Most images have been removed to prevent itching and burning.
SAN DIEGO--The debate over animal rights flared up again on Friday when animal rights protestors threw red paint on several mammals at the San Diego zoo.
According to Jennifer Richardson, of the Los Angeles-based Citizens Against Fur, "It's not enough to punish the end-users. We wanted to attack this problem right at the source."
With the popularity of fur being limited primarily to wealthy geriatrics, many of whom will be dead within a few years anyway, fur protestors have been forced to widen the scope of their efforts.
According to Brent Dorset, a two-year veteran of the zoo-keeping industry, "First they came with their signs, picketing. Then when that didn't get any response, they came back with the paint. They started with the leopards, then moved on to the monkey cages, which made no sense whatsoever."
The protestors were apprehended a few blocks from the zoo and were taken into custody after they were found to have in their possession empty spray paint cans, cotton candy, and Friends of the San Diego Zoo lapel pins.
"Few fur-bearing creatures were spared," said San Diego police officer Mark Segrest. "The damage was especially evident on the ones who lack an inherent ability to scurry."
When questioned further about her motives, Richardson responded, "Fur is dead!"
An angry marmot named Lola was quoted as saying, "I resent that."
LOS ANGELES - Calista Flockhart, star of FOX TV's "Ally McBeal," is continuing her fruitless attempts to convince the public she is not anorexic.
"Some people are just built without skin," the skeletal television star told NBC's "Dateline."
The exclusive interview with Jane Pauley took place at Big Bob's Smorgasbord and airs Wednesday at 14:00 GMT on US Network NBC.
The obviously at-least-bulimic actress spoke out against media stereotyping in the interview.
"It's like mashed potatoes," she said, loading up her plate with several scoops atop her chicken fried steak. "You pile them up and eat them and eat them and man, I love food. what was the question?"
Pauley also asked the emaciated Flockhart about performing with Kevin Kline in the film version of A Midsummer Night's Dream, directed by Michael (Soapdish) Hoffman.
"Hey look at this Hostes Twinkie!" the scrawny Flockhart replied. "I love it! Mmmmmmm! See, I'm eating."
In a statement, the gaunt Ms. Flockhart's personal manager Carey Struthers denied reports that the too-skinny actress called off the interview when she became frustrated that too few questions were about her eating habits.
"She merely had to use the restroom for a brief moment," Struthers said. "Probably sneaking another one of those Nestle Crunch Bars. Man, she loves those things."
"I just don't think people of lankiness should be discriminated against," the nastily bony Flockhart said. "I mean, Sarah Michelle Gellar has a job, even though she's a big fat tub of lard. Why discriminate against me for being slim-boned?"
AUSTIN, TEXAS - Litigants everywhere applauded the decision of a local Austin man to sue the McDonald's Company for $15 million dollars over an incident involving tepid coffee.
Jesse Hilbert claims that McDonald's knowingly served him coffee that was purposefully not-scalding hot. As Hilbert exited the drive-thru, he spilled the coffee in his lap and was unable to sustain even mild third-degree burns, therefore rendering him unable to sue the large, deep-pocketed hamburger company.
Cockles raised and crotch still wet, Hilbert announced his decision in an impromptu press conference Tuesday. "My civil rights have been violated. If that coffee had been hotter, I would have burned myself, and then I'd be rich now. Of course, I'd also be covered in red blisters that would render me unable to wear pants, but I believe that's my right as an American.
"I can't afford to have my right to be litigious taken away from me," he continued. "I have a wife and family to support,"
Many consider it a patriotic issue. "If there's one thing America stands for, it's opportunity," said ACLU spokesperson Pat Wilson. "I think it's time to send a message to large corporations."
Hilbert plans to continue ordering coffee at McDonald's despite the incident.
BELGRADE - Sources close to SBN revealed today that the wanton destruction and ethnic cleansing in Yugoslavia is all the work of mysterious beings from outer space.
Journalists have managed to capture two photographic images of these beings and their menacing space craft. In one photo, the space beings are using a strange ray to destroy a small town in Serbia, and the other image clearly shows a much smaller craft using a focused beam to control the mind of Serbian General Nebojsa Pavkovic. Whether the General's madness is a result of this mind control has yet to be determined.
What officials are certain of is that these beings have been manipulating world events in order to orchestrate a military conflict in Eastern Europe. Exactly why they would seek to do this is unclear, but they have up to this point succeeded. NATO warplanes had been decimating Serbian military installations for over seventy days in the belief that the Serbians were executing a campaign of ethnic cleansing against their Albanian neighbors. In fact, the horrible slaughter of innocent civilians was the work of creatures from outer space, as was the destruction of several civilian installations in and around Belgrade, including the Chinese Embassy building, for which NATO has been blamed.
Leaders from around the world are now meeting to discuss these revelations and will hopefully devise some plan to stop this destructive menace. The world's top scientists have been called in to examine the photographs, as well as what is rumored to be pieces of one of the actual alien space craft, which is believed to have crash landed in Kosovo.
WASHINGTON - In an unprecedented show of bureaucratic muscle, an interoffice memo has filed suit against a budget report because the issuance of one, restricted the distribution of the other.
Also named in the suit are all 'cc's', who's re:'s are all related to their re:'s. The body of the suit states that the body of the report was derivative of the summaries included in the interoffice memo. The result being a closing which opens one and closes the other. The attorney for the interoffice memo has issued the statement that outlines the budget report, summarizing the memo, which discloses the position and advantage of the memo and makes the report unreadable, 'by their definition'.
Copies of the lawsuit, the memo, the report and the included summaries can be obtained by filing request with the office of the department of such requests. A final report on the matter will be written in conclusion of a review of the facts included in the reports, memos, filings, and summaries.
AUSTIN - Texas Governor George W. Bush announced today that he still has not made up his mind whether he is or is not the son of former president George Bush.
"We certainly look alike," Bush said, speaking to reporters outside of the Texas state capital building. "But this is not the kind of decision you take lightly."
Leaders of the conservative wing of the Republican party, led by Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, have been pushing Bush to make a statement either way. But Bush refuses to "rush to judgment."
"I know that how this decision turns out is going to affect my family in many unpleasant ways," Bush said, "and I just don¹t know if I'm up to it."
Despite Bush's reluctance to declare one way or the other, major media sources have already declared him the favorite son. A New York Times/ABC News poll released today found that in an imaginary match-up between the governor and the former president, 67% of undeclared voters say George W. Bush is "probably" or "definitely" somehow related.
Still, Bush says he has no immediate plans to declare, and has yet to decide on a date to make an announcement, or whether there will even be an announcement, or indeed what he would have for dinner on the supposed day that he might make such an announcement, if he in fact decided to make one, which he hasn't.
PINE RIDGE, Kentucky - In a state where unplanned pregnancies outnumber available meat supplies; mother-invention comes into play.
Sabina Hubely was an unwed mother of five last year when she got pregnant again by her common-law ex-husband, Richard Schlumpf. "I couldn't add nothing else to my meatloaf to stretch it out. I didn't know I was knocked-up again, you see. I lost the baby and kind of found it in my tub. Anyway, I `member how my cat, Tinker-Nuts, went and ate a couple of her litter last month, and I Got to thinkin'."
What Sabina did next was less 'thinking' and more 'thought'; she had two boxes of Tuna-Helper and a Boboli crust and by the time she was done she had filled her Meat-Freezer with enough hardy eatin' to last the winter.
The meals' father, Mr. Schlumpf explains, "Now, I ain't stupid, but I farm. What that means is that I know, if you wait a few months, something else will grow. Then I think: 'Wow, Sabina is just like a fertile field filled with dirt. We can grow another harvest of delicious meat meals by the beginnin' of the Fall TV Preview Season.'
With that, they did. The debate in the local mountain communities was abuzz when the Hubely-Schlumpfs invited their church group over for Easter Dinner. The question was not as to taste, everyone agreed that it was better than Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. The group was bitterly split as to whether they were eating human life, or just a bunch of cells.
BELGRADE - Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic today made a bold but apparently erroneous declaration of, "marital law throughout the land."
United States Deputy Secretary of State Strobe Talbot, in Belgrade for peace talks that were abruptly halted due to Milosevic's declaration, noticed immediate changes across the country. Hundreds of single ethnic Albanians have been set up on dates with hundreds of other Albanians, which the new rulers of the country termed, "perfect for each other."
"We're just so happy together, my husband and I," said Alyanna Helsennic, a 34-year-old married woman from the mountainous area on the outskirts of Kosovo and hence ruler of the entire land. "It's really a shame that our single friends are always galavanting around, sowing their wild oats and whatnot, and can't see the happiness that comes with settling down," Helsennic said. "Of course, now we can force them to."
Even non-Yugoslavian residents are feeling the effects, says Martin Henderson, US envoy in the Balkans, who often attended diplomatic events with his girlfriend of three years. "I thought it was bad enough when every time we went to a party, all our married friends were always asking when we're gonna get married. But now they've ordered our wedding for tomorrow."
In a press release, Milosevic has said that the declaration was merely a clerical error and that all would be straightened out in a few days. "We regret the error," he said, "and hope to resume pizza talks immediately."
Proceeds will go to the Pope's Campaign Against Indecency, which Sunsweet is proud of promoting.
A Sunsweet spokeswoman said, "His Holiness can't lie. He eats prunes. He loves prunes, and Jesus loves us when we do as Pope John Paul II does."
Talks are in motion about merchandising calendars, novias, candles, and religious prune medals.
Look for the new blessed prunes in Easter of 2000.
Area 50 which opened in the mid-1940's, was considered the state of the art in secret research at the time. But it's primacy didn't last long after the opening of the now famous Area 51 right up the road.
Residents fear that if Area 50 closes, secret personnell may be thrown out on the streets with nowhere to go, no money and no identity.
"Sure, Area 51, gets all the hype. But according to my sources, Area 50 has done some fantastic research," said Miles Hopkins, leader of the oppoition to the Area closure. "If it hadn't been for them, we would never have developed non-burning sun-ray propulsion and Area 51's great flight program would have died before it started."
Federal Sources denied not only that the Area would be closed, but that there ever was an Area 50.
"we have no knowledge of any such operation," said Department of Defence spokesperson Mary Hanaway. "Nor do we have any knowledge of a pension being set up for non-existent people who would be thropwn out of work by the closure of this so-called base. We certainbly are unaware of any concerted efforts to re-train these non-people and get them back into any alleged intelligence workforce."
The head of the secret government denied he will personally appear for the closing of Area 50.
LOS ANGELES - Alannis Morissette, the youthful, angry pop star who virtually redefined the meaning of irony to an entire generation, has now added one more irony to her long, ironic life: the decline of her popularity as a musician.
Ever since the lackluster performance of her non-Grammy winning album, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, the former teen has found irony lurking around ever corner.
"Jagged Little Pill just flew off the shelves-literally," said Morissette. "But those days are over. It's really ironic. Kind of like when your dog dies, or your soup is cold, or your shoe's untied-I could name a million of 'em."
"You want to hear something really ironic?" the embittered girl-rocker continued. "The other day I went to the store and they were out of peanut butter. I just wept. I said, 'Why, Lord?'"
"You know that thing Andy Warhol said about fifteen minutes of fame?" Morissette asked. "I think that's, like, a really powerful metaphor. Or something like that."
ST. KITTS, Virgin Islands - It's not everyday that you go on vacation in search of good snorkeling, and return with the archeological find of the century; but that's just what Mike and Molly Webgot did.
Mr. Webgot described the day. "I was coming up with what I thought was a net of coral and such. After filtering through the shells, I found a miniature living room set, remnants of a tiny volleyball net and badmitten set, and even more remarkably, the microscopic remains of a tiny make-up kit."
Thinking the pieces would look good in his aquarium at home, he soon forgot about them. Later, he was reading a MAD Magazine and saw an ad. A family of Sea Monkeys engaged in all the activities depicted in the sea-bed remnants he'd brought back from his vacation snorkel.
The editors of Mad paid experts who confirmed the find and launched a journey to uncover the rest of the Lost City of The Sea Monkeys. A spokesman for Expedition, called Project Brine Find, Captain Merry Diangelo appeared excited at the launching's press conference at the beginning of the month.
"The possibilities are endless. We will find out once and for all who the Sea Monkeys were, their lifestyle, cultural evolution: I mean, we know they play volleyball and marry but what else did they do?!"
The results of the trip can be seen on a Discovery Channel Special in October of 1999.
WASHINGTON - President Clinton announced today that he has formed an exploratory committee to discover whether there is support in this country for him to become ex-president.
In a special ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, Clinton, together with his wife Hillary, said that there was a grass-roots calling that he could not ignore. "We are at a crucial time in our nation's history," Clinton said, "and if the American people want me to do something, well, who am I to go against their will?"
Political consultant James Carville, who has been tapped to head up the exploratory committee, stressed that no decisions have been made either way. "This here's just a way to put feelers out there among the American people, especially in Iowa and New Hampshire, just to see if the support is there," Carville said. "If we don't get the kind of numbers and funds we need, Bill Clinton will just forget about it and remain president."
But, if he does declare his intentions to be ex-president, says Carville, it's a race Clinton intends to win. "People in Arkansas are already calling him the Come Back Kid," Carville said.
And there are hints that Clinton may already be leaning that way, if his comments at today's press conference are any indication.
"My name is Bill Clinton and I want to be your ex-president," he said to a round of sustained applause. "Just remember me as the Man Heading Back To Hope."
Professor Hinmann Trilogy of the University of Oxford, found the diary in a library storage room. Unlike the fated Hitler Diary forgeries published by Stern! Magazine almost a decade ago, the Darwin Diary has passed every time-stamping test. A careful analysis of handwriting also confirms that indeed the acknowledged revolutionary scientist penned the book.
The first half of the 223 page document is an apology for hoaxes he perpetrated by declaring evolution as the true origin of man and all living creatures. The rest of the diary explains how Satan appeared to him during his research at The Galapagos Islands.
A deal was struck and Darwin's historical importance would be guaranteed in return for the Prince of Darkness's ultimate pleasure.
‘Then he sat beside me, fondling what appeared to be an oyster. He said in a low voice, "I know something you do not know." When he explained his knowledge I could barely stand. But for a full ten minutes did I fully believe him. Then the Devil began to laugh and shat where he rolled. My frustration grew and kicked sand onto the bonfire that he created. Then he interrupted my rage; "...it could be true, though. It seems to follow logic does it not, Charles? Would your name register in the firmaments along with the planets if you state this theory to the scientific world? You know, don't you?..."
A committee of scientists and expert authorities continue to examine and test the diary for any signs of fraud or deception without success. Hinmann and the rest of the scientific world are horrified.
"The hope still remains that Darwin was drunk when he made these diary entries. We cannot find any evidence to contradict what science has known for all these years, even though it does seem really crazy that I could be ancestor to a mud-crawling scrod." Look for the committee's findings in the Fall of 2000 online at www.darwindiary.com.
HOBOKEN - A 38 year old housewife and mother of two, Margie Kozebo has achieved the impossible. After a long and ferocious argument with her husband, Bill Kozebo, Margie spontaneously fermented. Paramedics called to the scene were helpless to do anything but split the New Jersey Housewife.
Richard Allen of the Skeptical Inquirer Society and publication of the same name, responded to the news with an odd sense of belief.
"We've been debunking alleged phenomenon like Spontaneous Combustion and psycho-kinetic powers and super-human strength. But frankly we have no proof that this isn't possible. Being a man, I'm experienced with the intense hatred a man can direct at his wife in the heat of the moment. Combine this energy with the prime directive of wifery, 'to serve the husband'; and you may have a physical event that results in a can of premium lager."
The distraught husband took comfort the only way he knew how.
"I savored every drop; I even frosted a mug. It was the nicest thing she ever did for me. She was damn smooth. I'll cherish the only thing I have left of her: a long-neck bottle. I'm only surprised she didn't turn into a pizza too-that was her way."
NEW YORK - In a move that shocked the apparel industry, Members Only announced plans Thursday to allow non-members to purchase their clothing. The exclusive jacket manufacturer rose to prominence in the eighties, boasting a membership that included such mega-stars as Corey Feldman.
A long-standing symbol of the "hip," or the elite, the jacket's exclusivity was heightened by "those cool little snaps on the shoulders," according to one industry insider.
And until now, many people could only dream of owning the chic outerwear.
But with time comes change, and the conglomerate has had to bow to public pressure after a letter-writing campaign by a small but determined group of the clothes-wearing community.
"I was never able to buy one before," said Fred Huddleston, a non-member. "I feel really lucky that barriers are being broken down and doors are being opened to me," he added, pushing up his sleeves and flipping up his collar.
While the reaction has been mostly positive, the movement has caused a stir within the ranks of Members Only top brass: "Whine, whine, whine," said Vice President of Consumer Relations Scott Echols. "This is nothing but out-of-control political correctness and liberal feel-goodism. I guess it's no longer 'cool' to tell someone 'you don't belong.' I hate the nineties."
WASHINGTON - National Public Radio's afternoon news program "All Things Considered" was in an uproar this afternoon when a report by the non-profit group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting revealed the show did not, in fact, consider everything.
The report, quoting unnamed sources at the radio show's Washington headquarters, stated that "entire broadcast days have gone by when only the smallest portion of the day's events were even noted, much less considered."
James Hardwig, a spokesman for the show, declined to comment, putting his hands over his ears and loudly humming the "All Things Considered" theme song in a variety of musical styles. "We'll consider commenting, obviously," Hardwig said, "but I don't think we're going to."
The portion of the report that's causing the most commotion is the line-item breakdown of things considered on a recent broadcast day. According to the FAIR report, staffers on June 24 considered the House's passage of a flag-burning amendment, the return of refugees to Kosovo, and even who it was that wrote the catchy theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies." But, the report says, no one considered the effect of Hillary Clinton's Senate run on the legacy of New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.
"It totally escaped us," said Linda Wertheimer, one of the few NPR reporters to speak openly about the report. "I thought we'd considered just about everything about Hillary's possible run: what the president thinks, whether Chelsea would campaign, how it would affect the ongoing peace talks with the Haitian guerillas. But Guiliani's legacy? Never crossed my mind. Duh."
Other reporters bristled when asked about the controversy. "Hey, we did a whole ten minutes on some old broad who plays lotto every day," said NPR's Mara Liasson. "You think Howard Stern considers the effect of state-sponsored gambling on sixty-four-year-olds in Artell, Nevada? I mean, we think about a lot of stuff here. Mara Liasson, NPR News, Washington."
Some reporters even contended that while all things are indeed considered, not all things are considered for long enough to be noticed by an outside group. "Look," said NPR's Noah Adams, "we're 'All Things Considered,' not 'All Things Considered Equally.'"
WASHINGTON - After reviewing last weeks story about the closure of Area 50, SuBBrilliant News received a tip from Engleneck News regarding similar unheralded plights.
"Thanks for bringing the plight of Area 50 residents into focus," wrote C. D. Cootie of Engleneck News. "If the same thing had been done for the folks in the Ivory House at 1200 Pennsylvania avenue or those hard working folks over at the Hexagon there would have been a lot less suffering."
In response, SuBBrilliant Editor Ace Dtect has set up a fund for aid of unwanted government projects. Make inquiries at firstname.lastname@example.org The money will go to protect and preserve the above projects as well as Fort Knocks, The Central Intelligibility Agency, The Lincoln, Nebraska Memorial, The US Carpet-all and Al Gore.