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SuBBrilliant News Archives- August 1999

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August 1999

King Publishes First Novel Since Accident

by Viki Reed (vreedom@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 06-Aug-99 19:07:17 EST:

Stephen King today announced the upcoming release of his first work since a crippling car accident in June of 1999.

The accident near King's vacation home in North Lovell has forced the author to undergo five operations to set the broken bones in his right leg and hip. He also suffered broken ribs, a punctured lung and a skull laceration in the accident.

The book, set for release 1 September by Harper, is a 400-page novel called "Nice Pretty Bunnies".

King moves around his home in a wheelchair under round-the-clock nursing supervision. Everyone thought the rehabilitation had put his writing on hold.

King, working in secret, surprised everyone with this new effort. His secretary, Julie Eugley commented that she was not aware of the author's new book.

"He knows that physical therapy is more important than writing. I can't imagine why he would interrupt his recovery to write."

Details on the new book are scarce but King's statement said that "Nice Pretty Bunnies" takes place in Castle Rock in a vegetable garden.

When contacted for comment, King said, "I have to go color now, bye," and hung up.

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Instant Messaging War Escalates

No Room For Actual User Talk

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 06-Aug-99 19:14:57 EST:

SEATTLE - The battle between AOL and Microsoft over instant messaging technology peaked today forcing user's conversations to the sidelines.

Microsoft Messaging Service uses a similar technology to AOL but AOL is claiming propriety and does not want a single compatible messaging system. Yesterday, AOL began sending messages to users of Microsft's system warning them that their software was illegal.

Today Microsoft began sending messages to AOL users that their software "sucked." AOL in turn began displaying messages on Microsoft machines that explained why people using Microsoft can't get dates. Not even the mothers of Microsoft users have escaped insult from AOL.

By this afternoon, insults such as, "Sez you," and "I'm rubber, you're glue," were flying so fast and furious that users of the two messaging systems could not get a word in edgewise.

US President Bill Clinton has asked US Attorney General Janet Reno to send the companies to their corporate headquarters without dividends.

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Zapruder Film Remade For $1 Million

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 06-Aug-99 19:03:36 EST:

HOLLYWOOD-In the wake of the Zapruder family's sale of movie footage of the Kennedy Assassination for $16 million, Troma Films, the creators of the cult classic films Teenage Catgirls In Heat and Naked Radioactive Swamp Chicks, announced today it would remake the film for the bargain price of $1 million.

"This was actually an idea we had years ago," said Troma president Jamie Pickering, "but now that we know there's a market, we've greenlighted this thing faster than you can say 'Swamp Thing.'"

The film, tentatively titled Attack Of The Teenaged Zombies From The Grassy Knoll, will star James Woods as President John F. Kennedy and several unknown big-busted women as "The Oswalds," or skimpily-dressed zombified strippers who take over the Texas Book Depository, according to early drafts of the script.

"The zombies are based on Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused killer in the actual Kennedy Assassination," Pickering said. "We wanted to be somewhat historically accurate, while still including the skimpily-dressed zombified strippers that our fans expect to see."

National Archives Executive Director Robert Gillette declined to speculate on whether the agency would be interested in purchasing the footage, which Troma promises will be just as shaky and hard-to-see as the original, but sources say the Smithsonian Institution has put out "feelers."

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Curious George Feeling Ambivalent

by Mariella Krause (mkrause@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 06-Aug-99 18:51:31 EST:

YELLOW HAT - Handlers for Curious George issued a statement Tuesday that America's favorite cartoon monkey has fallen into a slump of sorts.

"He's dull and listless," said Angela Otey, his trainer and personal assistant. "And while we all appreciate the well wishes people have sent, we're sad to report that the many cards and letters George has received remain unopened on a credenza by the front door. I asked him if he wanted me to read him a few and he just shrugged."

The problem was first detected when Otey casually mentioned a parade was passing by. George reportedly headed for the window, then changed his mind and just got himself a snack instead. And during the somber days of searching for JFK Jr.'s airplane, George was overheard saying, "I'm sure he's fine."

The Man in the Yellow Hat lists Curious George's condition as stable but un-curious. Always there to bail out his little friend, he has enlisted professional help to restore George's impish nature. The experimental therapy involves placing different potentially dangerous objects around his room, but so far the results have been mixed.

According to simian specialist Christian McLaughlin, "He'll pick up the ether, but we have yet to witness him actually sniffing it. We're puzzled. And we are still unable to determine why the cap gun holds no allure."

According to Otey, the path ahead is going to be a difficult one, "I came into his room today and I said, 'Guess what the Man in the Yellow Hat told me?' and he just stared at me. I couldn't even get him to go see 'The Blair Witch Project' with me."

Curious George, when asked about his outlook for recovery, had no comment, but did express a desire to simply be called Bob for now.

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Three More Film Students Presumed Dead

by Tim Bauer wit Mariella Krause (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 18:42:33 EST:

HOLLYWOOD-Columbia Pictures announced today that they too have found footage of film students lost in the woods and presumed dead, and that they will be releasing the "frighteningly real" footage as a film this fall.

"In October of 1998, three film students went into the woods to do a documentary about vampires or werewolves or something really scary," said Columbia spokesman Aubrey Bellman. "They were never found. But their footage was discovered by somebody who for some unknown reason was digging underneath an old house that for some unknown reason was out in the middle of the woods. Creepy, huh?"

Early reports are that the film-consisting mainly of out-of-focus shots of the ground for several minutes at a time, combined with hard-to-make-out noises Bellman claims are "definitely the vampire-werewolf-like thingy"-traumatizes almost anyone who watches it.

"Oh, it's a real spookout," said Bellman. "And the great thing about this footage is, ours is in color. That's the one good thing about this terrible tragedy-they died in 1998, when digital footage was of a higher quality."

"And luckily," he continued, "our film students used a tripod, so there's none of that annoying shaky-cam effect."

According to sources inside the studio, Columbia is counting on the film to do well. "Oh, yeah, we're so confident about this film, we've already greenlighted a sequel" said Bellman. "I mean, you know, assuming more footage somehow turns up somewhere."

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Bush Selects Chicago Mayor Daley As Running Mate

by Koffwood (koffwood@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 18:55:26 EST:

CHICAGO - Texas Governor George W. Bush, today announced that Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley would be his running mate for the 2000 Republican Presidential ticket.

The two men, offspring of famous politicians, made the announcement at a welfare-to-work center on Chicago's West side.

"The Bush-Daley ticket believes in Accountability, Responsibility, and, I know this sounds old fashioned, but Moralibility. We call it ARM," said Daley.

"We chose this site," said Bush, "because we think it's important for all Americans to earn -- through their own hard work and no one else's -- a proper standing in our great land. Too many Americans have had everything handed to them."

The joining of the biggest name in Republican politics with one of the Democrats' first families shocked many observers.

"I have no idea how they'll reconcile 'compassionate conservatism' with Daley's brand of New Democratism. This is by far the most combustible situation in the history of world politics," said CNBC political analyst Chris Matthews.

Republican pollster Robert Teeter said the move could prove ingenious. "For some reason Americans like the idea of two underachieving kids of famous fathers talking about how America needs to pull itself up by its bootstraps. Irony is not lost on the American people. Bush was a coke-head and Daley flunked the bar exam umpteen times. People love it."

Bush said his first priority in office would be to keep Commerce Secretary William Daley and promote Florida Governor Jeb Bush into his Cabinet. "I think with me, Rich, Bill, and Jeb, we can show the American people that life is not about handouts. It's about working hard and knowing the satisfaction of personal achievement."

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Secret World Government To Abandon Handshakes

by Ace Dtect (acedtect@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 18:49:06 EST:

COPENHAGEN - The technological revolution finally caught up with the world's secret government this week. Despite concerns by traditionalists, the secret world conspiracy will abandon secret handshakes in favour of Infrared Automatic Detection Devices (IADD).

These IADD devices utilize the secret World Wireless Network (WWN) which will remain hidden from the public until 12 November, 2002. The WWN revolutionized the secret world government in 1973 when it replaced the World Wide Web, which the secret government had originally invented in 1964.

Traditionalists within the secret world government, speaking on condition of anonymity, told SBN that many will continue to use the old secret handshake.

"It's more respectable," said Secret World Finance Minister, John Smith. "Not only is it a centuries long tradition, but it's impossible to fake. When one gets a real feel for the handshake, one can tell within the first 3 manipulations if you're dealing with an actual member or not."

But most of the government is enthused about the prospect. IADD provides instant notification of member veracity via a retinal implant which displays vital stats if requested. It also uses a cornea motivated browsing system and is set for release to the public in 2025.

"All in all it won't change anything," said secret world government media secretary, Jane Roe. "As there is no secret world government and never has been. Please disperse. This never happened."

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National Geographic Announces New Competitiveness Strategy

by Viki Reed (vreedom@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 18:29:05 EST:

NEW YORK - In an effort to increase sales, National Geographic announced a new annual issue called, National Geographic's "Topless African Women" Issue.

Nabbing the cover is said to be as prestigious as gracing the Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

The tribeswoman whoinaugurates the special publication will be paid in bags of rice and a gift certificate to any Goodwill Store in the world.

Each annual will feature a special locale and theme; The premiere issue theme will be "Cleaning Speared Fish".

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Woman Bored To Death

by Mariella Krause (mkrause@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 19:25:58 EST:

LOS ANGELES - Tragedy struck Thursday as local resident Denise Simon's dinner companion, Robert Lowell of Van Nuys, California, literally bored her to death.

According to Debbie Reuben, a waitress at Les Amis restaurant, where the couple had been dining, Lowell had been talking at great length about his employer, whom Reuben overheard Lowell say was a "royal pain in the ass."

But David Parsons, who was dining at a nearby table, insisted it was the discussion about his various tech stocks that did her in. "Her head kind of lolled to one side but he didn't notice," said Parsons. "He just wouldn't shut up about how many times Dell had split in the last two years."

While accounts of the actual cause of death have been conflicting, eyewitnesses do agree on one detail that could be a key piece of evidence in any civil or criminal proceedings. According to Reuben, "He never even asked her what she did."

District Attorney Mike D'Alonzo was originally pursuing third-degree murder charges, but reduced it to manslaughter after it was revealed that Lowell had recounted a somewhat amusing anecdote about his mother, whom he lives with.

"It's a classic case," said rescue worker Steve Amos. "A girl goes on a blind date set up by well meaning friends and it ends in tragedy."

Paramedics on the scene were unable to revive Simon despite their best efforts, which included a humorous retelling of a lesser-known urban legend, a puppet show, and several knock-knock jokes."

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Intrepid Rusputin Hits the Ice

by Rusputin (rusputin@subbrilliant.zzn.com) Friday, 13-Aug-99 18:23:43 EST:

Editor's Note - We last heard from Rusputin on 11 June (see below). While we haven't a clue what happened between Greece and Antarctica, we're very pleased to hear he isn't dead again.

MCMURDO STATION, ANTARCTICA- So I'm heading south to Antarctica. I'm not sure why, but remember something Conrad said about big white places on the map, and well, Antarctica is about the biggest fucking white place there is.

So, in a Conradian sense, it has to be cool. So I'm clipping along in the Toyota at about 20 knots, when this big, rainbow colored ship starts trying to buzz me. I'm always one for a friendly game of chicken, but I was kind of enjoying the solitude, you know?

So I try to stay out of this big ship's way, but they follow me and start yelling through their loudspeaker about pollution and destroying the natural resources, and all that shit. Who the fuck are these people? I mean, I know the Toyota has an oil leak, but who carries spare gasket seals around with them? Nobody! So what the fuck do they want out of me, right?

So I start yelling back insults about how if I were French I would blow that big ass ship out of the water and stuff, and I guess I hit a nerve 'cause they shucked a harpoon into the Toyota, and started trying to pull it aboard.

Well, as much as I enjoy being a guest aboard a big fucking ship filled with whiney ass liberal tree huggers, I really wanted to get to Antarctica. So I remembered that my seat cushion doubled as a flotation device, and I ditched.

It took me a couple of days to paddle to Antarctica, but It was worth the effort. Real quiet place. No sign of Kurt Russell, though, and when I asked the guys at McMurdo where the big spaceship was stuck in the ice, they wouldn't tell me. I guess it's a secret or something. Maybe I'll take a walk and go look for it. They sure do have a lot of dogs here.

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Techie Discovers RAM Sleep

Uses Nap Time to Speed Up Processor Performance

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Sunday, 15-Aug-99 23:16:49 EST:

SAN MATEO - Lori Simmons attained a higher state of computing Wednesday with her discovery of RAM sleep. The innovation allows her to use available brain resources to speed up her computer's performance by 22%.

While watching a Learning Channel program discussing REM sleep, Simmons mis-heard the announcer and thought he said RAM sleep. When she found she was mistaken she decided to investigate RAM sleep anyway.

Using a USB device she manufactured herself, Simmons jumpered her processor into her higher brain functions and went to sleep. She found that processing power benchmarked much higher while using the available resources of her sleeping brain.

"Now if only I can find a way to work while sleeping, I can really take advantage of this resource," said Simmons. She has begun work on DreamWorker which will re-interpret daily work tasks as dream sequences which employees can have fed to them during sleep.

The new RAM sleep hardware will be released by Sun Microsystems sometime next year. Sun employs Simmons and owns all her ideas, her brain and any increased processing time she may derive therefrom as stated in her contract.

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God Goes Public

Jesus Gets Rich As Major IPO Holder

by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 21-Aug-99 22:16:24 EST:

NEW JERUSALEM - God announced that during a recent viewing of a Carrot Top movie he decided to release control of heaven and issue stock publicly.

Pre-IPO holders such as Jesus Christ and the Archangel Michael stand to make a fortune.

"Sure its harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel passing through a needle," said Jesus. "But I already live ther, right? No Sweat."

Lucifer has already filed an injunction with the SEC that insider trading has kept him from a fair share of heaven. Hell is a wholly owned subsidiary whose fate remains unclear in the public offering.

Heaven will be traded on the NASDAQ stock exchange under the ticker symbol HEVN.

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Athelete Gives 110%, Now Owes Coach

by Tyedye & Ace Dtect (tyedace@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 21-Aug-99 16:28:54 EST:

SAN ANDREAS - Local baseball star Craig Langford, promised to give 110% before last night's game and ended the evening in debt for 10% to coach Gary Moreland.

Unlike most coaches, Moreland holds his players to legally binding contracts for their performances. Langford, unused to this practice since moving to the area, failed to consult his lawyer before making his pre-game announcement.

Coach Moreland holds 100% of Langford's body in escrow, waiting the fulfillment of the contract.

Langford hopes to complete the payment upon reincarnation. He will still be made available on loan to the team for this week's finals, at 19% APR*.

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Ally McBeal Fired

Weight at Issue

by Mariella Krause (mkrause@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 27-Aug-99 21:43:31 EST:

HOLLYWOOD - Fox officials announced Friday that actress Calista Flockhart of TV's "Ally McBeal" would be replaced with a skinnier actress to be named later this month.

Rumors of Flockhart's obsession with "eating occasionally" began last month, and the actress' weight has reportedly ballooned up to 102.

Friends and family even gathered for an intervention at the actress' New York apartment.

"She was out of control," said a friend close to the situation. "She knew her job was in jeopardy, but she just kept insisting that it was okay, that she could stop eating any time she wanted."

Rumors of Flockhart's anorexia last spring prompted the binge eating pattern that had Flockhart consuming "up to a slice of pizza a day."

Fox has yet to make a decision about a replacement, but has been looking at several possibilities. "We're considering Sarah Michelle Gellar for the role", said Fox spokesman Bobby McAffee. "But we're in negotiations with her agent about how much weight she'd be willing to drop for the role."

And while Flockhart's days as the emaciated McBeal may be over, don't count on her career to fizzle completely. "We may be able to get her on 'The Practice,' said Executive Producer David E. Kelley. "Heavier actresses seem to thrive on that show for some reason."

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Bush Ciritcized for Cursing

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 27-Aug-99 21:51:29 EST:

AUSTIN, TEXAS - George W. Bush was criticized for uttering the word "dang" during a rally yesterday, after a well-wisher stepped on his big toe.

"It sounds too much like damn, if you ask me," said one critic Joshua Bent.

Bush, the Republican presidential front runner, has also been known to use the term "h, e, double hockey sticks" - a known substitution for the word "hell." He has also referred to his penis as his "johnson," according to critics.

"It's no laughing matter. There's no way a man with such a foul mouth can be the leader of the free world," Bent said.

In response to lingering questions about his alleged cocaine use, Bush said he could have met the anti-drug standards when his father first experienced symptoms of acid reflux. He was not sure what year that may have been but said, "it was the same year my mother stopped using Tide detergent and switched to Era."

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Long-Time Listener Becomes First-Time Caller

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 27-Aug-99 21:48:33 EST:

MIAMI-A man who'd been listening to the EIB network's "Rush Limbaugh Show" since 1992 moved up in the ranks yesterday from "long-time listener" to "first-time caller."

Joseph Maund, an auto mechanic from Castroville, FL, said it was "the way the liberal press goes after George W. for drugs but then totally blows off how Clinton was like a lying-under-oath felon" which drove him to apply for his change in listener status.

Rush Limbaugh, host of the number-one rated radio talk show program, said he was mostly pleased with Maund's rookie performance, despite the fact that Maund called himself "his kid's dad."

At a special ceremony honoring Maund's new title, Limbaugh said, "I have twenty million listeners every week, but only forty or fifty callers, so I tend to be pretty forgiving of people who say they have a 'moral dilemma.'"

The Radio Advertising Board, which is trying to increase the number of callers to network radio shows in general, hopes Maund's experience will encourage others to get involved.

"It's a fairly rigorous process," said Suzy Carvajal, spokesperson for the RAB, "which may be discouraging many of the 'dittoheads' from getting involved. One of the biggest problems seems to be how hard it is to remember to turn your radio down."

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Minnesota Sold to Long Realty Firm

by Lurkette (lurkette@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 28-Aug-99 01:32:08 EST:

TUCSON - So. Arizona's largest real estate firm announced yesterday that it has purchased Minnesota.

Financial terms were not discolsed by either party but was the price was estimated to be around $14 dollars.

Founded in 1926, Long Realty became the 1st company to purchase an entire state, although states have commonly been purchased by individuals. The Kennedy family owns several northeastern states, and the Bush family has been quietly purchasing much of the south.

Stephen Quinlan, Long Realty President said Minnesota will retain it's name but has signed a long-term agreement to run it. "It will continue to be an autonomous unit (but) I'm President and have full operational control".

Gov. Jesse (The Body) Ventura is arranging a wrestling bout with Quinlan to settle the control issue.

Long has previously purchased 9 other states - Az, Kentucky, Missouri, Nebraska, N. Dakota, S. Dakota, Wisconsin, Tennessee, and S. Carolina.

Long said it plans to spend $7 million on creating the technology that will enable Minnesotans to learn to read.

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