September 25, 2007
Secret Government Dissapointed at Conspiracy Efforts
(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.
A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.
“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”
Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.
“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”
However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.
“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”
A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.
“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”
Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.
February 27, 2007
Group demands discrimination against February end
(Washington, DC) - A group of protesters clashed with police on the US Capitol Mall over equal rights for months.
Local riot troops sprayed tear gas and used noise cannons to control the crowd that chanted slogans like “28 ain’t so great” and “Whatd do we want? 30 Days When do want ‘em? In February!”
A group called the United Coalition for Equal Treatment of Months organised the protests. Speakers earlier in the day made a case for a longer February.
“February sits as the coldest of months, not because of the weather but because it is surrounded on all sides by artificially inflated bullies known as January and March,” said Dr. Evan Montelbaign from the main stage early in the day. “They say it’s because of leap year. They say it’s tradition. Some even want to blame the moon. I say the time for excuses is over. Give February equal treatment now!”
The crowd was raucous from the beginning but turned ugly in the afternoon when supporters of a return to the Julian calendar showed up and began a counter-demonstration. Police estimate 28 or 29 were injured in the ensuing riot.
Despite the unfortunate turn of events, the coalition still hopes to force congress to pass a resolution taking a day each form January and March and adding it to February by the end of the month.
“If all months were treated equally, we’d have two extra days to fight for this,” said Montelbaign. “Of course, then we wouldn’t need to fight I guess.”
August 3, 2006
Secret World Leaders Miffed at Middle East
The secret world government called a hasty meeting in their buried world headquarters this week, to discuss the turmoil in the middle east.
“This is getting way out of hand. We did not approve this. It should not be happening. Not yet,” said one member of the council.
Among controlling the world economies, developing sitcoms, and flouridating water, the secret world government also schedules wars.
“There was a small skirmish scheduled for around now as I recall but somebody’s getting overenthusiastic. Or at least well ahead of schedule.”
An angry crowd of secret people who run the world filled the secret chambers for the first time since David Hasselhof was created.
“We have unprecedented attendance. Only the undead body of John Kennedy is absent. I believe he’s vacationing in Cuba,” said a spokesperson.
The secret government will debate several alternate proposals and choose a course of action. The plan will be covered up and denied by 5 p.m. Friday.
April 13, 2006
Rice thanks Iran for cooperating
(WASHINGTON DC) 
The Secretary of State for the US finished up statements about Iran by thanking them for cooperating.
“We have had Iran on the drawing board for a preemptive strike for quite awhile but couldn’t put together even the flimsiets of excuses. We kept saying, what could be our hostages?” laughed Rice.
“Man, if we’d been Carter we’d have been in there in two seconds. But now with the enrichment of Uranium, we don’t even need an excuse. It writes itself.”
Rice had taken Iran to task for allegedly defying the UN by continuing with a nuclear program. Her remarks were made off the record and immediatelt sealed as part of national security.
Reporters were told if they ‘printed that crap’ they’d be told they were quoting Rice out of context, that she was at best joking, and they would be stripped of their press identification papers.
Reporters who stated there was no such thing as press identification papers were met with a “You wait” from Ms. Rice.
April 11, 2006
President Bush trying to be Kennedy
(WASHINGTON, DC) - 
President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.