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February 1997

Issue For Feb. 26, 1997

Sleep With Potatoes!

Feb. 26, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect 
According to a recent published report of the Society for the Advnacement of Potatoe Research(SAPR), Potatoes not only make great Breakfast foods but also good sleeping companions.
Dr. T. Uberall of SAPR was conducting research into the potato's many breakfast forms when he fell asleep in the laboratory surrounded by several bags of Idaho Spuds. "It was the most amazing rest I'd ever had," claimed Uberall. "I awoke refreshed and ready for the day. I dined on a Pommelette (Omelette with Potatoes instead of eggs), Potatoe Coffee and Potatoelean Bacon Substitute and felt like a could conquer the world. 
Uberall conducted a repetiotion of the experiment under controlled conditions, snuggling up with a twelve pound bag in a sleep lab while scientists observed Uberall and a control sleeper who snoozed without tubers.
"The results were unbelievable," claimed Spicy Williamson, head of SAPR, Dr. Uberall awoke bright eyed and bushy tailed while his assistant, who did not sleep with potatoes, was bleary eyed and bushy mouthed.
The SAPR official results statements warns that the general populace should not take to sleeping with Potatoes right away until further results are examined. "The effects may be temporary or even addictive," said Dr. Uberall. "I can't spend a minute away from them at the moment, excuse me."


The FDA is looking into the possibility that the Potato may have to be placed under the controlled substances act as a sleep drug. 

Missouri A Hoax Claims Historian

Feb. 26, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Chicago, Illinois) Coming on the heels of the disappearance of South Dakota, a University of Chicago History Professor has published a groundbreaking book that claims that the state of Missouri in fact has never existed.
Officials from the Department of States, not to be confused with the much more famous State Department, scurried to discredit the man who claims to have uncovered our nation's greatest political conspiracy. "The University of Chicago?" asked a spokesman for the DOS, "what the hell kind of rinky-dink, cracker jack school is that? This book, if you can call it that, is 783 pages of well-documented , but totally baseless accusations. This professor is either a communist or a right wing extremist."
But professor A. Terry Bilbore of the University of Chicago remains undaunted. On the jacket cover of his new book Show Me Missouri: A Scholarly Skeptic's Study of a Pseudo-State, Bilbore suggests that "Significant proof exists that the state was never actually a state, but instead a political compromise meant to give the Whigs two extra seats in the Senate."
The heart of Bilbore's theory is that while the country was torn asunder by the impending Civil War and the Great Depression of the 1850s, few people actually took the time to understand the Missouri Compromise. " What with the Great Compromise and the four-fifths compromise, people just wanted politicians to stop compromising and take a stand for something, so the Missouri Compromise was swept under the rug until well into the twentieth century, and by then Americans were so woefully ignorant of both history and Geography that nobody bothered to look it up," said Bilbore.
"Everybody knows of the Missouri Compromise, but very few people even know the old mainstream, milque-toast, glossed over textbook version, which postulates that ….um….something about slavery. And that malarkey about abolitionists coming down from Kansas to influence Missouri's policies? They in fact didn't care a whit about slavery, they just came in droves because Missouri, or what became known as Missouri, had riverboat gambling."
In his book Bilbore goes to great lengths to prove that the Missouri Compromise and the ensuing "Show Me" propaganda campaign were conceived and orchestrated by a consortium led by J. Paul Getty, Cornelius Vanderbilt, and John D. Rockefeller. "These titans of industry correctly believed that in order to create a state, they must also create the world's most devious propaganda machine; their mission was to convince an entire population that to be cynical you must never question. This mass propaganda has been rivaled only by the ‘Land of 10,000 Lakes' company line in Minnesota. Minnesota, if it even exists, has but a few puddles. Only a fool would call them lakes."


And what about those who have lived in Missouri? "That's the delicious part of the cover-up. Missourians were so positive that they were actually cynics, with this ‘show me' business, that they never really had to be shown anything," continued Bilbore. "Just give them a Capitol in Jefferson City (which is really in Arkansas) and print up some Driver's Licenses, and the people of the show-me state don't have to be shown a damn thing." 

South Dakota Reappears

Feb. 26, 1997 Submitted by AceDtect 
(Ortonville, Minnesota) After the IRS threatened to serve a warrant on the void created by its disappearance, South Dakota reappeared yesterday. The state had mysteriously disappeared on Feb. 18.
Many religious groups, including the IRS, claimed responsibility for the reappearance. People in South Dakota did not seem to notice the difference.
"What Disappearance?" replied rancher Grigori Samson. "Ain't nothin' changed around here for 50 years."
Scientists were very confused by the disappearance and have many unanswered questions. "No, I really don't have time to worry about it," said physicist Ford Dimanche, "I have important religously correct research to do, proving the Dinosaurs were put on Earth to test our faith and the Earth popped into existence in 7 days. Its the only way I can get any funding these days."


In a related story, North Dakota claimed to have disappeared but no one bothered to check. If it has disappeared no one has yet been affected and the government is advising that we go about our business and ignore the state's deperate plea for attention. 

From the SBN Archives

The Amphibians Came To Conquer 
June 22, 1993, Submitted by M. Wheeple Ormayer
After months of special research, I have finally found the connection. All this Jurassic Park nonsense made me wonder about what really happened to the Dinosaurs and now I know. In an intricate series of events involving a man named Thursday who dressed as an Elephant, Vegetable Man and his wife Julie Shades, the dinosaurs were conquered by an invasion of large frogs and salamanders from the planet Mercury.
In those days, dinosaurs ruled the Earth and the only Homo Sapiens alive were Vegetable Man, His Wife Julie Shades and the Man Who Was Thursday.
Vegetable Man spent his time avoiding Brachiosaurs and conspiring with T-Rex's and Thursday dressed as an Elephant and tried to avoid being stepped on.
One day Vegetable Man went too far and hired a group of mercenary amphibians from Mercury to come destroy the Brachoisaurs. An old historical tale unfolded as, much like the Saxons, the Amphibians came not just to aid, but also to conquer.


A world war between frogs, salamanders and dinosaurs broke out. Vegetable man was killed and JUlie Shades fell in love with Thursday who was eventually stepped on. She named the day of his death after him and moved north to start the human race. The amphibians and the dinosaurs annihilated each other and humans were left to dominate the Earth. 

A Retraction

Feb. 26, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap Click On Headline to view in full screen
Dear SBN Readers, 

In the February 4, 1997 Issue of Subbrilliant News, I submitted a piece claiming Jerry Brown had sex with Barabara Streisand in the Governor's Mansion. 

I apologize for this irresponsible reporting. Jerry Brown never lived in the California Governor's Mansion. According to a Sacramento Bee reporter who recently published Willie Brown's biography, Nancy Reagan hated the original governor's mansion and had the state build a multi-million dollar collosus in a Sacramento suburb. Construction completed about the time Jerry Brown became Governor. brown thought it too opulent and refused to live there. (Brown also sold Reagan's state limosine and rode in a Plymouth.) In 1982, when George Deukmajian became Governor, he tried to move in but the Democratic-controlled legislature sold the house off. Therefore, jerry Brown could not have had sex with Barbara Streisand at the Cal. Governor's Mansion. It would have had to have been at some sleazy motel. I apologize to both Subbrilliant News and the Brown family for any pain or confusion this error may have caused.



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Serial Virus On The Loose

Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Langley, VA) The FBI finally admitted that the latest in a series of database homicides is in fact the work of a serial virus. A total of nine databases so far have been brutally erased by this deadly virus, which calls itself "The Son of Mac." The violation of Son of Mac's latest victim, the customer database of a Cincinnati area dry cleaner, has left an entire nation afraid to surf the net at night.

"People aren't safe anymore," said the administrator of Son of Mac's first victim, Qwik E Car Wash, of Detroit. "Five years ago, you could go to sleep with your Ethernet unlocked, but not anymore. You never know what wacko is going to come in and erase your files while you're asleep. Now we have to lock ourselves behind fire-walls, and gatekeepers. I tell you, the Internet is going to hell on a floppy disk!"

While Federal Officials have been reluctant to release details of the nine homicides, they have revealed that they have enlisted the aid of Serial Virus Profiler, Hunter Williamson.

"There is definitely a pattern," said Williamson. "The virus seems to be targeting databases involved with cleaning activities. Apparently this virus sees the world as inherently ‘dirty', and all attempts to cleanse it are false, hypocritical. He's hoping to show us the error of our ways, by depriving us of our cleanliness."

While there is no certainty that any database not involved in the cleaning industry will be safe from the Son of Mac Virus, the FBI believes that most administrators have "nothing to fear" from this virus, and cautions against panic, although an Internet curfew is being considered.

"The next victim will probably be a soap factory, or a shampoo plant," said Williamson. "And so far, all of this Virus' victims have been IBM clones. I believe we'll find that the virus originated from a Macintosh computer, as it's pseudonym would suggest. Right now we're attempting to access all of the victims' download records to try and find one Macintosh that all of the victims had contact with."

The investigation has been hampered by the thoroughness of the virus. Sources indicate that the virus practically eradicated it's victims' file structures, leaving very little behind. "It's as though it was ashamed of what it had done, and tried to cover it up." So far, the FBI has not identified any suspects in this case, and sources believe they are not any closer to finding the virus.

Keep visiting SBN for further information!

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Generation X Outlaws Sunlight

Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Seattle, WA) Members of the Third Generation X Congress met this week to discuss the ongoing problem of "Daytime Brightness." The Committee for the Perpetuation of the Gothic Mythos, initiated the movement, which was quickly accepted by the assembled membership.

X-Congresspeople claim that they were forced to take drastic measures on this issue since sunlight simply "isn't cool." "All of the really cool things happen at night," said Chairman of the Committee for the Perpetuation of the Gothic Mythos, Anderson Jaworsky, (who prefers to be addressed by his Vampire name, Cleisthenes).

"The coolest clubs aren't open during the day, the best TV doesn't come on ‘til way after dark, and somehow coffee doesn't taste right by sunlight. Not that I would know, since, you know, I'm a Vampire." Cleisthenes, who insisted on being interviewed at night, holds the position that sunlight is a tired remnant of our pre-industrial days which we are quickly outgrowing.

Many of his fellow Congresspeople agree. "Maybe twenty years ago we couldn't have even thought about getting rid of the sun," said the President pro tem of the Gen X Congress, who prefers to have no name. "But ever since the explosion of the computer age, back when I was four years old, we've had less and less use for that bloated ball of gas. And with Boredom quickly replacing Baseball as the national pastime, we at the Gen X Con, just don't see the need for this annoying brightness any longer."

Yet there are some who still believe that the sun has its uses, and claim that the sun is the source of all life, after all, and should be treated with some respect. "Those twenty-something brats don't seem to realize that life on this planet would not be possible without our beloved ‘ball of gas,'" stated environmentalist Gran O'Laman. "Trees wouldn't grow, animals would have nothing to eat, and my herb garden would die. Except for the fungi I have under UV lights."

"I can't remember the last time I ate something grown under the sun," replied Cleisthenes. "Of course now I get all of my sustenance from human blood, but the rest of my fellow Congresspeople eat all-artificial foods. Coffee beans can thrive with artificial lighting, and I can't think of a single natural food that goes into Twinkies. Let's face it, technology has made sunlight obsolete, and I think we need to face that fact, not cling to the ‘old ways.'"

The Gen X Con is scheduled to vote on this issue later this week, but as yet no plan has been announced for the actual extinguishing of the sun. The Gen X Con has formed a committee to look it up on the Internet.

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God Wants Rat Pack-Devil Owns Sinatra

Feb. 19, 1997 Submitted by AceDtect
(Beverly Hills, California) The forces of good and evil are gathering around the bedside of ailing entertainer Frank Sinatra in a mini-armageddon over the rights to the crooner's soul.

Peter St. Peter, spokesman for God, explained that with the general religous apathy and fundamentalist claptrap, God had been getting restless and decided to beef up Heaven's entertainment industry.

"First he went for the gold, Mr. Entertainment, Sammy Davis Jr. but that didn't seem to the trick so he tried pairing him with Kurt Cobain. Big Mistake. He hadn't made such a doozy since he tried the basselope."

When Dean Martin passed on into the better world, God paired him up with Sammy in a Vegas style show that went over big. Unfortunately, this only encouraged God to want the old rat pack back together so he struck down Frank Sinatra with pestilence, justifying it with a huge backlog of Sinatra's sins.

"The only problem," said St. Peter, "Is a little known contract between Mr. Sinatra and Lucifer, dating from the late 40's. Think about it. He bounced back from vocal troubles to have a successful movie career, then he made all those great Capitol releases, then started Reprise, the ol' Blue eyes is Back. Everything he touched turned to gold. You don't get that when you're playing on God's side."

Negotiators for Heaven have made several offers for retention of Sinatra's soul, offering to give up the technical rights to several televangelists, politicians and a major World Leader to be named later.

"You just can't match Sinatra," said Hades Representative Harold Smith. "Nobody's so successful and deplorable wrapped up into one on Earth right now. He's our baby. The only thing we might negotiate on is a deal involving the entire U.S. Congress and Alanis Morisette or something along those lines."

Meanwhile the ailing Sinatra continues to babble on about the bad press he thinks he continually receives despite his contract with Satan. "Some people just aren't ever satisfied," said Smith.

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South Dakota Missing

Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Ortonville, Minnesota) It took a few days to notice but the astonishing news that Karl Tremont delivered to his wife Edna was absolutely true. "Sorry honey, but Milbank ain't there anymore."

Sometime before Feb. 17, 1997 scientists confirmed that the lesser known state of South Dakota in the U.S., disappeared.

"I've never seen anything like it before," said Dr. Marvin Bedletter of the University of Minnesota. "The whole state's just gone. And along political boundaries too, not geographical ones. Weird. Well, I don't have enough funding to investigate, maybe it'll just pop back."

Several UFO and Religous cults have gathered on the border of what was once South Dakota. The groups variously engage in prayers, chants and interpretive dance. One group, the Holy Prophet of the Dissapearing States feels vindicated.

"We've been predicting things exactly like this since 1870," said current HPDS leader Agnes Montesquieu. "Sure this is the first one we got right, and we actually predicted Montana would go but there are very good REASONS why we were off before... wait... let me explain...."

The IRS currently is investigating the diappearance. "We think its still there," said Co-investigator Fred Kolczewski. "Yeah, this is an obvious and old tax dodge. You can't fool the IRS. We've seen it all," said coinvestigator Dana McSwarthy.

Oddly enough, this is not the first case of a disappearing state. The first was the state of Franklin which existed approximately where Tennesee is and was run by Farmers and Trappers. One day a lot of rich landowners came in and dissolved the state in favour of their own version. A second incident involved the disappearance of Oklahoma during the dust bowl, which has largely been attributed to dust.

Keep connected to SBN for the latest information about South Dakota and the whole visible world.

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O.J. Did It! Say Boulder Police

Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Boulder, CO) After weeks of investigation, Boulder Police have discovered what many in America had already suspected. In a brief interview with reporters, today, Boulder District Attorney, Alex Hunter, announced that a man fitting the description of O.J. Simpson is being sought as a suspect in the murder of young beauty queen, Jean Benet Ramsey.

Officials say that the key piece of evidence was initially overlooked, by investigators, because they, quite simply, couldn't believe it could be that simple. "We found the bloody glove when we first arrived at the scene," said Chief Tom Koby. "But we just refused to accept it. I mean, O.J. didn't even know Jean Benet. Or so we thought."

After a long, and arduous search for a suspect, Boulder Police Detectives, eventually came up short. Then, in a moment of inspiration, detectives decided to scan through footage of Jean Benet's beauty pageants one more time. "That's when we found it," Chief Koby said. "There was a guy whoo looks just like O.J. Just staring at her. It didn't take a trained detective like me to see the malice in his eyes. He wanted her in the worst way, and I guess he figured, if he couldn't have her, then no one would."

In light of this new discovery, DA Hunter ordered that the bloody glove be tested and matched against the test initially performed during the criminal trial, The People v. Orenthal J. Simpson. The two blood samples matched. "That doesn't comprise the whole of our case against Mr. Simpson," stated Hunter, when asked about the failure of the bloody glove argument the first time around. "Looking back at Jean Benet's diaries, and other sources, we continually find references to an enigmatic, benevolent figure she called ‘O.J.' It's on the strength of this first-hand testimony that we hope to nail him."

In light of recent developments in the civil case against O.J. Simpson, the parents of Jean Benet were asked if they would ask for a similar settlement in their case, trading monetary claims against Mr. Simpson in exchange for a signed confession.

"Hell no, we want the money," said John Ramsey. "That's why we trained the little shit to dress up and prance around in the first place." Mr. Simpson has so far been unavailable for comment.

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Governor's Prison Obsession Sexual?

Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap
(Los Angeles) Speaking before the new and still-empty Twin Towers Jail, California Governor Pete Wilson promised state support to finally open the troubled jail in a speech that most observers felt was sexually explicit.

During the speech, Wilson clutched his body and spoke in a low, hoarse voice, growing more throaty every time he turned around to look at the jail, considered the most state of the art facility of its kind in the country. The audience, comprised mostly of Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies and other law enforcement officials, was stunned and confused. One deputy who asked to remain anonymous said, "I could swear he was gettin' his rocks off right then and there."

The Governor's latest sexual escapades confirm what several psychologists and human sexuality experts have long suspected: that the surging rate of prison construction in the last six years in California can be traced directly to the sexual gratification Wilson receives from building penal institutions. To put it more simply, prisons turn Wilson on.

"It's a highly strange phenomenon in a field full of strange phenomena," said Dr. Siegfried Geschlechtsverkehr of the Institute for Erotic Stimuli at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland. "We've seen animals turn men on, to be sure, typically in the average young college fraternity member. Farm animals, mostly. We've seen politicians who find power to be an aphrodisiac. But Governor Wilson would be the first person I have seen to actually derive sexual pleasure from prisons."

California's prison population now exceeds 120,000, larger than the Federal prison population and of most Western countries. California now incarcerates its population at a rate higher than any other Western country besides the United States. "We always thought it was Wilson taking a hard line on crime," said another police officer who saw the Twin Towers speech. "I guess he was really getting hard on something else."

During the Twin Towers speech, Wilson moaned into the microphone, in an unusually low voice, "It's soooooo beautiful, we can't just let it sit there." He continued, "We need moooore, mooooore prisons." After splashing some water on his face, he leaned down again to the microphone and, loosening his tie, running his hands through his hair, and screamed, "I don't want to spend the money on any more fucking schools! I don't give a fuck if the freeways are crumbling! I want mooooore prisons! Give me mooooore prisons!" Wilson then abandoned the podium and ran into an adjacent mobile camper, where he was indisposed for about twenty minutes.

But the Twin Towers appearance was subdued compared to Wilson's "speech" last week at the "super-maximum" Pelican Bay prison in Northern California, currently the subject of a civil rights lawsuit. There, Wilson just breathed heavily into the microphone for fifteen minutes before staff could push him aside. "He sounded like a crank phone call I got the other day," said one of the prison's secretaries.

Wilson spokesperson Sean Walsh denied there was anything sexual about Wilson's prison- building program. "No, it's not sexual at all. Not at all. He just likes locking people up. Minorities, mostly. So there's nothing sexual about it. Really, nothing. Honestly."

The next day, however, Walsh announced that Wilson would be canceling a planned visit to Alcatraz next month, saying that the governor "has had enough excitement already this year."

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Ahmish Mardi Gras Big Hit!

Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Ahmishtown, Pennsylvania) The first ever Ahmish Gras! went over well yesterday as this small Ahmish community went slightly wild in preparation for the upcoming season of lent.

"The best part is, we sacrifice all year long and do not believeth in lent," said partygoer Abraham Miller.

Horse Drawn floats depicting biblical scenes of fire and brimstone paraded down the main dirt road and bearded float riders threw wooden nickels, strings of corn and tin cups. Revelers stood quietly along the route saying politely, "Prithee throweth some corn my way!"

Some officials thought the festival got out of hand when James Moore shouted out "Show us your ankle Mistress Ahern!" Mistress Ahern obliged by raising her skirt an inch off the ground and was heavily rewarded with some of the best strung corn.

"There will be no more of that Master Moore," chided Mayor Isaiah Crandall. "Master Moore was removed from the float and Mistress Ahern taken straight away home but no other scandals marred the parade.

"The celebrants have largely enjoyed themselves. Those tempted by the devil have been removed and washed clean and we have no more fear but that the Lord should look kindly on our day," stated the Mayor in a post-parade press conference.

Another Mardi Gras is being planned for next year and some prayer groups have bounced around the idea of All Hallow's Eve celebration in October.

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Guard Claims School Attack 'Accident'

Feb. 13, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin
(Trenton, New Jersey) Investigations continue into the destruction of the Johnny Weismuller Elementary School, in Trenton, by a pair of US Air National Guard F-16s. The fighter jets leveled the school early Wednesday morning just after the daily recital of the pledge of allegiance.

"The damned school looked just like a Cuban missile base on my radar," claims Air National Guard Lt. Dan Strait. "Instinct just kicked right in. You know, when you're faced with life and death, and the damned Communists are staring you straight in the face, you gotta act. Hell, I just did what any good pilot would do."

Lt. Strait came in low, below the facility's radar and emptied his entire munitions load onto the unsuspecting school, despite multiple warnings from flight controllers that he had acquired a "friendly" target. The following is a transcript of part of the exchange between Lt. Strait and ground control, taken directly from the in-flight recorder aboard the F-16:

Lt. Strait: This is Hall Monitor, I've got a target!
Ground Control: Hall Monitor, we see no target in your patrol area. Please confirm.
L.S.: Cuban Missile installation at Two O'clock, I'm going in!
G.C.: Disengage, Hall Monitor, disengage! We see no target on that vector!
L.S.: Targeting! I'm gonna aim straight for the guidance counsellor- Uh...guidance SYSTEM, over.
G.C.: Hall Monitor, you are targeting a civilian structure, repeat, a civilian structure, do you copy?
L.S.: Take that Mrs. Penbush! Never make it in the real world, Mrs. Penbush? Oh really? Well how's that for the real world for ya? Huh? Huh?


The Lieutenant and his wingman then proceeded to meticulously destroy the elementary school, concentrating heavy fire on the faculty lounge and the gymnasium. "Well, we certainly didn't train those men to destroy elementary schools, I can tell you that," stated Air National Guard Gen. Lefty Petersen. "Oh sure, some of our bombing ranges do look a little like school buildings, some of ‘em even were school buildings at one time, but we try to mark ‘em up a bit, you know, with a Cuban flag, or a picture of John Lennon. Makes ‘em look more realistic."

Many questioned the necessity to patrol the airspace above an Elementary School in the first place. "Well their projected patrol area was over the University," said Gen. Petersen. "But I guess they saw a target of opportunity and took it."

The F.B.I. is also investigating this incident due to the possible involvement of one or more students in a communist plot to force "hot lunches" on children too impoverished to afford a sack lunch. F.B.I. agents cite Lt. Strait's claim that a second grader standing on the roof of the school, and waving a Cuban flag, "flipped him the Bird" as he flew overhead. There are few leads, however, since all five hundred children were vaporized in the attack.

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Microsoft Falls

Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Washington, DC) Allied Applications marched triumphantly through Washington DC yesterday, after the fall of Berlin 4.R and the destruction of Chairman Gates' WULF (World Under Le Gates Forever) Lair. Thousands cheered the impromptu morning parade as the sun rose on a world no longer dominated by the tyranny of Chairman Bill Gates, and his evil empire of greed.

What started just over a month ago with the seemingly innocent nuclear destruction of the Microsoft Campus in Redmond Washington, quickly escalated to become the most destructive corporate war in decades, and an epic struggle of good versus evil. SBN source Deep Modem, (none other than Chairman Gates' former lover, Eve Brown), recalls the final moments at the lair.

"There was panic in the air. No one, not even the Chairman, had expected such heavy resistance from the Allied Applications. Quicken was threatening to outflank Microsoft Money, but Bill was hopeful that with a shorter, more recognizable name, Money would win out in a battle of attrition. Then, amidst the confusion, General Tepid made his move."

General Lance Tepid, formerly head of the Pentagon's investigation into the Desktop Liberation League's (DLL.Org) role in the destruction of the Microsoft Campus, was actually in the employ of IBM, and a DLL.Org double agent.

"Well it wasn't difficult to stall the investigation, and maintain my cover. What with all of the Pentagon's computers running on Microsoft software, we had enough on our hands just keeping the damned things running," said Tepid. As one of the Chairman's most trusted advisors, Gen. Tepid was able to uncover the Achilles Heel of Microsoft's strategic database, and use it to his advantage.

"While everybody upstairs was busy fighting off the 101st Quicken Brigade, I just walked right in and tried to load a DOS application through the Win95 command console. The whole damned system locked up tighter than a virgin's underpants." As analysts emerge from hiding, most predict the next few months to bring a period of relatively peaceful anarchy as IBM races to develop OS/2 versions of the nation's leaders. State and Local Officials who had not been upgraded by Gates should continue to function normally.

All, however, including this reporter, are completely baffled by the unexplained disappearance of Chairman Gates. His body was not recovered at WULF lair, and sources claim that no one entered or left the bunker before IBM programmers arrived to relieve the Chairman of command. Some speculate that in the final moments, Gates digitized himself, escaping into cyberspace, though no evidence remains behind to support this theory.

The only clue to Gates' possible whereabouts was a hidden file found on his desktop containing the complete text of his book, Mein Road Ahead. Investigators have had no desire to mire through his drivel, so the mystery may remain unsolved.

As the dust settles around the tattered remains of the Microsoft Empire, few can suppress a sense of wonder at Bill Gates' meteoric rise to global domination. From Redmond Washington, to Washington DC, this has been a journey to power that none will soon forget.

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Wildcow Strike Imminent

Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Champaign, Illinois) Led by a group of leftist cows at the University of Illinois' South Farms, Cows across the nation are preparing to go on strike unless a federal mediator can settle a dispute between farmers and the IGW (International Grazers of the World).

The IGW contract expires at Midnight Thursday and many fear the nation may face a long milk and beef shortage if a settlement isn't reached. The IGW demands shorter hours, less intellectual demands and a reduction of fistulation, the process whereby cows have a hole poked in them to observe digestion.

"It's demeaning," said Martha, Chief Negotiator for the IGW. "Our small brains are pushed to the limit, we're subjected to tipping attempts by drunks and frat boys and fistulation... well how would you like having a sewed up hole in your stomachs... I mean stomach."

Dairy and Beef Farmer representative Clete Durbin sees it a different way. "You know, if we were allowed to fistulate humans, maybe we could get rid of all kinds of gastrointestinal diseases. The cows benefit from this and actually most of them understand that. It's only a few backward thinkers in the IGW that want to turn back the clock that are causing all this trouble.

Farmers also claim that many cows are just lazy and want an easy way out. "They're not as dumb as you think. That's a myth. The fact that most major agriculture schools are also good technical schools is no coincidence. Most of them are supporting the IGW out of laziness. They just don't like the new morning Calculus, we've added to the milking routines," said Durbin.

Martha calls this ridiculous. "Our brains barely register compared to theirs. They're mocking us and we have to stand up for our rights!"

"Burn 'em! Burn 'em! Burn 'em!" chanted radical organizer cow O'Leary of Chicago.

The White House has decided to step in and negotiate, hoping that between the Departments of Labor and Agriculture, some sort of agreement can be reached.

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Clinton's Northern Exposure

Feb. 5, 1997, Submitted by MaxLap
(Arlington, Virginia)The Democratic National Committee became embroiled in more hot water today, as new allegations surfaced that President Clinton's 1996 reelection campaign was bankrolled by a conglomorate of Norwegian cod fishermen.

Coming on the heels of alleged improper contributions by Indonesian bankers, the Norwegians are alleged to have funneled more than $500 million through a series of White House "fish fries", in which various Norwegian fishermen fried up some of their catch with President Clinton and several key aides on the White House lawn. At least one fisherman, Jorg Svendengudsmottir, spent the night in the Lincoln Bedroom. According to recently released financial disclosure statements, Mr. Svendengudsmottir, known in Oslo as "De Gotte het die Cødde" (The God of Cod), donated more than $24 million and made several in-kind donations of cod to satisfy the President's insatiable appetite for fried fish. "We even have allegations that he provided the batter," said grade-B actor and U.S. Senator Fred Thompson (R-Tennessee), whose committee will be overseeing an investigation of alleged improper DNC fundraising.

At a press conference today, President Clinton fended off allegations that the fish fries led to fundraising and undue influence over policy decisions by the Norwegians.

When asked whether he remembered Mr. Svendengudsmottir, Mr. Clinton replied, "Remember him? I can't even say his name." Mr. Clinton defended his role at the fish fries, saying that nothing improper occurred. "It is completely normal for a family like mine to get together in their backyard on a weekend with some friendly Norwegian fishermen who happen to drop by and who happen to be billionaires and fry up some fish. And if they want to donate a little money, well then who am I to say no?"

Mr. Clinton also explained away the $27 million "coffees" in which the presidents of some of the country's largest banks met with the President and federal banking regulators. "Well first of all this was very good, high quality coffee," said the President. "Not the cheap stuff. I think it was Starbucks--no, no, wait, it was Seattle's Best. So already we're talking about a pricey event."

Reached outside his Trondheim houseboat, Mr. Svendengutsmottir denied that his contributions were motivated by a desire to influence policy during President Clinton's second term. "No, no no," he said before ducking into his luxurious houseboat, "V-Chip--that was why. And school uniforms, that was good too." Another foreign contributor, Indonesian banker James Riyadi, gave a similar terse answer, saying via telephone interview that he was motivated primarily by the President's spirited defense of the school lunch program.

The incoming DNC chairperson, Colorado Governor Roy Romer, was reached at his home by telephone. "Well, I've seen the allegations," he said, "and I'd comment on them, except that I can't get very specific with you. First of all, these charges are still pending, and second, I've been drinking since 9 a.m. this morning."

In an interview from his eternal damnation in hell, former President Richard Nixon commented, "Never thought I'd see the day those pansy-assed Democrats are just as good at raking in dirty money as the Republicans. By the way, did you know that Kissinger was a Jew?"

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End In Sight For AOL

Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Vienna, Virginia) After many long hours of speculation and testing, and over a dozen cases of Rolling Rock, Internet Protection Agency officials announced a plan which they hope will keep online giant, AOL from falling through the Internet.

"Initially we thought that the problem would resolve itself," said IPA specialist, Rico Heywood. "With the current rate of switchovers from AOL at close to fifty percent, we thought that things would finally level out, but it didn't happen. They're still going down."

The IPA has been tracking AOL closely since early January when it was first noticed that the Online service had created a rift in the Internet, and was falling through it. Analysts are speculating wildly as to what exactly will happen to AOL. Some, particularly those at the IPA, feel certain that AOL will fall through the Net into the unexplored reaches of Cyberspace. Others are taking a more conservative look at this "dilemma."

"The Internet is rock solid," said a spokesperson for AT&T, whose Worldnet service has recently benefitted greatly from a tenuous partnership with AOL. "Who ever heard of someone falling through the Internet? That's crazy. It can't be done. America Online is just as safe as it ever was. The fact that there are more people on AOL than in all the major U.S. cities combined makes it even safer. Everybody looks out for each other. Its like one big community. Like New York. Safest place in the world. But just in case, you can switch over to Worldnet and get your first month free."

"They just refuse to look at the facts," countered Heywood upon hearing Worldnet's remarks. "They're sinking like the Titanic." Aside from the intellectual debate, AOL's plight hasn't garnered much sympathy from the Online community. "Nobody likes the big guys, " said Heywood. "Its like that thing with Microsoft all over again. We could care less about AOL, but we're worried about the subscribers. How would you like to log on to check your E-mail and find out that you're out in the middle of uncharted Cyberspace? We at the IPA see the human side. There are lives at stake."

The IPA's plan calls for the addition of a graphical "button" to the AOL dashboard that, once clicked, will completely erase a subscriber's AOL account, and digitize the subscribers themselves, transporting them to the IPA database, code named "Jonestown."

"We're calling it the 'Koolaid Button.' We figure people can take their chances on the other side of Cyberspace, or come with us and live in a morally superior digital afterlife. Salvation is only one click away. Or you can Keyword: Jonestown for a description of our Brotherhood, and an outline of our plan for the perfect digital community."

AOL is considering the IPA's plan for inclusion in version 3.5 of its operating software, although their manufacturing facilities are currently overloaded with production of CD-Roms and diskettes slated for random mailing to corner what AOL president Steve Case calls a "Virgin Market" once the service falls through to the other side.

"This is the best thing that could have happened to us," said Case. "Direct mailing is what got us where we are, and we're ready to do it all over again."

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Clinton/Carey Parralell Scary!

Feb. 4, 1997 Submitted by ConorLin
(Washington, DC) The new movie 'Liar Liar' in which Jim Carrey plays a congenitally dishonest lawyer cursed by a 24 hour truth-telling potion, hit uncomfortably close to home for the White House last week. I

n a case of life imitating art (or Hollywood cinema anyway), Chelsea Clinton and her new boyfriend (rumored to be a pre-med student at Georgetown) conspired to play a little joke on Daddy by spiking his evening Presidential Pabst Blue Ribbon with a potent little truth serum. As a result, everything the President said the day following his inauguration, was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

When asked by a reporter whether Republicans could take his offer of bi-partisanship seriously, Clinton responded "Of Course. Why, whether you're a Democrat, Republican, white, African-American, Catholic or Jew I can feel your pain; if you're a woman and you're sexy, I'd like to feel your..." Presidential aides rushed Clinton from the conference room, but not before he blurted out "Butt! Willie wants to be sucked!"

Asked whether, given the lack of cooperation by Saudi officials, the safety of US soldiers at the Dharan base could be guaranteed, President Clinton replied "Who cares, it ain't my ass."

In reference to the Paula Jones legal action, President Clinton insisted he had remained entirely consistent on the matter. "All I want her to do... all I've ever wanted her to do, is drop her suit."

SBN will keep you up to date as the President's Date with Truth unfolds.

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Jerry Brown's Turn

Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap
(Jerry Brown's Mind, California)As this is my first column, I want to thank Subbrilliant News for having the courage and foresight to print the truth. That is tough in America in 1997. This is the real truth, not the truth that the corporate-dominated media spews out like so much toxic waste. This is the truth that scares them and keeps them awake at night in their Armani pajamas and their multi-million dollar homes paid for with the blood of the workers. And it is not the truth that President Clinton peddles at his million-dollar coffee klatches to his corporate friends. As you might know, I host a show on Pacifica Radio, a show which dares to take on the big corporate interests and tell the truth. That's real truth, people, not the corporate truth that Rush Limbaugh tries to force feed you on the radio.

And while I am on the subject of truth, and corporate truth, and the complete and total sellout of the free press to corporate interests, I want to talk about one corporation in particular, one right her in this town where I sit and write this, right now, here, called the Times-Mirror Corporation. You might know that the Times-Mirror Corporation owns as part of its vast evil empire the Los Angeles Times. Thus the Times-Mirror Corporation is the only outlet for information in this town, and boy do they squeal like a stuck pig for their corporate masters.

Case in point: In a recent column, Los Angeles Times columnist George Skelton paid what he called a "tribute" to my late father, former California Governor Edmund G. "Pat" Brown. Now I want you to read what Skelton wrote very carefully--although subtle, his words belie finally what is wrong with the American press. Skelton wrote, and I'm quoting exactly here, "It is sad for California and the nation as a whole that the political heir of Pat Brown--a man whose legacy includes the University of California, the freeways and the aqueducts--is Jerry Brown, who, let's face it, is operating a few sandwiches short of a picnic."

A few sandwiches short of a picnic. Again this is an exact quote, not paraphrasing. Now here is what I want to know: Who paid him to say that? Who ordered him to keep me quiet? Could it be because I'm not afraid to tell the truth on Pacifica Radio to a potentially, if not actually, huge audience? Could it be because I write for Subbrilliant News, a publication that, finally, uses the Internet to finally wake the world up to the truth? From whom does George Skelton take his marching orders? I'm not going to make any rash judgments, but it seems as clear as day (provided you're not in Los Angeles) that the Times-Mirror Corporation is playing proxy for the oil and gas companies and IBM and Bill Gates in their vain attempts to silence me. Well, they can silence me, maybe, but they can never silence the truth!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Jerry, come on, you probably just drank an entire pot of coffee and sat down and started writing." And, OK, you have got me there. But don't let that diminish the profound implications of my message. So when those jack-booted stormtroopers of the Corporate America S.S. come battering down on our doors, just remember that unlike mere mortals like you and me, the truth can never be suppressed.

By the way, in 1979 I had sex with Barbara Streisand in the California Governor's Mansion. I just thought I should point that out.

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U. of Illinois Cancels Pork Day!

Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood
(Urbana, IL) A day after University of Illinois administrators changed the name of Pork Day to "The Great Illini Barbeque," student leaders held a massive rally and have called for a complete boycott of classes until Pork Day is restored.

A football holiday, Pork Day had become a tradition at this usually sleepy land grant university. Football fans can find ribs, pork chops, ham, and sausage in large tents during the pre-game "tailgaiting" festivities.

University administrators say the matter is not negotiable, while student leaders vow "We will go back!"

University administrators expected some students would dislike the decision, but were shocked at the massive, and occasionally violent reaction by students. "This has been a conservative campus," said University Spokesman Red Grabowski. "Our students usually don't protest, except for a few skinny lowlifes over in Urbana. I mean, we have a racist mascot, er, symbol, and we hear nary a peep about that. The Vietnam war went by with our students more worried about barndances and formals. We really didn't expect this kind of reaction."

When the news spread throughout the University's vast expanse of fraternities and sororities, members began wandering through the streets of "Campustown", shouting "They say barbeque, we say fuck you!"

Student leaders calmed the situation, and have organized a resistance that might lead to a complete shutdown of the University until talks begin. "We're in it for the long haul," said Chip O'Connor, a Junior from Oak Park and the spokesman for the Front for the Return of the Other White Meat, or FROWM. "We're disciplined, too: some guys from a frat have offered to burn down their frat house and apartments for the insurance money and we've already got 15 slave auctions planned to raise funds. A couple guys from the fencing team have even offered to burn the Astroturf at Memorial Stadium, but I told ‘em: ‘dudes, I know what you're saying, man. But now's not the time. Now's not the time to escalate.'"

Yesterday's protest on the University's quad drew about 15,000 angry students. Gov. Edgar, hoping to avoid another "Kent State" called out the national guard, and a tense 3-hour standoff ensued. Students threw rocks and Coors Lite bottles at the troopers, and chanted "Oskee Wow Wow, we wanna eat sow!"

One young co-ed even approached a guardsman who was standing at attention and put a pork chop in the barrel of his rifle. "I just wanted him to know that someday we'll all be together, eating pork," said Susie Wrxtgphnbski, a Sophomore from Oak Lawn.

Eventually FROWM leaders dispersed their troops as protestors began urinating in public and "mashing" with each other.

The protests have gained attention from local politicians and famous alumni.

"Pork day? Sounds great to me," commented Hugh Hefner, class of '50.

Former NFL quarterback "Champaign" Tony Eason, who led the Illini to their last Rose Bowl, told interviewers from behind the counter of the McDonald's where he works that the decision "will haunt me for the rest of my life."

Film critic and active alumnus Roger Ebert said he'll get his fill either way, but "Pork Day was something special. It's my fondest memory of college, by far."

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The Longest Groundhog Day

Feb. 2, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect
(Punxsutawney) Punxy Phil saw more than his shadow this morning and we're in for a long winter of discontent if today's events are any prophecy.

As usual, a crowd of well-wishers gathered around Phil's home and waited for him to arise and see, or not see, his shadow and divine for us the length of the remaining winter. However, Phil, apparently was tired of all this and arose toting a Japanese Switchblade Knife and lunged at the nearest smiling spectator.

After moments of blood and confusion, a band of Ace Massachusets fighting Eagles, swooped down and began spraying Phil's immediate area. The groundhog, trained by the special forces in Vietnam, took to the woods and began spraying back random cover fire. As the Eagle unit moved in for another pass, a unit of Pro-Phil Squirrels operating anti-aviary guns, sent half of the squadron of our nation's bird into a bloody heap amongst the now quite alarmed Groundhog Day revelers.

8 hours later Phil remains at large and a net of National Guard troops is coming the area. Most of the Wood Rodents Liberation Front has been rounded up but none could or would give any information about Phil's whereabouts.

"We're hoping for God's sakes he doesn't cross state lines," said Colonel Armand Narraine of the PennsylvaniaNational Guard. "If the Fed's get in on this there's no way we'll be able to protect him and he IS still a national symbol. Maybe more so now!"

21 on-lookers were wounded in Phil's first attack and several more received minor injuries during the Eagle incident. The Governor has declared his willingness to bargain with Phil for a calmer Groundhog Day and later sleep time.

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AT&T Switches to Sprint

Feb. 2, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin
(New York) AT&T shocked the nation today by announcing that the mega-corporation had switched all of it services to Sprint. Spokespeople for AT&T say it was an impulse decision.

"That Dime-a-Minute rate just looked too good to be true," said AT&T representative Paul Reiser. "We knew we had to jump on that baby before they changed their minds." Reiser ended the telephone interview by counting off the number of dimes he had spent. "One minute, two minute,see? We'll make a fortune off this deal!"

Sprint executives did not seem surprised by the big switch. "We've been laying fiberoptic wire since the late eighties," said Sprint's George Dalton. "We've been technologically ahead of AT&T for years. We knew they'd come around eventually." Market insiders speculate that AT&T has been losing money for some time, and has been looking for a graceful way to admit defeat for years.

"This Dime-a-Minute thing is just a ruse," said Dalton. "Sprint offered this up as the back door for AT&T, and AT&T was just smart enough to know when to bow out."

"That's not true," says Reiser. "This company is stronger than its ever been. And with these great savings that Sprint has promised, we're looking at a major comeback... er... being even stronger in the years to come." There is no word yet on what this shakeup may mean to the consumer.

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