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SuBBrilliant News Archives- December 1999

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December 1999

Protestors in It for "the Chicks"

by Don Bucho (donbucho@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 04-Dec-99 18:50:23 EST:

SEATTLE - Organizers of the WTO protests admitted that they were just, "out to get laid".

"We figured, hey, women love a man with an agenda", said Joe Heathman, a 22 year old student from Olympia. "And it worked. Wwe were up to our necks in nookie and tear gas."

Heathman's plan soon backfired however when Washington State National Guardsmen beat him severely in a back alley.

John Carter, an aspiring musician from Seattle, had another purpose in mind for the protests.

"Dude, I wanted the crowd to get out of hand and start looting," he said. "I really wanted this new Mesa-Boogie amp and a Web TV for my place."

When asked why he was rioting, Carter replied, "Some kinda environmental stuff or something."

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Park Opens on Fantasy-Reality Line

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 04-Dec-99 19:07:42 EST:
Park Opens on Fantasy-Reality Line

LOS ANGELES - The major leaders of the world cartel of amusement parks announced the opening of a new entertainment center on the line between fantasy and reality.

"For years movies, books, and other forms of media have claimed to cross the line from reality to fantasy. We're going to provide a solid service that let's you do that whenever you want. Safely and with your family," said industry spokesperson Pat Magraw.

Protestors delayed the immediate construction of the park though. Local residents say the park may drive down property values.

"Yes many people live on the line between fantasy and reality. But if they think they can stop this project I think we know which side they spend most of their time on," quipped Magraw.

The protestors main concern is that the park will damage the environment and possibly blur the line between fantasy and reality.

"It's a thin line already," said a local resident. "Many of us can't seem to see it at all."

Magraw insisted that builders will take every precaution and pointed out that his park will reduce the number of people who walk the line on their own and therefore often get lost in fantasy.

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Presidency Up for Sale

No More Time-wasting Elections

by Kierkegaard (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 04-Dec-99 18:58:40 EST:

WASHINGTON - Congress has officially put the United States Presidency up for sale.

With George W. Bush, Steve Forbes, and Donald Trump all vying for the job, Congress declared voting a hindrance to the electoral process. New legislation formalizes the current system, where the seat goes to the highest bidder. Bids will start at $50 million, said Congressional spokesman Charles Zippo.

"I know we've been talking about campaign finance reform, but it's time we stop the sham. Our government has long been up for sale. This just makes it official," Zippo said.

To qualify for the bidding process, participants must have either inherited their money or earned it in an unscrupulous way. Those who have trampled innocent people in their paths to wealth will receive special consideration.

The new rules have encouraged Ross Perot, twice the Reform Party candidate, to throw his hat into the 2000 race.

"Now, these are rules I can live with!" said an excited Perot. "I've long believed that garnering public support is too cumbersome and inefficient."

Pundits believe the election could potentially raise $1 billion to support special interests. Lobbying groups with deep pockets will continue to handle most political issues.

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Seattle Outlaws Ducking Behind Mailboxes

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 04-Dec-99 18:53:41 EST:

SEATTLE - Following up on a recent law making it illegal to possess a gas mask within Seattle city limits, officials here have now made it a crime to duck behind a mailbox.

The emergency measure was passed in the wake of violent protests against the World Trade Organization meeting this week.

Police had been using tear gas to help contain some of the riots in downtown Seattle, but, according to police spokesman Eldrich Quaine, "these efforts were soon rendered ineffective because some anarchist happened to look up, noticed we were wearing gas masks and figured he oughta get one himself. Anarchists are always cheating like that."

With tear gas no longer viable, police resorted to rubber bullets. But protesters soon ducked behind mailboxes and espresso carts, leading to passage of a city ordinance making it illegal to "hide, conceal, cloak, cover or otherwise obscure oneself from officially-sanctioned attacks." Duckers are subject to fines of up to $300 and imprisonment for up to 30 days.

A Seattle Times poll reported that forty percent of Seattle citizens not involved in the WTO protests were opposed to this measure, prompting city officials to outlaw all polls.

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Bonfire Tragedy Inspires Stricter Building Codes

by Rev. Tyrone Dye <AKA Tyedye> (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Sunday, 05-Dec-99 05:48:00 EST:

AUSTIN, TEXAS - After last month's ill-fated bonfire tragedy that killed 12 students at Texas A&M, state legislators have reluctantly voted that all future pyres must be built out of bricks; capable of standing up to the elements and to rabid, school spirit filled fans.

Last year's Texas A&M bonfire structure was built out of straw, and failed to withstand the huffing and puffing of three intoxicated Aggies. Amid outspoken protests from the school's Alumni Association and Homecoming Queen Babs Sikowski, the doomed, over-budget project was abandoned and 14,000 disappointed Aggie Boosters were obliged to conduct their beer binges elsewhere. A frustrated and demoralized Football Squad subsequently lost to their University of Texas arch-rivals 48-3.

Said Governor of Texas and Presidential Hopeful George W. Bush, "This stack of Lincoln Logs should have supported at least 40 inebriated undergraduates, but collapsed under the weight of only 28 rambunctious drunks frolicking atop the haphazardly placed timber. This embarrassing failure is unacceptable in an institution of higher education, and brings otherwise low profile collegiate athletic programs into the public limelight".

Other colleges are now following Texas A&M's lead. At the University of Southern California, new restrictions will require Tournament of Roses Parade Floats to be inspected by the National Transportation Safety Board during their assembly, while Master Gardeners administer to the removal of all potentially dangerous thorns.

As an alternative to canceling all Homecoming festivities at American Campuses, these combined directives will set a fundamental precedent; ensuring that all traditionally puerile rituals are alcohol proof and do not pose a safety hazard to the best young minds that America has to offer.

Inspired by the personal sacrifices of their dead classmates, this year's gridiron rematch saw the Aggies defeat the University of Texas 20-16, proving once again that every cloud has a silver lining.

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Man Gets Up on Dance Floor, Can't Get Down

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 11-Dec-99 19:14:02 EST:

EDINBURGH - Jose Martinez, 21, of Dundee has spent the last 26 hours dancing.

Martinez followed the crowd when musicians requested that everybody, "Get up on the dance floor." Unfortunately Martinez was ill-prepared.

Fellow clubber Ian Smithson saw the whole thing.

"I didn't think about it at the time," said Smithson. "But apparently in the excitement Jose rushed out on the floor and forgot to get up with the get down."

Local officials have called in the Mothership for assistance but see no evidence of Gang activity. Early attempts to stop the tunes failed.

"Nobody can stop the music," said visiting entertainer Kiki Dee.

"We've ordered a copy of 'Jungle Boogie' brought in," said club owner Cyril McCorkle. "If all goes well that should provide him with the means to get down."

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Sneaked Chocolate Contains No Calories

by Regina Preciado (preciado@sirius.com) Saturday, 11-Dec-99 19:10:50 EST:

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Women of America, rejoice: Chocolate consumed in secret contains no calories.

Dietary analysts proved the caloric value of "sneaked chocolate" in controlled tests made after an accidental video finding.

A clandestine computer camera set up to spy on the help, caught models and actresses on the Sunset Gower Studios lot in Hollywood repeatedly sneaking off their sets to the catering table. The rail thin women passed up the cauliflower and fat-free salad dressing in favor of Oreos, bite-sized Hershey bars, and Carnation Hot Cocoa Flavored Beverages.

Most of this snacking involved furtive glances over bony shoulders. One long-legged blonde quickly thrust a cookie back into the jar and reached for a celery stick when a producer appeared suddenly from around the corner.

A passing waiter with pockets full of silverware, obscured the model's face as the producer walked away with a plate of red vines, chocolate-chip cookies, muffins, and potato chips. The camera did, however, record the distinctive gesture she made with the middle finger of her right hand.

The food scientists maintain the axiomatic truth that models and actresses do not eat anything that contains calories.

"These women are the barometer for what weight-obsessed American women eat," said one scientist.

So go forth and enjoy the holidays, ladies. Just make sure you're not on camera. Quantum fluctuations make it indeterminate whether camera observation puts the calories back into the chocolate.

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You Have Three Weeks To Live

by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye> (tyedye@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 11-Dec-99 19:22:50 EST:

ARMAGEDDON, Texas - SuBBrilliant News Source Robert Lavelle has disclosed that we all have just three weeks left to live. O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .

"With only two weeks left in the Christmas shopping season, and three until Judgment Day comes, again, the cosmic bits of the universe are now tumbled into alignment and those impatient for redemption need not wait much longer."

Lavelle, a highly respected Creation Scientist from the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School, has determined that on January 1, 2000, the Y2K virus is going to collapse all of the world's economies as a brief prelude to the end of the world. No more diet plans, Internet porn, bank teller lines, New Year's resolutions or cuddly puppy dogs. All those things are going to go the way of the dinosaurs and Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Based upon Lavelle's mathematical interpretation of Revelations, he predicts multi-warheads and loose gossip will fly around unsupervised by God and the doors to sanitariums will be thrown open and everybody will eat everybody else and Pokemons will turn into the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the survival of the fittest will become the law of the land until the antichrist finally forecloses upon the earth.

Within a week, the human race will experience the glorious Rapture, but not until the universe is properly displayed; O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .
Humans have the option of staying and witnessing the carnage to its cataclysmic conclusion, or, as Lavelle and other experts advise, we can convert to Christianity and ascend into Heaven before all Hell really breaks loose. For those who aspire to survive until after the Rapture, Lavelle recommends a one week supply of bottled water, candles, and canned Spam.

Primitive people once believed that "42" was the meaning of the universe. But thanks to dedicated Creation Scientists, we now know that the universe space ends and moves like this: O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .
O This is the Jerry Springer Show
+ This is the crucifix
\/ This is the Virgin labia

$ This is the Saviour
/\ I am the Walrus
= This is the Sum of Sam

Æ This is The End

Using his Holy Ghost Decoder Ring, Lavelle concluded that a proper decrypting of these symbols display that time is indeed preparing to stop and that human beings all share the same mass delusions of a rising Dow Jones Industrial Average.

This objective and humble reporter was convinced by Lavelle's sincerity and lucid arguments. It is of the utmost importance that The People receive this information before it is too late. You must warn your loved ones about the end of the world or simply suggest they subscribe to SuBBrilliant News for updates. O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .

© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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Professional Woman Seeks Myth

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 11-Dec-99 19:28:14 EST:

ST. LOUIS - According to a press release sent to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch late this afternoon, a beautiful, professional woman seeks a single man for a long-term relationship.

The woman, identified only as #1853, is allegedly shapely and slender, self-aware, cultural and well-traveled and would love to be a "kitten" for the right man, described as "handsome, professional, 45-50, mild and wild in bed, generous, respectful, old-fashioned in warmth, kindness and ethics but open-minded and wise."

This mythical, non-existent man should "enjoy dancing, hiking, walking, nature, healthful gourmet food, cooking, good friends, savoring wine over meals, plays, music performances and must be clean and non-critical." In veiled code for "must want to settle down," the woman also requires that potential mates must enjoy "nights by the fire."

Despite the overly-precise and ultra-demanding specifications that this delusional woman lays out, she insists that "control freaks need not apply."

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Santa Sues AOL

Fights Labour Troubles

by Kierkegaard w/Ace Dtect (kierkegaard@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 18-Dec-99 20:18:20 EST:

NORTH POLE - Santa Claus plans to sue the creators of America On- Line, claiming ecommerce has virtually wiped out his toy shop business.

Claus claims that AOL refuses to provide service to the North Pole, leaving him at a competitive disadvantage.

"People can just point, click, and buy toys in an instant. But we're forced to conduct all our correspondence by snail mail because of a lack of connectivity. This is an anti-competitive practice," he said.

In addition, Santa calls links to a so-called "Santa Claus Pen Pal Plac" blatant fraud.

AOL calls Claus's complaints imaginary.

"I'm using the Microsoft suit as a precedent," Claus said, in a break from prepping for the big Christmas holiday.

The North Pole has difficulty staying on the cutting edge of technology. It's small population causes it to be low on multi-national corporation's roll-out lists. The Pole didn't get Windows 95 until 1997.

Claus also said costs are skyrocketing.

"With the labour shortage, qualified elves are hard to find and low unemployment rates have driven hourly wages up. While reindeer are faster than US Mail, they are no competition for private mail carriers, like UPS and Federal Express."

Complicating matters some Elves are threatening union action again. Herbie, toy shop steward, said the elf union (United Brotherhood of Toymakers, Small People and Fairies) will request a large wage increase next year. If talks prove unsuccessful, the elves are planning a walk-out.

"We our Santa's elves. Filling Santa's shelves. But we will use the strength of combined action to demand a return on the profit made from our exploited labour," said Herbie, a former dentist, who quit out of disgust with people's teeth.

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Catch-23 Keeps Joseph Heller Out Of Heaven

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 18-Dec-99 20:16:58 EST:

PURGATORY - Joseph Heller, recently deceased author of a darkly comic 1961 novel whose title became a universal metaphor for the madness of war, is not allowed to enter heaven due to a rule known as "Catch-23."

According to the heavenly rule book, anyone who truly loves God must be allowed into the pearly gates.

The catch is that one must ask forgiveness for one's sins. But anyone who has ever sinned has automatically shown that they don't truly love God and therefore must remain in purgatory.

Michael, spokesman for heaven, said that the Lord may be open to some kind of bargaining, but that Heller doesn't seem willing. "We've approached him a few times to make a little deal, if you know what I mean. But he just sits on his purgatorial cloud, shaking his head, trying to come up with a way in-- or at least an idea for a novel that would finally top his first one."

The whole situation seems to have paralyzed Heller.

"It's crazy," he said. "It just doesn't make sense. Where are the arc-angels of yesteryear?"

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Native Californian Hates Sushi, Likes Fruitcake

by Regina Preciado (preciado@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 18-Dec-99 20:22:04 EST:

LOS ANGELES, CA - A native Californian admitted today that she loves fruitcake and hates sushi, recklessly defying everything California stands for.

"I can't help it," says the native, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I've tried to change. I really have."

This Woman, 28, of Los Angeles knows the danger of deportation out of the country, possibly to San Francisco. She hopes to exploit a loophole in the California Tastes and Behaviours Act which directly targets a fictitious person. The 1975 law prevented Woody Allen's planned move to mend a relationship with Annie Hall.

"I'm not sure about all the ramifications," says Robert "Guillotine" Baker, an attorney who specializes in immigration and naturalization cases. "It comes down to this being a very specialized situation. There's no precedent to laws in California being applied to real people."

Professor Anne Marie Wilkensteinowurtz concurs. "I've researched back to 1849, before sushi or Hollywood was well-known in these parts. But those laws are fairly inscrutable. Most of them lack a good plot or believable charcters."

"I did, however, find several fruitcake recipes, some of which are still in use today. I mean the cakes themselves, not the recipes," she adds.

The Sushi hating native has resigned herself to an uncertain future.

"I own several pairs of Doc Martens. I wear Birkenstocks in public. I'm a vegetarian, I have a navel piercing and a tattoo, and I can say things like 'you might want to check in with your feelings' with a straight face," says the native. "So I do meet most of the requirements. It's just that sushi makes me vomit. And I love those little candied green cubes. What more can I say?"

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Bacteria Create Scientists

by Tom Merritt (tmerritt@subbrilliant.com) Saturday, 18-Dec-99 20:15:37 EST:

While scientists continue to debate the ethics of creating life in the form of bacteria, a group of industrious bacteria have announced the successful laboratory synthesis of a scientist.

A feature in the popular magazine Anaerobic Life reports that a team of bacteria working in secret near an underwater vent synthesized the scientist as the culmination of human genome mapping begun 100,000 years ago, shortly after the evolution of homo sapiens.

"We had a short ethical debate on the matter," said a team leader. "At first we split on the issue, and then those cells just left and we continued our work."

While the bacteria team remained very excited, they warned that this is only the first step.

"The scientist we synthesized is just not viable outside the lab, especially in social situations."

The full paper on the experiment will be published this January in the Journal of Humanology and Immunology.

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Amazon.com Acquires Santa Claus

by Don Bucho (donbucho@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 24-Dec-99 05:31:50 EST:

SEATTLE - In a stunning pre-Christmas move, leading online retailer Amazon.com has purchased the name, infrastructure, and distribution centers of Santa Claus Worldwide Enterprises Limited for 43.8 billion US dollars in stock. Amazon CEO Time Man of the Year, Jeff Bezos made the announcement at 12 noon PST December 23.

"This is a major step bringing Amazon.com closer to the world", Bezos said. "The Claus distribution centers across the globe are the most efficient anywhere, who else can deliver toys in one night for all the children in the world."

Rumors abound that an elf-led contingent brought about the strategic partnershipt. Claus, CEO of Claus Worldwide , had given employee bonuses in the form of stock options, diluting his share of the company to 23.5%.

"We (the elves) have just worked, worked, worked, all these years, it's about time we got some maximized shareholder value," said Elzo Haggis, a veteran elf-employee. "Claus was a great visionary, but he's so 19th Century, no Web strategy or anything, Jeff (Bezos) is going to position us for great things to come."

The North Pole has been no stranger to controversy during the 1990s. Quality issues were raised in 1995 when it was discovered that many elves had taken upper management positions and were hiring cheap labor from Costa Rica and the Phillippines. Also in 1991, a contract was terminated between Claus's organization and an Iowa firm ZZAX after it was discovered that ZZAX was using prison labor to sort and read letters to Santa.

Bezos said he plans to integrate seasonal gift requests to Santa with Amazon's 1-click ordering and the new Z-shops. "One click sends your request to Santa, and then Santa points you to the nearest Z-shop. This is win-win." said Bezos.

Amazon has given Santa 90 days to stop using the Santa Claus name, which is trademark by Claus Worldwide and now owned by Amazon. Bezos also said that Amazon would drop Claus Worldwide's lawsuit against AOL and work to sign a new labour agreement with unhappy union elves as soon as possible.

Claus himself, is working with Dell Computing and has gained US$650M in start up funds for his new online venture.

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Pope Fires LaRussa

Manager Questioned Pontiff's Roster Moves

by Dugwood (dugwood@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 24-Dec-99 05:24:53 EST:

ST. LOUIS - Pope John Paul IV asserted his absolute authority to choose who becomes a Cardinal by firing field manager Tony LaRussa after an hour long closed door meeting in the Vatican.

Angry St. Louisans are comparing the Pontiff to Yankees owner George Steinbrenner for his authoritarian control of the storied Cardinals franchise.

Catholic baseball teachings hold that the Pope has complete discretion over player moves, but Matt Tulis, Professor at Brown University's Institute of Baseball and Theology says that reforms in the past may point to future changes.

"When the Cardinals started putting roster moves on the waiver wire in English rather than Latin, it created a firestorm but also an atmosphere in which even the most esteemed ritual could be questioned," said Tulis.

The controversy has roots back to when Whitey Herzog nailed his starting lineup to the Vatican door in the early 1980s. Although Herzog paid for the move with his life, Tulis believes that his gesture planted the seeds for reform.

LaRussa, meanwhile, was anything but apologetic. "He was putting guys from Poland and Italy in my bullpen," complained La Russa. "These guys don't know a sacrifice from a rosary."

The Pope responded while in Venezuala to bless a fishing boat and a US owned iron mine.

"Young LaRussa will learn, through patient and solitary reflection, that Nardini and Majewski could have retired lefties if given the proper guidance."

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French Love Jerry Lewis, Sex

by Tim Bauer (tbauer@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 24-Dec-99 05:13:19 EST:

WASHINGTON --- A CNN/NBC poll released today found that the French, a non-armpit-shaving ethnic group living in a country called "France" in Western Europe, are often promiscuous and love films by comedian Jerry Lewis.

The French, who wear perfume instead of bathing and subsist on a diet of snails and red wine, brought French fries to America, along with the Statue of Liberty, in or around the time of the American Civil War, according to the poll of 1,400 Americans.

"We had always wondered who made those foreign films," said pollster Adam Campbell. "Apparently, they are created by auteurs, who are French."

But foreign films are doomed to be in short supply, poll data shows, due to high unemployment in France, caused by excessive tax rates that we in America certainly don't want to duplicate. "France is the home of long lines, and no one can get fired, because they have really strong unions," said HMO industry spokesman Bill Neward. "Do you want to have the government tell you whether or not you can get a kidney transplant? That's what government health care will do. Go look at France."

Of course, Neward added, he did not literally mean that you should go look at France, because they are very rude to tourists.

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SuBBrilliant News Interviews Olive the Reindeer

by Regina Preciado (preciado@subbrilliant.com) Friday, 24-Dec-99 05:38:36 EST:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Immortalized in song as a jerk and a bully, Olive the Other Reindeer left Claus Worldwide Enterprises, LLC, in 1940. Formerly an integral part of the Fulfillment and Delivery Department, Olive agreed to break a decades-long silence over Bud Light and fried octopus at San Francisco's Who's Your Daddy.

SBN: So is it true, Claus fired you after the grandma incident?

OLIVE: I wasn't fired, I quit. And that wasn't my fault, she'd been drinking too much eggnog. Stupid old lady, should've paid attention to her grandkid.

SBN: What about the allegations that your leaving had to do with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's joining the department in 1939?

OLIVE: His Portliness (Santa Claus) insisted that if I'd had Rudolph with me in 1940, I never would've creamed the old lady. That's bullshit. The wolfbait would probably have run over her himself. She's not the only one who'd been hitting the nog, if you get my drift.

SBN: How would you describe your relationship with Rudolph?

OLIVE: He's a kiss-ass. Biggest suck-up you ever saw. And Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen, Comet, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen, they're a bunch of two-faced Bambis. We used to get together, have a few beers, laugh and call him names. We were bonded, y'know? A real herd. Then the Big Guy decides that the mutant's the next great marketing strategy, they all start shouting out with glee, and THEN who doesn't get to play in any reindeer games?

SBN: Why did you initially hold such a grudge against Rudolph?

OLIVE: (snorts) He's too small to pull his own weight, much less part of that sleigh. You have any idea how much it weighs, carrying presents for a world full of greedy ingrates? Takes power and speed to make it around the world in just one night.

And that damned nose. It's a beacon to wolves and bears, a flashing neon "come-and-eat-me" sign. Just try to sleep in the bunkhouse with that thing glowing all the time!

Besides, I couldn't stand to hear that damned song of his one more time. I mean, it's Christmas, birth of Christ the Savior, yadda yadda yadda, amen. I wanna hear O Holy Night or Away in a Manger. Now that's Christmas music, songs that meant something!

SBN: Have you kept in touch with Donner or the others?

OLIVE: ( pounds a hoof on the bar.) You want a red nose? I got your red nose right here!

SBN: Any regret about leaving the Claus Foundation? Would you go back?

OLIVE: No way. I mean, sure, it looks pretty sweet, from the outside. Heavy work just one night a year, maybe do a few appearances, photo shoots, that sort of thing for a month or so. But after Rudolph stuck his nose into the thing it just went sour. Took the challenge out of it, the need for skill, y'know?

It was tough there for a while, not much work for a reindeer on the way down. But recently I've done all right day trading online.

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