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SuBBrilliant News Archives- May 1999

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May Contents

Governor Bush Announces He Will Use Ground Troops

"Texas is Armed and Ready" Says Governor

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 07-May-99 17:04:18 EST:
AUSTIN - US Presidential candidate and Texas Governor George W. Bush announced he will send ground troops into Kosovo if President Clinton doesn't.

"We need to have one objective in mind and that is to achieve the goals (of victory) and to do so ferociously," said Bush.

With that in mind the Texas Governor outlined a plan to send Texas Troops into Kosovo with or with out NATO approval.

Bush insisted the Texas Army would go into Kosovo, "with a clearly defined mission and a clearly defined exit strategy." The Governor did not elaborate on what the strategy might be, citing security concerns.

The Texas Constitution guarantees the independence of the Texas Army (The Texas National Guard) in operations to defend itself. However, that clause has not been invoked since the decade after annexation. It was not invoked during the US Civil War.

Critics say that Bush's interpretation of the Kosovo crisis as a direct threat to Texas is on shaky ground. Many accuse the Governor of playing politics.

"Governor Bush is a unique position," said US political analyst John Struthers of the Jefferson Foundation. "Unlike other Governors he can use the broad powers of the Texas Constitution which give him a similar arsenal to that of the President. The fact that he's using it means he's serious but also sets a dangerous precedent for future sitting Texas Governors who may seek the Presidency."

Bush says he will mobilize the Texas Army unless President Clinton proves that the current NATO strategy is on firmer ground than it appears.

Texas Army officers stated anonymously that they could be ready for an armed intervention in Kosovo as early as 19 May.

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Gates Donates $1 Billion to Gun Lobby

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 07-May-99 16:46:34 EST:
SEATTLE - Citing the need to ensure freedom, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced the investment of some 1 billion dollars, 1/50th of his personal fortune, into the National Rifle Association.

"In the wake of a preventible tragedy, it is with great satisfaction that we find a man willing to bolster the fight for freedom," said NRA president Charlton Heston.

Gates would not comment on the funding but a Microsoft press release stated that the Chairman was seeking profitable ventures wherever they might be found. The statement explicitly mentioned the recent investment in AT&T but only obliquely referred to the NRA funding as "other ventures."

Analysts predict this could be Gates first step toward bolstering himself for a political run in 2004 or 2008.

"He could make Steve Forbes look like a kid playing with toys," said political expert Tom Equanin, consultant for the Coolidge Foundation, a Washington think tank. "This man is more revered and more hated than any other politician in the country, including Bill Clinton."

The NRA announced they will use the funding to promote gun safety and gun violence prevention. One plan calls for encouraging the use of Microsoft security software to identify and spot warning signs in children's web pages.

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Hollywood Embraces Prequels

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 08-May-99 03:12:26 EST:
LOS ANGELES - On the heels of the anticipated success of the Star Wars prequel, Hollywood is planning to release more prequels to hit movies such as "Weekend at Bernie's."

"People are tired of sequels," said Hollywood executive Rip U. Off. "I mean, how many more "Sister Act 2"s can the public stomach?"

In the "Weekend at Bernie's" prequel, Bernie is still alive and planning a great weekend with his friends. He has several near death experiences, such as walking down the street and almost being hit by a wrecking ball as it slams into the side of a deteriorated building. Bernie makes many ironic, prophetic statements like "You're killing me!" to a friend who's telling him a side- splitting joke.

In the prequel to 9 1/2 weeks, entitled "The Week And One-Half Before 9 1/2 Weeks," Mickey Rourke is shown filling his ice cube trays and acting creepy. Kim Basinger is shown with her old boyfriend, the boring accountant from Mahwah, N.J.

In the Blues Brothers prequel, called "Blues Brothers1962," Jake and Ellmore are shown in grade school wearing dark suits and glasses. The boys play jokes on the nuns, plan heists at the local hardware stores, and do dance numbers in right field as the other grade schoolers play kickball. Their tomfoolery leads them into a life of crime and an eventual stint in jail.

In the prequel to Groundhog Day," Bill Murray relives Feb. 1 over and over again.

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Pope Excommunicates NATO Leaders

Vatican Shocked at Surprising Action

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 14-May-99 21:17:50 EST:
VATICAN CITY - Pope John Paul II announced the excommunication of all leaders of NATO countries due to the bombing of Yugoslavia. The Roman Pontiff also excommunicated Slobodan Milosevic as a show of equanimity

Cardinals called an emergency session to discuss the Pope's action which came as quite a surprise. There had been no indication that the Pope had been planning an excommunication.

Some fear the Pope's action could be a sign that his increasingly eccentric attitudes are getting the best of him. Rumours that he offered to buy Cuba and move the Vatican there are unconfirmed but have contributed to the unease.

The excommunication declares the heads of state of all NATO countries "insufferable and unclean in the eyes of God." and bars them from entry into heaven.

Prime Minister Tony Blair breathed a sigh of relief after realizing that only heads of state were excommunicated. This however, leaves Queen Elizaeth II outside of a Catholic heaven.

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Chicago AmTrack Derailment Blamed on Penny

TrenchCoat Mafia Implicated

by Rev. Tyrone Dye () Friday, 14-May-99 20:47:39 EST:
(Bourbonnais, IL) After months of investigation, the Federal Transportation Safety Board (FTSB) has determined the cause of the deadly AmTrack train crash in Bourbonnais, Illinois, to be a maliciously positioned penny inconspicuously obstructing its path. With Fourteen people dead, over 130 injured, and twelve still listed as missing, it remains one of the worst train disasters in American History.

Blame first focused on a sleep deprived truck driver, said to have impatiently run the Rail Road Crossing. But the final report now claims that a bent penny was found at the scene, strategically placed upon a rail in the vicinity of the crash, causing the "City of New Orleans" to jump the track. Also found was a trench coat, a KMFDM CD, and a used tube of Clearasil (tm).

FBI sources now have now confirmed that the derailment was the work of the Chicago based "TrenchCoat Mafia" crime organization.

Said FBI Special Agent J. Kruell Ness, "Pennys placed flat on a rail will be smashed into a wafer, while a penny positioned in a specific manner is potentially destructive to modern high speed trains. Kids have been trying to derail trains for years using the penny technique. It would appear the TrenchCoat Mafia has finally perfected it."

Like bomb construction, information on destructive penny placing techniques can be found easily on the Internet. In an attempt to protect national security and to avoid copycat derailments, SuBBrilliant News will not print the addresses of these web sites or details of the penny method used to destroy the "City of New Orleans".

Said Ness, "We are now expanding our investigation into other acts of domestic terrorism and links to the TrenchCoat Mafia."

To avoid future acts of destruction, state legislators are rushing to add pennies to the list of banned materials made illegal to minors, along with laser pointers, trench coats and paint spray cans.

(c) 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Zemin Finally Answers Phone

Clinton's Long Answering Machine Messages Too Much

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@concentric.net) Friday, 14-May-99 21:04:02 EST:
BEIJING - A new gambit by President Clinton to re-open talks with Chinese President Jiang Zemin has apparently prevailed. The two shared a brief phone conversation today.

Clinton has been attempting to get Zemin on the phone for some time since NATO planes bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade.

In the past 3 days Clinton had taken to leaving long answering machine messages in attempt to force Zemin to the phone. The strategy, developed with the input of key ex-interns proved successful.

"We told him that the way to get a man to pay attention to you in any culture, is sometimes constant annoyance," said one aide."It sometimes works for us."

A Brief transcript of today's call was provided by the press to highlight the success of the technique.

Zemin (recorded message): Hello, you have reached Chinese President Jiang Zemin. I'm either on the line or away putting down illegal political distrubances. Please leave your name and number and the time you called, GMT and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!

Clinton: Jiang! Hello Jiang are you there!. Jiang I know you're there please pick up the phone. ...... Look I said I'm sorry how long are you going to ignore me? .......... Jiang please pick up (pause) (sigh) Jiang I just wish you'd at least talk to me I..(click)

Zemin: Hi Bill.

Clinton: Oh Jiang. Thanks so much for picking up I just can't tell you how sorry I am. I mean it was the CIA, Jiang. They can't keep a secret, you know that and then they go and read the map upside down and I just ..

Zemin (interrupting):It's OK Bill I'm over it now. Just please stop calling so much. My wife, well, you know how she is ...

Clinton issued a statement saying the talk had gone well but both sides had a lot to work on.

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Rusputin Finds Skies Not So Friendly

Blitzered and Dragged on Air Force One

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 21-May-99 15:42:13 EST:
So as I'm leaving LAX, I begin my ascent to 9,000 feet, and who should come swooping down out of the sky, but that fucking Bill Clinton in Air Force One. I banked hard to starboard and dived as if to save my life, and luckily avoided a collision. I don't know what kind of instrumentation they have on that huge fucking plane, but there ain't nothing better than the old mach 1 eyeballs for avoiding a mid-air collision. Especially since the ILS system on the Toyota has been acting up lately. Regardless, I came about and began a landing approach. I intended to march right up to that big ass plane and give that Democrat a piece of my mind.

Well, security was a little tighter than I expected, but with my credentials it wasn't long before I was through the perimeter and inside Air Force One itself. It doesn't look anything like it did in the movie. Neither does the President, but I'm coming to that. I couldn't find his office for the life of me. For one thing, the stewardesses were useless. Every time I asked to see the president they just giggled and handed me a martini. Then Wolf Blitzer showed up and started talking my ear off about how he's so much more charming than Ted Turner, and how he deserves a shot at Jane. I had to tell him how lucky he was not to be involved with Jane, since I dated her briefly in Saigon. Well, that only fanned the flames, so I eventually handed him off to Peter Jennings and headed off after a Marine Captain I saw marching down the corridor. Like I always say, where there's Marines there's the President of the United States.

So I followed the Marine (Captain Harbison) and sure enough, he led me right to the President's office. I knocked to make sure everyone was decent, and then I barged on in. Sadly there was nothing funny going on. Just the Pres filling out some papers. I didn't get a good look, but one of 'em said something about China, and how the "God forsaken Reds deserved it, by God" or something like that. Didn't make any sense to me. The President looked pleased to see me, and we had a nice chat about my travel plans and the President's views on the First Ammendment. Then he called in a few of his Secret Service guys to make sure I found my way off the plane. Real nice guys. But none of 'em looked like Clint Eastwood. I asked them if they knew who killed Kennedy, and they just laughed and said, "Which one?"

Anyway, thanks to the G-Men I made it off the plane without seeing Wolf Blitzer again, or anyone for that matter. They put me in a burlap bag and dragged me the length of the 747 and threw me out the hatch. I guess they wanted to make people think I was just a sack of garbage so I wouldn't be recognized and swarmed by photographers and groupies. Good thing too. I hate the trappings of fame. So I hopped back in the Toyota and headed off. I hope they don't count those pens that have the presidential seal printed on them.

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FBI continues Investigation into TrenchCoat Mafia

Ness To Head Task Force

by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye> (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 21-May-99 15:37:26 EST:
(Washington, DC) FBI Special Agent J. Kruell Ness, has been named to head the TrenchCoat Mafia Task Force.

Said Ness, "We have been tracking the activities of the TrenchCoat Mafia for awhile now. Besides the Littleton School Slaughter, we have linked them to the downing of Swissair Flight 111 by aiming a laser pointer at the pilot, derailing a Chicago AmTrack train by strategically positioning a penny on the track, and for the St. Valentines Day Massacre of 5 Chicago Bear's Cheerleaders who turned Mafia members down for dates."

SuBBrilliant News has also learned that Andrew Cunanan was a soldier for the TrenchCoat Mafia, and may have been acting on orders when he murdered Don Gianni Versace, Godfather of Miami's Fashion Designer Crime Family, after he announced that trench coats were no longer en vogue.

Ness has sworn to extinguish the TrenchCoat Mafia, (TCM - not to be confused with Turner Classic Movies) by randomly raiding Video Arcades, Roller Rinks, Beanie Baby conventions and KMFDM fan clubs. He has also vowed to trace all violent "R" Rated movies being rented to minors in his quest to "crush these pubescent pimpled punks before their violence gets out of hand."

Still unknown is the identity of the TCM's Godfather. Some have accused Islamic terrorist Abi Dull Bin Laden of being the organization's mastermind, but Ness claims Laden is too old and "out of touch with the younger generation of terrorists." Inside sources believe it is someone well connected in the entertainment industry; Macaulay Culkin, whose career has decayed since he hit puberty and lost roles to "darling little jocks who are now favored over me by the movie going masses", has yet to be eliminated as a suspect.

Ness believes that the TCM is communicating with members via coded messages sent through Christian based web sites on the Internet, such as the Aryan Nation and the National Rifle Association.

Sightings of trench coat clad teens with Internet access and household bomb making materials should be reported to the FBI Hotline, 1-800-TCMafia.

(c) 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Kashmir Check Please

And then Take Me to A Deli

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 00:58:26 EST:

So I was headed for India, cause I was kind of hungry, but not hungry enough for a large meal. I guess I took the wrong exit or something, because I ended up in some place called Jammu. I started asking around for directions to India, and most people kind of looked at me blankly, stared at the chrome on the Toyota and jabberred at me in some kind of fucked up language. What the hell is it with this world? Doesn't anybody speak English anymore? Finally I ran into one guy who spoke English. He must have been important or something, because he had about six hundred armed body guards. I told him I was trying to get to India, and he got real excited and started going on and on about sweaters. I didn't press the issue. I was getting pretty hungry, and this guy, obsessed with fashion as he might have been, was nonetheless my hottest prospect for getting directions to India. I guess I could have eaten where I was, but I wanted to do some gambling after lunch, so I decided to wait until I got to India. Finally he asked me if I wanted to go to the deli, thank Jesus. I told him yes, thank you, and we were on our way.

So we started wandering around in these mountains. I told him I thought India was flatter with a lot more grass, but he assured me that this was the fastest way to get there. Then out of nowhere these airplanes started bombing the hell out of the road. My new friend led us to some caves, but then the helicoptors showed up and started shooting everybody. Then mortar shells started falling and I decided that it was time to go. Luckily all of the bullets and bombs missed the Toyota. I guess the new paint job makes pretty good camoflauge. Anyway I made it out of the cave, and headed out of the mountains. My fruity friend had told me that the deli was east of the mountains, so I headed that way. The day was getting shorter, and I was getting hungrier.

On my way down from the mountains, I came across a sign advertising a Led Zeppelin concert sponsored by the United Nations of all people. It sounded like a whole lotta fun, but the arrow pointed up into the mountains, and I really didn't want to go back there so I kept moving. I just hoped that John Paul Jones didn't get bombed. I guess they'd have to break up if that happened. He's really the heart and soul of that band. Eventually I ran into a bunch of guys in blue helmets standing in the middle of the road holding big sticks. Remembering the treatment they gave me in Herzegovenia, I approached them warily, but they didn't seem to recognize me. I asked them for directions to the deli that Sweater Man had told me about, and they got all excited. What is it with these fucking people? At least they spoke English, but they didn't look anything like the Indians in the movies. I bet John Wayne could still kick their asses though. They said they would take me to the Palace and I told them I didn't care which deli we went to, as long as they had succotash and those yummy corn cakes.

Stay tuned.

Next Week: Rusputin meets the Dalai Llama!

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Lucas To Break New Barriers in Episode II

PLans to Use Advances He Calls "Acting" and "Plot"

by Mark Mauer (Mauer@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 00:53:16 EST:
HOLLYWOOD - Just days after the release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, writer-director George Lucas is already looking to the future.

"The technology just wasn't available while making Episode I to include as many of the plot points as I wanted," said the perfectionist Lucas.

"As it stands right now there are some basic outlines of a story, but really all of the dialogue and plot is just a weak framework for the explosions," Lucas explained. What Lucas intends to do is use advances in story-telling technology to put plot and - maybe - even some acting into the movie for future generations to enjoy.

"Everyone tells me it's not necessary," Lucas said. "Maybe I am going way overboard caring so much about the plot when it's already a really loud movie, but to be honest, I wrote the thing and I'm not even sure what it's about. Something about taxation and trade. I don't know, I just ripped off something from the Boston Tea Party from junior high history class and threw it together.

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NATO's Latest Hits Rocky Waters

Release Date May Be Delayed

by Christian Fletcher (CFletcher2@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 00:50:20 EST:
BRUSSELS - NATO has been working on it's latest project (Operation Allied Force, Yugoslavia) for just over two months, and already the group is showing signs of stress. NATO, comprised of members from around the world, claims a steady stream of accomplishments over the years, but Allied Force is their most ambitious project to date. This highly anticipated collaborative effort has captured more world attention than even UN's 1991 release, Desert Storm, but many are beginning to wonder if the finished product will live up to expectations or even if it will be finished at all.

Critics are focusing on the rumors of an apparent rift growing between NATO's top two creative forces, the UK and the US, but UK Foreign Secretary Robin Cook claims, "There are no closer allies within the alliance than Britain and the United States."

Many remain skeptical. After over sixty days, NATO appears no closer to completing Allied Force. NATO members are still optimistic. "As we enter the third month ... many will say it has taken too long." said Mr Isa Zymberi, "That is true ... [however] nothing can be 100% perfect."

It is possible that the hype surrounding Allied Force could be backfiring causing NATO to rethink their approach. Rumours abound that a planned ending tested badly with focus groups. A source close to the group has revealed that the Supreme Allied Commander Europe (SACEUR) Gen. Wesley K.Clark is working them around the clock, saying "He would like capabilities to allow him to continue intensive 24 hours operations." SACEUR himself would not comment on this rumor, claiming that the project is "a very well planned and organized operation. It was very well rehearsed before it began. It is the culmination of a long period of planning."

Still, whether Allied Force is destined for greatness, or doomed to failure remains to be seen. And fans and critics alike are waiting expectantly for the completion of what promises to be the most controversial effort this decade.

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Juvenile Violence Bill Causes Ruckus

Congress Put in "Time Out"

by Lurkette w/Pilot X (lurkette@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 00:40:43 EST:
WASHINGTON. Partisan bickering over a proposed juvenile violence bill erupted into threats and ended with 7 Senators being taken to Capitol City Hospital's emergency room.

Senator Orrin Hatch, (R Utah), began the fray by accusing Democrats of plotting to ruin the two years of work he had done on the proposed bill which deals with gun and alcohol possession, and juvenile violence.

Hatch threatened, "I'm reaching that point, I tell you. I'm not there yet, but I'm going to get there. I'll make every doggone one of 'em pay. I'm not kidding".

Democrats then accused Republicans of "acting like a bunch of assholes by trying to force the bill through.

According to aides, Sen. Paul Wellstone, (D Wisconsin), jumped from his seat, threw Senator Majority Leader Trent Lott, (R Miss), to the floor, and attemped to stuff a copy of the bill down Lott's throat, screaming, "How does it feel? You like that? Now you know how it feels".

Sen. Larry Craig ( R. ID), made an airplane out of the bill, scrawled "mick" on it, and aimed it at Senator Patrick Leahy and Edward Kennedy. Leahy responded by bloodying Craig's nose but Kennedy remained immobile, possibly because he "had just returned from a long lunch".

Taunts of "Beaner", "Blanket Ass" "Wop" and "Bug Eater", could be heard echoing through the building as the ruckus spilled onto the Senate steps.

Senator Phil Gramm (R Texas) began shrieking that Carole King was to blame for her song which goes "Smackwater Jack bought a shotgun , cause he was in the mood for a little confrontation". ..

"If she hadn't written that ('he couldn't take no more abuse so he shot down the congregation'), kids today would never have thought of shooting up the schools," said Gramm as he was hit in the head by a volley of spitballs from Senator Carol Mosley-Braun (D- Il)

Vice President Al Gore put a stop to the melee. Upon finding the mayhem in progress, Gore first awoke sleeping Senator Strom Thurmond, President Pro Tem of the Senate and was heard to say, "I thought I told you to keep an eye on them?"

All Senators were sent to their chambers without Martinis. The bill was eventually passed when the Senate tired of being in "Time Out."

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Poverty Ended

by Tyrone Dye (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 00:45:37 EST:
WASHINGTON In a bold legislative act guaranteed to elate most Americans, the United States Government has voted to present every citizen between the ages of 18 and 65 one million tax free dollars. Congress is predicting that it will stimulate our slumping economy and wipe out poverty in our lifetime.

The Census Bureau estimates the entire US population at 271,141,896 million, with 64% of them adults in the target age group. According to highly paid mathematicians employed by the US government, this equates to 173,601,372 citizens eligible to receive 1 million dollars each, at a total cost of $173 trillion, 601 billion, 372 million.

"The Anti-Poverty Bill is an investment in Americans. In one stroke we have abolished Medicaid, Social Security, and the Welfare System, which will now no longer need to be subsidized by taxpayer dollars," said President Clinton. "Eliminating these three programs alone will save the government almost the entire expense of giving away 173 trillion dollars."

Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan criticized the plan, referring to it as "Disney Economics".

A well renowned financial genius, Greenspan favored his own idea of a "National Pyramid", where every American sends 1 penny to the 1000 names above theirs on the list. "The payoff would exceed 1 million dollars each, cost every American only 10 dollars, and while government sponsored, it would be privately funded." But Congress rejected the National Pyramid Scheme as being "too complicated for the average American."

For those who are ineligible for the dividend, and to keep many new millionaires from an early retirement and a life of slothfulness, the second phase of the Anti-Poverty Bill will see an increase in the minimum wage from $5.65 per hour to $39.65 per hour.

As an added economic boost, all workers earning the higher wage will be paying more to Uncle Sam in taxes, further filling the country's coffers.

With many new investors on the horizon, the Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped a record 6,213 points, closing at 16,412, while the McDonald's Big Mac Inflation Index increased from 69 cents to $7.99.

(c) 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Campbell's Announces Year-end Soup

Y2K Noodles Expected to Be Big Hit

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 29-May-99 01:01:29 EST:
CAMDEN, N.J. - Campbell Soup is planning to release a "Y2K" soup to celebrate the coming of the millenium, said high-ranking executive Chip McDonald. Campbell's hopes to capitalize on the success of its alphabet soup which contains small letters made of pasta. The soup will contain nothing but Y's, 2's, and K's.

"We're hoping people who are stocking up on canned food in anticipation of the millenium will choose our Y2K soup," McDonald said. Campbell's also announced that it will release a soup filled with pasta replicas of the symbol (pronounced "Viktor") the artist formerly known as Prince changed him name to a few years ago.

Prince, whose song "1999" is expected to be played countless times at New Year's Eve parties across the country this year, could not be reached for comment.

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