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SuBBrilliant News Archives- March 1997 

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March 1997  

Issue for March 26, 1997

Liechtenstein Plunged Into Chaos

Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap Click On Headline to view in full screen
Stamps(VADUZ, Liechtenstein) In an all too familiar scene in Europe, rebels marched towards the capitol of this small Central European kingdom wedged between Austria and Switzerland today. Yet another village fell and Western diplomats predicted an orgy of killing, looting and stamp destruction. 

The rebel offensive began yesterday around tea time as troops loyal to rebel leader Jurgen Van Postleitzahl launched a violent offensive against the government of King Hans-Adam II, taking the eastern third of the country before breakfast. The rebels have taken over Oskar and Heide Mullbrueke's bed and breakfast and are reported to be within two miles of the capitol, Vaduz. They are expected to enter the city by dinnertime.  

Vaduz was in panic as fears of looting and stamp burning by undisciplined and intoxicated Swiss Guards caused residents to flee the city in Mercedes and Volvos piled high with clocks and gold pieces that, residents insisted, were not taken from Jewish families during World War II. Banks specializing in secret accounts closed early, forcing drug dealers and launderers of Nazi-plundered gold worldwide into financial chaos. 

Mr. Van Postleitzahl is a philatelist and former stamp designer with the Swiss Postal Service, Liechtenstein Division. The sale of collector's stamps is (along with secret bank accounts) Liechtenstein's main source of revenue. Mr. Van Postleitzahl began his rebel offensive after the government rejected his latest design for a postal stamp.  

Named "Der Wunderschoene David" (The Wonderful David), the stamp depicted U.S. television star and German rock singer David Hasselhoff as Friedrich Nietzsche's ideal of the Superman. In a letter received yesterday, the King described Mr. Van Postleitzahl's design as "at best silly, at worst basely homoerotic and not at all worthy of the exciting and respected field of philately." 

The King fled to the South of France for hemorrhoids treatment, while his government fell apart. Several interim leaders tried in vain to negotiate a peaceful settlement with Mr. Van Postleitzahl. A delegation was sent out to the city's edge and shouted to rebel troops over the hill, but talks broke down soon thereafter when the King's Palace announced that lunch would be a particularly fine cut of sauerbraten. 

Residents pleaded for the United States and the European Community to intervene. U.S. Marines announced an evacuation of U.S. diplomatic personnel from Vaduz and cautioned against Americans staying behind once the city fell. "It will be a bloodbath," said one official on condition of anonymity. "When will the world wake up and listen to what is happening here?" 

Asked today what the U.S. response would be, President Clinton responded thoughtfully, "Where?"  

White House Spokesperson Mike McCurry told reporters, "Now, damn it, they didn't contribute one dime, and you know it!" When told that reporters were not asking about campaign contributions, just the U.S.'s response to the troubles in Liechtenstein, Mr. McCurry added, "Oh, yeah, uh, of course, well, you know, the President is, of course, concerned, and just as soon as he finds out where Luxembourg is he'll uh, you know, well I can tell you it will not be like Bosnia." 


ABC/Capitol Cities Acquires SBN

Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood Click On Headline to view in full screen
(New York, NY) Subbrilliant News, Inc. shocked the infotainment industry today by accepting a lucrative bid by media powerhouse ABC/CAP Cities. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed, but SBN Chairman and CEO Acedtect told reporters, "It'll buy a helluva lot of beer!!" 

The announcement accompanied a press release that the staff of SBN would be downsized for efficiency. Wall Street responded favorably, with stock prices rising one-quarter of a point. 

Fueling speculation that the merger had been in the works for decades, SBN "personalities" appeared at a press conference to announce that SBN's staff would appear regularly in the ABC television lineup. 

"We believe these clean-cut young men will play in Peoria," said an ABC spokesman. "At least in some neighborhoods of Peoria." 

In the coming month Editor-In Chief Acedtect will appear on "Nightline" to discuss the economic impact of patent law reform. Rusputin will open up on the next "Barbara Walter's Special," tearfully recounting his childhood on the mean streets of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Maxlap will become a regular on "Relativity," playing an environmental activist who causes the twenty-something characters to re-think their materialist lifestyle. Conorlin will join Al, Dan, and Keith on the Monday Night Football broadcast crew. In the bombshell announcement, ABC officials announced that Gutwood would become Ellen Degeneres' lesbian lover on the hit sitcom "Ellen". 

"This thing's been in the works for decades," reported a source close to the negotiations. "How else would they have such specific plans for the SBN guys? The deal would have been done in time for the SBN staff to all go to Fantasy Island if it weren't for Acedtect's eccentricities. Negotiations stalled for a year over the shape of the negotiating table. He wanted a triangle, and not just any triangle, but an isosceles -- something about how the Czech's got screwed at Versailles. And then we had to fly our donuts in from some piss-ant bakery in Southern Illinois just because they had rhubarb-filled long johns."  

Critics of the deal fear that SBN, once America's most powerful and prestigious independent media outfit, would lose the very independence that once made SBN synonymous with the word "independent". Glen Gladdikian, author of many books and articles critical of the centralization of media resources, commented: "At this point I feel I can say, without hyperbole, that independent journalism is dead. Forever. Period. End of story." 

Acedtect, long a critic of Gladdikian's work, said "That's poppycock. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered, poppycock. To think that I, or any of the other SBN personalities could be bought off is preposterous. SBN will continue to provide the hard hitting, independent journalism that we always have. And that's a promise from Acedtect. Now if you'll excuse me I must go write a cover story on ABC's hilarious, family-oriented TGIF lineup --starting at 8, 7 Central and Mountain." 


France Up In Arms Over Opéra Scandale

Mar. 26, 1997 Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes Click On Headline to view in full screen
(PARIS) Ever uneasy about the invasion of their country by foreign influence, France was shocked to hear that the board of directors of the Opéra Bastille was to be replaced by a group of American businessmen, more capable of achieving the high ticket sales needed to ensure the survival of the principal French opera house. The new owners have since unveiled a radical plan which they believe will bring audiences flocking back to classical music. 

We all knew Disleyland Paris wasn't the greatest of successes when it opened a few years back. Now, it appears the struggling theme park is to team up with the similarly troubled opera house in an attempt to recover financial losses. How exactly this merger will come into being is not yet clear, but negotiations are well under way. The current plan is for Disleyland Paris to be dismantled and then rebuilt throughout the opera house - "not just in the auditorium," a spokesman said. "If the audience wants to reach their seats by roller-coaster, hell, we'll make sure they can." 

The plan has met with hostility from many quarters, including the French President, who has demanded that the negotiations be stopped immediately. His opinion is supported by the Ministry of Culture, which has pointed out that the opera house is built on the site of the Bastille prison, the storming of which marked the beginning of the French Revolution. "We cannot possibly tolerate Mickey Mouse invading the Bastille, symbol of our national heritage," a spokesman said. "Mon Dieu, it is a scandale." 

In spite of this, many world-famous singers have pledged their support for the plan. Luciano Pavarotti was just one to express his approval: "Me, I love-a the idea," he said. "I have-a always-a wanted-a to sing-a from-a the toppa of a water-chute-a." 

Under these conditions, it will be possible for Madonna to make her long-awaited operatic debut (as Mimi in La Boheme). Michael Jackson is believed to be planning a concert in the revamped opera house. 

The management has announced that they are looking for "fearless, uncompromising directors" to lead the adaptation of many opera and ballet plots so that they may suit the new surroundings: thus 'The Flying Dutchman' will be relocated in and around a ghost train, while the lake in 'Swan Lake' now becomes a shooting gallery. 

Purists will no doubt question the presence of theme-park attractions in an opera house, but hey, it sounds like fun to us. 



Mar. 26, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click On Headline to view in full screen)
(TOKYO) UltraMegacorp International announced a hostile takeover bid of the United States government today. UMC describes itself as a "multi-national asset holder with interests in many areas." They hope to reorganize the government and turn a profit by the year 2000. 

"UMC is of course very interested in the military division of US," said UMC spokesperson Brends Ronaldo "We have a small division of protective services in our company now but we would like to use US resources and superior training. We intend to downsize the government from 3 branches to one executive council and spin off the less productive departments like Education and Commerce. We see this as a 'win-win' situation for both US and UMC." 

When asked about the fate of the President and Congress, Ms. Ronaldo replied, "Of course we'll want to consolidate management and bring in a lot of our own people. From what I can tell US could use a good dose of TQM (Total Quality Management). Most of the lower staff will retain positions outside of those being downsized. Other than that I really can't tell you. I'm just hired through a press agency. I don't really know much of anything." 

The SEC has ruled itself ineligible to rule on the takeover because of the effect of the takeover on the SEC. Therefore an International Commision of businessmen including members of Shell, DuPont and Freeport-McRohan who also sit on the UMC board will rule in the case.


Crack Dealer Admits Dangers of Smoking

Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by RusputinClick On Headline to view in full screen
(DETROIT) Tyrone Powell, maker and distributer of POW! And ZAP! Brands of Crack Cocaine, has broken from the pack and admitted that Crack Cocaine is addictive and that Crack Dealers have known it for years. 

"Well, you know," said Powell. "You see, that's the whole thing, you know. You see, we get 'em hooked on the first one, right. 'Cause that one's free, see? Then, when we got 'em, right, after that first one, see then we got 'em. That's when we start charging. You get it?"  

Powell has hinted that he may release, to the press, taped conversations with his fellow pushers in which they acknowledge that Crack is not only addictive, but also possibly harmful. This unprecedented move would shatter the longstanding agreement among Crack dealers not to speak to the press. It would also settle a controversy that has raged for decades.  

"Yeah there's pressure, man," stated Powell. "But I figure, see, I figure I just gotta do what's right, dig? See, I dug deep down in my conscience, and I see that what I do, you know, it hurts people. I'm a bad man. And I gotta fix that."  

While Powell is a small businessman, he feels that his step forward will force the major dealers to follow. Many of his colleagues, however, disagree.  

"Man, he don't know what the hell he's talking about!" said Vice-Chairman of Michigan Spirit Crack Inc., "Slim" Jim Jeffrey. "Man, Crack is an all-natural product of the Earth. We don't add nothing, or take nothing out. This is the Crack Cocaine that God intended us to have, and we bring it to the people. That's what we do. Ain't nothing wrong there. Get outta my face." Industry analysts believe that this announcement will not hurt Crack sales in the long run, but will make most Americans think twice before picking up their pipe. 

"Smokey et le Bandit" Wins Oscar

Academy Praises Exotic Accents, Universal Theme

March 28, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood
(LOS ANGELES, with additional material from SBN TEXARKANA, Texas Bureau) Oscar may be as American as the Trans Am and Coors, but a French adaption of the American film classic "Smokey and the Bandit" swept Monday's Oscar ceremonies, winning best actor, supporting actor, supporting actress, best hound dog, and best song for the Paris Symphony Orchestra's rendition of Jerry Reed's "Bandit Theme (We Gonna Do What They Say Can't Be Done)" 

Director Guy St. Juneau, in his acceptance speech, thanked the Academy and Ultra Mega Corp, International "for believing in this project when other venture finance companies laughed." 

In the film, Bandit, played by Sir Laurence Olivier, runs interference in a souped up Trans Am for "Smokey II," a trucker who must drive from Atlanta to Texarkana, pick up $80,000 worth of Coors, and be back in Atlanta in 18 hours. 

"Ze script had all ze elements," said St. Juneau. "Fast cars, trucks, fat Southern sheriffs. I believe the race against time theme represents the human struggle to evade death, which is represented in the film by the stubborn, repressive Sheriff Buford T. Justice. It has truly been a labor of love." 

Critics of the film spoke of an "accent over substance" trend in the Academy, with one unnamed critic complaining that "hicks shouldn't even be allowed in the movies." 

But most of the audience was inclined to believe otherwise. "Oscar can't resist a European accent," said professional gossip Julie Brown. "Everyone who's seen this film has been mesmerized by the romantic dialogue." 

"Smokey et le Bandit" beat out what many consider the strongest group of nominees since the McCarthy era. "The Teley" -- a 2 and 1/2 hour British drama about a man who waits sullenly by a telephone, never speaking -- was the early favorite. Also nominated were "Bright", a sentimental tale about an eccentric chess prodigy who murdered an entire Australian village; and "Hollywood Formula", another sentimental tale about a dim-witted small-town Southern man who befriends a local youngster and becomes a war hero, star college football player, and a foosball champ. 

But to the victor go the spoils, and "SELB", as it's known in the industry, has taken hold of American culture. CB sales have tripled since the academy announced its nominees, and Pontiac revealed in a Monday press conference that they will begin issuing T-tops and painted "hood eagles" for the '98 model year. 

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Issue for March 21, 1997

Bathing Causes Cleanliness!

Doctors Warn of Washing-Hygiene Link

Mar. 21, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin Click On Headline to view in full screen
(The Hague, Netherlands) Researchers in Amsterdam announced the discovery of an elusive connection between cleanliness, and something most of us do everyday.  

"Yes, its true," stated Dr. Himmel von VanDerwyk. "Bathing causes cleanliness! Or to put it more succinctly, if you take a bath, or even a shower, chances are pretty high that you're going to get clean." Von VanDerwyk was working on an unrelated project, the effect of shoe polish on dogs, when he made his discovery. "Yes, we had just finished a series of Carnuba-Dachshund trials, when a lab assistant applied too much soap to one of the dogs. This 'accident' resulted in the dog becoming cleaner than any of us had ever seen. Well, not to be one who can ignore this kind of scientific revelation, I followed the lead."  

Said lead, eventually led von VanDerwyk to the most startling discovery of the decade. Experts feel certain that von VanDerwyk's claim will have repercussions throughout the entire world, though many dispute his radical findings.  

"You have to be careful with these kinds of scientific experiments," cautioned Daniel Johnson, MD, President of the American Medical Association. "Von VanDerwyk's work will have to be checked and rechecked, until we can be certain that his findings are inaccurate. We have never found any problem with bathing in the past and have prescribed it repeatedly for all kinds of ailments, even depression, without ever once receiving any complaint of cleanliness. We at the AMA refuse to accept that something we have all been doing for centuries can produce such an unexpected effect. We have never changed our minds about anything, and we would hate to change our minds about changing our minds."  

"We just never realised what we were doing to ourselves," cried von VanDerwyk. "washing and lathering, rinsing and repeating until there was nothing left of our original filth. Its time we wake up, and start taking better care of ourselves. We can't do whatever we want to our bodies. There are always repercussions."  

Experts predict an almost fifty percent reduction in bathing, as people attempt to slow the effects of cleanliness. Americans and residents of similar Western Industrial nations will be hit the hardest, while it seems that the French have once again been way ahead of us the whole time. 

"Borderwatch" On Hold

Mar. 21, 1997, 
Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Hollywood, USA) Rumours are flying about the future of "Borderwatch", Aaron Spellbound's projected series concerning Immigration and Naturalisation Service agents patrolling the southern border of California. According to the SBN Sources (and the National Enquirer), the casting director (who cannot be named for legal reasons) originally intended on casting professional actors for the parts of the illegal immigrants.  

California Governor Pete Wilson, who is to play the part of Mitch Wilson, the local squadron's sport-loving leader, is said to be against this. Wilson thinks real-life illegal immigrants should be cast in these roles. Furthermore, he insists, they should work for no pay and be deported afterwards.  

"They cause the state to waste a lot of money," Governor Wilson is quoted as saying. "It's time for them to do something for the state."  

Aaron Spellbound is keen to belittle these rumours. The official word was "no comment", but when pressed, his secretary revealed that he is considering Governor Wilson's proposals, purely on the grounds of adding verisimilitude to the show's exciting plots. Nonetheless, many personalities have expressed their hope that the series will go ahead, including President Clinton and Madonna. Both deny allegations that their support is merely due to their desire to guest star on the show. Similar rumours concerning Cher's wish to sing the title song, "(You better) Watch that border" have yet to be confirmed.

Man From Nantucket Sues

Mar. 21, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin (Click On Headline to view in full screen)
(Nantucket) Jerry Rieswaller, celebrated in limerick as the "Man from Nantucket", filed suit this week against anyone and everyone who has ever chanted the familiar limerick starting "There once was a man from Nantucket...".  

"Although I feel strangely complimented by the legend," said Rieswaller's statement. "I nonetheless find the limerick to be a defaming invasion of privacy."  

Rieswaller is seeking a sum of only two-hundred thousand dollars, which our experts assure us is just enough to pay for a 'reduction' operation. "Frankly I don't understand," said limerick artist Freddie Wishbone. "The Man From Nantucket is the best one I got. People love it. Sure I'll give him the money, but who's gonna wanna hear a limerick that goes 'There once was a man from Nantucket, Who wanted his p*** reducted...'? That doesn't even rhyme! For Christ's sake, the man should be thankful for what he's got. How many women are gonna turn down a guy with shlong as famous as his?" 

"Sure, I get lots of dates," said Rieswaller in a private interview. "But all they want to do is watch me, uh, you know like in the limerick. I mean, hey, I've been doing that for years. Now its somebody else's turn."  

Rieswaller is set to go to court next week, and will be representing himself despite numerous offers from the finest lawyers in the nation.  

Claims Rieswaller, "Who knows how to take care of my needs better than me?"  

Rieswaller repeatedly refused, however, to answer the one question on all of our minds here at SBN, but finally admitted off the record, "Yes, it is that long."

Homeless Muppets Out of Hand!

Mar. 21, 1997 Submitted by AcedtectClick On Headline to view in full screen
(Washington, DC) "Muppets should be our pals not a blight on the urban landscape begging for spare nickels," said President Clinton in an emotional speech to the "Club of Very Proper Non-Asian Democratic Backers Who Never Had Coffee With the President." 

The President called on Congress to ease the plight of millions of muppets thrown out of work by the death of Jim Henson. "I'm making it my top priority to create a national Muppet Service Plan (MSP) that will retrain out of work muppets and get them back in the mainstream of life. You know I'm a little fuzzy myself sometimes. I know what its like." 

The MSP calls for providing a 2 year retraining program for qualifying muppets. The program includes semi-skilled and skilled labour not requiring thumbs as well as jobs as mannequins, scratching posts and packing material. 

"I want to work. It's fun," said one homeless muppet who asked SBN not to use his name. "Sleeping on the street is not very cuddly! I miss my warm blanket and beddy!" 

Critics say Clinton's plan is too little too late and will hurt the muppet population more than help. "We've got an unemployment rate of 90% among muppets while K. T. Frog rakes in millions. What we need is some balancing to that equation. Retraining muppets and kicking them back on the street in 2 years isn't going to make the jobs problem go away," said Muppet Economist R. Franklin. "What we need is the graduated system of assistance and state sponsored television that England's Tony Blair proposes." 

Blair's proposal has met stiff resistance in the UK and is sure to become a main issue in the upcoming election. "There is no Muppet Problem in as far as I am aware," said Prime Minister John Major. "There are no problems in the UK. We are doing fine. There is no poverty, hunger, underemployment or anything. We're just fine thank you. What was the question?" 

SBN will forward donations of any amount to the Homeless Muppet Trust. Send your pledge to acedtect@concentric.net today!

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Issue for March 12, 1997

Rulers of the World Meet in Belgium

Mar. 12, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Bruxelles, Belgium) Complaining that the caterer only served them Watney's Red Barrell and bitterly lambasting the local cheese, the Rulers of the World met for their monthly conference on the state of things in general.
"Not bad," was the consensus. "I'm rich, how about you Phil?" one of them is reported to have remarked. "Rolling in it," said Phil. "Don't know what to do with the stuff." 
The committee for distracting wars promised to rejuvenate its efforts to promote pointless tribal scuffles in Africa and apologised for the Serbian troubles. "Way too much content in that one," said the committee chairman, "could've got people thinking. Sorry about that."
The Cultural Head asked for ideas for his department, considering that the Michael Jackson baby story wasn't doing much good and O. J. had been milked for all it's worth. "They're sick of trials. What we need is another Amy Fisher, where the issue is down home, nonlegal and totally pointless. That was a beaut."
The Ethics Committee glowed about their continuing work with the governments of Britain and the US. "We've got the Tories looking like reprobates!" he chirped. "Even Al Gore has mud on his coat. We're doing great!"
The meeting adjourned with the confirmation of Jane Smith as Secretary of Confusing Legal Methods, the first woman in the rulers of the world. "It's about time, said Phil. Of course she's got a limited position. And at least she's white."

Rabid Microphone Goes on Biting Spree

Mar. 11, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Washington, DC) Celebrities and commoners alike are in fear of a deadly microphone unleashed from an unknown scientific lab in the DC area. From Flint, Michigan machinist Ralph Moratore to US Senator Ted Kennedy, the microphone is sparing no one.
"It's the media," said News Analyst Rollie Spearman. "They've really let this sound bite thing get out of control." Others wondered if a cloning experiment for Tom Brokaw had gone awry.
"I ain't sayin' I knows," said Dr. Vandrel McPhereson of Harvard's Media & medicine Department. "But I hears things, ya know. I hears they's been clonin' Brokaw since the 70's. He don't look right do he? I mean think about it."
"All I know," said Machinist, Moratore, "Is the Federal Government needs to step in and take care of this problem. They've kept the country focused on inner city violent crime for too long. While that type of crime goes down, we have innocent people being laid off, poisoned by large corporations and now bitten by rampaging microphones. It's ridiculous."
President Clinton and leaders of Congress have refused to comment on the situation. Senator Kennedy's office reported that he is "well and resting ... actually passed out, but it's not what you think!"
The microphone attacked Moratore in Flint at 7:15PM CST Mar. 10, 1997 as he was leaving his job, after staying 2 hours extra, 'absolutely voluntarily' according to the company. There has been no word of its whereabouts since. SBN will keep you aware of any further reports. Send any information you may have regarding these incidents to acedtect@concentric.net. Be sure to include 'RAMPAGING MICROPHONE' in the subject heading.

Bosley Alive

Mar. 12, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect (Click On Headline to view in full screen)
(Hollywood, USA) Subbrilliant News and Ace Dtect wish to apologise for a mistake in last weeks story about the death of Tom Bosley. It appears that Mr. Bosley is alive and doing well. He zipped a bag in our presence to prove it. "See! Yellow and blue make a living Tom Bosley," he told editor Ace Dtect. "Geez what is with you people. Don't you fact check!"
As a matter of fact, Mr. Dtect informed Mr. Bosley about our policy of not insulting reporters by questioning the authenticity of their stories. Mr. Bosley pointed out that Mr. Dtect had written the incorrect story himself to which Mr. Dtect replied, "Exactly, Tom ol' Pal. And I sure as heck ain't gonna sit there and grill myself. I have the highest respect for myself and wouldn't insinuate such a thing!"
Mr. Bosley stormed off as Mr. Dtect promised to make apologies to children Joanie and Richie. Mr. Bosley screamed, "They're not my kids!" which Mr. Dtect chose to ignore as a heated statement made without thinking. There are hours of videotape of Mr. Bosley at home with Richie and Joanie and SBN would not dare to question the darling children's legitimacy. 
Once again we apologise for the mistaken reporting of Mr. Bosley's demise and wish He, his family and their friend Sheriff Andy, the best of luck.
All contributions sent to the Tom Bosley fund have been placed in escrow for the event of Mr. Bosley's death.

International Aspic Expo '97 Kicks Off

Mar. 12, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Biloxi, Mississippi) In an effort to revive the dying aspic industry, aspic executives are pulling out all the stops in this year's International Aspic Expo (IAE). The theme "we're gonna kick your aspic, gelatine" shows the resurgence of confidence in the aspic industry.
"Ten years ago the aspic industry was pronounced dead," says industry analyst Marv Freeman. "But today we show strong indicators that aspic consumption is on the rise. We're bullish on aspic!"
Aspic is a gell made usually from fish or meat. For years, the gelatine industry, led by Jell-O brand has all but driven aspic under the table.
"They captured the idea that gelatine was more fun than aspic," says marketing expert Jan Colfaxe. "That worked great in the me 70's and selfish 80's but now people are turning to a more intelligent attitude. What's good in Jell-O? What does it do for me in the long run? People are turning to a more long term commitment to gell's. They're turning away from one night 'fun stands' with gelatines and embracing the long term support of aspic."
This year, IAE features appearances by essayist Andre Codrescu and sports commentator Marv Albert, a long time supporter of aspic. The keynote address will be delivered by Toni Morrison.

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Issue for March 5, 1997

World Mourns Crime Fighter's Death!

March 5, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect Click On Headline to view in full screen
(New York)The death of one of the world's greatest leaders in the fight against crime, passed silently this past week. A man who took on the hard work and took none of the credit will be sorely missed in an America that need's heroes like him.
While Charlie made the occaisonal phone call and goofed off with a long parade of sordid bimbos not good enough to be one of his 'angels,' it was Tom Bosley who fought the real crime.When the angels got stuck in a jam, Bosley showed up to scrape them out.
But this constant vigilance against crime didn't keep Bosley from focusing on family issues either. He had time to raise two children, Joanie and Richie and become a worldwide spokesman for Food Safety. Who can forget Bosley's sincere face warning us to make the yellow and blue come together to make green and ensure freshness.
While many have focused on the last gasps of Frank Sinatra and Deng Xiaoping, it was Bosley who called no attention to his plight and yet, will be sorely missed. How many diabolical crime bosses will rest easy tonight in Bosley's absence? Who will comfort Joanie and Richie as they grieve? Who will care enough to remind us that zip-loc bags are not only a choice but a freshness neccessity?
SBN cares and to prove it we've set up the Tom Bosley fund for Crime Prevention, Cute Nuclear Families and Food Freshness, or simply ToBoFFCuPreCuNFamAFooF. Please send your pledge to acedtect@concentric.net or snail mail to:
SuBBrilliant News
ToBoFFCuPreCuNFamAFooF Director
915 West 21st Street Suite 9
Austin, TX 78705
Show us you Care! We'll miss you Tom! 

Deng Xiaoping and The Yellow Brick Road

Mar. 5, 1997, Submitted by Conorlin Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Peking)This past week saw the end of an era as Deng Xiaoping, the most powerful man under 5 feet tall since Napoleon, passed away at the age of 92. He was known world-wide for his political acumen, his Bridge mastery, and, most recently, his ruthlessness in the face of political dissent.
munchkinsNot so well known, however, is the pivotal contribution Deng made to American Cinema. Called for a movie audition during his 1930's exile to the West, he made the most of the only English phrase he had mastered, "Follow the Yellow Brick Road." A phrase he had learned while studying the monetary policy behind the gold standard.
The movie was 'The Wizard of Oz,' and his masterful articulation of that phrase ("Fowwo the yewwo bwick woad") caught the ears of not only the Director, Producer, and Judy Garland herself, but also the entire ensemble of little people assembled for the audition.
"We saw their (the studio's reaction," says David (the Cannonball) Odowitcz, who also performed in 'Oz,' "and it was clear that we had to talk like that in order to have a chance to be a Munchkin."
"My Mom was in love with Deng Xiaoping," said Liza Minelli. "She told him to say it and say it again and again. But of course that was the only thing he could say, which caused Mommy to become very depressed."
Some historians identify Deng's relationship with Miss Garland during filming to be the intellectual seed for the Open Door Policy which later transformed China into an international superpower.

Doomsday Asteroid Approaches

Mar. 5, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin Click On Headline to view in full screen
(Houston, TX) Scientists at the NASA Space Center speculate that we have only days before a monstrous, newly discovered asteroid enters our solar system on a direct course for the planet Earth. The asteroid, named Hank Lufkin, after the Arizona man who first discovered it, is estimated at the diameter of the moon. 
Imagine an Asteroid HereThe Hubbell Telescope failed to pick up the asteroid which, according to SBN sources at NASA, is due to 65 year old Mission Commander Ken Bowersox smearing the lens with reconstituted Tang as a practical joke during his last Space Walk. 
The Pentagon put Commando Cody in charge of the problem. He has been in closed-door meetings with NASA officials all week. Whatever its size, the Hank Lufkin is no average asteroid by any account.
"It is apparently emitting a Radio signal," said NASA scientist Dr. Lars Ventana. "Which can't be happening, even though it is. We have several committees at work on this right now. We may yet discover that this really isn't happening. Because of course it can't. Asteroids just don't emit radio signals. Even though this one is. You see, it's clearly a disturbing matter for us scientists." 
But not so disturbing for Mr. Hank Lufkin, whose recent discovery has brought his name to the lips of the entire scientific community. The halls of science ring with "Damn Lufkin" and "...pullled a Lufkin". 
"Well, I clicked on my ham radio around noon, like I always do," said Lufkin in an exclusive with this reporter, "and blasting out of it comes Deep Purple's 'Smoke on the Water'. I thought I tuned in to some radio station by mistake, but no, that song was coming from outer space. Somebody up there was playing my favorite song, and I just knew I had to find out who. I don't have many friends." 
That's when Lufkin called NASA, who confirmed his discovery and bestowed upon him the honor of naming the Asteroid that will surely bring destruction to us all. NASA and the President are currently working on a plan to save us from this destructive ball of rock. Observers near Kennedy Space Center have reported numerous shuttle launches over the last few days, though NASA officials have been increasingly unavailable for comment.
Any information YOU have on the Hank Lufkin hurtling toward us should be mailed immediately to Rusputin's attention at acedtect@concentric.net!

TV Preview: PBS's Run For The Border

Mar. 5, 1997 Submitted by Maxlap Click On Headline to view in full screen)
(Hollywood, USA) Trying to bring the hit formula of "Baywatch," to bear on a hard-hitting issue, Hollywood producers unveil an exciting new show underwritten by Taco Bell next month. "Borderwatch" will portray a group of young, bikini-clad Immigration and Naturalization Service agents who patrol the southern border of California as they seek and deport illegal immigrants from Mexico.
As an added attraction, the show will star California Governor Pete Wilson in the role of Lieutenant Mitch Wilson, the leader of the local squadron who jogs shirtless every day up and down the border. 
"I'm excited about my role," said Governor Wilson. "I've never been in a television series before, and I admit I hesitated, but I just fell in love with the script. Kicking out immigrants won't be much of an acting stretch for me. Maybe PBS... nahh."
The show's producer, Aaron Spellbound, effuses optimism that the show can re-create the worldwide success of "Baywatch."
"But this is not going to be some all-fluff, T & A show," insisted Spellbound. "Illegal immigration is a serious issue and we plan to deal with it in an up front and in depth manner." 
Spellbound's daughter, Tori, who plays Agent Royce Fitzhumes, added, "I mean like, once, in one episode, Pete--I mean Mitch-- wants to deport this like really old lady, and I said, 'Mitch, this is like deporting your grandmother. Would you deport your grandmother?' So, you know, it really gives the audience, like, something to think about. By the way, these are my real breasts."
"Tori's a great actress," said Wilson. "I've enjoyed working with her tremendously. I'm thinking of naming her Secretary of Education."
Spellbound said the key to the show's success will be, "jogging. We want the cast to jog a lot, up and down the border. Agents really do that, you know." He foresees Wilson as "a father figure, one all the agents look up to. This is going to play great in Germany, you mark my words. In a year Pete Wilson will be bigger than Hasselhoff over there. Because those people have taste."
The show will be filmed on location, which is just fine with Wilson, a former San Diego mayor. "It's good to be home, with real Americans, not like those freeloading hippies up north." Wilson also answered persistent charges that the show's hectic filming schedule will lead him to neglect his official duties. "Pure nonsense," said Wilson, adding, "It just shows the ignorance of the liberal media of my policies. I mean, it's not exactly Plato's Republic up there. You want to know my philosophy on government? Lock 'em up, cut 'em off, kick 'em out. This doesn't take a lot of time, people."
Wilson's foray into acting brings to mind another California actor/governor, Ronald Reagan. Last week the former President showed up at his Century City office to celebrate his birthday with a number of unfortunate Girl Scouts. Reagan's upbeat spokeswoman said that despite his advanced Alzheimers' Syndrome, "he still shows up to work every day. You know, sort of like it was at the White House."


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