September 11, 2007
Lean-Clean Theory Debunked
(BALTIMORE) - Scientists at the Center for the Study of Labor Dynamics issued a startling report Monday, causing a stir among managers everywhere.
“If you have time to lean,” said Doctor Hillary Silverman, lead author of the report, “it does not necessarily follow that you also have time to clean.”
The report not only proves the old standby of managers everywhere to be false, but also lays out a clear analysis of how much following the adage has cost business over the past 50 years.
“Over $62 billion dollars has been wasted attempting to get employees to clean when they did not have time to do so,” stated Silverman.
The report essentially shows that lean times are limited by a very short interval of moving the body towards a wall and resting on it. The calculated minimal lean time is just under one second.
However cleaning, requires gathering materials, finding the item or area that needs cleaning and making some progress towards actual cleanliness.
“Our report assumed that wiping a cloth over a surface only really counted as cleaning if the surface was no longer dirty after the wiping,” clarified Dr. Silverman.
Minimal clean times could be very short but still calculated at 10 times minimal lean times.
Bert Smugnik, of Smugnik Cleaning Supplies took issue with the report.
“You’re trying to tell me that I should let my employees just stand around? That I’ll make more money if I just let them goof off like a buncha slackers?! Baah! It don’t add up. Eggheads.”
“Look at the wipe limit for chrissakes,” Smugnik pointed out. “They take absolutely no account of whether a surface is less dirty after one wipe. They just throw out the data unless its perfectly clean. I’m sorry but that’s incomplete research.”
Still, some progressive companies like Google Inc. and Halliburton have said they will take the report’s findings to heart and expect to increase earnings as its recommendations are implemented.
August 10, 2006
Chatters not really laughing asses off
(PHILADELPHIA) - A recent study of chatroom and instant message behaviour shows rampant lying in the online world.
90 percent of chatters who claimed in acronym they were rolling on the floor laughing were really just sitting quietly at their computer.
“In fact, most weren’t even laughing. The majority were merely smirking or chucking at best,” said Norm Nordquist of the Institute for Communication Study.
“We found the same thing with LMAO. Not only were the asses firmly connected to the chatters in question, but again, mirthful behaviour was limited.”
Similar numbers were found for AFK, BRB, and JK.
“Over 50 percent of people who said AFK, stayed at the keyboard. A full 60 percent of those claiming to BRB did not come right back. And worst, we found that over 90 percent of JK typers were in fact not kidding at all, but quite serious.”
The Institute has called for remedial actions before the affects of chat-lying become permanent.
“This sort of behaviour could tear our society apart,” said Nordquist. “If we allow it to continue, we could very well see apathy towards government, cultural illiteracy, and the rise of a community that values celebrities more than their neighbours. I shudder at the prospect.”
June 29, 2006
Scientists discover more than two kinds of people
(NEW YORK ) - 
People who believe there are two kinds of people in this world have another thing coming.
A study by the National Institute for Human Behaviour presented a study today that determines there are actually at least four kinds of people in this world and possibly as many as ten.
The Institute did a blind study of 6,000 men and women of all ages asking them what kind of person they were.
“When we began the data analysis, it initially appeared we had 6,000 kinds of people, as if every person was unique. However we knew that couldn’t be true so we refined our definition of “kind” and narrowed down the categories quite quickly,” said lead resaecrh sociologist Maynard Kremska.
“However we haven’t been able to create a definitive list of categories,” added Kremska. “Our regression analysis shows there can be no less than four and no more than ten. Our best guess is that the upper limit is probably caused by a combination of factors in the basic four.”
The study does not reveal what kinds of people make up the categories.
“We have quantitative proofs of the categories but not scientifically rigorous definitions of what the categories actually are,” said Kremska when questioned. “But you can guess them. Cranky, Idealistic, Shy etc.”
The institue hopes to do further study to nail down category definitions and then label everyone.
“We’re imagining a test, sort of like a blood test. You go into an office and get it done in a few minutes,” said Kremska. “If it comes up cranky, then you can let people know that and they’ll give you more slack. Of course, it might also affect your insurance.”
June 27, 2006
Analogy epidemic worsens
(WASHINGTON, DC) - 
Doctors at the National Research Hospital of the Americas announced startling new numbers in the growing epidemic of analogies.
“We’ve seen an overall 32 percent increase in general analogies, with a staggering 57 percent increase in weak analogies and an overwhelming 172 percent increase in Bulk Analogy Deficient (BAD) analogies,” said chief researcher Dr. Amalgam Hoffstadder.
“It would be like if the sea suddenly was filled with turtles and… damn. Excuse me.”
The paper attributes the steep rise to an increasingly complex world.
“Our studies show that as knowledge becomes more specialized, public discussions become more difficult and more frequently fall back on analogy to make points clear. It would be as if you were a caveman and you suddenly met an astronaut… damn.”
The startling rise in BAD analogies seems to come from increasingly desperate rhetorical techniques from proponents of ideological extremism.
“If you have a fundamentalist Christian arguing with a card-toting Communist they’re going to resort to extreme analogies to make them feel they’re winning. That was not an analogy just there. It wasn’t,” said Dr. Hoffstader.
Experts believe we will only see the problem grow as there is currently no incentive to curb analogy usage.
“It would be as if you filled an inner tube with snakes and then threw it off the Empire State Building aiming for a thimble full of whiskey. Oh I give up,” finished Hoffstader.
Some researchers also believe the analogies may be caused by a virus.
November 8, 2005
Kansas restricts teaching of gravity
(TOPEKA, Kansas) - The state of Kansas has approved new science standards for schools that cast doubt on gravity.
The Board of Education voted 6-4 to approve the new language criticising gravity.
Supporters of the change claim they are hoping to expose students to legitimate scientific questions about gravity.
The decision is part of a wide-ranging national debate over the teaching of gravity and intelligent design.
The theory of intelligent design contends that the universe is too complex to be explained by science and must have been created by a higher power.
Current Kansas state standards treat gravity as well-established, a view held by national science groups.
The new standards include several specific challenges, including statements that there is a lack of evidence or natural explanation for gravitons, and charges that quantum theories are inconsistent with the theory of gravity.
It also states that says certain gravitational explanations “are not based on direct observations… and often reflect… inferences from indirect or circumstantial evidence”.
“This is a great day for education,” board chairman Steve Abrams told SuBBrilliant News.
Individual local Kansas community school boards will retain controlover how gravity is taught, but student tests will use the new standards to measure how well schools teach science.
Educators fear pressure will increase in some communities to teach less about gravity or more about intelligent design.