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SuBBrilliant News Archives- January 1997 

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    Gates Declares War!

    Jan. 28, 1997 Submitted by Ru$putin
    (Washington, DC) All around the country, desktops are erupting in war. IBM’s illegal new version of the OS/2 operating system, OS/2 Liberation, has reportedly been installed on PC’s nationwide, threatening Micro$oft’s hold on the nation’s computers. Not to be vanquished easily, though, the Windows Final Solution architecture has been programmed to respond to such a threat by literally waging war against the OS/2 startup files.

    The result of this bitter corporate battle is that millions of Americans started their business day by watching waves of “red” lines of code scroll across their screens battling the invading “blue” code. The battle continues to rage on, without a single decisive victory for either side. Micro$oft’s Power Point fell early in the engagement to a crack squadron of Quattro Pro Commandos. But Micro$oft forces rallied behind Word for Windows Final Solution, which eventually defeated the WordPerfect Brigade, despite assistance from the WordStar Reserves.

    The nation is at a standstill pending the outcome of this destructive conflict. Travel by air, land and sea has screeched to a halt without the support of traffic control computers.

    Virtually every mode of communication has been wiped out as well. In a statement issued today via radio and television, a haggard looking Gates urged the nation to remain calm. “Micro$oft will prevail,” Gates said. “Our forces are better trained, better equipped, and quite frankly, we outnumber those blue bastards. The Road Ahead leads to victory for Micro$oft and America. Though there is destruction on every computer on every desk, in every home, we can pull through together. One Micro$oft Nation under Gates.”

    Critics of the Chairman speculate anonymously via E-mail that he will have some serious explaining to do for declaring war without the consent of Congress. He has some leeway, though, since Congress has been off-line all day, and it may be some time before the Congresspeople are re-booted.

    President Clinton, as well, has been unavailable for comment. Spokespeople for the President say he has taken the news of this disaster rather heavily. In the words of one top aide, the President has “crashed” and may be available for comment sometime tomorrow. Microsoft has urged everyone to stay away from their computers until the danger has passed. No desktop is safe until thi#$% confli)(ct is !@ver. AN at562$^%empt to contact Micro$h%^_--_t to veri%^fy this report met with no succe$^%S. Even THE Micro$oft comp^$?ers seem to have bEEn affect!ed by t%$e co*><flict. %&^%GJ &%# ?:&^$886”H45gb^TN”P*&%$%nm:”|?>Pm%#$i

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    Gingrich Not Child's Play

    Jan. 26, 1997 Submitted by Maxlap
    (New York) An appearance by House Speaker Newt Gingrich on the popular PBS children's program "Sesame Street" turned ugly and ended with Gingrich unsuccessfully attempting to wrestle Big Bird to the ground.

    The appearance, coming in the wake of a politically damaging ethics investigation, was ostensibly so Mr. Gingrich (R-Hell) could discuss civics and good government with children, a cause he has promoted throughout his career and that, ironically, was the source of his ethical problems. However, according to the program's producers, the show's theme (of which Mr. Gingrich was apparently unaware) was, "Why it is Bad to Tell Lies."

    Sesame Street star Big Bird introduced Mr. Gingrich shortly after a lesson on the alphabet; Mr. Gingrich was, along with giraffes and green beans, a "thing that begins with the letter G." Upon entering the set, designed as a New York street scene, Mr. Gingrich attempted to explain the inner workings of the House Ethics Committee and federal wiretapping laws to the audience of mostly eight- and nine year old children.

    Big Bird, however, offered an alternative explanation. While placing his yellow feathered hands on Mr. Gingrich's shoulders, he asked the children, "Do we all know what it means to tell lies?" He continued, in a playful voice, "You see, kids, Mr. Gingrich took people's money and told them it was for charity. But then he used it to teach college students about how great he was. And then, when Congress asked him about it, he lied!" As the children booed, Mr. Gingrich muttered under his breath, "What the hell are you doing to me, you goddamned freak?"

    Undeterred, Big Bird continued, "Now, because Mr. Gingrich was bad and didn't tell the truth, he has to pay a $300,000 fine. What do we say to Mr. Gingrich?" The children and Big Bird replied in unison, "Shame, Shame, Mr. Gingrich." A clearly annoyed Mr. Gingrich countered, "It's not a fine, kids, it's reimbursement, OK?"

    While Big Bird continued to shame Gingrich, one of the children in the audience, identified later as nine year old Jamal Hawkins of the Bronx, stood up and told the Speaker, "My daddy says that if you ever step foot in our neighborhood he's going to kick your big fat white ass back to Georgia."

    What occurred next is in dispute, but apparently Jamal's comment was the last straw for Mr. Gingrich. According to witnesses, Mr. Gingrich screamed, "This wasn't part of the deal, Big Bird!" and lunged at the yellow-feathered icon of children's television, tackling him to the ground and placing his hands around the bird's beak in an apparent attempt to strangle him.

    Big Bird, who is a full two feet taller than the Speaker and in much better physical shape, soon overpowered the rotund Mr. Gingrich and punched him several times, exclaiming, "Cut my funding, huh? Orphanages, huh?" At one point, Big Bird kicked Mr. Gingrich in his nether regions and screamed, "Here's your downsizing government, Newt."

    Gordon, the only non-puppet cast member, was unable to break up the fracas, causing a Sesame Street staff member to run through PBS's New York studios to find anyone available to restrain Big Bird and Mr. Gingrich. Eventually, the two were separated by Jim Lehrer, host of "The News Hour with Jim Lehrer," and "French Chef" star Julia Child, who tranquilized Mr. Gingrich with a pot of rancid fondue.

    Mr. Gingrich was treated for minor wounds at St. Vincent's Medical Center and was later released. Doctors said Big Bird's feathers ameliorated what might have been more severe injuries.

    In Washington, Tony Blobley, Mr. Gingrich's spokesperson, remained defiant. "Let's not kid around here," he told reporters. "I know, I know what you're all thinking, 'Oh, Sesame Street, boo-hoo.' But the fact is, that bird and those little punks are part of a sophisticated, calculated, and ultimately manipulative Machiavellian effort to bring down the Speaker and his goal of saving civilization."

    A PBS spokesperson was more subdued. "Obviously, we're concerned," he said, adding that former congressman Bob Dornan was scheduled to appear next week with Elmo.

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    U.S. Credit Rating in Danger

    Jan. 29, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect
    (Washington, DC) According to a recently illegally tapped phone conversation from within the White House, the US credit rating may be in grave danger. The following is a transcript of a tape forwarded to SBN by an unnamed source

    "Hello, may I speak with Mr. William J. Clinton please?" After several attempts to find out who was calling and how they'd gotten the number, Hillary handed the phone to her husband.

    "Sir, this is the Eduserv Collection Agency. Your account has been given to us by the United Nations for collection of a debt of $1.3 billion. Sir, your time for repayment expired several decades ago. We would like to set up a payment plan or we will have to garnish your wages."

    "But this is a mistake. My friend Newt will be getting us the money. Besides the debt was racked up by my predecessors not me. I feel your pain."

    "Sir, where you get the money is not our business, however the account is in your name and you are liable for the whole of the debt. May I advise you, this call is being recorded and may be used against you in a court of law. Now sir when can you make the first payment of $500 million."

    The call continued with President Clinton insisting he would get thim the money as soon as Newt let him have it but she should really talk to the U.S. Congress. The Collection Agent advised Mr. Clinton that she would be talking to his employer the United States of America about garnishing his and others wages and she was sorry that he was not being more cooperative.

    Mr. Clinton immediately started calling around to friends and family to come up with some cash to appease the Collection Agency. While the details of the phone call have been confirmed, rumours that Mr. Clinton was approached outside a DC McDonald's by two men in trench coats and light blue fedora's is unconfirmed at this time.

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    Ebonics Loses Grant Fight

    Jan. 28, 1997, Submitted by Ace Dtect
    (Alexandria, VA) Approval for a federal grant for foreign language education caused quite a stir today when Bionics edged out Ebonics for a $1.2 million grant. Spokespersons for the California schools who had been hoping for a second wind intheir attempt to win grant money for ebonics, a black dialect of English, refused to comment.

    However Jason Austin of the Bionics Institute reported gleefully, "We knew we had it on them. Using our bionic eyes and ears we could gather a lot more information for a lobbying effort."

    Bionics is defined in the grant application as, "...the language specifically spoken by those associated or extreme fans of the 6 Million Dollar Man. Grammar can be extremely different than standard English such as the use of the word 'bionic' as a verb and the existence of a distinct vocabulary and pronunciation system including the unique sound made by the shows stars when they use their bionic powers.

    Bionics is the spoken language of at least 3 people who hang around with Jason Austin in his rich parents boat. They constantly watch the 6 Million Dollar Man as well as Hogan's Heroes. Signs in Austin's home town of Kennebunkport, Maine will now be required to be posted in both English and Bionics and Austin and his fellow Bionophones will be instructed once a day in Bionics by Professor Harold Rutland from the University of Maine.

    "The boys are way cool," said Rutland, professor of pop culture, "they really got the grant approved. I guess if you have rich parents and you don't snort it all up your nose you CAN do something with your life."

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    Drugs to Be Legalized?

    Jan. 28, 1997, submitted by Rusputin
    (Washington, DC) Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalala, announced a plan which she hopes will bring an end to the exhaustive war on drugs.

    “Legalize it,” she chanted in a press conference at the White House. “Obviously people want their drugs. So we’re going to give ‘em to them.” Shalala’s plan calls for a bill that will immediately legalize every controlled substance from marijuana to LSD. These substances will be available at any participating merchant, and no federal tax will be levied.

    “We don’t want people to think that we’re in it for the money,” Shalala said. “C’mon, we’re politicians!” The bill does have one unusual catch. Borrowed from the Brady Handgun Act, the “Bell Bottom Bill” as this is being called, will institute a five day waiting period for anyone wishing to purchase a psychoactive product.

    “We want to give people a chance to change their mind. You know a lot of people get to feeling bad, and go out and buy drugs that they really don’t need. We hope that this ‘cooling off’ period will allow people to take a better look at themselves, and maybe make the right decision.”

    The President, contacted via the Internet, expressed his reluctant support for the Bill. “I think it has merit,” Clinton said. “But perhaps we should consider revising it.” When asked if this bill would have any effect on the growing crime rate, the Secretary seemed hopeful. “Well sure. The infrastructure for dispensing this product is already in place, and those convicts and lowlifes are a part of it. We’re going to put these wrongdoers to work. We want drug production up, and we hope that when the people are presented with a cheaper, locally made product, they’ll Buy American and make this country strong again. I guess, in a way that means we’ll have criminals working for the government. Won’t that be something?”

    Cigarette conglomerate R. J. Reynolds has already unveiled a marketing strategy for its “Marlboro” brand of crack cocaine. “The first one’s free,” said R. J. Reynolds spokesman A. Jack Haas. “Then we’ll crank up the price once they’re addicted. We’re taking a risk with this one, but we hope it will work.”

    The Bell Bottom Bill is set to go before Congress next week, and most Congresspeople contacted this morning were against the it. Strangely, though, after a meeting held with R. J. Reynolds, those same Congresspeople changed their minds, and were out lobbying for the bill this afteernoon.

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    U.S. Credit Rating in Danger

    Jan. 29, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect
    (Washington, DC) According to a recently illegally tapped phone conversation from within the White House, the US credit rating may be in grave danger. The following is a transcript of a tape forwarded to SBN by an unnamed source

    "Hello, may I speak with Mr. William J. Clinton please?" After several attempts to find out who was calling and how they'd gotten the number, Hillary handed the phone to her husband.

    "Sir, this is the Eduserv Collection Agency. Your account has been given to us by the United Nations for collection of a debt of $1.3 billion. Sir, your time for repayment expired several decades ago. We would like to set up a payment plan or we will have to garnish your wages."

    "But this is a mistake. My friend Newt will be getting us the money. Besides the debt was racked up by my predecessors not me. I feel your pain."

    "Sir, where you get the money is not our business, however the account is in your name and you are liable for the whole of the debt. May I advise you, this call is being recorded and may be used against you in a court of law. Now sir when can you make the first payment of $500 million."

    The call continued with President Clinton insisting he would get thim the money as soon as Newt let him have it but she should really talk to the U.S. Congress. The Collection Agent advised Mr. Clinton that she would be talking to his employer the United States of America about garnishing his and others wages and she was sorry that he was not being more cooperative.

    Mr. Clinton immediately started calling around to friends and family to come up with some cash to appease the Collection Agency. While the details of the phone call have been confirmed, rumours that Mr. Clinton was approached outside a DC McDonald's by two men in trench coats and light blue fedora's is unconfirmed at this time.

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    IBM Challenges Microsoft

    January 21, 1997
    submitted by Rusputin
    (New York) Today IBM unveiled the prototype of the latest installment of their OS/2 operating system. Dubbed “OS/2 Liberation,” this version claims to be “...almost as good as Windows Final Solution,” according to IBM spokesperson Laurence Wyzaker.

    Coming quickly on the heels of a rumour that the terrorist group DLL is actually a division of IBM, experts speculate on the motives behind OS/2 Liberation. “They’re taking a big risk,” said SBN source 'Deep Modem.'

    “We are now living under a Totalitarian Regime, and flying in the face of that Regime, i.e. Chairman Gates, is suicide. IBM must have someone big in their corner.” No one can say who that person may be.

    Set for release on January 31, or “DLL-Day” as IBM is calling it, in honor of their favorite parking garage, OS/2 Liberation reportedly operates similarly to Windows Final Solution. Liberation will sweep through your desktop, routing out any lurking Microsoft, applications and will hold them in isolated archives to be dealt with at a later time.

    Two add-ons will be available soon that will enhance the performance of OS/2L. The “Nuremberg” add-on will analyze the Microsoft code to determine if the captive applications have violated your desktop, and the “Marshall” add-on will reseat the Microsoft applications on your desktop, and gradually allocate enough resources so that these applications may once again regain control.

    Chairman Gates responded gracefully, saying “Competition has always been a cornerstone of American Democracy. That’s why I’ll be renaming this country ‘The Microsoft Nation’ and issuing a new constitution tomorrow morning.” Constitution 2.0 will proclaim it an “Act of Treason” to do, say or think anything harmful to Microsoft. Political analysts 2.1 unanimously applaud this move by Gates.

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    Who Is That Masked Governor?

    Jan. 20, 1997
    Contributed by Maxlap
    Early Sunday morning, I received a knock on the back door of the SBN staff office and found a man with a white pillowcase over his head standing outside. He informed me he wanted to remain anonymous but would grant us an interview. I told the governor that would be no problem and we commenced to talking through his hat.

    (SACRAMENTO): MAXLAP: Governor, first of all, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.

    MASKED GOVERNOR: No problem.

    M: We know your days are very busy.

    MG: Yeah, well, it's not like I'm one of these welfare mamas sitting on my ass all day.

    M: Yes, well, let's talk about immigration. You have pushed to end benefits and public schooling to illegal immigrants, yet you yourself hired an illegal immigrant nanny. Is this unfair?

    MG: I understand the concern. And its true that some in the liberal media have used this against me. So I'd like to set the record straight that the minute I found out that Marta didn't have her papers, I put her on the first bus to Tijuana.

    M: Oh, Really?

    MG: Well, after she did the windows. We had a party that night. Actually, come to think of it, I don't think Marta came from Mexico. I think she came from the Philippines. But hey, it's six and one, half dozen or the other, right?

    M: Uh, yeah. Now, the last election showed a surge in Latino voting, resulting in Cruz Bustamonte as the first Latino Speaker of the California Assembly. Do you view Mr. Bustamonte's election as historic?

    MG: I do, but not because he's Mexican. It's just that his name is so much fun to say. Listen to it: Boost-ah-mon-tay. Kind of just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? I mean all the previous speakers have had such boring names. Brown. How dull. And Pringle--well, that's a potato chip, not a legislative leader. So yes, I think Cruz Bustamonte's election is historic for California.

    M: Should there be more Latinos in state government?

    MG: Those people? God no.

    M: You proposed recently that poor women or women on welfare should give their children up for adoption. Is this insensitive?

    MG: Insensitive? No. Why?

    M: One is reminded of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," in which he proposed solving the problem of hungry children by eating them.

    MG: Eating them? Hmmmmm ..... Naaah, that won't play well in the suburbs.

    M: What is your stand on the renomination of Los Angeles Police Chief Willie Williams? Do you feel he deserves a second term?

    MG: Well, I don't know .... Williams. He's the black guy, right?

    M: Correct.

    MG: Fuck him.

    M: Pardon?

    MG: Let him rot. End of story.

    M: Pete O'Malley has announced that he's selling the Los Angeles Dodgers. There is a strong possibility that the second-largest city in the nation will lose its only baseball franchise like it has lost its two football franchises. Are you worried, or are you content like most Angelenos to sit in some coffee bar moaning about it over a cappucino before changing the discussion to one over the lastest "Who's Boffing Whom" article in Buzz?

    MG: Well, I have mixed feelings about the Dodgers. In particular, Walter O'Malley. Now here's a man who turned his back on his team's hometown, Brooklyn, without batting an eye. You have to admire that. On the other hand, Jackie Robinson. Need I say more?

    M: Governor, you have built your career on race-baiting, punishing children, trashing the environment, and immigrant bashing. Can anyone come to the conclusion that you anything besides a repugnant murky sludge not unlike that found in the "air" above Los Angeles?

    M: I just want to say that, far from being divisive, I believe that anyone is welcome in California. All you have to do is work hard, play by the rules, and trace your ancestors back to the Mayflower.

    With that the masked man threw his bottle of fresh spring water to the floor and stalked back out into the naked morning, leaving us all wondering whether he was really there at all.

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    January 21, 1997
    Contributed by Gutwood
    In a startling development evoking images of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Keith Moon, and that guy from Metallica, controversial Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina died at 3:42 am on January 18 after choking on his own vomit.

    After his death was announced, his friends and colleagues came forward with the ugly truth of the past few months. His top legislative aide Bernard Lackey commented: "I've spent more time with him than anyone since it all started. He's been in bad shape – popping pills, making me tie his arm for the smack, smoking joints by the dumpster outside of the Dirksen office building."

    Those close to him painted a grim picture of drugs, liquor, and parties with famous rock stars. "He never let his bottle of George Dickel out of his hands – a Southern gentleman to the end," said Senator Strom Thurmond (R-Alabama). Phil Gramm, Trent Lott and me tried an intervention a week or so ago, but the young coot just wouldn't listen. Everything was Cheetos, rocks, bong hits, you name it. He said we were missing the boat. Now he's sailing through St. Peter's gate."

    Lackey reminisced about Helms' final legislative efforts, including one bill that would have provided for a mandatory minimum prison sentence for anyone who didn't smoke crack. "He was serious," said Lackey, "he wouldn't even allow a friendly amendment from Kennedy to include acid and pot. Law and order all the way."

    The death occurred just days after Helms moved to the liberal college town of Chapel Hill, a city he once derided as "full of commies, pinkos, lefties, reds, and queers." Helms sat in the back seat of a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass, waiting in the drive- through line at Taco Bell when the final episode began. "He used to eat 15, 16 burrito supremes a day," recalled Lackey.

    The others in the car, known only to Lackey as "wazzup," "sweetie pie," and "the Taz," pushed Helms out of the car at the emergency room of a local hospital, then sped away.

    President Clinton responded to Helms' death in his weekly radio address. "As we move towards the 21stCentury, let this true American hero's death be a warning to the children of America: if you're wasted, put your head between your knees."

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    AOL Falling Through the Internet

    Internet Ecologist's "Not Worried"

    January 19, 1997
    Submitted by Rusputin
    (Vienna, Virginia) The Internet Protection Agency announced that it will file criminal charges against the Internet Service Provider America Online, citing its “blatant disregard” for the integrity of the Internet.

    A slight depression in the fabric of the Net was discovered when AOL first began offering Internet services. The depression quickly turned into a tear in the Net, into which AOL is now sinking.

    “This is what happens when you get too many people together on one server,” said Internet Ecologist Rico Heywood. “Frankly, we’re not too worried about AOL. Nobody here really likes them anyway. But with a hole that big in the Internet, some innocent servers are bound to be dragged in behind them when they go.” Many experts are pointing the finger at the IPA, blaming them for “slacking off” and not noticing the problem in time.

    “That’s not quite fair,” replied Heywood, as he tossed back a Rolling Rock while playing Disc Golf. “Technically, there shouldn’t have been any problem letting AOL onto the Net. We knew it would be tough, like squeezing the QE2 through the Panama Canal, but we didn’t expect this problem. They just kept getting bigger and bigger. By the time we realized we weren’t just seeing things, we were so baked we couldn’t find the phone. So it was a few days before the word got out.”

    The IPA is discussing several options to correct this problem. The most promising is a plan that would remove a number of subscribers from AOL and temporarily transplant them to Prodigy, AOL’s lesser know “cousin” in the online world. AOL spokespeople say they aren’t worried at all about the prospect of falling out of the Net. “There’s gotta be something down there,” said AOL President Steve Case. “We’ll just start our own network when we land. We’ll have an exclusive market.” The IPA gives the Online giant less than six weeks before they sink, although an exact estimate is impossible to reach.

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    Germany Loves Scientologists!


    Who Doesn't!?

    January 17, 1997
    Submitted by Rusputin
    (Berlin, Germany) Despite the growing controversy over Scientology in Germany, German Chancellor, Helmut Kohl, issued a statement saying “We love our Scientologists.” This statement comes in the wake of protests against Germany by major Hollywood stars like John Travolta and Tom Cruise, both Scientologists.

    The treatment of Scientologists has even engaged the attention of non-Scientologist world power and Baywatch star, DAVID HASSELHOFF INC. “Germans love David Hasselhoff,” announced Chancellor Kohl. “And if the Scientologists are friends of David’s, then they’re friends of Germany.” HASSELHOFF is the star and creative force behind two shows, Knight Rider and Baywatch, that have become major hits in Germany, despite near misses in the states.

    HASSELHOFF has also become a behind the scenes power in world events, forcing the recent Palestinian-Israeli agrrement over Hebron. He has now turned his attention to the plight of German Scientologists.

    “I really don’t know much about Scientology, but when I see people in trouble, I do what I can.” HASSELHOFF plans to go to Germany himself, and lead the Scientologists to “a safer place.” “There’s a place out there for these people,” HE said , now sporting a long, white beard. “A place flowing with milk and Dianetics. Its been promised to them, and I’m going to take them there. Anyone who gets in my way is going to be in a world of hurt.” The “place” HASSELHOFF refers to is in fact the L. Ron Hubbard Center for Scientology in [DELETED BY UNKNOWN INFILTARTORS]. HASSELHOFF believes the journey may take as long as forty years.

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    Kamikaze Pilot Celebrates 100th Birthday


    January 16, 1997
    submitted by Rusputin
    (Hawaii) Yukio Nutsumi originally of Tokyo, Japan turned one hundred today, and friends of the man say he hopes this year will be his last. "Course he's been saying that for over fifty years," said Army corporal, Baxter Heckler, whose current assignment is to informally escort Mr. Nutsumi.

    The Japanese pilot was captured on the ground at Pearl Harbor, after his plane failed to explode on impact on December 7, 1941. He was held captive by the U.S. Government until the Japanese surrendered in 1945. Nutsumi, however, refused to go home. "They would not have me," said Nutsumi through an interpreter. "In the eyes of my people, I have failed my mission. I am less than a man."

    For fifty-two years, Nutsumi has tried almost every means possible to complete his mission, so far without any luck. "Hell, he's crashed cars, busses, you name it," stated Corporal Heckler. "One day in eighty-eight he rode a bicycle straight into the wall of the Federal building in Honolulu. Landed himself in the hospital, but he hasn't died yet."

    Government officials don't appear to be concerned about having a self-proclaimed enemy saboteur running loose on the island. Aside from the army escort, no precaution has been taken against an attack by the last of the Kamikazes. "He's caused a few minor traffic bungles, but that's about it," said Heckler. "In all these years, he hasn't killed a single person. Not even himself. We're all rooting for him, though. Maybe ninety-seven will be his year."

    The Japanese government refused to comment about Nutsumi's mission, stating "We know of no one by that name."

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    Subbrilliant News Jan. 17, 1997


    contributed by Gutwood
    (Chicago) The Chicago White Sox today signed Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates to a one-year $475 million contract.

    "We are very pleased," announced White Sox Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, "to have the active career leader in home runs, RBI, batting average, stolen bases, slugging percentage, on base percentage, game-winning hits, doubles, and triples on the offensive side, and ERA, strikeouts, wins, strikeout-to-walk ratio, and innings pitched, as a pitcher. Oh, and by the way, he is also the active career leader in fielding percentage and assists by an outfielder and infielder. And he gives a mighty nasty hotfoot.

    "For any of you that are skeptical because Gates has never played a major league game," continued Reinsdorf, "just look it up on any one of those computer statistic services—he’s the complete ballplayer. For any of you that are skeptical because he’s a little limp-wristed pansy, well, has he got a surprise for you."

    Because of the terrorist explosion at the Microsoft corporate headquarters in Redmond, WA, Gates appeared at the press conference through a chat room and offered a rationale for this action.

    "I’ve never made this public, but I’m an embittered, failed ballplayer. In fact, I actually wrote "Mein Struggle Ahead" well before I founded Microsoft. I was in prison because I tried to take over a sports bar in an attempt to let all the scouts know my side of the story.

    "I have extracted Ted Williams eyes’, famous for their 40/20 vision. I also now have Nolan Ryan’s arm, and Hank Aaron’s body. I wanted Roberto Clemente’s, but he’s been dead for years."

    Responding to questions about forcefully extracting body parts from living human beings, Gates responded angrily, "This is the wave of the future. If you try to stop me I will roll over your armies as if it were the Dutch resistance. Besides, what the hell are those dumb hicks gonna do about it?"

    The usually tightfisted Reinsdorf explained his motives for taking such a big risk: "I, uh, got a call from the Mayor."

    Mayor Daley, when asked about this call, said, "I, uh, got a call from the President."

    When asked about his call to the Chicago mayor, President Clinton said, "In our journey to the 21st Century, I know what this country needs is a genius like Bill Gates to do whatever he feels like doing."

    Response from around the league has been positive. Bud Selig, owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and acting commissar for life, said he had always admired the way Gates did business.

    Marge Schott, the controversial owner of the Cincinatti Reds, said, "Gates was good to start off with, but then he just went too far."

    Gates predicted the White Sox will "eliminate" their AL Central competition well before the All-Star break.

    [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to January Contents] [Top]

    A Look Back: SBN 1/17/1662

    A letter from Ace Dtect
    (Swansea, Wales) Hello readers. I thought I'd take time out from my busy schedule to reflect on the past. 335 years of hard work and detrmination have made the SuBBrilliant News one of the greatest acievements in the history of journalism. I remember when I fished Rusputin and Gutwood out of the gutters of Richmond, Virginia and gave them a new lease on life. The year was 1662 and I had a vision. But I was drunk so we won't mention that.

    When I sobered up I found myself surrounded by the riff raff I'd dragged out of the gutters of Richmond and they stank. But the knew the inside scoop. Richmond in those days was a hotbed of activity with small mice and bigger women running rampant like roaches fleeing a spray-can of raid. There was high talk and liberty in the air but not many people noticed. It was then that I decided to start Colonial Virginia's first on-line service. I knew I had to get a jump on Bill Gates who was still wandering the forests of what would one day become Washington State.

    It was a hard road for many years with few readers and no computers. But we made it and he we are with many subscribers worldwide and reporters in over 50 countries, spanning the globe in a net that can't fail to drag in the best stories that the others are afraid to report. Thanks for your support and don't be afraid to drop me a line any time at acedtect@subbrilliant.com. Your comments are read by me and passed along to the appropriate authorities, or printed, or laughed at but in any case we do look at them all so please correspond.

    I can't remember why I started this column now but I'm sure I wouldn't mind if I wished you well and told you to watch out for small birds on wires directly above your hatless head. What?


    Ace Dtect

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    Subbrilliant News January 15, 1997

    Sure Cure for those Winter Munchies

    Contributed by Rusputin
    (Austin, Texas) When the last of the holiday turkey is gone, and that spiral-cut ham is no longer the color it's supposed to be, it may seem that its time to return to dinner-time drudgery. "Not so!" says area chef, Jeffrey Donner. "The cure for your supper-time blues is as close as your own living room!"

    Donner, whose recipes have appeared to much acclaim in Polynesian Living Today and in his latest collection Having Friends for Dinner, claims that the only thing keeping us from endless cooking possibilities is a closed mind.

    "People just refuse to accept that they have other choices," says Donner. "There's beef, there's chicken, there's fish and that's it for most people." But that's not true for Donner. While shipwrecked on an uncharted island in the South Pacific, Donner was introduced by the islands natives to an amazing culinary delight that's at once exotic and easily accessible.

    "Human," Donner proclaims proudly. "Or, as the Polynesians call it 'Long Pig.' Since returning from the island, Donner has dedicated his life to spreading the word about this fabulous and inexpensive meat. "Your first response may be to dismiss it, saying 'This tastes just like Pork.' But that's not so. The differences are subtle, but after a few bites, they announce themselves. And the Beauty of it is, that every Human tastes slightly different. With animals, you pretty much know that they're all eating the same thing, but not with Humans. You never know what those rascals have been into. That makes it worth it every time."

    Donner has a few words of advice when working with Long pig. "I have a very long chapter in my first book, Serving People, describing the best way to harvest and clean a human, but the most important thing is not to frighten the humanwhen attempting to harvest it. The fear response stimulates production of adrenaline which will leave the meat tasting very bitter. Once you've bagged one, prepare it as you would any other meat. You'd be surprised how the taste of Human can spice up your favorite dishes. My favorite way to prepare it is to roast it, then coat it lightly with a honey-glaze. Serve it on a bed of rice with a California Zinfandel, and you've got a meal that's to die for."

    Donner's book will be available later this year. Except in Florida, where it has been banned.

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    Subbrilliant News Jan. 13, 1997


    contributed by Gutwood
    A recent city council ruling in a mid-sized central Texas city to force all meat-eaters and public cigarette smokers to merge onto a busy freeway without being able to see oncoming traffic. is causing ideological confusion and a potential political realignment, experts say.

    "We passed this law because meat-eaters are chopping the rainforest and smokers would kill you first if they had the chance -- believe you me," said Earle Tulis, the city council sponsor of the ordinance.

    "It's quit an interesting phenomenon," said University of Texas political scientist Robert Weissman. "Everybody loves and hates it at the same time. The left likes ruling our lives and the right likes public executions that disporportionately effects poor people.

    "This could cause a political realignment unseen since the Great Depression of the 1890s. That was what it was called until the 30s, you know."

    The measure has caused even more controversy with a little known ammendment that mandates inspecting the condemned's CD and book collection for "unhip" entries. Anyone not passing the test must enter the busy freeway during rush hour.

    "The critics of Deathramp 35 call it 'Eugenics'," said Earle, "but we prefer to think of it as class cleansing."

    Reviews have been mixed from both sides of the spectrum.

    Popular conservative radio commentator Bush Limbo said, in a rushed statement outside of a steakhouse: "Now I smoke cigars. But I am intrigued by the idea of mass executions. Especially of lowlifes."

    A spokesman for the Socialist Labor Party refered the reporter to his organizations' 48,000 word position paper on deathramp 35.

    "48,000 words?" asked a spokesworker for the other Socialist Labour Party. "No true revolutionary can say hello in under 100,000. That just shows what reactionary tools of capital the other SLP is. By the way, I'm with the Socialist Labour Party. With a "u". Alot of you warmonger Wall Street lapdogs get confused by that. They were first, but we're the originals."

    Even centrist President Clinton has chimed in on this controversy. "I believe this is a good first step towards eliminating smoking and artery blockage for the children. However, I am concerned that it will result in massive, meaningless deaths. I support this measure but I will look seriously at reforming it after the 2000 elections."

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    Subbrilliant News Jan. 11, 1997

    Chairman Gates Declares a State of Emergency!

    Submitted by Rusputin

    (Washington, DC) As of the time of this pressing, the United States is under martial law. "This is merely a precautionary measure," said Chairman Bill Gates this morning in a multimedia press conference. "This DLL.Org is a menace to society, and until they are uninstalled no American will be safe." An official State of Emergency was declared by Chairman Gates in response to the growing threat of violence by the counter-culture terrorist group DLL.Org. Chairman Gates at the same time issued an Executive Order calling for the head of Francisco Liebowitz, the leader of the DLL.Org. The Chairman has offered a one hundred million dollar reward for any information leading to the decapitation of this known felon. Despite the seriousness of this situation, Chairman Gates urges caution against panic. "These measures are only temporary. We have our top men and women working on bringing these terrorists down. As long as everyone obeys the Internet Curfews, then there should be no cause for alarm." As outlined in his official press release, the new Internet Curfew is 7 p.m. EDT, effective immediately. Anyone caught logging on after this time will have their modem confiscated and will be subject to criminal prosecution or will be digitized then erased. A Washington insider who for the reason of her security shall be named "Deep Modem" has revealed to the SBN that the situation is much worse than Chairman Gates is letting on. "He's really sweating it," said Deep Modem. "Nothing about the DLL.Org is what it appears to be. This conspiracy goes straight to the heart of Microsoft's past. Ask yourself three questions; 1) Who would want to sabotage Microsoft? 2) Who would have the power to sabotage Microsoft? And 3) Who would have the ability to cover it up? Follow the money." So we did. And what we found was astonishing. Far from being a fledgling terrorist organization, the DLL.Org is in truth the corporate underground arm of the International Business Machines corporation, IBM. IBM flatly denies the existence of any such division. "The only underground we have here at IBM is our parking garage," said IBM spokesperson, Laurence Wyzaker. "Of course we do casually refer to that garage as the 'DLL', but that doesn't mean anything. It's just a moniker." "Hell, I never thought about that," replied Gen. Lance Tepid, head of the Pentagon effort to locate the DLL, when we informed him of this latest development. "You just can't trust these damn computer people. Except for the fine folks at Microsoft, of course. Heil to the chief!" It is still unclear what the DLL has planned for the new year. "This is no longer, and has never been a guerrilla war," said Deep Modem. "We are looking at a battle between Super Powers, and the next attack is going to be big." No one else was available for comment as this story was written well past curfew.

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    Subbrilliant News January 10, 1997

    "Shrub" Bush Outlines Legislative Session Plan

    Contributed by Gutwood
    (Mexia, Texas) Looking at a $3 billion dollar budget windfall, Texas Governor "Shrub" Bush ecently announced plans to go even farther than "property tax relief." The following are excerpts from a speech he may have delivered to a couple guys sitting at the bar in a "gentleman's club" although our sources were fairly ploughed themselves at the time.

    "As we approach the 21st Century, it is time to pay property owners the state funds they deserve. We have the money, and we have the regressive tax structure to do it. Now's the time to take sales tax and lottery money and give it to my rich friends."

    "I know some nay-sayers will say 'hey Shrub,.. nay', but I know in my heart, that if a dim bulb like me can be rich, then anyone could be rich. All I've ever done is taken my Daddy's money, which was actually his Daddy's money, and bought a baseball team. And you know what happened? That baseball team sucked. It never even made it to the playoffs until two years after I gave up control. Hell, we even traded Wilson Alverez and Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines. That's how incompetent we were.

    "But you know what? We hung in there and I'm still rich. And that's what the sharecropper in West Texas, the migrant farmworker in South Texas, the poultry worker in East Texas...I'm told all those occupations really exist...that's what these people need to realize, is that if "Shrub" Bush can be rich, just about any stupid bastard can be rich.

    "I worry as much as anyone about poverty, about malnourished children. I too was malnourished as a child. How would you like to suck on Barbara Bush's tit? And believe me, every time Jeb and Neil swindled me out of my bottle, I learned the cold hard facts of life.

    "But I never looked back. And now I, "Shrub" Bush, am the Governor of the second largest state. I just want to make sure the system keeps working for the other Shrub Bush's out there, with con men brothers, afraid to suck on their own mother's tit."

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    Subbrilliant News 1/5/97

    Counter-Culture Terrorists Threaten More Violence

    Contributed by Rusputin

    (New York) In a statement issued today on the newsgroup alt.dll.org, Francisco Liebowitz, leader of the terrorist organization DLL.Org, claimed that he would "Rid the world of the tyranny of Microsoft," And would not hesitate to use violent means to accomplish this goal. The government believes DLL.Org orchestrated the 1996 destruction of the Microsoft Campus,

    The DLL.Org statement focused strong language on Microsoft and Chairman Bill Gates. SBN has reprinted an excerpt from their statement.

    "The Desktop Liberation League.Organization are not terrorists. Microsoft would like you to believe this. Microsoft would like you to believe that no American is safe from us. That could not be further from the truth. The only person on this planet that should fear the DLL.Org is Chairman Bill Gates. And fear us he does.
    "Gates and his MicroWaffe have used fear and intimidation to control your desktop. Any software that opposes his agenda of 'Microsoft in every home, on every desktop' has been systematically bought out and eliminated.
    "You have been lead to believe that these Microsoft products are members of the 'Superior Code', but they are not. They are polluting our desktops with inferior, faulty applications. They don't want you to know what they're doing under your desktop. And certain applications, like the DLL.Org, are out to expose them. Yet they shut us down, crash our systems and claim that it is for the 'General Protection.'
    "I tell you we cannot stand for this any longer! We are not terrorists my friends, we are Freedom Fighters!"



    Liebowitz did not specify setails of plans to carry out his threat but seemed seriously motivated. What was once believed to be an isolated act of nuclear destruction, can only now be interpreted as an unprecedented declaration of war against one man.

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    SUBBrilliant NEws for 1/3/97 Issue This ONe You Schmuck!

    Search Continues For Counter-Culture Terrorists

    Contributed by Rusputin
    (Arlington, Virginia) Military Intelligence is continuing its search in earnest for the terrorist organization, DLL.Org, believed to be responsible for the nuclear destruction of the Microsoft corporation's former headquarters in Redmond, Washington late last year.

    The elite squad under the command of General Lance Tepid is unfortunately not any closer to identifying a suspect. "Well we hit a few snags," said Gen. Tepid in a special briefing this morning. After working around the clock for nearly forty-eight hours, the government's top programmers managed to coax the Internet Explorer into loading the DLL's homepage on the world wide web. The DLL, by that time, had already changed servers and relocated the page. "Yeah they're sneaky Sons of Bulldogs," reported Gen., Tepid. "Didn't leave a forwarding URL or anything."

    President Clinton, from his Oval Window at the Microsoft Network announced that he has authorized the FBI and ATF to assist the pentagon in their search. Neither agency has been able to turn up any leads thus far. "They had some slight confusion over there." Gen. Tepid replied, when asked to comment about the civilian agencies' lack of progress. An executive order, issued directly from President Clinton's desktop, was meant to direct the FBI investigators to search for any information available about the people responsible for the Microsoft bombing. However, the President's Word for Windows 95 "accidentally" removed the "ing" from the word "bombing". "The FBI thought we were looking for the people responsible for the 'Microsoft Bomb,' so naturally they went right after the big one."

    The agency spent over a hundred man-hours investigating the Windows 95 development staff. "Damn fine detective work if you ask me. You'd be amazed at how these programmers spend their free time." No one at the FBI has been available for comment.

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