Most images have been removed to prevent chafing.
WASHINGTON - Vice President Al Gore announced this week that he would pare down his campaign organization and move his headquarters to a little known state called "Tennessee."
Gore's advisers conceded the bizarre move was a last-ditch effort to wrestle away momentum from Senator Bill Bradley. They hope to disassociate Gore from the Elvis-loving Clinton and instead associate him with an Elvis-loving state.
"I want to present my own vision for this nation," Gore said in an interview on CNN. "And I can't think of a better way to do that than to move to a city known for a style of a music that was briefly popular back in the days of Kenny Rogers."
Asked about Gore's move, Bradley, campaigning in North Carolina, said, "I should go visit him and ask for a debate. Tennessee's, like, down south somewhere, right?"
Analysts in Tennessee called this a "long overdue good move."
"Gore needs to be with a winner. And our GNP is way above Montana's," said Steve Lawrence of the Nashville Journal. "Don't forget, Elvis was from here, and he was elected king."
ANGELS CAMP, California - A Fundamentalist Christian fanatic rudely interrupted services at a Liberal Methodist Church yesterday, unsettling the souls of captivated worshippers and jeopardizing their salvation.
Wielding a tattered Bible and preaching unpleasantries, Evangelist Peter Pants hurled unfair pious innuendoes, gospel bombshells and hate filled scriptural epithets directed at homosexuals, fornicators and, "hypocritical Cosmetic Christians who expect a cheap grace-- and will get what they pay for come Judgement Day".
Pants then aimed accusations at the innocent parishioners, threatening them with fire and brimstone atrocities and other sadistic tortures if they didn't repent from their "lustful hearts and secular endorsements."
A humble member of the National Rifle Association attending the religious service shot Pants dead before he could do more harm to the fragile self-esteems of the insecure and guilt ridden Christian flock.
Victims of The Rampaging Disciple expressed shock that anyone would expose a sanctuary of spiritual peace and fulfillment to threats of damnation and depressing, dispiriting referrals from the Bible.
Barbara Sehr, the church's Pastor said, "Peter Pants was a fanatic! He actually read the Bible and communed with drug infested harlots and homeless bums! I don't think that man ever took a bath! Peter obviously did not walk with the Lord. What would Jesus want with wretched friends like him?"
Following the hostile sermonizing and its associated bedlam, bewildred parents took traumatized children to an emergency prayer session. The session raised $400.00 for the causes of Christ.
© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>
BRUSSELS - The secret government that rules the world announced yesterday it will discontinue Nebraska as of Wednesday, 13 October.
The Committee on Unnecessary Geography concluded last month that maintaining the fiction of the US State of Nebraska was no longer profitable. The secret World Governing Committee voted to accept the committee's recommendation unanimously with one abstention.
After the 13th, Nebraska will become part of Kansas and it will seem as if it has always been that way. No one will remember that it ever existed.
"One problem we had was the psychologically palliative factor of 50 states," said John Baker, chief of the secret world government staff. "To make up for that we've made the District of Columbia a state as of Wednesday.
"That will take away the puzzling aspect of the capital not being in the US but we think that confusion loss will be outweighed by other gains from abolishing Nebraska."
The press department issued the statement on degradable paper and wiped the memory of all participants immediately following the conference.
NEW YORK - A time management seminar ended in tragedy this week when all 300 participants including team leaders and group supervisors took their own lives.
Marketing and Sales groups from Omni Megacorps were attending efficiency seminar at TimeDay's Mounatin retreat. The seminar instructed office workers how to manage time more efficiently for increased production.
According to evidence gathered by police, several focus groups recommended efficiency action plans which were then discussed in anopen seminar led by TimeDay's group supervisors.
"As far as we can reconstruct, the groups were brainstorming non-monetizing efficiencies that could not be leveraged across platforms. Eventually someone in the group suggested consolidated group headings," said Chief Investigator Pat Kelly.
"They took it too far," said a stunned TimeDay employee who had been out buying bagels when the tragedy occurred. "They overconsolidated into an overbroad category and then - they eliminated non-efficient headings before they realized - I can't talk about it. I need some processing time. I - I just don't have the bandwidth for this."
TimeDay was not insured against massive group deaths and is already submitting papers to the SEC regarding a hostile takeover by Omni Megacorps.
Omni plans to license TimeDay seminars to rival companies seeking greater productivity.
LOS ANGELES - Members of Hollywood's Alliance for Stunt Performers of Color have voted to boycott film giant Viacom, Inc. in protest of "painting down", a term used to describe using "black" makeup on "white" stunt performers.
ASPC members say that the film company passes over minority workers while jobs are given to whites who paint themselves minority colors.
Marvin Walters, retired stunt performer and spokesman for the Alliance said, "These film makers are using makeup to present a false appearance! It's unfair labour practice."
Actor Richard Gere supported to the stuntmen's efforts saying, "I have never been mistaken for who I really am in a film, and the Hollywood directors know it. They wouldn't dare try that 'pretend' stuff with me. There's no reason they should do it to others."
Singer Michael Jackson said, "I feel sorry for minorities. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. Don't forget black people can look white too. I love you all."
ASPC members plan to begin the nationwide boycott of Viacom, Inc., and it's subsidiary, Blockbuster videoon November 1.
JERUSALEM - The little known Jews for Mohammed religious group resolved all remaining problems for mid-east peace today. Israeli leader Ehud Barak and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat signed an agreement giving the group joint custody of Palestine.
Jews for Mohammed splintered from Jews for Jesus a year ago and has gained massive support and power on both sides of the mid-east dispute.
The religious organization, appealing to their Jewish brethren and Islamic co-believers, engineered bi-partisan support for their plan. They begin administering the entire area on Tuesday.
Their plan calls for cultural exchanges, musical albums and a variety show. Advanced tickets can be purchased at mosques and synogogues across Israel, the West Bank, Gaza Strip and Golan Heights.
They have also secured the rights to perform during half time at this year's American Super Bowl as a show of their strength.
The infamous "For Dummies" book series has announced their entree into new fields with their latest releases.
Among the new titles are, "Cancer For Dummies", "Strokes For Dummies", "Crack Addiction For Dummies", "Male Pattern Baldness For Dummies", "Impotence For Dummies", "Breast Exams For Dummies", and "Life After Death For Dummies".
IDG will release the books in paperback. They contain all of the fun cartoons and jokes that have made the how-to series legendary.
In "Life After Death For Dummies", page 223 reads:
"Don't Look Into The Light! and Other Things That Clairvoyant Midgets Really Mean
"When you see a short person, sweating profusely, that is not a sign to turn on the air conditioning, my friends, no! It means that you have a Seer * (see glossary of terms) in your presence. The Light* may or may not be blasting through your TV set, a closet, or your fireplace; but if you encounter a Seer, you must do what they say step by step.'
Let's be modern, there's no need for chicken blood…"
Representatives of IDG Books, Worldwide, issued a press release for each title explaining their presence in these new markets:
"While IDG Books doesn't claim to have invented the wheel, we do testify to making these passages of life easy to navigate. All of life is as simple as a point and click. What does 'chemotherapy' really mean? How do I ask for God's forgiveness without wasting steps? There are different jokes for different strokes...
"We're confident the general public will rush to devour these titles. Knowledge is power and IDG Books is proud to give life and death changing instruction to one and all in a way that's easily remembered: stupid one-liners, goofy cartoons, abrupt and scattered chapters, and most of all, very few three syllable words."
WASHINGTON - The House approved a bill this week declaring the United States a wrestlocracy, a republican form of democracy ruled by wrestling celebrities.
The bill passed 375-52 and is expected to pass in the Senate. Newly-named President Jesse "The Mind" Ventura is expected to sign it into law.
The House legislation calls for a bicameral process, with a House made up of 427 members of the WWF and a Senate of 101 bad guys led by Senate Majority Leader The Undertaker.
"This is a great way to reinvigorate the apathetic American public," said Speaker of the House Stone Cold Steve Austin. "We bring to bear an enormous amount of resources, including a unique response to the threat of violence against overseas. You foreigners mess with the U.S., and we're gonna mess you up."
Although not strictly Constitutional, the new wrestlocracy is receiving considerable support in Washington. "I am behind these guys all the way, and I hope they support my bid for the White House," said Presidential candidate Albert "The Goreminator" Gore. "Oh, yeah!!"
LAHORE - The military in Pakistan apologised to people and institutions loyal to prime minister, Nawaz Sharif.
Eighteen Pakistani diplomats appointed by Mr Sharif have been told it was all a joke.
Ministers in the Sharif government remain gunshy but have Stated they didn't think the joke was very funny.
The moves come as General Pervez Musharraf, who led last Tuesday's supposed military coup, finally revealed his pranksterish ways.
An army spokesman was quoted by Reuters news agency as saying Musharraf is an incurable practical joker but this time he may have taken it too far.
General Pervez Musharraf has said his priority is to rescue Pakistan's dire humour situation.
His spokesman, Brigadier Rashid Qureshi, told SBN on Friday that "humourcrats" would govern until elections and the restoration of democracy.
"I did it for the people of Pakistan who take themselves too seriously. How can a little bit of fun hurt anyone? I apologise for the few unforeseen deaths," said General Musharraf in his official staement.
The Prime Minister will remain under house arrest, "until he gets it."
NEW JERUSALEM - Angelic Realty Ltd. Announced today that God officially decided to sell Limbo beginning Monday.
Limbo had been the home of the unborn, babies, young children, morons, and a few others until the Catholic Church shut the place down following Vatican II.
All previous inhabitants have since been relocated but the area has sat unused for several years.
"We've run all kinds of ideas around on how to utilize the space but nothing seems to pan out," said God's chief press spokesangel Michael.
Michael insisted that God would not consider an offer from Hell even if significantly more substantial than competing offers.
Hell filed a lien against Limbo several years back, claiming damages and loss of business when God's son relocated several thousand residents from the "Hell of the Just" to Limbo and Heaven. The lien was thrown out of court on procedural grounds.
"All I can say is I'm in serious negotiation with several top buyers and of course I know who will end up purchasing it because I'm omnipotent," said God to a crowd of reporters.
Limbo features wide open plains, grey skies and natural glory.
NEW YORK - Women born without the genes that control 'arts and crafts' and 'graciousness of living' attributes have for years haunted magazine aisles wondering if Martha Stewart is for real (while frantically thumbing through her latest Home and Garden rag like D-students trying to catch up).
Last week, the nation let out a collective sigh when Martha Stewart announced she is actually a non-human commodity known as an 'Omnimedian' now trading on the New York Stock Exchange.
"Martha Stewart Omnimedian (MSO-NYSE) stock automatically makes the purchaser creative, genteel, and thrifty", said spokesman Benjamin Dowling.
Kathleen Pullman of Newhurst, Connecticut, purchased 43 shares on opening day. "I'm quite pleased to report that the most ferocious facial expression I am able to make is a moue".
Nebraska's Assistant Attorney General Janet Rollins bought over 80 shares and no longer has gas. "I'd love to chat", she said, "but I'm stencilling an old shoe closet which will become a magazine rack for the study I built myself last eve".
Dowling cautioned against overbuying, and noted that MSO will not be held responsible for any acts committed by owners of 100 shares or more.
"You will know you have reached your personal limit when you feel compelled to greet or perhaps entertain your neighbors."
"It's too late for me", sighed Meg Appleton, at 167 shares, "I've whitewashed the dog".
SACRAMENTO - A mistake in legislative wording has led the California State Government to accidentally outlaw all marriages.
Conservative representatives passed legislation they thought would ban gay and lesbian marriages. But a closer reading reveals a loophole that outlaws all marriages.
A California Congressman discovered this fact the hard way when he returned home one evening last week to find a goodbye note from his former wife.
A Gay and Lesbian rights group had informed her and other prominent Republican spouses that current legislation freed them from the binds of matrimony. Furthermore, perpetuating the myth of a marriage was punishable by law.
The fatal wording stated, "…all marriages by people who have the same sex shall be considered unlawful…"
The California courts determined that if anyone has sex with or as their partner then they cannot be married.
Conservative lawmakers are appealing to a more strict constructionist judge to overturn the decision.
MONTGOMERY - Acting on the recommendations of a curriculum standards committee for Alabama public schools, the state legislature today passed a law outlawing the teaching of "the theory of math."
"According to the Bible, man and dinosaur must have been alive at the same time," said Alabama attorney general Hayworth Klein. "But even this simple little bit of knowledge doesn't fit into this new-fangled math theory that they're forcing on our kids."
A group called Creationism Is Science But Science Is Not spearheaded the effort to outlaw all forms of math. In March, the head of the group, Carol Spearer, complained that new math standards being written for children could contradict religious beliefs.
"Everybody knows the world was created in seven days," Spearer said. "Now, if that seems too big a job to accomplish, maybe the real problem is with the concept of seven.
"According to this math theory, the number seven follows the number six and comes before the number eight. But maybe it goes three-thousand-one, three-thousand-two, seven. Who knows?"
While evolution opponents are not demanding that Alabama students be taught a biblical mathematics theory, the law does call for all forms of math to be eliminated from curriculums.
"There's been a significant increase in the number of skeptics who question math on purely scientific grounds," said Alfred Boehm, spokesman for the Institute for Creationist Studies. "The proof is in the more advanced forms of this so-called math. Face it, God would not create negative numbers. That's the work of the devil."
MOSCOW - Russian Finance Tycoon Boris Berezovsky met with Coke Chairman M. Douglas Ivester yesterday to finalize a plan which will enable the Russian State to pay their 20 million nearly a year of back wages.
Berezovsky and Ivestor modeled the plan after the Coke's environment gauging vending machines. Those machines automatically raise prices whenever outside temperatures create discomfort. The Russian Coke Plan will raise prices on goods sold to Russia's poor.
First Deputy Prime Minister Yuri Masyukov approved the Plan saying, "Millions more rubles will now be paid for food and medical supplies. We shall use these funds to pay our (unpaid) workers".
"Phase Two of 'The Coke Plan' will double the costs of clothing and shelter", added Ivester, "The IMF (International Monetary Fund $8 Billion Russian owed debt) can now be paid".
Coke also announced plans to install one thousand of their "seven hundred ruble' vending machines in Repolovo, an area currently without running water.
"The more desperate the person, the more they should pay", explained Ivester
WASHINGTON - After three years and 25 million dollars, scientists at the Wake Forest Department of Abnormal Science and Solicitation have reached a definitive conclusion: a country boy can survive.
A Hank Williams Jr. song inspired project leader Dr. Reid Pearson to conduct the study.
"I was intrigued, " said Pearson, "I had believed the country boy was a bit too cocksure for his own good. Boy was I wrong."
The project also answered other peripheral questions, such as, "Why do you drink?" and "Why do you roll smoke?"
Pearson will direct the department's next study, a five-year 2.5 billion dollar project funded by the US Dept. of Intercourse to research whether the heart can truly go on.
SAN FRANCISCO - Police have issued a warning that a new cereal killer may be active in the state. Fourteen poisoning victims have been found in the last eight months bent over their breakfast tables, face down in their bowls of soggy Frosted Flakes ™.
SuBBrilliant News sources say the killer sent encrypted messages to local newspapers, using marshmallow hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds to spell the words. All the messages made subliminal references to Honey Nut Cheerios™ and the nutritional value of glazed donuts ("They're greeaaaat!"). The FBI's Behavioral Profile Unit profiled the killer as a reclusive 35 year old, white, fructose addicted Bee Gees fan.
Police are leaving no lead untrampled in their pursuit of this evil criminal mastermind, whom they have dubbed "Tony the Tiger." Their expanded search now includes disgruntled athletes who have never appeared on the cover of a Wheaties Box.
Until they catch the cereal killer and it is once again safe for the consuming public to hear Snap! Crackle! Pop!, General Mills is recalling all their breakfast products from store shelves.
Frustrated Police Spokesman Sgt. Roland Pepper said, "This killer is a Fruit Loop. He's gone Grape Nuts. He's coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. He's got a bracelet, but he's missing some Lucky Charms. We must catch this Corn Flake before he modifies his M-O to include non sugar coated cereals."
In an ultimatum sent to The San Francisco Examiner, "Tony the Tiger" demanded that he be animated and affixed to the cover of a new breakfast product to be named after him. The killer included a hand drawn self-caricature and the name "Raggedy Roach".
He insists that the cereal must contain at least 20 brown, tasty, bite sized marshmallow bugs in each serving or he will continue to prey upon "deceived children who will eat anything with an unrealistically enthusiastic cartoon character on the box". Anticipating that they will lose 22 million dollars per day until "Tony the Tiger" is caught, General Mills is considering the killer's proposition; "It's kind of catchy, though in the past, Animated Crawling Insect Spokesmen haven't pitched foodstuff very effectively".
This is not the first time California has suffered the wrath of a demented cereal killer. Cap'n Horatio Crunch, the state's most notorious cereal killer until now, was convicted in 1998. A US Coast Guard dragnet captured the Cap'n after drowning six victims in a bathtub full of Quaker Oats Oatmeal. Sentenced to death by lethal injection, Crunch is eligible for parole in 2005.
Roy Kellogg, President of The Sam Toucan Foundation, blames the advertising industry for glamorizing the roles of animated characters which can cause psychotic cereal breaks in otherwise normal adults. Named after Cap'n Crunch's first victim, The Sam Toucan Foundation was established last year to aid in financing the rehabilitation of criminals who commit cereal abuses.
© 1999 Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>
WASHINGTON - In separate press conferences this afternoon, Reform Party Presidential candidates Patrick Buchanan and Donald Trump have each named each other as their vice-presidential running mate.
"It's time to put all our bickering aside," said Buchanan, who left the Republican Party recently to try to seek a Presidential nomination in any party that would still have him.
"A Buchanan/Trump ticket is unstoppable," Buchanan continued, "and puts Trump right where he belongs."
"It's time to put all our bickering aside," said real estate developer and on-paper billionaire Donald Trump in a later press conference. "Trump/Buchanan will make it all the way to the White House. And Pat'll make a great second fiddle."
News analysts for National Public Radio's news program "All Things Considered" were mostly positive about the pairing, stating that bringing Trump fans and Buchanan fans together just may siphon enough votes away from George W. Bush to help elect a Democrat, thus ensuring four more years of funding for National Public Radio.
The highest-ranking official elected under the Reform Party banner, however, Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Mind" Ventura, refused to comment about the latest developments in his party.
"I'm not interested in the political maneuverings and behind-the-scenes back-stabbing," Ventura said, "and I'm definitely not hoping they keep making spectacles of themselves so I can step in and clean it all up closer to the election. Wink, wink."