Most images have been removed to prevent chafing.
REDMOND, WA - Scientists at the Center For Responsible Actions, a government-funded institute which has been in the forefront of discovering the right to health care, the right to stock options and the right to murder your wife as long as she's cheating on you, have discovered a new right this week: the right to get an A in French whether you can speak French or not.
The issue was raised last week when James McIntosh, a University of Pennsylvania student hung-over from a night of partying after a particularly close win by the Pennsylvania varsity rugby team, called his D- on a pop quiz "a hate crime."
"Intentions are very important," said McIntosh. "I intended to pass the test, and the fact that I showed up for the test at all means that I'm entitled to at least a B-. Plus, I'm a minority in the class, which is 53% female, so I should get bumped up to an A automatically."
"And, hey, I should be rich by now," McIntosh continued. "What's the deal there?"
The incident, which led the University of Pennsylvania school board to declare all forms of grading as biased and preferential, became the basis of a study by Edward Whitmore, the scientist who first identified the right to a car.
"Everyone knows you have a right to a computer, a right to be famous and a right to pass English without even a rudimentary knowledge of punctuation," said Whitmore. "But separating the idea of responsibility from rights was a highly technical, risky procedure."
"In fact," said Whitmore, "I would say that being devoid of any personal responsibility is not just a privilege-it's a right."
NEW YORK - Look for the following Audio Book Titles this shopping season:
Stephen Hawking Explains Santa Claus - 18 cassettes, read by Hawking's Computer Voice. The largest brain in the world desensitizes the most delightful childhood fantasy ever devised my man.
William Shatner's Convention Stories - Two cassettes, read by Shatner's Ghostwriter. Despite having a ghost-reader, Shatner still comes off as unbright.
What I Meant Was - One cassette, read by Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura. The third party renegade Governor tries to explain his uninformed and generalized social and budgetary policies.
My Life and Legend - Four cassettes, read by Sean, "Puff Daddy"/ "Puffy" Combs (reading selections from the autobiographies of: Eddie Murphy; Mohammed Ali; Jimi Hendrix; Oliver Stone; Russell Simmons; Michael Jordan; and Elizabeth Taylor).
Jewell Reads The Collected Works of Madonna - Five cassettes. A verbal boring-contest.
LONDON - In a bit of clever scientific deduction, researchers at the University of London announced yesterday their findings that nothing is in fact true.
A report appearing in the journal Nature entitled, Quantum States of Reality and Veracity in Discrete and General Models concludes that everything that happens changes from moment to moment and therefore, "…all bets are off."
Doctor Gerald Smithson, co-author of the paper told reporters that in fact their paper represented a bit of a quandry in that it in itself could be false.
"We had serious debates whether to publish the paper or not. Some of us on the team felt that publishing it could make it null and void and thereby eliminate the possibility of discovering the untruth in the system."
Smithson went on to explain that simply writing the paper could also cause the same effect thus leading to the publication.
The scientists are now researching whether or not they should write and publish a paper evaluating the truth of this paper.
"Until then," said Smithson, "I recommend that no one believe anything."
ARLINGTON, VA - American veterans were placated for yet another year by several short, patronizing speeches that pointed out how necessary their sacrifices were and that now they should go away.
Speaking at a brief ceremony at Arlington Cemetery, President Clinton said, "I've been a big admirer of the brave veterans of foreign wars since back in the days when I got out of serving in Vietnam because of my loathing of the military, uh, I mean, hey, look, something shiny!"
Clinton went on to address the problems of health care and homelessness among veterans, saying, "Thank you for your service or whatever it was you did. We'll think about you again next year."
US Army veterans Bill Johnson and Lance Harmstrunger, present at the ceremony, said they were happy that the spotlight was being shone upon them and their slain military brethren for approximately seventeen minutes.
Johnson and Harmstrunger then argued about where to eat lunch. "We had a little disagreement over what restaurant to go to because they'd all be closed for this great holiday," Harmstrunger said, "but, luckily, none of them were."
The celebration at Arlington Cemetery then spilled out onto the streets for a rousing military-style parade that no one attended. Instead, a grateful nation, stopping to consider the fact that freedom and prosperity do not come cheap, celebrated by not getting mail.
MOSCOW - Tired of protests over their military operations in Chechnya, the Russian military began bombing Siberian targets yesterday.
Spokespersons for the Kremlin stated the bombings show that Russia will not be told who it can and cannot attack on its own soil.
"It's our country and we can blow up as much of it as we want," said President Boris Yeltsin. "I want to make this clear to the west. Stay out of our business. For every demand that we stop attacking our own territory we will bomb another one of our towns."
US President Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment but the US Congress began drafting legislation preparing the way for retaliation.
"We will not stand by and watch this tragedy unfold," said Senator John McCain. "My staff is now preparing a resolution threatening to take action against Kansas, North Dakota, and Montana if Russia does not cease immediately.
Prime Minister Tony Blair took it one step further and announced he would begin shooting random members of the British public within a week, unless Russia unilaterally withdrew from Siberia and Chechnya.
In a related story, Serbians presented a list of demands to the UN today including the right to blow themselves up whenever they deemed necessary
LOS ANGELES, California - A rumor that spread faster than the Melissa virus proved untrue, according to today's Los Angeles Times.
Angelinos responded with mixed reactions, ranging from know-it-all aloofness to disappointment to disbelief.
"I knew it all along," sniffed Patti Cox, manager of an office supply store. "It was too juicy to be true. People in this town are so stupid, they'll believe anything."
Cox's coworker Maria Hernandez disagreed. "They're not that stupid," she said.
Tommy Lee and Meghan Lasseter shared their opinions while waiting tables at Cafe 50s. "I really thought it was about time someone did something like that," Lasseter said, tossing her blonde hair. "I'm like really bummed that he was lying. That sucks."
"Hey, will you read my screenplay?" commented Lee. "It's really good."
Still, despite the evidence, some folks persist in believing the rumor. "They're just trying to cover it all up," insisted the guy selling movie tickets, speaking on condition of anonymity. "You know it's true. The more they deny it, the truer it is."
PR flacks for Michael Douglas, Leo DiCaprio, and Shannon Doherty did not return calls.
URBANA, Illinois - After scheduling a press conference to announce a major scientific breakthrough, scientists at the University of Illinois sheepishly told the press they had lost the findings.
The team of physicists had hoped to announce the discovery of the Grand Unified Theory, the holy grail of physics. The Grand Unified Theory reconciles the behavior of all matter and energy under one theory.
"It's there, I promise," said team leader Dr. Ivan Brown. "I showed it to Dolores just two days ago."
"Uh.. I saw it too," said Dr. Karen Shaumber, "I remember it had something to do with gravitons, and the number 10^16, right Ive?"
The scientists claim they face the danger of lost material constantly in their work. Experts have called the Grand Unified Theory a casualty of absent mindedness.
"The real kicker is, uh,… if I could find this theory then I might be able to explain my own absent mindededness,, heh heh," Dr. Brown joked weakly.
Graduate and Administrative Assistants combed the office thoroughly for the past week to no avail.
"We found several advances in 11 dimensional M theory and a few tweaks to the Standard Model but no Grand Unified Theory.
"I know it's around here somewhere," said Dr. Brown. "We'll let you all know as soon as I can put my hands on it."
WASHINGTON - In a special ceremony outside the White House, President Clinton this week refused to issue a presidential pardon for a sixty-pound turkey named Harry.
Refusing to overturn a Virginia State Court of Appeals decision, Clinton decided late last week that the traditional presidential pardon of a turkey each Thanksgiving "makes us Democrats look soft on poultry crimes."
Reactions across the country were mixed, with a majority of Americans supporting a policy of "zero-tolerance in the farmyards," according to a Zagby poll.
But some political analysts saw it in a different light, given the president's recent pardon of several Puerto Rican prisoners, which some saw as an attempt to win favor for Hillary Clinton among ethnic New Yorkers. "You can bet things would be different if there were a sizable turkey constituency to support Hillary's run" for the Senate, said commentator Tim Russert on ABC's Meet The Press. "If this turkey was Puerto Rican, you better believe he'd be living out the rest of his days in comfort on one of those lush turkey farms they have down there in Puerto Rico."
With the denial of this last chance for clemency, Harry Wayne Turkey is scheduled for execution by means of lethal butter injection in time for the Christmas holidays.