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SuBBrilliant News Archives- January 1999


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January 1999  Contents - Please Allow Entire Page to Load Before Choosing A Story
 

Spanish psychic predicts "rain of blows"


by simplicite (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 07-Jan-99 15:19:27 EST:
Madrid -- The reputed Spanish psychic Helena Tostada de los Sanctos has predicted cruel times for 1999. Recovering in a private clinic in the heart of this fervently Catholic capital, Tostada de los Sanctos reported visions "from Hell" during a hastily-called bed-side press conference.

Well-informed Madrilenos, especially those living along the Avenida de las Gracias de Dios, the residential heart of Spain's banking, finance and commercial elite, and where Tostada de los Sanctos maintains her posh villa, are worried.

Tostada de los Sanctos, long a figure on Madrid's high society scene, described a world "reddened with blood" and "withering in agony" under "a rain of blows", which she described as vengeance for "sins of the flesh".

The psychic, known for the pithy accuracy of her predictions and her canny stock market investing strategies, referred several times to the third prediction of Fatima.

Fatima, a small village in the nearby country of Portugal, was where the Virgin Mary, a saint of the Christian faith, is said to have appeared before shepherdesses in 1917.

Pope John Paul II, spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church's more than 500 million adherents has endorsed her appearance, much to the dismay of skeptical liberal theologians.

Knowledgeable local sources were particularly upset by the gifted psychic's predictions of "overwhelming noise and fury" in central Madrid. "Stay tuned," she is reported to have warned a neighbor.

The battered Madrilena seer - her many scratches and bruises were allegedly received during a New Year's Eve altercation with husband Salvador's dance partner, Carmen Questos de la Marischino y Gorgas, wife of this prototypical latin nation's central bank chief, Carlos Gorgas y Ricas.


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Prince Edward Announces Marriage

Bride to be is Not Diana, Porn Star or Woman


by jon hogan (jhogan@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 07-Jan-99 15:19:27 EST:
Hot Flash- Prince Edward announced today that he is formally engaged to Rolphie Syze-Moans, a female impersonater and drop-dead lookalike for the late Princess Diana. The Queen (the real one) was reportably "thrilled" that Edward had finally taken the plunge and excited at the prospect of finally having a daughter-in-law that would enjoy having tea with her. At the formal announcement, The Princess to be remarked, "Despite what has been suggested in the press, Edward has not done me yet. And, I have never, ever, been in a porn video. That was someone else. Really."


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Brach's Delivers Valentine Surprise

Clinton Candy Hearts Feature "Catchy" Sayings


by B. T. Lurkette (btlurkette@hotmail.com) Friday, 08-Jan-99 19:40:32 EST:
WASHINGTON, DC

President Clinton may find his Oval Office candy dish filled with a special surprise from Brach's Valentine Heart Division.

The pastel coloured Valentine hearts were printed especially for the President, with sayings such as "I'm Peached", "Intern-ally Yours" "Paula Nose", "Trippin", "Tie One On", "Bomb Saddam", and "Lie 4 Me".

Brach's says they test marketed the confection on a group of Republicans who ate them up, while The 700 Club test group swallowed them whole.


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Latest Chrystler Vehicles Unveiled

Year 2000 Models Sure Hits


by B.T. Lurkette (btlurkette@hotmail.com) Friday, 08-Jan-99 18:48:26 EST:
Detroil, Mi Chrystler Corporation's newest Dodge Destroyer sedans, Vengeance coupes and Retaliation sportsters promise to outsell even their wildly popular RAM and Avenger models.

Geared towards "assertive" and "proactive" drivers, these year 2000 models come equipped with door mounted holsters, Gatlin gun wheel wells, and ample explosives storage. State-of-the-Art drive trains make it possible for drivers to operate these vehicles hands-free for up to 3 minutes before any drifting occurs. Engineering studies showed that drivers should be able to reload a weapon or use both hands to communicate via sign language with other drivers within that amount of time. Evasive

The latest models integrate RAM's and Avenger's (namesake) capabilities with weaponry and handling never before offered by Dodge.


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Boobs Not Bombs

Prime Minister's wife wows crowds on tour


by Jon Hogan (jhogan@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 09-Jan-99 20:46:37 EST:
Dateline: Johannesburg. After a disasterous debut where fashion critics panned her ensemble, Cherie Blair paraded today through downtown Johannesburg in a grass tutu, her lovely blond hair frizzed out to unimaginable lengths and her bare breasts undulating in the warm african breeze. Ms Blair apparently took to her bosom the advice of The Johannesburg Star's columnist, Bantu Butt'a, who chastised Blair for looking "frumpy" on her arrival in South Africa Thursday.

Polls reflecting approval for Ms Blair have swollen since her make-over, and throngs of admirers turn out at her every appearance. Ms Blair caused a near riot however, when a crowd of Muslims intent on protesting her husband's bombing of Iraq fought among themselves instead for a closer look at her. "It's drawn attention away from her legs, as well as the Prime Minister", remarked Hamish Shidd-Cand, Ms Blair's hairdresser and stylist who is traveling with her. Ms Blair is due to visit an animal orphanage today where she will feed some hungry goats. Enditem.


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Judge Rules Against Burros

Bugs, not Buggery in Tex-ass


by () Friday, 15-Jan-99 13:50:19 EST:
A Texas judge has upheld a statute prohibiting consensual same-sex activity between burros, and was expected today to rule on the legality of covert audio and video recording devices implanted in the animals sphincters to monitor the direction of "traffic". In what activists had hoped would be a reversal of an archaic law, presiding Justice Al B. Gonesune stated, "Itís unnatural and ungodly what these filthy beasts will do to each other. Itís our responsibility to make our state a place where children can go to a ranch or a glue factory without seeing an ass get fucked up the ass by an ass." Consensual same-sex activity between burros is legal in all but a handful of states, and virtually world-wide, with the exception of Bermuda and Zimbabwe.

 In sworn testimony, Texas Ranger Euwell Lovitt described how his team of agents posed as veterinarians and installed the monitors during standard rectal examinations. The accused burros, Brad and Leo were arrested late last August in a deserted canyon on the LBJ ranch. They have since been confined to separate quarters, a fact being vociferously protested by PESTA, People for the Elimination of Sexual Tension in Animals. PESTA spokes- person and singer George Michael issued a statement deploring the measures as "discriminatory" and "cruel". "Brad and Leo have been very close for a long time and have a mutually satisfying relationship. The government has no right to be poking its nose up their asses. We will go inasmuch and insofar as we can to appeal this travesty of justice."

 In a surprising turn of events today, ultra-feminist endomorph Andrea Dworkin filed an amicus, or "friend of the court" brief supporting the prosecution. At a press conference following the morning session, Ms Dworkin reiterated her contention that "intercourse is painful, no matter what gender or species." When asked by the press if she had first hand experience with a donkey, Ms Dworkin brayed angrily and waddled out of the room. In a related story, Hustler magazine publisher and wheelchair enthusiast Larry Flint is offering up to 1 million dollarsUS to anyone who can prove that Jesus didn't ride a donkey.


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NEW JERSEY TOWNS TO MERGE


by Agnes Moliptz (jhogan@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 20-Jan-99 00:43:35 EST:
In an effort to reduce skyrocketing municipal costs and consolidate redundant town services, the hamlets of Whippany and Parsippany, New Jersey, have agreed to merge. In a deal that will also allow development of a wildlife sanctuary that borders both towns, Walmart Corporation is underwriting the merger with a multi-million dollar grant, as well as a promise to employ the local elderly and men tally insane. The newly combined township will be named Whippersnippity.

 The announcement was made at a press conference by Mayors Elsie Urksall of Whippany, and Keno Dumbaris of Parsippany. Ms Urksall, whose election to mayor followed in the wake of her sudden rise to fame as a former classmate and oft- quoted supporter of Linda Tripp, waved to her adoring fans and posed for photographers from the National Enquirer and The Star Weekly afterwards.

 Over the last few months Ms Urksall has spoken out in defense of Ms Tripp, recalling what a loyal, selfless and devoted friend she had been to her in high school. "I believe her one hundred percent. She's was very principled and someone you could always confide in." When asked if there could be any possible connection between her views and her family's prominent role in local Republican politics, she declared it a "coincidence, just like how I got elected." Clarabelle Quackinbush, another former classmate begged to differ. "I know Linda Tripp, and she is no Monica Lewinsky. She'd like to be, but even in high school she was kinda skanky. Why, she'd push her mother in front of a train if she thought it would get her a date".

 Praise for Ms Urksall was unanimous however. "She's doing some- thing about the damn deer shitting in my yard and eating my arborvitae", declared Bud Glotz, a Gnat Spring Road resident. "Who needs 'em. Give me another tax ratable anyday." When a reporter asked long-time Badger Bump Road resident Alice Pfifersniffle what she thought of the changes, she replied, "The internet is dangerous. Have some raisins. I wish my son had finished college instead of writing about me. Did you say some- thing?"


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Frog Fury Forces Forfeit

New Champ Stripped of Title


by Rev. Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 22-Jan-99 12:59:27 EST:

(Angels Camp, California) The sports world was rocked last week when the Calaveras County Jumping Frog Jubilee Committee stripped the 1998 Jumping Champion of his title after it was confirmed he was under the influence of a performance enhancing hormone at the time of his victory.

The Frog Jumping sport has an illustrious history dating back to the days of the gold rush and humorist Mark Twain, who gave the event its beginnings in 1865 with his paper "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"

"The Hulk", who jumped an unprecedented 70 feet - smashing the old record by 53.6 feet - continues to deny the charges, even after flunking a urine test. "They were vitamins" croaked the bulging bullfrog, "the same vitamins legally abused by baseball slugger Mark McGuire."

Banned by all other organized sports, the "vitamin" in question, Androstenedione - an adrenal hormone which is converted in the liver to testosterone - is used in muscle production, and has been banned by all reputable organized sports with the exception of Frog Jumping and baseball.

With Frog Jumping scheduled as an exhibition sport in the 2000 Summer Olympics, Jubilee officials took the action to retroactively conform to International Olympic Committee (IOC) drug restrictions. Jubilee officials now insist that the only allowable chemical in their competitor's blood should be MTBE, a naturally occurring toxic additive of unleaded gasoline which shares the same Calaveras County waters that many bullfrog athletes inhabit.

©1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>


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Bat Cries Foul

Big Stick Jealous of Balls Fame


by Rev. Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 23-Jan-99 12:54:08 EST:
Feeling bitter and unappreciated, Mark McGuire's Louisville Slugger Bat announced at a press conference yesterday that it was sick and tired of being snubbed at the auction house, and of being deprived of the credit and fame it is rightfully entitled too. 

"Why does the ball always get the adulation for being belted out of the park? It couldn't have done it without me."

 These comments and another potentially scandalous allegation (see sidebar) came after McGuire's 70th Home Run Ball was sold at auction for an astounding 3 million dollars. 

The Bat is currently living a life of poverty and obscurity under the front seat of Longshoreman Larry Mulhaney's 1966 Chevy Impala, as protection against potential CarJackers. 

Other auction highlights saw The Jock Strap that Sammy Sosa wore when he hit his 63rd home run being sold to a Japanese investor for $3.00, who in turn immediately sold it to a Venezuelan Hobbyist for $6.00. Said Investor Tubuki Ito, "Let's see that fool who bought The Ball double his memorabilia investment that fast!" 

With McGuire paraphernalia garnering such hysterics, one collector claims to have The Wad of chewing tobacco used my McGuire at the time he hit number 70. With counterfeiting running rampant, Sotheby's Auction House is skeptical, and is patiently awaiting a DNA test to be performed on extracted saliva before setting a price. The Wad could not be reached for comment. 

(c)1999 by Tyrone Dye 

The Commissioner of Baseball has launched an investigation into subsequent allegations by The Bat, who hinted that McGuire's feat was aided by the use of a Flubber® derivative applied to it before each game. 

Hasbro, the manufacturer of Flubber®, denies that its repellant product is designed for anything other than industrial cleaning purposes.


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God Promotes Lennon

Says Dead Rock Star Provides Image Lift


by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 29-Jan-99 14:36:10 EST:
NEW JERUSALEM-Calling for a new image in preparation for the millenium, God promoted John Lennon to the angelic rank of Throne today.

The new rank is largely ceremonial but puts Lennon in charge of approving efforts to battle hypocrisy, solipsism and inspid lyrics.

"I should be thanking you," said Lennon standing between God and Archangel Michael. "I mean without the support of the fans and the power of the people I would never have got where I am. It's all about the music and the kids and the power of love and all you know. I miss Yoko. Where's me guitar. I need a hit of the smelly if ya catch my meanin'."

God merely expressed his wish that Lennon would help smooth the way for his plans in the new millenium which he was confident would work at well as he is God.

 No major changes are expected in daily Earthly life except the occaisonal miraculous rain of balloons and increased appearances of Lennon's visage in snack crackers and wood cuttings.


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Iowa Farmboy Acquires Entire Internet

Starting with Two Pigs, Savant Forms Empire


by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 29-Jan-99 13:54:25 EST:
NEW YORK - In heavy trading ranging from the Chicago Stockyards to the Tokyo Exchange, Gary Presser of East Pleasant Plain, Iowa succeded in acquiring the entire Internet.

 "It weren't hard," said Presser in a public statement shortly after the closing deal. "Everybody was so eager and willing to merge I just made sure I had the right options available to leverage commodities and then sold margin where necessary to increase perceived value and coincide profit expectations with trade willingness."

Presser started by taking his two prize sows, "Bessie" and "Mama Mia", to the Chicago Stockyards for sale. He then parlayed his funds into the futures markets and by noon yesterday had enough funds to begin playing the market.

 Early this morning, Presser blazed through the New York and Tokyo markets merging AOL-Netscape with SUN and Yahoo and then picking up LYCOS and At Home.COM before swooping in Compaq, briefly leveraging Alta Vista and then regaining it along with most of Microsofts On-Line properties such as HotMail and LinkExchange.

BY 6 this evening (GMT) Presser owned virtually the entire internet except for Stiffs.com, The SuBBrilliant Corporation and Fringeware Media.

 "I've always been purty good at cipherin'," said the 19 year old Presser. "And now with my holdings I'm sure I can move into securities with some aggression and cause some major wealth building that will benefit the entire market and hopefully prop up Asia and rescue Brazil."

But before that, Presser said he was going home for some well-deserved ham and mayonnaise sandwhiches and a, "big fat nap."


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Greenspan Asks A "Favor"

An Offer Congress Can't Refuse


by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 29-Jan-99 14:33:33 EST:

WASHINGTON -- Alan Greenspan, the Federal Reserve chairman, warned Congress Thursday that the nation's Social Security system could meet with, "an unfortunate accident" if Congress ignores the Fed's advice.

Appearing before the Senate Budget Committee, flanked by two large men with dark shades, Greenspan was clearly trying to emulate Joe Pesci , as he said, "Is Social Security funny? Is this a joke to you Senator?."

Relying on intimate information about the Senators families, Greenspan said he was sure the Congress would do the "right thing."

Clinton has alluded to Greenspans heavy handed tactics which he admits would save Socuial Security with neither tax increases nor benefit cuts.

Last week and again Thursday, Greenspan noted several minor "accidents" Senators had experienced and hoped that things wouldn't, "get worse."

Greenspan's main message Thursday was that Senators have been notoriously unreliable in the past and are likely to remain so in the future, meaning Greenspan had the only viable solution to Social Security's long-term financial gap.

Asked about Greenspan's comments, Joe Lockhart, the White House spokesman, said the Administration "could not agree with him more" and hoped the "visitations" would stop now.

Greenspan's testimony Thursday came as the General Accounting Office issued a report on the rising Health Care costs of US Senators in recent weeks.


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