Most images have been removed to prevent itching and burning.
AUSTIN, TX - SuBBrilliant News Editor-in-Chief, Ace Dtect, announced the official decision to open a branch office in San Francisco, California. The new branch will keep closer watch on technology news while providing expanded in-depth coverage of all news.
The branch differs from the Subbrilliant Corporation's many compounds and campuses worldwide.
"This is not a new compound or just a reporter's office. The new branch signifies a presence in the technology community that has been absent far too long," said Dtect in a press conference.
Main offices will remain in Austin, Texas, however, Dtect will spend most of his time for the coming year presiding over the new San Francisco branch. Mariella Krause has been named Austin Bureau Chief and will manage affairs at headquarters with the special assistance of Pilot X.
SuBBrilliant Staffers reacted to the news in diverse ways.
"Why the hell would you wanna live there?" said Religious Editor, Rev. Tyrone Dye.
"Get the hell out of here dammit," quipped Rusputin. "Where's my beer?"
"What's SuBBrilliant News?" asked Tim Bauer.
WASHINGTON - Air Force officials denied reports of an unidentified flying object spotted over Los Angeles yesterday, claiming it was, in fact, only a trial balloon floated by the "Warren Beatty For President Campaign."
As proof, officials at a Pentagon briefing offered up a video of Pat Caddell, a long-time friend of actor Warren Beatty, speaking on MSNBC about Beatty's qualifications: striking good looks and Presidential hair.
"It was very clearly just a trial balloon," said Defense Department spokesman Alvin Baker, pointing to a video of Cadell's MSNBC appearance. "You can see it being floated right here," Baker said, stopping the tape as Caddell compared Beatty to a fictional character named Bulworth.
The explanation seemed to appease many of the most panicked locals who, remembering the last actor to run for President, urged the Air Force to shoot this trial balloon down as fast as humanly possible.
But Ken Fluhr, director of the International UFO Research Center in Roswell, NM, remains skeptical. "I just can't believe Warren Beatty would be interested in being President - or that anybody would vote for him. It's pretty hard to envision a known womanizer being President, no matter how charming he is," Fluhr said.
William Shatner, host of television's "Rescue 911" series says that he was unaware that drowning victims who are left submerged are less likely to recover from their accidents.
Shatner recently found his future ex-wife at the bottom of the family swimming pool and said he was "startled" when the 911 operator "shouted" at him to lift her face out of the water.
"I. Wasn't aware. That bringing Nerine. To the surface. Was imperative.", said Shatner, "I was. Often. Studying the script during. The reenactments. Now. My beautiful wife. Is dead."
LONDON - A member of the royal family made a slightly racist off-colour comment insulting the poor and denegrating Britain yesterday forcing an immediate retraction.
The Queen immediately both jumped to the defence and chastised the comments as well as insisting they were taken out of context and no offence was intended.
The papers had a field day by once more being able to ignore news in favour of overanalyzing the royal comments and the reactions of the media to those comments.
The Queen has asked Parliament to issue a standing apology for any further comments any member of the royal family might make. In addition Her Majesty has struck a deal with several London papers to make sure the royal family says something stupid on the average of once a month.
LOS ANGELES - Grieving widower, William Shatner, stunned the free world yesterday by announcing his marriage to Marta, 27, Orion, just weeks after he found his previous wife floating in the pool.
Shatner, who for years projected himself as a loving family man and devoted husband, had been seen on more than one occasion in the company of old flames.
"Yeah, I saw him in here with that woman [Marta]. And this was back in '98. He tried to be real covert about it, but the whole god damned free world knows who he is. And it's real hard to pretend you're NOT here just for sex when you've got a green Orion woman on your arm," said Hiram Peebles, L.A. Motel Manager.
Authorities are also investigating the whereabouts of Marta on the night of Mrs. Shatner's mysterious demise.
"You know them Orion women can be devious and scheming," said L.A. Police Captain, Marvin Germer. "She never forgot about that fling they had while he was in the Fleet. And she never let him forget it neither. I wouldn't be surprised if they were both in on it [the murder] but it was definitely her idea."
Neither Shatner nor Marta were available for comment, but the Shatners' lawyer has agreed to provide Police Officials with a complete account of the happy couple's comings and goings for the last three weeks. It is rumored, however, that despite Police urgings not to leave the city, Shatner and his new bride may be hiding out with Marta's family in Orion.
WASHINGTON, DC - After a 13 year study, The U.S. Justice Department cited numerous accounts of successful encounters between young children and strangers, prompting parents, school officials and police agencies to abandon their longstanding "Don't Talk To Strangers" policy.
In one typical example, a Los Angeles 7 year old told about being offered candy by a large, hairy, tattooed man who then took her to Disneyland and returned her in time for her family's dinner that evening. Although her paranoid parents were frantic with worry, the unmolested little girl remembers the experience fondly, and looks forward to a career in hitchhiking when she grows up.
"Strangers have received a terribly unfair reputation." stated Attorney General Janet Reno. "A few isolated perverts have given the majority a bad name. Most strangers are very nice and feel unnecessarily defensive when being kind and friendly to children. As this study proves, children are statistically much safer with perfect strangers than with so called ‘loved' ones."
Elmore Leonid, Professor of Sociology at the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School, lectured, "Talking to strangers is an important step in attaining social skills. Children who are taught by their authority figures not to talk to strangers and who feel terrorized when one approaches or smiles at them will no doubt end up wearing a trench coat and taking target practice on their classmates or work as an auditor for the IRS."
Stranger Support Groups around the nation are hailing the results, proclaiming, "Thank God for Government Studies!"
SAN JOSE - Internet retailer Priceline.com slashed its advertising budget by nearly 85% today, naming its own price for pitch man William Shatner.
According to LeVay Hardiwell, Priceline's Southwest Regional Advertising Director, the former Star Trek and T.J. Hooker star will be Priceline's official spokesperson for all national radio and print advertising, and all for the low, low price of US$199.97.
"We put in a bid at three in the afternoon, and it was accepted within two hours," Hardiwell said.
Hundreds of thousands of people have used Priceline.com to name their own price for airline tickets, hotel rooms and mortgages, but this was only the second time anyone named their own price for a spokesperson, Hardiwell said.
"We weren't sure it was gonna catch on during our test run. We only got seven bucks for Dick Cavett," Hardiwell said. "But we're guaranteed a profit no matter what, now that Shatner's locked in."
Legendary advertising guru David Ogilvy sees great potential in the idea of naming your own price for spokespeople. "Martin Mull for eighty dollars; Regis Philbin for twenty-two," Ogilvy said. "This is gonna be big. Really big."
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Janet Reno has denied all responsibility for the 1993 deaths at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, TX and instead blames Colonel Hogan, an American prisoner of war in Germany's Stalag 13.
Reno made her statement at an impromptu gathering of the prisoners at Hogan's barracks, where Reno was allegedly seen fraternizing with and accepting food from French prisoner of war Corporal LeBeau.
"I know nothing. Nothing," Reno said, quickly leaving the barracks and refusing further comment.
Reno's actual accusation of Hogan and description of his involvement is said to be contained in documents subpoenaed by the team investigating the events at Waco, headed up by Independent Counsel Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
"I am quite sure that I can get to the bottom of this before General Burkarter comes," Klink said during a joint press conference with Major Hochsteadter of the German SS. "No one who fired an incendiary device into the Branch Davidian compound will escape our detection, just as no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13."
Turning to acknowledge the unusual presence of Colonel Hogan himself at the press conference, Hochsteadter chimed in, "What is this man doing here?"
Hogan, known to the Allied command as "Baby Bear," steadfastly denies any knowledge of the FBI's operations at Waco, but did say that he hoped Reno enjoyed her upcoming vacation --to the Russian front.
LISCO, Nebraska - Martha Crenshaw moved out of her house for a week while the local Orkin man battled the infestation.
"They were everywhere!" proclaimed Crenshaw."You couldn't take a step without running into one."
Bison overran Crenshaw's home and she's not alone. 65% of this small midwestern town has experienced Bison infestation to a problematic degree.
"I don't mind the outdoor ones. They only come in when it rains," said Jack Gardner, Accountant. "It's the indoor ones that get in the sink and leave droppings in your tupperware."
Most residents blame nearby Crescent Lake National Wildlife Refuge for harboring the pests but the US Government denies that the refuge harbors any Bison.
"I remember being told by my school teachers that Bison were all extinct. I did everything to help raise awareness to protect them. Now I'm asking myself why?" said Crenshaw.
Bison Burger sales have dropped dramatically but local eatery's have made up for the loss by exporting the meat to Bison poor areas.
WASHINGTON - A series of political misteps by the normally astute President Bill Clinton has been blamed on an anti-Clinton from Bizarro World who is now ruling this dimension.
The anti-Clinton is charged with accepting a $1.5 million loan guarantee on a house in upstate New York, a possible violation of Presidential ethics rules, as well as making the decision to release Puerto Rican terrorist members of the FALN, characterized as "unbelievably retarded" by possible Presidential candidate Patrick Buchanan.
"It's a big, giant, evil anti-Clinton," said political advisor James Carville, "probably from Bizarro World, you know, from Superman, and probably, like, the same place where that evil, evil Ken Starr is from."
"I wouldn't be surprised if channeling an anti-Clinton from another dimension wasn't cooked up by Ken Starr, working in cahoots with Newt Gingrich, and maybe that Lex Luthor," Carville said.
Bizarro Bill, as the anti-Clinton has been dubbed, is also blamed for the Lewinsky scandal, for the over-glamorization of Hurricane Floyd, and for the words "but I didn't inhale."
Numerous patrons harmlessly blew beer through their nostrils or peed in their pants, but several were seriously injured and transported by ambulance. Three men are in the Intensive Care Unit after Busting A Gut, and another Laughed His Ass Off and is scheduled for an emergency Lobuttomy next week. A cocktail waitress working at the club was committed for 48 hours of observation in the Shady Cubits Sanitarium after Jerk's routine Cracked Her Up, while another unidentified woman will undergo a Hysterectomy to relieve her acute Hysteria.
Hospital officials say all of the comedy casualties were Left In Stitches and lists them in unstable condition.
This incident follows in the wake of the worst comedy disaster in history, when last year Polish Comedian Yerge Wrobel Brought Down The House while entertaining at the Warsaw Civic Auditorium, killing himself and his entire audience.
While the United States Supreme Court insists that negligent Comedians cannot be criminally prosecuted for causing humor related injuries to their audiences, they remain liable through Civil Lawsuits and are required to carry Comedy Malpractice Insurance.
The remorseless Jerk apologized to the incontinent crowd after the show, saying, "I really didn't mean to be so funny. I was very lucky nobody actually Died Laughing."
NEW YORK - "Angels Are Bullshit; When You Die, You're Dirt: Get Over It" is the newest entry into the currently feasting market revolving around life after death and angels, etc. The question is: have DoubleDay and the author, Dr. William Smyte, MFCC, entered the market too early? Shouldn't they have waited for James Von Praagh and Sylvia Browne to be fully exposed before tossing their book in the ring?
DoubleDay's press release for the advance copies reads:
"The human race cannot rely on a few idiots from Long Island when assessing the verification of their contention that dead people are always around and talking to us in vague terms. We are certain that it is only a matter of time before someone figures out that anything true is proveable; thus far the only thing we've been able to prove is that Montel Williams is a gullible twit, professional psychics make lots of money, and that James Von Praagh is a creepy looking eunich."
Examples of Chapter Titles: "Channeling Maggots"; "Dearly Departed Credit Cards When Your Husband Finds Out About Psychic Friends Calls"; "Why Is It That A Session With Sylvia Browne Runs Exactly An Hour? Is Casper The Friendly Ghost Acting As Her Receptionist?"; "Chicken Sacrifices Are Messy".
SEATTLE - Microsoft disappeared yesterday for a brief moment after time travellers attempted to thwart the computer giant by altering the past
Unknown agents travelled back in time and secured rights to DOS, preventing Bill Gates from stealing his first technology and causing Microsoft to fail as a business.
Coincidentally, beta testers of MS Time Explorer caught the unknown agents in action and reversed their work shortly before they did it.
Experts agree that the days events will have no effect whatsoever on the Department of Justice case against Microsoft.
Those who raised questions about timeline integrity and the implausibility of us knowing about these events if they happened at all, experienced an invalid page fault.