April 11, 2006
President Bush trying to be Kennedy
(WASHINGTON, DC) - 
President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.
February 12, 2006
Vampires reach out to werewolves
(NEW ORLEANS)
- When hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, vampires in the French Quarter were largely spared from the storms ravages. Many of the city’s werewolves were not so lucky. A group of vampires has started an organization to assist werewolves hit hardest by the storm.
“In some ways for vampires it was a nice break,” said one creature of the night. “The crowds were reduced. The city was ours to roam. Of course eating could be problematic, but we got by. I mean we’re immortal for godsakes, so water rationing wasn’t a problem. But werewolves man, they got hit hard.”
Vampires and werewolves are often thought of as natural enemies, a stereotype exploited by movies like Underworld. But vampires say that’s not so.
“Mostly we just leave each other alone. It’s not so much hostility, as professional indifference.”
A large number of werewolves lived in the 9th ward, and hunted near Lake Pontchartrain, two of the hardest hit areas. An estimated 750 werewolves have been displaced, while the number of vampires in the same situation numbers in the teens.
That’s why a group of vampires has started the “Fangs for Friends Foundation” to give assistance to werewolves.
“The relief efforts for humans is sorely lacking already. There’s absolutely nobody taking care of creatures that hunt by night and hide their true nature. So we’re stepping up,” said one vampire.
Some werewolves don’t yet trust the vampires’ offer. A werewolf who wishes to be identified only as Tim has agreed to help bridge the gap between the two groups.
“I’ll admit I was suspicious at first,” said Tim. “But so far the vampires have been great. They’ve provided food and shelter and have even created a hunting preserve with well-stocked wildlife for moonlit nights. I know a lot of werewolves are still resistant to the idea, afraid it’s some kind of trick, but I invite them to talk to me or any werewolf whose particpated. This is exactly what we need to get our community back on its feet.”
Around 100 werewolves have already participated and mostly give the same glowing reviews as Tim. Interested werewolves are encouraged to call New Orleans municipal supernatural information services for more information.
New Yorker discovers America
(OUTSIDE NEW YORK) - 
Vinnie Columbino accidentally boarded the wrong transit vehicle Friday night and ended up outside of New York City, discovering a whole new world.
“I was so worried at first, but after I realised what I’d found, I couldn’t wait to get back to tell my brother Eddie,” said an ecstatic Columbino. “I was so dang dru..tired, that I got on a frickin’ Greyhound bus. I know! Only losers ride the bus, but there I was.”
As soon as Columbino realised what was happening, he tried to get the bus to turn around.
“I kinda woke up and looked out the window and realised I wasn’t in Queens. I didn’t know where the hell I was. All I saw were parks everywhere. At least I think they were parks. I’ve never seen such big parks. I mean these things never ended. They were at least 30 times the size of Central Park, with these big monster trucks parked in them every so often.”
Columbino got off the bus at the next stop in the city of Bedford.
“I mean you could hardly call it a city. It looked like somebody took a slice of Brooklyn and plopped it down int he middle of nowhere.”
Columbino calls the area ‘America,’ and reports that the people there live much like we do, driving cars, watching television, and eating in restaurants.
“But it’s so much less crowded there. The natives speak a different language though. I tried communicating but they couldn’t understand freakin’ English, man. I had to use sign language to figure out how to get back to the city. It’s like they couldn’t understand a thing I said.”
Columbino plans to make preparations for a second voyage to ‘America’. He also hopes to develop trade relations and try to introduce some culture.
“They have no idea what a Canolli is. Or a Reuben. I feel a responsibility to civilise them. Who knows how many more of them there are outside the known world.”
Columbino’s brother will accompany him, hoping to prove his theory that some places seen on TV shows may in fact be based on secret knowledge places in ‘America.’
February 3, 2006
Pentagon asks for increase in offense budget
(ARLINGTON, VA) - 
Pentagon spokespersons unveiled the latest budget request for US military expenditures, including the largest ever increase in the offense budget.
“Defense spending has been the topic of much discussion for some time,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But with the increasing amounts of non-linear strategic entanglements we are forced to engage in, we need to look at our offense budget as well.”
According to military historians, the offense budget was severely slashed along with the renaming of the department of war to the department of defense. The budget has never recovered.
“For years the US pursued a policy of only fighting to defend it’s interests. But with the increase in preemptive actions like Iraq, we can’t continue to borrow from the defense budget for offensive measures,” continued the spokesperson.
Increased offense spending has been criticised roundly by critics who say the best offense is a good defense. But the Pentagon feels that isn’t always true.
“Those critics are paid to criticise things. And while sometimes the best offense is a good defense, you have to remember that good pitching also beats good hitting, sometimes the big bats can prevail. So you wouldn’t not sign any scorers for your hockey team if you want to beat the Lakers now would you?” asked the Pentagon.
Critics said they weren’t sure where to begin and the pentagon responded quickly with, “No more questions.”
February 1, 2006
Tim Kaine puts nation at risk, to sleep
The 
newly elected governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, Timothy Kaine, put the nation in grave danger Tuesday night during his response to the President’s state of the union address.
While hardened analysts were able to discuss the points of Kaine’s speech, most of the nation including police and security forces were put to sleep by the absolue lack of charisma delivered by the Governor.
“The Governor created a rare rehtorical field known as a NeCA or Negative Charismatic Area,” said SuBBrilliant University scientists. “It began by creating a thin linear distribution of reasonable but uncontroversial objections, and then expanded into an event horizon of sleep-inducing lethargy by subtracting charismatic ions from the area surrounding the camera. Oddly televisions amplified the effect. Radio listeners were only put in a slight fugue state, while TV watchers generally nodded off soundly.”
Democrats hoped the southern governor in a Republican state would add emphasis to their parties official retort. Instead most of the country was unaware the Democrats had even spoken.
Republicans roundly criticised the Governor’s speech for putting the country in danger of attack while everyone slumbered.
“I find it not only irresponsible, but suspicious that the Democrats would put such a man in front of national television,” said Republican spokesperson Bill Smith.