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SuBBrilliant News Archives- February 1999

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Pet Peeves A Nuisance

Domesticated Peeves Thrive Despite Laws

by Rev. Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 05-Feb-99 18:11:17 EST:

Long before the Pet Rock became a novelty item in the 1970's, or the Egyptians domesticated kitty cats, Human Beings have kept Peeves as pets. Biologists have not yet determined if Peeves (Irkus Annoyus) are members of the Insect or Rodent families, but we do know that they are indigenous to every region worldwide, and can inhabit any climate where man himself can survive. And while Pet peeves can be entertaining and endearing, they can also be quite deadly.

Pet Peeves have voracious appetites. Being omnivorous, they can digest anything small enough to swallow, including other Pet Peeves. If not spayed or neutered, they will multiply faster than inebriated rabbits at a Presidential Intern Reception. In fact, the Pet Peeve population has risen 965% (+\-4%) in the last 30 years, due to technological advances and the prosperity of Televangelism.

Among some other unflattering and filthy habits, most Pet Peeves are not box trainable, and are constantly making a mess of carpets and their owner's relationships. Possessing razor sharp teeth and an aggressive temperament, even the most adorable and adaptable Pet Peeves are more stubborn than cats, and can be more vicious than a rabid dog when left uncontrolled.

Outlawed in 48 states, (except for Mississippi and Utah) many Pet Peeve fanciers openly flout state laws by displaying their Pet Peeves for everyone to see. When taken out on the highway in the family vehicle, Pet Peeves have proven to be directly responsible for thousands of cases of road rage every year in Los Angeles County alone.

While studies show that most pet owners are healthier, happier, and live longer lives than those without, owners of Pet Peeves are a remarkable exception. With the associated stress and frustration that comes with owning and caring for their Pet Peeves, owners have a life span which average four years shorter than those with no pets at all. Like second hand smoke, even those in the vicinity of Pet Peeve owners can become victims and suffer from the effects of stress and frustration. Pet Peeves have been known to live for over 100 years, commonly dying when their owners do.

The United States Congress is being lobbied by Amnesty International, and may pass a Leash Law for Pet Peeves, making them less likely to injure or offend their owners or innocent bystanders. ©1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Kosovo Delegation Grounded

Paris Peace Talks Off to Rocky Start

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 05-Feb-99 18:40:57 EST:

The planned Kosovo peace talks ran into trouble when members of the Kosovo Liberation Army were prevented from boarding a plane to Paris.

Officials of Kosovair say the KLA representatives do not have proper boarding passes. The KLA attained their passes under Kosovair's Yugoslavian frequent flyer program which was discontinued last month.

A spokesman for Kosovair said, "The KLA received notification of the change and were given ample opportunity to convert their YugoMiles into the new 'We're Here to Serb You Better' plan.

International monitors are trying to persuade the Serbs to let the rebels use their miles fly on SerbsSuperi-air.

Under the continued threat of Nato airstrikes against Yugoslav military targets, Belgrade refused to honour YugoMiles on any Serb Hel airlines.

A spokesman for President Milosevic's ruling party ruled out negotiating with people he called terrorists - a term regularly used by Belgrade to describe frequent flyers.

The spokesman, Ivica Dacic, said YugoMiles would only be honoured on Albaniair, which has no planes.

Meanwhile, the KLA suffered another day of cold sausage and hard airport seats as they wait stand-by for TWA.

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India Wins Test Match

Pakistan Fails Personality & Litmus

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Monday, 08-Feb-99 03:52:07 EST:
After 3 days and many sticky wickets, India prevailed in the premiership test match by having a more vibrant personality and proving to be acidic.

The test match involved a battery of tests including personality tests, IQ tests, driver's tests and litmus tests.

"It was a close match all 3 days," said Indian pensman Ravrishankar Dalimatrebeshekar. "Pakistan stayed close but it was our day 'at bat' so to speak."

Judges found India to have a 'brighter' personality and to correctly have tested acidic on the final Litmus Test.

The score had not always looked bright for India as they fell behind on the driver's test and only pulled even on the second day's nuclear test.

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Creation Scientists Discover Genetic Cure For Atheism!

Holy Ghost Influences Lab Results

by Rev. Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Wednesday, 10-Feb-99 04:20:13 EST:
(Nazareth, AK) Creation Scientists have discovered an Atheism Suppressor Gene (ASG) which may cure this philosophical disease that effects millions of people throughout the world.

"We've detected a gene that is present in normal heart cells which blocks the protuberant rationality and manifest skepticism so common in atheists," said Geraldo Toosay, Professor of Creation Science at the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School at a news conference last Sunday.

After years of intense prayer and penitent animal sacrifices, Toosay and his colleagues discovered the gene. The Holy Ghost provided divine inspiration on laboratory techniques to transfer healthy pious genes directly into groupings of mutated Metaphysical Cells.

Malignant Rationality Syndrome, most commonly found in males, is a life-threatening heart disorder and also the prevalent cause of eternal damnation among 17-35 year olds.

Proclaimed Toosay, "ASG's are directly involved in the facilitation of faith and devotion to God, suppressing first stage agnosticism and the often consequent atheism affliction. They prohibit the uncontrolled growth of rationality within the Metaphysical Cells, and rationality is known to be synonymous with freethinking and atheism. It is our goal to help all unfortunate atheists conform to their culture's theistic indoctrinations and recognize their sinful nature; thereby avoiding the confusion, insecurity and self-acceptance that result from rejecting their indigenous deity. Praise Jesus!"

The Creation Scientists not only identified the new gene but also mapped the portions of Chromosome 42 where it is located. This information will lead to the design and manufacturing of more effective atheism therapies and treatment strategies.

It now appears that mankind is very close to only needing to pop a pill to believe in God and gain their elusive Salvation.

When asked about the possibility that atheist infidels are blissful in their iniquities and would refuse such radical treatment, Toosay preached, "It is for their own good. They are sick, they know not what they do. The Moral Majority is already lobbying for Congressional Legislation which will require atheists' cooperation in this genetic conversion."

Toosay warns that this Grace will not come cheap, and adds that Metaphysical Cells are not Christian specific, but promote all denominational beliefs in God. "Who knows, with a little more prayer in the laboratory we will be able to ease much intolerance and strife in the world by advancing our genetic work and deliver all theists to the one correct Christian view."

© 1999 by Reverend Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Dead President's Society

Former US Leaders Combine

by (Kierkegaard) Thursday, 18-Feb-99 21:50:51 EST:
WASHINGTON — Tired of constantly being outdone by the living former presidents, Grover Cleveland, John Quincy Adams, and Zachary Taylor are forming the Dead Former Presidents Coalition.

"First they supported NAFTA, then they went to the funeral of King Hussein. We'd love to have this kind of exposure only we're dead," Cleveland said.

So far, Cleveland, Adams, and Taylor are the only coalition members although several other dead presidents have expressed interest in joining. John F. Kennedy said he'd love to join, if only to question the media's obsession with President Clinton's sex life.

"I don't understand it. I slept with hundreds of women in the White House and smoked pot and nobody said a word. Clinton gets a blow job and all of a sudden, everybody's up in arms," Kennedy said.

Taylor said he enjoyed the media accounts of the opening of his grave, but since then, he hasn't gotten any good press.

"I hired a new press secretary, launched a huge media blitz, but nothing," lamented Taylor.

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Conspiracy Declared Over

Aging Conspirators Look Forward to Retirement

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 18-Feb-99 23:51:34 EST:
BARTON-UPON-HUMBER, Humberside - Officials of the conspiracy to run the world announced an end to their plans and declared the conspiracy a success.

This sleepy English village has served as headquarters for the white men who have run the world continuously since 1919. These men carried on the plans of several groups which have run the world on and off since 1565.

Gary Smith, 92 of New York, told SBN that the group was getting "too old" to carry out the day to day secrecy and planning required for a secret worldwide conspiracy.

After tying up loose ends, the main conspiracy will end on 2nd May, 1999. Afterwards, projects and properties not terminated will be handed over to a variety of parties including Bill Gates, the CIA and the BBC.

Critics who spoke outside the pub where the announcement took place, claimed the retirment was a cover-up for a new younger group to carry on.

"It's just not so," said James Jones, the conspirators accountant, "We've really closed the books. You can tell we've been slowing down by looking at world events. Clinton's still in office, pop music groups are playing in Iran, good beer is available worldwide. It's obvious we haven't been top of our game in some time now. It's over. The world will just have to run itself without us.

Some members of the group plan to enter the teaching profession while others have purchased various islands on which to retire.

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Santa Claus Announces Policy Change

Naughtiness Disincentives Increased

by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 19-Feb-99 21:22:00 EST:
From his North Pole headquarters, Santa Claus announced he will increase punishments for naughtiness beginning the next Chriscal year.

Mr. Claus stated that too many children were getting by being naughty and then having their parents masquerade as Santa, providing presents to children who don't deserve them.

 "Frankly it has disgusted me for centuries," Claus said. "Lots of kids don't even think there is a Santa Claus because their parents hide the truth by buying them presents. I intend to end this charade and show naughty kids they have to get what's coming to them and no longer hide behind Mommy & Daddy's skirts."

Beginning in the next Chriscal year Santa will no longer cross naughty children off his list, but instead abduct them bodily.

I used to do it before the 6th Century when Pope Gregory made me the poster boy for evil. But I've discussed this with Pope John Paul II and we agree stronger measures are called for."

The new policy will be accompanied by an advertising campaign with the slogan 'He's Watching.'

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New UK Chip Smaller, Faster

Hopes to Revive Sagging British Economy

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@concentric.net) Friday, 26-Feb-99 00:22:16 EST:
BRISTOL - "We're going to make Britain famous for Chips, and not the kind you eat with fish either!" said an enthusiastic spokesman for the UK's leading chip manufacturer.

The UKTech Company unveiled new technology today that could make people smaller and faster.

"Overpopulation would be eased by smaller people and faster people mean more productivity for business. This is 'win-win' for everyone," said the spokesman.

UKTech said that successful test operations on friends and neighbours were completed this week. One elderly gentleman showed an overall 67% rise in productivity corresponding with a 20% reduction in mass.

UKTech says it can place both logic and memory circuits on a single neuron to be used inside the shorter people. The people will run at speeds from 200 megahertz to about 700 megahertz.

High-end versions of people will cost several thousand pounds but UKTech said lower-end designs could go as low as £300.

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Marxism Acquired by Scientology

Jentzch Calls Merger Positive

by Pilot X w/Paco Nathan & Jesus (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 26-Feb-99 00:54:28 EST:

The Church of Scientology announced the acquisition of 100% of Marxism. Marxism, the 160 year old workers ideology boasts millions of members and a strong brand name identification.

Scientology acquired Marxism through the issuance of 8.5 million new political ideal shares, the result of which control of Marxism will be assumed by Rev. Heber Jentzch, President of Scientology. All former officials of Marxism, with the exception of Mikhail Gorbachev, have resigned. In their stead, several Scientology officers, have been elected.

Much of Marxisms intellectual properties, including it's famous ‘Red Fist'and ‘Hammer & Sickle' logos, were purchased by Microsoft (Nasdaq:MSFT) for $425 million.

Unlike Socialism, Marxism focuses on emerging markets. The number of workers in those markets is expected to grow much more rapidly than in the west. In addition, Marxism provides service in every market in which it operates. This service, available through a number of underground cells outside the U.S., focuses on Workers rights.

"The use of workers ideologies through traditional sources is a rapidly expanding business that represents a tremendous opportunity for Scientology and its shareholders. Marxism offers the first affordable solution for hundreds of millions of people who up until now have had no chance of reaping the benefits of the Scientology," says Jentzch.

International Data Corporation (IDC) predicts that 12 million Marxists will Exist in 2002. At the same time, the number of Marxists in the emerging markets is expected to continue to grow at a rate of 38% annually through 2001. According to the International Telecommunications Union, the number of Marxists outside North America is expected to exceed the number of Marxists in North America in the year 1999. At the same time, revenue from Marxists is expected to exceed $100 billion worldwide by the end of next year.

"Our estimated target markets consists of over 500 million households in Asia and South America, where more than 20 million television sets are sold annually, but only the upper classes can afford computers. We believe that the benefits of Scientology should not be limited only to the rich. Marxism's low cost system will enable millions to benefit from Scientology," says I.M. Wight, newly named president of Marxism.

Marxism's new business model is built upon deriving revenue from the three sources: licensing of Marxism Proprietary Ideology (known as Dialectical Materialism to practitioners), licensing of Marxist Slogans, and providing a portal service -- Marxism Online Service -- and deriving advertising and transaction revenues from its users.

As a result of this transaction, together with existing shares and warrants, Marxism will have approximately 8 million shares outstanding on a fully diluted basis. Marxism had revenues in 1998 of approximately $1.5 million, with an operating profit of $300,000. The company has no debt.

As part of the transaction, and subject to shareholder approval, Marxism will change its corporate name to Sicentological Marxism Inc.com. Marxism will be headquartered in New York City, with operating and sales offices in Singapore, Malaysia, China and South America.

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Reporter Back From Dead


by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 26-Feb-99 17:36:03 EST:
Greetings, my friends. I must again welcome myself back to the living. And I thank Ace, and the staff at the Salt Lake City compound for keeping my frozen carcass so well preserved these long months. Though I do think my pants are a bit loose. Anyway. I feel I owe you, dear Friends and readers, an explaination about my 12 month sabbatical, and for that reason I won't give you one.

As I sat on the front porch of my manse in Austin (thanks this time to Ol' One Eyed Julio for keeping everything in the right place) shaking the last few ice crystals out of my hair and pondering over my mission in this latest life of mine, I decided that for this, my Fourth resurrection, I should treat the SuBBrilliant readers to something special. A view of the world as it were. Or as it IS, rather.

I was struck by the wanderlust that has plagued the Rusputin clan since our eviction from the left half of the British Isle. That, and Julio's incessant playing of Tito Puente on the Hi-Fi, convinced me to pack up the Toyota, and head towards the second star on the right and straight on 'til I run out of gas.

I plan to travel the Seven Seas, or as far as the old hatchback will take me. And YOU, dear readers will be there with me! From Minnessota to Marrakesh, I will give you all a taste of what the world has to offer a three hundred and fifty-five year old reporter and his reams of riveted readers.

Think you that this is just my latest scheme to milk Ace out of every last penny in the SuBbrilliant Slush fund? Well, you're probably right. But I've been dead for a year. I think he owes me one.

So off I go with nothing but the clothes on my back, my trusty SuBBrilliant GutTop model #8956 mobile Netlink computer, and all the Jack Daniel's the Toyota can carry.

Stay tuned.

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Congress deplores Clinton sex-for-favors

Failure of politics

by Tracy Danisson (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 26-Feb-99 15:43:36 EST:
Berlin -- Speaking here at the annual gathering of the Free Peoples Movement in this new- old capital of a painfully reunited Germany on a grim and cloudy Eastern European winter's day, Paul Weyrich, known for his relentless pursuit of a better conservative America, summed up his feelings at the conclusion of the nearly year-long Clinton- Lewinsky slap-tickle and jobs-for- favors scandal and impeachment crisis.

Weyrich stated, "Politics itself has failed," to a warm reception by delegates of this international conservative movement that brings together ethnic Europeans including Germans but also usually warring Hutus and Tutsis from Central Africa, Israelis and Arabs from the Middle East, Hindu nationalists and Bengali separatists from the Indian subcontinent, ethnic Malays and Han Chinese, from both the market-communist Peoples Republic of China and democratizing Taiwan, as well as Japanese and Koreans and conservative Americans of all racial hues in a sober but friendly 3-day celebration of conservative values the world over.

The delegates applauded vigorously when Weyrich, the up-front and in-your-face billionaire founder of the influential conservative Free Congress Foundation, a think tank, continued, "Politics has failed because of the collapse of the culture. The culture we are living in is an ever wider sewer," in which there is no moral majority.

Delegates heard that American conservatives would be joining more in extra-political activity in the world-wide struggle against "a cultural collapse of historical proportions, a collapse is so great that it simply overwhelms politics," in order to preserve the world-historical mission against a general moral decline such as that which became apparent from polling data in the United States.

That data showed that a consistently vast majority of Americans did not strongly enough disapprove of immoral acts including, but not excluding, vaginal penetration, oral sex, object sex -- from President Clinton's now famous use of a Cuban cigar to stimulate the genital organs of Monica Lewinsky, the 21-year-old Californian White House intern whose graphic grand jury testimony about her lurid sexual encounters with US President Bill Clinton, 53, nearly ended with impeachment, avoided only by a narrowly party-line vote in the Senate -- phone sex or masturbation, whether these took place standing, sitting or prone by either party, even when confronted with the clear will of the nation's natural leadership, whose persuasion, while clearly inadequate, Weyrich believes, was useless in the face of an accelerating decline in the traditional moral values.

Weyrich hopes conservatives will cultivate these values more intensively over the next few years, closing his speech with an invitation to delegates to get on with the new struggle and look forward to happier themes at next year's meeting, to be held in Oklahoma City.

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