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SuBBrilliant News Archives- March 1998

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China Innovates Revenue Collection

Country to be known as 'The Dupont People's Republic of China'

Sun, 29 Mar 1998 18:40:37 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

BEIJING, March 29 (SBN) - China plans to raise its revenue 10 billion dollars by 2000, the China Daily Business Weekly said on Sunday.  The last remaining Communist superpower will achieve the revenue increase by taking a cue from professional and college sports in capitalist America.

A 50-50 joint venture between German BASF, and US Dupont will begin the program. Each of whom would inject 500 million dollars into the country.  Dupont will receive exclusive sponsorship of the name of the nation while BASF will receive sponsorship of the nationality.

By the year 2002, all correspondence, legal documents and official publications will bear call the nation 'The Dupont People's Republic of China' while referring to all Chinese nationals as BASF Chinese.

The process will begin with a test run in the southern Hainan province to take advantage of abundant natural gas supplies there.

Dupont has invested on the order of 300 million dollars in China so far,  in three wholly owned manufacturing facilities and eight joint ventures. It is the largest foreign investor in the chemical sector.

Other projects in the works include a 30-million-dollar venture with Prudential for sponsorship of the Great Wall of China, Proctor & Gamble's Secret Forbidden City, and TianenMennen Square.

A 90-million-dollar sponsorship of Shanghai's Winnie-the-Pudong  Area formally began operations last week by Disney.

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Reno & Allbright Say Jobs Suck

President Parlays Penis Probe Into Preposterous Popularity

Sat, 28 Mar. 1998 20:20:35 GMT Story from SBN / Tyedye 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, DC, 28-MAR-1998 (SBN) In a joint press conference held yesterday, Attorney General Janet Reno and Secretary of State Madaleine Allbright announced that they both won their high level jobs only after granting sexual favors to President Clinton.

The announcement came as no surprise to Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, who perseveres in his allegations that Clinton has groped virtually every female employee of the US Government, regardless of their looks, age, or sexual predilection, in his “egomaniacal quest to surpass LBJ and JFK as the most prolificly potent President ever.”

Mounting under insinuations that Clinton has lied under oath and suborned perjury to conceal his voracious sexual appetite, Congress is being lobbied by NOW (National Organization of Women) to require castration of all future elected Presidents to insure that they "conduct the public's business using their big head rather than their little one."

Starr continued to probe for incriminating innuendoes about Clinton’s predacious sexual harassment campaign, stalking the President's potential penis victims by placing “Jane Doe” Subpoena leaflets on the windshields of every car parked in the White House Garage. In grand jury testimony leaked to SuBBrilliant News last week, it was revealed that Clinton has been a subscriber and avid fan of the eXXXtacy Channel since he took office.

An aide testified that the President was intending on using his extensive Hollywood contacts to pursue his dream of “producing, directing, and starring in high budget adult films with more realism, better lighting, and more preoccupation with oral sex .” Hillary Rodham-Clinton steadfastly defended her husband with declarations that Brobdingnagian Invaders from outer space are conspiring with Jerry Falwell’s Moral Majority to humiliate the President and remove him from office.

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Mrs. Clinton insisted that her husband has been impotent since his election 6 years ago due to the stress of campaigning and work fatigue. To the dismay of political analysts, President Clinton’s public approval rating jumped another 9 points after the latest allegations and revelations, rising to an all time high of 101%.

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University of Arizona Defeated

Emergency Rooms Say Fever Epidemic Nearly Over.

FRI, 27 Mar 1998 13:53:37 GMT Story from SBN / Lurkette & Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

TUCSON, AZ - March 27, 1998 (SBN)Two ft. long "We're #1" fingers lay strewn across the city of Tucson, Arizona stirred by the dry winds of a broken dream.

Distraught fans have caused hundreds of traffic accidents while tearing off their red U of A Final Four tee shirts and jumping in front of traffic in  the final throws of 'Wildcat Fever.'

Surviving Wildcat fans say they were attempting to relieve themselves from the overwhelming misery brought on by the fever combined with complications from an utter humiliating defeat.

Some area clothing shops which had already printed U of A's Season  Championship hats, shirts, and other memorbalia, burned their shops to the ground and sat in the ashes in hairshirts after the loss.

While admissions for 'Wildcat Fever' at University Medical Center and other area hospitals have declined, other disturbances have risen. Several incidents of homeless people running screaming from an offer of "a free shirt" have been reported.    Area Crisis Hotlines were deluged with suicidal callers holding non-refundable airline tickets to the Championships in San Antonio.

Reverand Wilfred Windrab of Tucson's Chapter of the Christian Coalition stated that he thinks the community should be ashamed of placing such importance on a basketball game. Windrab  is calling for Tucson  to pray for it's collective soul.

One Wildcat fan echoed the sentiments of many when he responded, "Hell, no, I ain't praying. I done my year's worth of praying durin' the second half of last week's game".

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Christian Coalition Pickets March Madness

Claims Basketball Replaces Religion

MON, 23 Mar 1998 15:39:15 GMT Story from SBN / Bluedog! 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

GREENSBORO, NC - March 23, 1998 (SBN) Members of the Right-wing Christian Coalition picketed fans entering the Greensboro Coliseum for the NCAA Basketball Tournament this weekend, claiming that the fans’ fervor for the game was replacing religion in their hearts.

“A lot of folks around here eat, sleep, and breathe college basketball,” said Micah Roberts, Christian Coalition Eastern Chapter president. “They’ve wrapped their whole existence up around one ACC team or another,” he stated, "when they should be dedicating their life to the Lord.”

Indeed, fans entering the coliseum had painted their bodies blue and white, and were chanting school songs in preparation for Saturday evening’s game. “In this Holy Lenten Season leading up to Easter,” Roberts continued, “these peoples’ time could be better spent in denial and suffering in order to demonstrate their faith in Jesus.”

The ex-president of the Christian group, Ralph Reed, denounced the entire concept of “March Madness” at a press conference in San Antonio, site of the Final Four games. “This madness builds all winter until it explodes into a paganistic frenzy of basketball during March. he said. “It smacks of idol worship and Roman orgies of competition."

The Christian Coalition supporters also protested outside the Midwest regional playoffs in St. Louis, the nearest playoff site to Indiana and Kentucky, which Reed deemed another hotbed of basketball mania.

"Fans in these areas of the country forsake all that is holy to indulge their ‘Hoops Madness’ during March.” he continued. "We want to stop this pagan influence before it infects the rest of the country."

All tournament games continued without incident. Fans seemed oblivious to the protesers.

"Their asses are so tight, they get upset if anyone else has any fun," said one fan in Greensboro. Another said, "I’m all for their right to free speech, but between you and me, these folks would fuck up a wet dream."

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Big Mac National Park Dedicated

Government Gives up National Park System, Closes Interior Dept.

Wed, 18 Mar 1998 23:52:26 GMT Story from SBN / Terry "Bluedog!" McElroy 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

 WASHINGTON, 18-MAR-1998 (SBN) - Texas’ Big Bend National Park, sponsored and managed by McDonald’s Corporation, will now be known as Big Mac National Park. It is just the latest corporate takeover since the Government announced last month that it has given up stewardship of the National Park system.

“It’s a sad thing to see happen,” said Bruce Babbitt, former Secretary of the Department of the Interior, “but the US Government just doesn’t have the money to maintain these national treasures anymore. This plan helped many of our largest sports arenas get back in the black, and we don’t see any reason why it won’t work for the Park system.”

Big Mac Park is McDonald’s second takeover, following its purchase on Tuesday of the rights to Arches National Park in Utah, now known as Golden Arches National Park. Terms of the two deals have not been announced, but they are each rumored to be in the US$2 billion range. Another possible US$3 billion could be in the works if the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial, also known as St, Louis' Gateway Arch agrees to add a second arch and be painted yellow.

McDonald’s Senior Vice-President John Charleton, at the Big Mac National Park ribbon-cutting ceremony yesterday, stated, “This is a great day for McDonald’s and a great day for America. McDonald’s represents American culture to millions of people around the world. We feel Big Mac Park can be the gateway to the USA for Central and South America.”

Charleton’s remarks were made while handing out McDonald’s fries and Happy Meal toys to illegal immigrants at the border crossing to Boquillas, Mexico.  McDonalds’ move follows last week’s opening of Chrysler’s Grand Caravan National Park (Grand Canyon) in Arizona, and Coca-Cola’s winning bid over Dupont Paints for Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, which will be renamed Mello-Yellowstone National Park after the popular soft drink marketed by Coke.

Coca-Cola President Douglas Ives, in a prepared statement, said, “We think the new name will make people want to come here, kick back, and have a relaxing vacation.” Rumors that the company will tint the park’s famous Old Faithful Geyser a yellowish-green color were not confirmed.

In the east, a fierce bidding war has developed between tobacco giants Philip Morris and R. J. Reynolds for North Carolina’s Great Smoky Mountains National Park. “We feel this is a natural advertising vehicle for us,” said an R.J. Reynolds spokesman. “Our concern for our customers’ wellbeing leads us to offer them a healthy country atmosphere in which to enjoy smoking.”

So far, sponsorship of the national parks has been limited to U.S. corporations, but there have been inquiries from foreign groups. “Due to California’s large Asian population, Toyota approached us about purchasing a controlling interest in Yosemite National Park, which would be re-christened ‘Toyotasemite National Park,’” said White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry. “However, the president feels that would not be in the best interests of the USA at this time.”

Finally, in a deal expected to be approved today, Victoria’s Secret has purchased the rights to Wyoming’s Grand Teton National Park, and is expected to rename it “Miracle Bra National Park.” The park was discovered by French furtrappers in the 1700’s. Grand Tetons means “Large Breasts” in french, in reference to the park’s soaring peaks.

The corporate sponsorship program, though controversial, is expected to rejuvenate the ailing National Park System, which had been in decline for several years due to decreased funding.

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Congress to Ban Modular Homes

Mon, 2 Mar 1998 19:28:55 GMT Story from SBN / Tyedye 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, 2-MAR-1998 (SBN)  Newt Gingrich today announced that he will be sponsoring legislation prohibiting the construction of Modular Homes and their placement into Mobile Home Parks throughout the nation.

Citing Scripture and claiming that the Holy Bible itself prophesized about the vulnerability and unholiness of dwelling in Mobile Home Parks, Gingrich believes restricting people from risking their lives in disaster prone parks will save at least 185,000 lives a year nationwide, and just as many souls.

Said Gingrich, “Even most Christians are not aware that the Word of God frowns upon the sinfulness of buying cheaply manufactured homes and depositing in cursed atmospheres. Anyone who cannot see that God himself targets Mobile Home Parks and purifies such evil real estate by their destruction has been deceived by Satan.”

The passage that Gingrich and other Bible Scholars refer to is from the Old Testament: “My wrath is upon the Homes of Modular, and I shall destroy them, for they are fragile and susceptible to tornadoes which twisteth, waters which floodeth, and mudeth which slideth. My children are forbidden to dwell in them, nor visit them, nay, nor look upon them neither. Build them and sell them for the profit of God’s Kingdom they may, but only the wicked inhabit them, for they are cursed in mine eyes, and yieldeth to the temptations of Satan and inclement weather. Repent! Ye dwellers of the Mobile Home Cloister, For El Nino is near!” Tyrone 4 : 2

Congress is expected to pass the law, historically adopting all proposed legislation which has its basis in Scripture. Said political analyst Pat Buchanan, “As the ‘One Nation Under God’, who are we to second guess the divine wishes of our namesake”?

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