February 19, 2006
God sends Penn Jillette to Hell
(LAS VEGAS) - 
Penn Jillette, the big guy from Penn and Teller, and host of a FreeFM radio show, has been sent straight to Hell, according to God’s spokesperson the Archangel Michael.
“Mr. Jillette found this hard to believe, but God’s been a fan of his for years,” said Michael. “He noticed that producers often cast Mr. Jillette as Satan.”
Michael explained that while God felt Jillette’s portrayal was certainly inspired, it lacked in depth and accuracy.
“Atheists don’t have the hangups that prevent a truly accurate performance of supernatural beings, but they also lack the impulse to research the parts. God’s such a big fan, he just wanted to lend a hand,” said Michael.
Jillette was woken Saturday morning by the Grim Reaper who ushered him into the realme of darkness for a one-hour meeting with Lucifer and a short tour of Hell.
Unlike most assignments, the Grim Reaper had a return trip after the tour was over, bringing Jillette back to Las Vegas.
“It’s really not that far of a trip,” said Reaper.
Jillette was unphased by the experience.
“It didn’t change any of my non-beliefs but it certainly, most definitely, will help in future parts,” said Jillette. “Plus, Satan, and really a lot of people in hell, what would you call them, Hellions? A lot of Hellions are huge fans of Bulls hit, our show on Showtime.”
God is not bothered by Jillette’s lack of faith, according to Michael.
“Look, that’s just Penn being Penn,” explained Michael. “This was just about helping out a member of the entertainment industry, not about conversion. God’s not always trying to do everything at once. He can if he wants to of course, he just doesn’t want to.”
February 5, 2006
God says Mohammed cartoon ‘just not funny’
(Heaven) 
- In his first press conference in months, God spoke out on the recent controversy over a Danish editorial cartoon.
“Far from being offensive, I just don’t think it’s funny,” said the supreme being. “Mohammed’s not oversensitive and he’s not offended. But he’s a quiet guy, so I felt I should try to speak out on this on his behalf. The only reason to protest this cartoon is for lack of creativity. It’s a blasphemy against humour, not against me or my prophet.”
The cartoon depicted Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.
“I mean what’s that?” said God. “Oh I’m so funny. I put a bomb in Mohammed’s turban. Get it? He’s a terrorist? Get it? Yeah, real original. Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.”
God did not take questions but appealed for a modicum of rationality in response to the cartoon.
“If it makes you feel better to go burn a flag, whatever, but don’t let it get out of hand. I mean we don’t see people dying in response to Carrot Top, and he’s not funny either, in my opinion. But do I strike him down with my wrath? No. Come on people. Have some sense of perspective.”
God concluded the conference by announcing he would count the editorial as a sin for cartoonist Kurt Westergaard. “It’s not like it’s mortal or anything but man, bad taste is a sin. Don’t you agree?”
God declined to conduct the normal question and answer session, and reporters resisted leaving until they got more responses. Press spokesperson Michael stepped in and cleared the room by offering to play some tunes on his trumpet.
October 29, 2005
God Suing Christians
(HEAVEN) - Lawyers for God have announced they plan a lawsuit against several Christian groups over copyright violation.
Under current copyright law, the unauthorized use of divine inspiration is a violation of the law. The lawyers say they are gathering evidence from several church sermons and will bring a suit once proper jursdiction is determined.
“We could use the judgement of heaven,” said one lawyer, “but aside form the apparent conflict of interest, transporting witnesses is sort of a one-way trip.”
God did not appear at the announcement but his representative, Archangel Michael, read from a prepared statement.
“All this rubbish about what I created and when and what my will is, has gotten far out of hand. I’ve already brought one suit for defamation but the punishment for that is pretty weak. Thankfully copyright law violation brings punishment worse than murder.”
Defendants have not been named but several church leaders have claimed they will not be targeted.
“Whatever helps them sleep at night,” said one lawyer.
August 26, 2005
Pat Robertson Clarifies Further
(VIRGINIA BEACH) Pat Robertson clarified his remarks about assasination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez today by exploroing the meaning of ‘take out’.
“Now as I’ve said before,” Robertson told the press, “I didn’t mean assasin, I meant take out. So let’s take that as read. When I say ‘assasinate, I MEAN take out.
“Take out has a lot of meanings, some of them very nice. I assasinate my wife for a nice dinner sometimes. You see, I mean ‘take out’. Or I assasinate the kids to a ball game. I ‘take them out’ to the ballgame as the old song says. So you see, assasinate just means something different to me. It’s a cultural thing. So when I say ‘assasinate’ Hugo Chavez, I MIGHT mean we should all go to a ballgame. And I think that’s a very nice sentiment.”
When reporters asked if he was sorry about his remarks Robertson replied, “Yes, I wish I could assainate those remarks from the broadcast. See? There I go again, I MEAN take them out of the broadcast. It’s just me. I’m crazy that way.”
Robertson then went on to assert that the real issue is whether to pronounce Chavez’s last name cha-VEZ or CHA-vez.
“I want to get this right,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to offend the man.”
August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) - In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.