Buddy remain flea-free with full run of the White House", said Vlaad, "but Mr. President? It don't look too good."

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US Threatens To Step Up Punishment

Hussein May Face Loss of Privileges

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 18-Dec-98 12:58:17 EST:
BAGHDAD - As bombing intensity increased, US officials warned Iraqi Leader Saddam Hussein that the punishment would increase if he did not surrender. Hussein could face loss of privileges and even be cut from the CIA payroll if he does not change his ways.

"We have received approval from the intelligence agencies to withold Saddam Hussein's stipend if neccessary," said General Shelton, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "We may even consider taking away his company car and use of the CIA rec center."

International experts called the threats the most definitive yet and expected that HUssein may finally back down in face of the punishment.

"We are also prepared," said US Secretary of Defense William Cohen, "not only to withold payments and privileges but also permanently and irretrievable withdraw Hussein's Most Favoured Terrorist status with the United States National Security Agency.

Hussein has not made any public response to the threat but is reported by sources close to him to have replied, "They wouldn't dare. Who would they get to replace me? Who?"

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Authorities Hold Cards Close to Chest

by Tracy Danison (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 17-Dec-98 22:47:08 EST:
Stockholm - Europnews Service - Close sources in this quintessentially Nordic city said today that economists expected about the same next week, market conditions remaining equal.

In Paris, Le Monde Diplomatique, Holy Writ of international movers and shakers, reported from Moscow. "An ill-wind blows nobody any good".

But some respected economists have expressed reservations, especially about the effect of North Sea fish stocks.

Sitting back hard in his leather-bound swivel chair, a pessimistic Eklund Nordquist couldn't be more emphatic. "Deeper patterns are found on heaven and Earth," said one highly regarded, adding, "What the heck is an ill wind when you take that into account?" dismissing the affair as an "academic tempest" in a teapot.

But bigger market players remained sceptical, a spokesperson reiterating a contention that Liquid Air, one of the world's outstanding issues, was "surely" going to come to no harm, "ill or otherwise."

US government and other foreign officials have been circumspect, but sources in Bonn were unusually talkative, the new left-wing Social Democrat foreign ministry now being in the politically astute but inexperienced grip of former taxi driver and Greens Party activist Joschka Fischer.

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Cat In the Hat Sues Macy's

Says Parade Ban Was Discrimination

by Kierkegaard (natalie.keith@scni.com) Monday, 07-Dec-98 18:37:02 EST:
NEW YORK - The Cat In the Hat is suing Macy's for banning him from the Thanksgiving Day parade saying the department store is discriminating against the fun-loving feline, according to Thing 1 and Thing 2.

 The popular character from the Dr. Seuss book of the same name said Macy's is discriminating against him because he visits the home of children whose parents aren't home and makes a mess, said Thing 1, who is the lead attorney in the case.

 "The accident had nothing to do with (Macy's) decision. The store just doesn't like the Cat's relationship with children. Sure, he makes a mess but he always cleans up before the parents are home," said Thing 2, also representing the Cat.

 Thing 2 said it was unfortunate that a woman suffered brain damage when the Cat lost control and struck a lamp post in the 1997 parade.

 "You try to keep your balance in 50-mile-an-hour winds when you're being held up by ropes. It's impossible!," said Thing 2.

 Thing 1 said this is just another example of hysteria surrounding Dr. Seuss characters. He cited claims that "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" was really a communist manifesto and reports that "Hop on Pop" was an underground publication of the Man Boy Love Association.

 "It's insane. People are always looking for ways to ruin good fun," said Thing 1.

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New Sexual Perversion Discovered!

by Tyrone Dye (tyedye@goldrush.com) Sunday, 06-Dec-98 04:54:58 EST:
(300 Miles from JuiJui, Peru) Dr. Priscilla Piscini, Professor of Sexual Anthropology at the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School, announced today that she has discovered a new sexual perversion. The discovery came while Piscini was on an anthropological excursion into the South American Rainforest, investigating the sexual rituals of uncivilized tribes.

Said Piscini teasingly, "This perversion is so disgusting, it makes Golden Showers seem like a casual walk in the rain."

Sexual Anthropologists and pornographers world wide, amateur and professional, are excited about the new discovery, the first of its kind in over 50 years.

Hollywood agents are already negotiating for the rights, saying that the old well worn perversions are over publicized in movies and TV, many to the point of social acceptance. "Sado-masochism, Autoeroticism and Necrophelia are passe', we need something new to grab America's attention, something that will titillate our sexual fantasies and keep Maury Povich and his ilk on the air", said Paramount President B.J. Honeycutt.

U.S. Customs officials have already begun preparations for a moral quarantine of The Perversion to prevent it and its infectious details from crossing America's borders.

Piscini intends on revealing explicit aspects of The Perversion in an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters on an upcoming episode of 60 Minutes, unless the Atlanta based Center for Disease Control (CDC) takes legal steps to stop its airing.

Contacted by short wave radio in Peru, Piscini remains rather closed mouthed, preferring to build the suspense and anticipation with the public and her scientific peers: "I will say that the tribe is cannibalistic, but there is no flesh consumption associated with this new, exciting sexual aberration."

Piscini has also announced that Marlon Brando and his co-star from the 1970's X rated movie "Last Tango in Paris" shall be reunited to perform The Perversion live at SEXEXPO 1999, to be held in Ontario, Canada. As an added feature of the SEXEXPO 1999 show, 3 new sexual positions created by Piscini herself along Amateur Sexual Anthropologist Tom Dark, with and without goats, will be demonstrated by Barnum & Bailey Circus contortionists.

After the announcement of the discovery, New York Stock Exchange averages rocketed more than 800 points, climbing to over 10,000 for the first time in Stock Market history. It later dropped 957 points after news reached E.F. Hutton & Associates that a baby seal had been bludgeoned to death by an Inuit fur trapper from Alaska.

Talk Show Hosts and Christian Evangelists, respectively, are already gearing up to exploit and condemn the new perversion, whatever it may turn out to be; almost assuring that it will become the preferred sexual fad of the new millennium.

Tyrone Dye 

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Congress Ratifies IRS-Nazi Merger

by Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 03-Dec-98 14:48:44 EST:
(Washington, D.C.) After years of speculation and accusations, the IRS has abandoned all pretence and officially been merged with the American Nazi Party.

Along with a name change to the Internal Revenue Nazi's (IRN) comes a new symbol; a red, white and blue swastika superimposed with a taxpayer's testicles gripped in the talons of an American Eagle.

Polls indicate that American taxpayers anticipate no difference in service. Said newly appointed Fuhrer of the Internal Revenue Nazis, Harvey Himmler, "nothing will really change in our collection techniques; we will continue to use the time tried threats, intimidation, and extortion, except maybe the added feature of Concentration Camps for frivolous return filers.

I suggest taxpayers send in 25% more income than they expect to owe…After all, better safe than sorry. Unlike the old American Nazi Party, we will not discriminate against Niggers, Spicks, Jews or Chinks…ALL will pay tribute or suffer the consequences. Sieg heil!"

American Nazi Party members are ambivalent, many believing that this official association with the former IRS will soil their reputation.

Some Americans wonder how Congress could have endorsed such a union. Said Rep. Bulley Antwerp of Tennessee, "Let's face it, we weren't ever fooling anyone. If the IRS played by the rules and never violated anyone's right to Due Process under the Constitution, they'd never collect a dime. Someone must do America's dirty work and collect revenue to support our military's monthly commute to Iraq."

H&R Block accountants have been authorized by their corporate headquarters to carry concealed weapons to future IRN audits, in self-defense and to protect their clients.

Revenue collections are expected to increase 174% (+\- 4%) in the first year alone.

Tyrone Dye 

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Hats Out in Europe

by Tracy Danison (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 03-Dec-98 00:33:44 EST:
Paris - Europnews Service - No sooner was the ink dry on fashion mogul press releases than the Europublic voted with its hat. Dominated by slinky gowns and environment-conscious Earth tones for men and contrite elegance for the modern busy femme d'affaires, fashion maven confusion in the salons of Paris' modish 16ème arrondissement, the posh quartier where the demi-clad rule the in-crowd roost with statements that go from subdued ochres to shades of brilliantine yellow and a 90s sensual unisex version of the playboy lifestyle.

But Jane and John in the street were having none of it. Early-Christmas shopping crowds of the jeune and jolie jostling the white and grey snowbound subway platforms clung fiercely to their hats. Said Jean Paul Gaultier grimly surveying the pre-season sales figures, "Hats are out. C'est la vie, mon ami." But not everyone was so philosophical as the man famous for unbound torsos.

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