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SuBBrilliant News Archives- March 1999

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Illinois Schoolgirl Ends World Hunger

Receives B-

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 04-Mar-99 18:10:26 EST:
POCAHONTAS, IL - An astonishing solution to world hunger was announced yesterday. According to a paper in Mrs. Rathskelle's 5th Grade Social Studies Class the solution is simple, easy to implement & virtually costless.

Rebecca Wells turned in the paper Tuesday. Wiseman, also known for her work in Math Class, said she noticed that taking the 3rd derivative of certain functions she created to model social phenomena discussed in Social Studies revealed an elegant way to end starvation.

"It's just something I lucked across," said Wells. "I'm surprised no one came up with it before."

Mr.s Rathskeller plans to forward the paper to several heads of state as well as the UN, as soon as Wells re-copies the paper with better penmanship and corrects certain glaring spelling errors.

Wells received a B- on the paper due in part to the spelling errors and also for turning it in late.

"Like I say at the beginning of every school year," said an intractable Mrs. Rathskeller, "I don't care if you solve the problem of world hunger, if you hand it in after the bell, you lose a letter grade.

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China Scientists Find Source of Homosexuality

Enacts Zero-Tolerance for Purses and Beds

by Tracy Danison (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 04-Mar-99 18:05:15 EST:
Beijing - Chinese government researchers here say they have found evidence of the cause of homosexuality. Dr. Yu Wang, emeritus professor at Beijing's Special Penological Institute for Criminological Studies and Corrective Treatments called for Party cadres to look the facts about homosexuality in the face.

"We do know certainly that purple and yellow are the favorite colors of this type," Dr. Yu told an audience of attentive Politburo members at the Ho Dung Institute for a Healthier Way of Living. "We are also able to make the connection between those so-called colors and a purse or pocketbook."

Dr. Yu also said oral evidence gathered showed the connection, which would be published in next month's issue of the Institute's "Annals of Correction", the official journal of Beijing's penological community.

Dr. Yu, who is also warden of the Beijing State Corrective Institute Number 48 and chairman of the Party Standing Committee on Internal Security, wagged a sausage-like finger and charged his listeners to be less tolerant of deviations.

"Penal codes are part of the annals of our daily lives," Dr. Yu said, citing Confucius -- an unusually strong step, insiders say -- to justify his view, "'The ram,'" he intoned, "'Loves the lotus but when the horn is not yet curled.'"

The criminal penalty for homosexuality will be raised to life imprisonment, officials said after the speech.

Sources say Dr. Yu and his colleagues, as well as the party leadership, are concerned with the rise of sexual degeneracy among China's burgeoning billion.

"We must not become frustrated," Dr. Yu said during the speech, "The weight of evidence showed that beds have played a large role, particularly beds raised, or elevated, off the ground, thereby giving rise to a vacant, or empty, space then filled in with the imagination."

Dr. Yu proposed outlawing the use of elevated beds as has been done recently in North Korea. "Without the wealth of vile things that flourish in that dirty environment," the official pointed out, "We will all sleep much better."

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Ace Reporter Hits Herzogovina

Meets Many "Friends"

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 04-Mar-99 18:19:00 EST:
Greetings from Rusputin, Roving Reporter!
For those of you who missed last week's story, go read it. Keep up damn you! Just scroll down a bit, it's right down there.

So I headed out of Austin on 290 East. Destination: Czechoslovakia. After a few hours, I realized that I was slightly lost. The terrain looked right (from what I've heard about Eastern Europe), but every time I stopped to ask directions the burly locals laughed in my face. Damn them all! Fucking savages couldn't even speak English. So I spied a troop truck full of U.S. Marines and I decided to follow it. Where there's Marines, there's...well a lot of stuff I guess. Anyway we eventually stopped in a place called Herzegovina. It ain't Czechoslovakia, but it's close enough for me. I traded the local commander a quart of Jack for a set of papers and went out to paint the town.

I met a nice guy named Kolcha in a tavern just outside of town. He bought me a beer that was too dark for my taste and took me to a sewer pipe to meet his brothers. Kolcha has a lot of brothers, and they're all pretty well armed, but hey, I'm from Texas. I'm used to that. Kolcha's brothers asked me to take their other brothers (I think they're Catholic) a few crates of something. I don't know what the hell's in the crates. The bastards don't speak a word of English, but they gave me some eight track tapes and a copy of Zlota's Diary, so it worked out even.

Kolcha and I headed up into the hills in the Toyota, but before we got ten miles a truck full of assholes in blue berets started shooting at us! What pricks! Thankfully Kolcha knew a shortcut and we lost them on this really twisty road. Kolcha pulled out his Cell Phone and tried to call someone, but a bunch of Moes with a howitzer opened up on us before he could say two sentences. Luckily, we didn't get hit, but the truck full of Blue Berets got evaporated. What a bunch of pussies. I bet the Green Berets could kick their asses. John Wayne wouldn't take no shit from a bunch of Slavos with howitzers.

So we caught up with Kolcha's other brothers, and we handed over the crates. They were really nice. They gave me a cigarette and stood me up against a wall to take my picture, I guess, but Kolcha didn't want them to. I think he was jealous. Anyway, Kolcha and I got back in the Toyota (which has two nice new bullet holes, thank you very much you Blue Beret assholes!) and we headed out. I don't know where we're going. Every time I ask, Kolcha shows me his gun to distract me. It's a very nice gun. A Glock, I think, but I would kind of like to drop him off and get going. I have a deadline. But we've broken open our third bottle of Jack, and we're having a good time for now. Kolcha says "Hi." Actually he's saying something over and over, but I don't know what the hell it is 'cause the fucker can't speak any English. There's a checkpoint up ahead, and Kolcha's acting like he has to get out and pee, so I'd better sign off. So long for now! Stay tuned!

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Greenspan Predicts Home Run Rise

Threatens Ticket Price Hike

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Tuesday, 09-Mar-99 03:53:02 EST:
WASHINGTON - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan predicted yesterday that St. Louis slugger Mark McGwire would continue to hit a record number of homeruns during the 1999 baseball season.

"I do not see a slowdown in sight," Greenspan said.

If McGwire does not continue his homerun hitting streak from last year, Greenspan is prepared to raise baseball ticket prices to boost homerun production.

Shortly after Greenspan's announcement, stocks prices of BallPark franks, Cracker Jacks, and Budweiser beer soared.

In a rare demonstration of reticence, Greenspan had nothing to say about the U.S. economy, interest rates, or Social Security.

"I've been too busy predicting horoscopes to pay attention to those things," he said.

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US to Sell Advertising Space on Coinage

Rate Card Issued

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@concentric.net) Thursday, 11-Mar-99 23:02:32 EST:
WASHINGTON - Everyone in America is talking about new quarters. The new 25 cent coins feature a new design on the reverse for each state. But the treasury department is afraid they overspent on the design change.

To solve this problem Treasury Department experts teamed with top advertising agencies. The solution: Sell ads on money.

This innovative new strategy is not as crazy as it sounds. With a minimum of redesign and good planning, removable templates can be manufactured allowing the US Mint to sell space on coinage and bills for a profit.

"The first takers are MCI and Sun Microsystems," said a US Mint spokesperson. "We talked to Bill Gates but he was worried that with the amount of money he has he would be largely advertising to himself.

The prototype quarters feature the current obverse face with the previous design elements crammed onto one side. The other side would feature slogans, logos or even holographic java-based advertisements that play every time the money is spent.

"We're going to pump up the rate at which we put out the new state-backed quarters. The rate card is out and can be viewed at www.ustreasury.gov."

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Colonies Rejoin Empire

Overturn Independence Declaration

by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 11-Mar-99 22:42:06 EST:
LONDON - Swearing alleigance to the Queen, the United States of America rejoined the British Empire today. The newest member and yet in some senses one of the oldest, member countries, takes on similar status to Canada.

Newly appointed Governor-General Kenneth Brannagh explained it this way: The United States recognizes Queen Elizabeth II as their Head of State and Sovereign with the right to appoint a Governor-General to oversee royal interests. However, there is still complete legislative, executive and judicial separation. The Queen has taken on the mantle of the Church of America under the new First Ammendment."

"We looked at the Declaration of Independence and realized that these grievances are over 200 years old. Most all of them have been remedied by the UK. It's time to forgive and forget and re-join the Empire," said a White House spokesman.

Under the new system Congress will send bills to the President who will sign them and then carry them with the Governor General to the Queen for her assent.

"As far as having another check and balnce, I think it's a great idea," said President Clinton.

Opposition to the change has already been quelled by British Grenadiers. In addition the Monarchist party has formed to campaign in 2000 to give the Queen more power.

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Rusputin Heads East

Gets Thrown Into -- Restaurant

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 11-Mar-99 22:12:04 EST:
Hello from Peking!

I've had a pretty successful trip so far, and for those of you who haven't been keeping up, I suggest that you give up now. You'll be hopelessly lost.

Editor's Note: Or you may scroll down and read recent dispatches
So I stopped at this checkpoint, and my friend Kolcha the Herzegovenian got out to talk to the guards. I got kinda bored, so I went on through the gate. I've got a deadline you know. Well, Kolcha thought this was pretty funny. He raised his arms at me and shouted something in Herzegovinian, and he borrowed a jeep from the guards. We raced on the road to Greece for a while, but I lost him and headed East to get some food. He'll probably catch up later.

When I got to China it took me a while to find a good bar. What the fuck kind of language do they speak anyway? The bar was nice. I met a fellow American, thank Zeus, and he turned out to be pretty cool. This guy used to work for the Department of Energy (Remind me to look that one up) and now he's in China on some kind of witness relocation program. It all sounded pretty interesting, but they weren't serving food at this bar, so had to leave.

I started asking around for a good Chinese restaurant, and these guys in bellhop outfits showed up and escorted me to the place! I got my own private dining room with a toilet and everything. I tell you what, these Chinese really know how to do a Chinese restaurant!

Another bellhop in a shiny hat came to take my order, but I don't think he'll get it right. He didn't even write it down. They brought me drink, but I don't know what it was. It definitely wasn't a Jack and Coke. It tasted all mediciney and made feel kinda happy. When I asked for a glass of water, they served it from an eyedropper into my eyes! I'm still thirsty, but kinda relaxed now. I think I'll take a nap. I hope they wake me up when the food comes.

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MP Says He Did Not Pay For Sex

Regrets Minor Deception

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 18-Mar-99 21:11:53 EST:
An MP who was present at a Thai massage parlour during a police raid has denied that he lied to officials about paying for sex.

Labour's Joe Ashton insisted, "the sex was complementary and in no way entered into the final bill. If I had known sex came with the meal, I would of course have ordered something else."

The MP for Bassetlaw previously denied paying for sex . He has not yet explained his presents.

But Northamptonshire Chief Constable Chris Fox said those presents constituted a form of payment.

But Mr Ashton on dismissed this allegation saying, "I have nothing to hide and I would like to state again that I am not telling lies."

"When the policeman asked for my name and the address of my London flat, together with its phone number, I socked him because I thought he was making untoward advances."

"I am a happily married man and the fact that take several French magazines and spend all my time away from our country home in bachelor digs in London should not be taken to mean otherwise."

He conceded one count of deception in his conversation with officers in the massage parlour.

"Regretfully, I admit I did add several minutes to certain events. "

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Burn the Cities; Rape the Children

Extreme Party Candidate Announces for US Presidency

by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 18-Mar-99 21:28:05 EST:
WASHINGTON - Standing before a defiled version of the Statue of Liberty and wearing a burning flag, Irving Millard Wright of the Extreme Party announced his candidacy for the US presidency.

'There are 3 main things we need to do to make this country great," screeched Wright. "Burn the cities, rape the children and pillage the old and defenceless."

Wright went on to explain how his plan to burn the top 20 metropolitan areas in the United States would eliminate much poverty and immorality and provide a great economic boost to rural areas and industries.

"Let's get back to the pastoral promise this great country once had," said Wright.

His extremely controversial plan to employ all children as sex slaves for members of congress caused another great stir. Wright defended the plan as institutionalizes what eventually happens to all Americans.

"If we institutionalize & decriminalize pederasty we de-stigmatize it can tax it and control it."

Finally, Wright put forth in detail for the first time, his idea to pillage the old of money and property, re-distributing it to those who can make better use of it.

"On these three principle I will not compromise," concluded Wright. "And on these three principles we can build a better more holy America.

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Out of China and Into the Fire

Intrepid Rusputin's Globe-trotting Continues

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 18-Mar-99 20:13:14 EST:
Greetings my fair friends. If you've been following along like good little readers, then you already know the story so far. If you haven't then tough luck. Editor: Or just scroll Down

When I woke up I was no longer in my private dining room, but in a large room facing a panel of people who looked entirely too serious. They kept saying things and pointing at me and saying things, but I'll be damned if I could tell what they were saying. They must've been speaking Chinese or some fucking thing. My friend from the bar was there, but he wasn't really an American after all. Turns out he was a Mexican from some place called Los Alamos. I asked him if it was the same Alamos as in the movie with John Wayne, but he just laughed. I guess the Mexicans still haven't forgiven the Duke for that one.

Things got pretty confusing there in that room. Everyone seemed real mad. I hope my credit card didn't bounce. Regardless, those Chinese were still very courteous. After they got through talking, they wanted to put me on a plane back to the States. I guess they didn't realize that I still had a lot of places to see before I went home. They put me in a nice black van to take me to the airport, but when the Marines showed up with their helicopter I decided that I would rather go with them. Like I always say; Where there's Marines there's helicopters, and I'd never been on a helicopter before. Well, I think the Chinese were insulted that I got out of their car, They are a bit touchy. So they started shooting at the Marines, and the Marines started shooting back cause they don't like being shot at. And who can blame them. All of this action made me change my mind about the helicopter. It wasn't as exciting as I had thought it would be, so I got off.

It took me a while to remember where I had parked the Toyota, but a nice young man with a bicycle took me right to it. Seems there was a big crowd around it, and an angry man in a boring suit was shouting and pointing at it. I guess the meter ran out. So I tipped the guy a twenty, (I'm guessing he was the meter man) and I got out of there before they towed it, and headed west. When I got to Jamaica I decided I deserved a little rest. I met a nice man who rolled his own cigarettes and we hung out a while. It was so nice meeting people who spoke English. 

I'm sitting on the beach now, hanging out with my new friends, and smoking their hand rolled cigarettes. There's a group of them dancing around a fire with a chicken, pointing at me and chanting. I hope they're getting ready to cook it for me. I'm not too fond of chicken, but I'm really hungry. Well, now some guy wearing a mask wants me to join them by the fire. I guess it's dinner time. Stay tuned.


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Russia, Allies Hit Mexican Targets

2 Mexican Jets Downed; No CIS Losses Reported

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Thursday, 25-Mar-99 16:14:37 EST:
MOSCOW - Russia and its CIS allies slammed Mexico Wednesday night with scores of missiles and bombs, striking power plants, anti-aircraft strikes and other targets.

As wave after wave of CIS warplanes and missiles pressed the operation deep into Mexico, President Yeltsin said the world had lost patience with Mexican military aggression in Mexico's southern province of Chiapas.

"Ending this tragedy is a moral imperative, Yeltsin said, hoping to build on thin public support for the operation. "Our firmness is the only hope the people of Chiapas have to be able to live in their own country without fearing for their lives."

No immediate casualty or damage estimates were given. Subcomandante Marcos, commander of Chiapas rebels, said 40 targets were hit in the first waves, but he claimed the damage was minimal.

With Wednesday's operations nearly complete, a Russian spokesperson said that there had been no CIS losses and, "aircraft have safely returned to bases in Cuba."

At least a dozen US made jet fighters rose to challenge the CIS air armada and Kremlin officials said at least two of the interceptors were shot down, one by a Ukrainian pilot and one by a Russian. They said a third dogfight might have brought down another Mexican plane but they had no confirmation.

Explosions ripped the perimeters of Chiapas' capital, San Cristobal de las Casas and the suburbs of the Mexican capital, Mexico City around 7PM GMT, as air raid sirens blared.

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Lucky Bear to market "smart zips" in US

by Tracy Danison (simplicite@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 26-Mar-99 16:36:53 EST:
Hong Kong -- Entrepreneur industrialist Sun Yi has announced that his firm, Lucky Bear China Industries, will soon introduce the first "intelligent zippers."

Sun, whose ventures include successful deals to manufacture low-cost time and motion efficiency prompters in word processing and industrial piecework equipment, told a press conference today that he expects the new zippers to sell well in the US. Sun sees a $3 billion market developing in the first 2 years.

Lucky Bear gained 89 points on the Hang Seng index in the minutes after the announcement. "Many, many concerned parents," said the ruddy-faced tycoon, whose firm handshake and informal manner recall his origins as a prison guard in China's remote Singkiang Province.

The zippers are coated with a new material called "smart metal", oxyaluminate micropropylene, that senses tiny shifts in temperature and motion and can alert wearers when areas of the body near the zip site are inadvertently stimulated. As with mobile phones, consumers may choose beeper or vibration alarm options.

Sun told reporters that he had the idea when he noticed that marketing data showed most Americans deeply concerned about "sexy trash" children were hearing in the mass media, especially television. "We have same problem in China," Sun declared, adding that "forewarned is long armed." The industrialist sees parents using smart zips for training pre- and early teens, but "can envision" an adult market driven by lawsuit-minded employers, particularily in the area of sexual harassment.

U.S. Education undersecretary Nancy Comstock welcomed the new product but cautioned that "individual beeper alerts might prove disruptive in a classroom setting. We might suggest developing a network silent alert solution involving parents, teachers and the community." White House spokespersons failed to return phone calls soliciting comment by press time.

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Clinton On Yugoslav Bombings:

"We Simply Cannot Tolerate Intolerance"

by Lurkette (btlurkette@hotmail.com) Sunday, 28-Mar-99 18:54:13 EST:
WASHINGTON Pausing while Secret Service agents muscled several dozen homeless demonstrater's from camera view, Clinton continued yesterday's Lincoln Memorial speech to assorted groups who had traveled to the nation's capitol to promote freedom.

"Americans believe in live and let live.", exclaimed a beaming Clinton, while watching surviving members of the Freeman of Montana standoff and the Branch Davidian Church masacre of Waco, TX., being led off for questioning by Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms authorities. A woman resembling the famed widow Shirley Allen of Roby, IL., was seen stepping off a motor coach tour bus near the Clinton rally was immediately taken into custody for pshchiatric evaluation.

Vietnamese and Cambobian fisherman,who had been 'reeducated' by Texas' gulf coast residents, filled most of the Memorial's handicapped parking spaces.

A large contingency of Spanish-speaking Californians were not allowed admission to the Memorial due to the fact that "they refused to speak English", according to Peter Wilson, a Memorial security guard.

"Americans do not believe in shoving human beings off their homeland", Clinton told the visiting Cherokee Trail of Tears decendants. "All people have a right to live their lives in peace", he explained to the drummed-out-of-the-military gays.

"Americans must not allow ethnicity to determine where fellow humans may live", he explained to the large crowd of frowning black americans and country clubless jews. "We must teach the rest of the world how to treat their fellow man", concluded Clinton.

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SEC Ends Fire Monopoly

Says Competition Will Promote Efficiency

by J. R. Maris and PilotX (
jrmaris@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 26-Mar-99 04:42:08 EST:
AUSTIN - RapidFire Inc. of Texas has been cleared by the SEC to begin operations in direct competition with local fire departments. A pilot program in Austin, Texas will blaze the way toward a new way of fighting fires.

Citizens will now have a choice between the traditional 9-1-1 phone number and the new number, 10-10-8-1-1 when their homes or businesses are burning.

"We're very pleased that another monopoly has been ended and the way paved for free-market competition," said RapidFire spokesperson Jane Burns.

RapidFire employs state of the art firefighting techniques developed in Sweden combined with a media-savvy marketing campaign targeted toward the 'MTV' generation.

Not only is response time shortened but first-time customers will receive a bucket of free 'hot wings' to enjoy while the flames are extinguished.

"Our hot wings are flame kissed and tossed in our special 'firehouse' sauce. We dare anyone to find a public utility that serves a tastier wing," said Burns.

RapidFire offers several firefighting packages. The 'Eco-fighter' includes pure organic spring water which is reclaimed after the blaze and re-used for drought relief in impoverished countries. Women may like the 'Just for Her' package which includes several choices of scented flame-retardant foam available in 'spring rain' 'autumn dew' and the Calvin Klein designed fragrance 'Inferno'. Other packages include 'Home on the Range' for western fans, the gay friendly 'Flamer' and a 'Kosher' package for Chasidic jews which includes a free rabbi.

The Austin campaign will begin with a guarantee that RapidFire will respond in 15 minutes or the fire is free. There will also be a 'take the challenge' promotion inviting those experiencing a fire to call both the local fire department and RapidFire to see who responds more quickly.

Motorists will notice that RapidFire replaces the traditional siren with loud broadcasts of popular rock songs including Kiss's "Firehouse", REO Speedwagon's "Keep the Fire Burnin'", The Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House" and of course the Crazy World of Arthur Brown's "Fire".

RapidFire plans to test-market in Austin for 6 months before expanding operations to the west coast inner cities and Detroit.

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