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WILMINGTON- In an effort to have a larger impact on presidential politics, Delaware state officials have adopted a measure moving their primary elections from March 23, 2004 to sometime early next week.
"For years, Iowa and New Hampshire have been setting the national agenda," said Delaware state senator Harlen Ehrenstein (D), the major proponent of the bill. "And we all know how that turned out. I mean, there's no way that Clinton hillbilly would have been a frontrunner if Delaware was the first primary state, I assure you."
The measure had broad support across party lines. Even state representative Carol Dougherty, a Republican, voted for the bill. "I think it's kind of convenient having the races decided months and months ahead of the election," Dougherty said. "For example, now that we know the 2000 race is definitely between Gore and Bush, we can concentrate on important issues, like making sure nobody burns flags."
Critics of the measure point out that with such a tight timetable, few candidates will actually be able to campaign before the primaries. Indeed, a WBLP-Delaware Eyewitness News poll has found an early frontrunner in Albert Higgins, a Delaware firefighter who wrestles professionally under the name Albert "The Dream" Higgins.
"Mark my words," said Ehrenstein, speaking at a Falmore, Delaware coffee shop called "Coffee Shop" as part of a Higgins fundraiser. "Albert Higgins is going to be the next president of the United States of America -- after this next one, of course."
WASHINGTON - Congress recently passed a measure that would allow schools to post David Letterman's nightly "Top 10" lists next to the Ten Commandments. Proponents of the move say it will help prevent future school shootings, like the recent ones in Littleton, Colo. and Conyers, Ga., by interjecting humor into the lives of teenagers.
"Teens take everything so seriously. They think life is so dire," said U.S. Rep. Harry Boldface (R-San Mateo). "This is will help them to see that, although there are universal rules that should govern our behaviour, there is also room for laughter."
This comes shortly after Congress voted to approve a bill that would allow schools to post the Ten Commandments. A decision about whether schools should show the movie "The Ten Commandments" starring Charlton Heston has not yet been made. While the movie has many positive messages, some opponents said the film's shlocky effects and overacting may make it seem funny to some youngsters.
"If kids realize that most of the things you worry about in high school are a complete joke, then they maybe they wouldn't resort to such drastic measures as shooting their classmates," Boldface said.
Letterman, a popular late-night talk show host, is known for taking shots at many prominent politicians and celebrities in his Top Ten lists but that didn't stop them from endorsing the lists.
"He can make fun of me all he wants. Just keep kids from killing each other," said Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy.
MALIBU - Ol' Blue Eyes may have died in 1998, but he's still kicking punk ass. Today a Malibu Civil Court heard the case of a Los Angeles Paparrazzi Photographer, Joseph Mungelli, 46. Mungelli is suing Mr. Sinatra for medical bills and pain-and-suffering compensation stemming from an incident at Desert Memorial Park in Cathedral City, California.
The photographer went to the cemetery to photograph Sinatra's grave for a magazine tribute. The following is excerpted from cour transcripts:
"MUNGELLI: I aimed my camera at the gravestone and suddenly I heard a voice as distinctive as it was clear. I heard Frank Sinatra's voice. He was yelling at me: ‘Hey, com'ere you punk, I'm gonna kick you in the fuckin' head! Put down the fucking camera! I'll blow your life away, baby! Chick! Take care of him!'
Out of nowhere, I get slammed in the head-POW! Like that! I had stitches and partial memory loss. I don't care who Frank Sinatra thinks he is; you can't go around punching people in the head just because you're dead!"
The trial is expected to last several days.
GLENDALE - Jeremy Taylor, 16, of Glendale, died yesterday from three stabbing wounds and 12 gunshots. Parents, Marjorie and Steve Taylor said they killed Jeremy because they were worried about his strange behaviour.
"He was listening to that awful music," said Mr. Taylor. "That Manson group or whatever."
"Hanson, dear," interjected Mrs. Taylor.
"Yeah, Hanson. Awful satanic stuff. And he was always on the internet," said Mr. Taylor.
"And lately, well," added Mrs. Taylor, "He wouldn't stop talking about how much he hated this one kid who pushed him around at school. And not only was the kid a star athlete but also a — a— negroe," Mrs. Taylor finished in a discrete whisper.
"We just had to do something before he went on some kind of killing spree and ruined our family name," said Mr. Taylor.
While Jeremy was surfing the internet, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor entered stealthily from behind. While Mrs. Taylor covered him with a 12 gauge shotgun, Mr. Taylor used Jeremy's 12 inch hunting knife to stab the teenager 3 times.
Seeing that he was still alive, Mrs. Taylor said she couldn't stand seeing her boy in pain and finished him off.
Memorials can be made to the Taylors via the VFW association.
ST. LOUIS - Stumping in crime ridden areas around St. Louis, Governor George W. Bush promised ro bring his success battling crime to bear on the nation.
"In Texas, 33% of the population is behind bars," said Bush. "But that's not all. The crime measures we've put in place in Texas will see to it that 98% of the population will be behind bars by 2010 and the crime rate outside prisons will be virtually non-existent."
Bush outlined how redefining crime and stiffening penalties, has done the trick.
Bush's proposals, if continued by his successors, would increase penalties consistently every quarter for those who make less than US$500,000 a year. Continued privatization of the prison system will insure no lack of services. In 2005 legislation is set to go into effect making it a crime to make less than US$30,000 a year.
"We have a pilot program in south Texas where almost the entire population of a small town is imprisoned," said Bush. "Yet the town is booming and has 2 5-star restaurants, an IMAX thatre and a private art museum."
Bush's popularity rating rose to 125% with some allegations of pollster stuffing.
LEEDS -Michael Hagstrom, longtime boyfriend of area resident Christina Nelson, was accused Monday of just not getting it during an argument involving housework in general and dishes in particular.
"We got in a fight and he was, like, 'Why are you mad?' and I was, like, 'Duh,'" said Nelson, a long-time supporter of the "Well if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" defense.
A jury of peers will be independently assembled to decide whether or not Hagstrom gets it, and will consist of the plaintiff's sister, her mother, several co-workers, the lady behind her in line at the bank and one convenience store clerk with some time to kill.
The issue has raised many questions about whether Hagstrom and others like him will be able to get it in the future and become a productive member of our couple-based society.
In a terse statement released Wednesday, one of Nelson's college roommates was quoted as saying, "Men."
Hollywood legend Tony Randall (79) and his wife, Heather Harlan (29) are expecting yet again! The couple shocked the entertainment world when they produced two children in 1996 and 1997 because of Randall's advanced age.
The prevailing fear was that the actor would be dead or incapacitated by the time his kids were attending high-school. Randall has taken a step further in parental love.
"With my first two kids, it was kind of selfish, I suppose. But I'm in great shape and plan to live at least to a hundred! I thought for our third child, I could make the ultimate statement of selfless parental sacrifice: carrying and delivering the baby myself! I can't wait to sing Broadway songs to the little fella while he's kicking around inside me. He'll be born knowing every song from "On The Town"!"
It's expected that Randall will deliver vaginally, but will utilize an epidural anesthetic. "First babies are the hardest." , said the couple's gynecologist, who requested anonymity. The new addition to the Randall family is expected in March of 2000.
SAN FRANCISCO - Texas Army troops began shelling the perimeter of the bay area today in conjunction with other movements across California. The Texas invasion is in response to the large number of Californians moving to Texas.
Washington, Oregon, Arizona and New Mexico, facing similar problems with invading Californians, have agreed to allow Texas military to use their air bases and ports.
"We can no longer allow this unprovoked aggression to go unpunished," said Texas Governor George W. Bush. "Starting today, all ethnic Californians will be re-patriated to their home state. We're also sending one guy from Illinois."
California regulars have held the Texans away from the major cities but have entirely lost the eastern half of the state. Governor Bush says the Texas Army will remain in California until all Californians have been returned and a new immigration agreement is signed.
WASHINGTON - The Federal Bureau of Investigations is launching an aggressive campaign to identify penny hoarders who officials believe are responsible for the nation's penny shortage.
The Federal Reserve has been working overtime in the past few weeks minting millions of new pennies to increase supplies of the copper coin. The FBI said the shortage could have been avoided if people stopped stashing them in bottles, piggy banks, and jars across the country.
"The hoarders keep them on tops of dressers, underneath their beds. I know people who just throw them away because they think they're worthless. They never stop to consider how much harm they're causing to the U.S. Mint," said Bob Feldman, the FBI's penny chief.
Feldman scoffed at suggestions that pennies be eliminated, instead of spending money to make new ones or tracking down and prosecuting penny hoarders.
"Don't be ridiculous. What would Abraham Lincoln think? I know he's still got the five dollar bill, but everybody knows that important presidents get their picture on paper and coin currency," he said.
Anybody caught hoarding pennies will be forced to wait in line at the 7-Eleven and pay for food items using all pennies while people behind them snicker and complain.
Female hoarders will be forced to bring a huge purse filled with junk to the grocery store. One penny will be placed at the bottom of the purse so that when the total comes to $37.01 and the cashier asks "Do you have a penny?" the shopper will have to scour the purse until the penny is found. Again, people waiting in line behind her will snicker and complain.
"I know these punishments seem harsh but this is a big problem," Feldman said.
SUNNYVALE - E-mail delivery slowed considerably yesterday due to a failure in a western backbone system operated by Express Technologies Limited.
The San Francisco internet development firm blamed an experimental technology in their rocky mountain branch for the failure.
"Noticing the severe lag in delivery as e-mail laboured up the high mountain passes of Colorado, we developed a revolutionary system using biological interface packet-switching and workhorse relay systems," said Express Technologies head Wilbur Corrigan at last week's press conference.
Under the strain of the bad press caused by the failure, Corrigan issued a statement admitting that the ‘workhorse relay systems' were actually ponies and the ‘biological interface packet-switching technologies' involved loading up the ponies with packets of e-mails and sending them through the mountains in a relay race.
Express Technologies authority to operate a backbone has been rescinded and most of the damage to the internet in that area has been repaired. Investors still made millions on Express Technologies stock.
NEW YORK - Friends and relatives gathered today to remember John F Kennedy Junior, his wife and his sister-in-law.
Dr Freedom Richard and his wife Nancy were among the first to arrive, about 90 minutes before the service began.
As Senator Edward Kennedy delivered the eulogy, Dr. Richard leaned over to his wife and asked, "Who?"
His wife tried to explain about George magazine and the plane crash but Dr. Richard only replied, "I thought they shot him back in 1963?"
"No John Jr., Honey. John-John," Mrs. Richard was overheard to say.
Rev Charles O'Byrne, who also presided over the ceremony, tried to explain who John Kennedy Jr. was but Dr. Richard apparently could not recall him.
Even after seeing several pictures, a few short TV appearances and an uncanny impression by Senator Kennedy, Dr. Richard swore he had never seen John F. Kennedy Jr. before.
"My wife always drags me to these things," said Dr. Richard. "Society is very important to her but I'm more of simple man. The kind who longs for the days of Jack Kennedy. Wonder whatever happened to his kids?"
SAN FRANCISCO - Economists warn that the bay area is in danger of a collapse if they don't pay attention to resources soon.
World renowned poet and editor Cindi Harrison has been living in the bay area for almost 2 months now allowing herself to be considered for jobs and nobody has hired her.
"If human resources departments are missing major advantages like hiring Cindi Harrison then who knows what lesser advantages they're passing on," said economics expert L. LeBleu.
Companies are being encouraged by national planners to hire Harrison soon and for a lot of money. master!
"It's the only way to save San Francisco from certain tragedy, the failure of the entire silicon valley and a disaster worse than any Y2K prediction," said LeBleu.
Harrison can be reached at email@example.com
BEIJING-China announced Thursday that it "...has always been able to pronounce the Anglo- Language sounds of ‘R' and ‘L' but were having too much fun watching the English speaking Industrialist Pigs make assholes out of themselves imitating us."
A secret report from Chinese double-agents was made public by a New York Congressman who wished to remain anonymous. For years, Asians speaking English have always appeared utterly tongue-tied with the verbal structure of our language; but the newly revealed document explains that Chinese children are taught to mock Capitalist English Speaking Nations from Kindergarten onward.
"We don't rike to make is any easioh on you peeple," said one spokesperson. " Chinese people rove theoh talking ah-mannah."
WASHINGTON-The media today condemned the media for media overkill during the media's coverage of what the media termed "The JFK Jr. Tragedy."
"This wall-to-wall coverage is ridiculous," said members of the media. "Clearly there are more important stories. Like whether the media has gone too far."
Several cable news channels will be devoting the next 24 hours of broadcast coverage to what they're calling "Circus 1999: The Tragedy Of The Coverage Of The JFK Jr. Tragedy."
But some journalists are calling this focus on the media coverage a simple case of media bias simultaneously by and against members of the media. "We need to pull together as respectable media and focus on what matters: media coverage of this event. Not media coverage of the media coverage," said a news anchor who wished to remain anonymous.
Unnamed media sources refused to comment on the irresponsible use of unnamed sources, according to one unnamed source.
In a related story, the cover of next week's People Magazine will feature a scathing expose on magazines that jump the gun by printing sensational yet unconfirmed cover stories based purely on speculation in a bid to sell more copies.
NEW YORK - Super thin TV Sitcom grand-dame, Mary Tyler Moore blew away yesterday, while walking in Central Park near her condominium.
Her husband, walking alongside, had not anchored her and couldn't catch her before a breeze swept her away.
Residents of Elizabeth, New Jersey reported the over-sixty-year-old health-nut actress, who weighs 23 pounds, dangling over a playground. No one has been able to catch her or pin her down.
An all out moratorium on leaf-blower, lawn-mover, and outdoor fans has been issued in the Tri-State area until the search for Ms. Moore is successful in bringing her home.
We're confident she's fine, she eats like a bird anyway. Eventually, she'll float downward and get stuck in a puddle or birdbath or fountain. We've got weather-experts, butterfly-catchers and bird-spotters on the case twenty-four hours a day.
WASHINGTON, DC - The Year 2000 will happen as planned beginning with January, said organizers of the National Millenium Committee.
February and March will follow, but a decision has not yet been made for April. Most months will have 31 days, except for April, June, September, and November which will have 30 and February which will have 29, organizers said.
"There was a lot of planning that went into the millenium," said committee chairman Joe Schmidt. "Sure, we didn't have responsibility for curing that nasty millenium bug but the Year 2000 is a big deal. There was a lot of work involved in the planning."
Organizers expect that weeks during the Year 2000 will begin with Sunday and end with Saturday as they have in the past. Organizers considered switching Tuesday and Wednesday but decided against the move, saying "Hump Day" would never be the same, Schmidt said.
Many have criticized the committee's work saying all they really did was copy the calendar from the previous year. Schmidt deflected the criticism, saying "All the coming years will begin with a "2" instead of a "1". Do you know how monumental a change that was to address?"
Others have questioned whether the millenium really exists, saying it was "just a trumped-up event popularized by the media."
"That's ridiculous. Just ask Strom Thurman, he was around for the last millenium," Schmidt said.
WASHINGTON - The US Surgeon General issued a statement today, warning that Suicide has been linked to death in many studies.
The controversial report already has many Hari Kari organizations and Death Cults up in arms.
"Where's the independent research?" said Yukio Oe, head of the International Hari Kari Consortium. "The Surgeon General's report uses government figures for suicides which are reported after death. Of course there will be a link when using flawed data like that."
The report warns that an inordinate amount of suicides end in death and calls for warning labels and an ad campaign informing people of the possible risks associated with suicide.
"Despite the reservations of many special interest groups, the Surgeon General's office believes these findings to be significant and worthy of large public funding to our office, read the report.
The Ad Council has already developed a campaign based upon the American Lung Association model. Labels are being issued which read, "WARNING: The Surgeon Generals office has determined that suicide may cause severe side effects and possible death."
TULSA-The Associated Press reported today that Alfred Milburn, owner of Milburn Fine Furnishings, has gone on vacation, and that manager Michael Harlington has gone crazy. "He's marking down prices and everything must go," said a source close to the store, who asked to remain anonymous.
According to assistant manager Harold Bernman, the difference between the regular retail price that Milburn charges when he's in town and the so-called "slashed" prices that Harlington has been charging is substantial. "This sofa and loveseat combination was $499.99," said Bernman. "Now it's only $288.88. That's insane!"
Harlington, who was institutionalized in 1993 for a similar incident, was nonetheless entrusted with the store while Milburn celebrated what he calls "Christmas in July" at his vacation home in Orlando, FL.
Initial reports that Harlington "flipped out" during the owner's absence were confirmed by Harlington himself. "I must be crazy to give prices like this on quality, name-brand furniture," Harlington said during a statement on Tulsa's KMOD-FM.
In his pre-recorded announcement, Harlington insisted that his temporary insanity was not to be construed as dangerous in any way and that in fact "all [he wants] to do is save you money."
Customers counting on a permanent reduction in retail prices will be sorely disappointed, according to Harlington. "Mr. Milburn will be back soon, and then all bets are off!" Harlington said, adding in a distinctly faster voice at the end of his recorded announcement that the "offer is good for a limited time."
PROVINCETOWN, Mass. - The National Association for Gay Recruitment announced Saturday that Christopher Harlan would receive top honors for his work convincing other men to become gay. Harlan achieved his personal goal and set a new record when he recruited his 1,000th man to homosexuality, a landmark few thought they would ever see from an individual.
"He's a very good looking man," NAGR spokesperson Bill Brenek said. "Between that and his national media campaign, he couldn't lose."
Harlan kicked off his campaign in 1993 with his now-classic poster, "We Want You (To Be Gay)."
And it was a button worn by Harlan-reading, "Be gay now, Ask me how!"-that originally caught the attention of Jason Reynolds, Harlan's 1,000th recuit.
"I'd always felt an involuntary physiological stirring when I saw a pretty woman, like at the beach or on TV," said Reynolds. "But while talking with Harlan, he explained to me the many logical reasons for being attracted to men.
"When it comes right down to it," he added, "who wouldn't want to be gay?"
Harlan is particularly proud of his work with Reynolds, not just because it was "such a big, round number," but because of the effort it represented. "Many people turn to homosexuality out of boredom. Some do it for the Pottery Barn discount card. Some guys just flip a coin, but I won Reynolds fair and square," said Harlan. "I think what really got him was the slide presentation."
"Born with it, schmorn with it," said Michael Sandoval, another of Harlan's recruits. "Not only is it a choice, it's a no-brainer!"
Harlan, who plans to take a week off before resuming his duties, is also known for his work writing articles three through seven of the Gay Agenda.