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SuBBrilliant News Archives- June 1993 

Past Articles of SuBBrilliant News for the month of June, 1993 are collected here for your convenience.

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June, 1993

Exciting New Meals With Modern Day Lamb

4th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
Little tiny cute little sheep are great when they're skewered and roasted in onion.  An even more exciting way to eat one is raw or even alive.

Don't let the fact that they're cuddly little living beings not too far removed from homo sapiens bother you.

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and can't know where to find them. Leave them alone and they'll be shown on spits in Prairie Farmer.
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Ask Bo "Buddah" Cogglesnop

4th June, 1993
Dear Bo,
You look like a smart dapper young man.  How do you ease those lonely nights?  Call Me

Have you ever tried sheep to ease those lonely late night cravings?  Braise broiled or fricaseed, they're a wonderful late night snack to drive away the hungries.  Eat one tonight!!!
(I don't have your number.)

Dear Bo
Life on the prairie is hard and short

Sorry dude.
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Pig Wins Contest After Sprouting Strange Numbers

4th June, 1993 Tom Merritt
Scientists and theologists continue to ponder the strange signifigance of the numbers 45 and 29-3 appearing suddenly one night on the side of the 1992 world pork expo champion Yoirkshire Boar.

"I allas knew there's sumpin differnt bout'm," said Dr. Phinneas T. Kalmuffin, Ph. D. Boarology.

"Well, he's always had a significant spiritual side to him, a sort of rapturous savois faire which I must say has puzzled me no end. I attribute it to a strange combination of diet, atmospheric conditions, and unique mental energies," said owner Bob Dewbottom.

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Today's Stream (Now streamlined)

4th June, 1993
The words of flash boil brainlessly down into my well waiting eyes searching for the pig of distinction to overcome my hobnobbery of instant vortex curves and struggle to the top of a bland yellow fish which when placed in the ear of a starving wombat will yield spectacular fisheries floating above the planets rings.  why couldn't it? you see the world and watches are too flattering in their ways of gewtting go go dancers to stand on their heads in front of starving clowns who dow away too much coke in their off time and so the typewriter licensers wopnce again catch rtthe maruding bandit ewbo ii tries to get away with printing whatever the hell i

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8th June, 1993 submitted by Tom Merritt Click Here to return to Front Page.
That's right folks. You can find out all the secrets to life the universe and everything when you cross that great barrier between the human mind and true understanding...death! Just think of all the great secrets and mysteries you'll discover after you die. The pyramids, UFO's, sex, Luke Perry, not to mention having all those pesky questions about the after life (like Where do we go when we die? and Is there a heaven?) answered and out of the way.

Death also solves your money problems by legally transferring all debts to your estate which you can leave to your most hated relative. Think of it, instant solvency and revenge all in one! What a deal!! But wait, that's not all. You'll also get freedom from bothersome earthly desires, like hunger, depression and television, absolutely FREE immediately upon death. For more information call directory assistance in Detroit, Michigan, USA and ask for Kevorkian, Dr. Jack. Call Now!!!!!!

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Today Is Potatoe Day! Eat a Spud with a Bud

8th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
When I started typing the date I realized that this was a special day.  Not knowing exactly what day that would be I decided to make one up.  And so,  in the world of the SubBrilliant today is Potatoe day.

Not Potato day mind you.  Our potatoe day poster boy is former Vice President of the free world J. Danforth Quayle.  So Walk around all day munching on those wonderful tubers and misspelling everything you can.

Today's Stream -- Episode V -- The Carrot

8th June, 1993
Orange yellow steamy and bright our friendly fellow will not fight, he wants to be eaten by Bugs Bunny and when he's cooked he gets kinda runny.  the carrot friends is what we speak of dangling opur prepositions oh what the hell a stream is not supposed to rhyme anyway and gramattical rules can certainly be shot out the window of our vermout and rum hazy shades of wintry berths where the gremlins of consciousness spout a bout the corn and weather vains that haunt the land of chaff ans chafee where my brilliant bautiful new baby blue boy runs screaming form the monsters that haunt our feeble minds with large bing cherries dropping fretfully from the sky into surreal cherry sodas drunk by large imposing aliens which strut and fre t and pre tend to have read shakespeare but they are isdiots full of john steinbeck and signifying theputrid decline of the worlds foremost power on earht since thee days of wine and ceasr

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Today's Prayer

9th June, 1993
A hue and cry went up from young and old as co-reverends Richie "Glory" and Linda "Seraphim" revealed the greatest truth of theology yesterday.  Thousands cheered and thronged in the street.

God Made Us Stupid
And We Liked It... Amen

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Today's Stream

9th June, 1993
The perikl of a missing fish in the dark but clear waters of the asian atlantic reveals the cold metal of an aquarian angel sent from the darkest reaches of my refrigerator to reclaim the lost

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Scientists Discover Amazing Food Facts

Brussel Sprouts Are Carniverous

12 June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
They're small and slimy and most people hate to eat them.  But now scientists have discovered a rational reason for our fear of brussel sprouts.

Once, long ago, brussel sprouts much larger than their tiny modern descendants roamed the land breathing fire and margarine and eating mammals, reptiles, and even humans!!! ( yes, humans are mammals.)

Doctors at the JGG (Jolly Green Giant) labs, accidentally left an open can of brussel sprouts near a pile of Ecrich luncheon loaves.  When they returned they found the brussel sprouts had formed huge teeth and were devouring the loaves.

Today's brussel sprouts are largely vegetarians and have adapted to a photosynthetic diet.  But apparently vestiges of their ancestors remain in their genes and when placed near non-active meat, they will devour it.

Scientists say the sprouts are still safe for shoppers and gardners but advise placing sprouts away from the meat drawer in the refrigerator.

"I've always wondered what happened to that last bit of meatloaf," said Doctor P. G. Pyooskop, "but I guess the last laugh was on the sprout, 'cause when we were out of meatloaf we'd have to eat brussel sprouts."

Vegetarian groups are currently wrestling with views on the consumption of brussel sprouts and will publish a pamphlet shortly.

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Local Girl Wins "What's Wrong with Gimpy Jack's Tractor" Contest

12 June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
Darla's SketchAfter losing more than one digit, and a "handful" of knuckles and one wrist, "Gimpy" Jack Smaglot decided to put up a reward for who could fix his tractor.

A diagram was submitted by Darla Lyn Redgrape of Paris, Illinois.  She happened to pick up one of Jack's pamphlets at the local beauty parlour and drew up a quick sketch without ever seeing the machine.

"There was only one way that a planter of Jack's make and model could have taken off exactly those pieces of his body.  It was elementary really.  I read a lot of mystery novels and farm magazines when I'm waiting to get my hair done, so I guess I had the background knowledge for it."

Ms. Redgrape is now the proud owner of fresh rhubarb pie and a jar of Jack's fingers.

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12 June, 1993
Thereby lies the torrid tale of incestuous lamps which sit with their feet up looking smugly ata world of gimpy platonic dancers who crash and bang their hour in the nautilus shell where the guy asks if you want the free plastic cheese bag with the coating of dressing for only a dollar and a half when all you really want is the cheap high off the fumes of tomorrow's eagle slowly dying and swimming into the light of a darkened pool of grape juice without the cranberry's which body hates but the all pretend because of their watches are so well timed and their salaries wave above their mental freedom as a cap on which the perliois

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It's True!!!

US Department of Interior and Bookstacks Workin' for the Man

22 June, 1993 by Tom Merrit
An amazing discovery was made by an anonymous source who tipped the sub News off to the existence of a "Management Development Program" brochure called a "Plan for the Man."

After reading this document, we are appaled.  This booklet is actually a plan for the infamous "man." You really are "workin' for the man," and you have a right to be angry "at the man."

This document details intricate and subtle manipulations of government, media, and religion in order to keep anyone with intelligence, "...down.  These people must be kept in the lowest most ineffective reaches of the social strata. Bookstacks employment as a page or even as high as a clerk is an acceptable example of how we can keep these people down."

No longer is the phrase, "the man's keepin' me down" a glib cynical metaphor, but instead a direct paraphrase from the man's own plan.

As of yet there is no clear direction from "the people" as to what to do.  It seems to be a good idea to stay away from the parks and the bookstacks.

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The Amphibians Came To Conquer

June 22, 1993, Submitted by M. Wheeple Ormayer
After months of special research, I have finally found the connection. All this Jurassic Park nonsense made me wonder about what really happened to the Dinosaurs and now I know. In an intricate series of events involving a man named Thursday who dressed as an Elephant, Vegetable Man and his wife Julie Shades, the dinosaurs were conquered by an invasion of large frogs and salamanders from the planet Mercury.
In those days, dinosaurs ruled the Earth and the only Homo Sapiens alive were Vegetable Man, His Wife Julie Shades and the Man Who Was Thursday.
Vegetable Man spent his time avoiding Brachiosaurs and conspiring with T-Rex's and Thursday dressed as an Elephant and tried to avoid being stepped on.
One day Vegetable Man went too far and hired a group of mercenary amphibians from Mercury to come destroy the Brachoisaurs. An old historical tale unfolded as, much like the Saxons, the Amphibians came not just to aid, but also to conquer.A world war between frogs, salamanders and dinosaurs broke out. Vegetable man was killed and JUlie Shades fell in love with Thursday who was eventually stepped on. She named the day of his death after him and moved north to start the human race. The amphibians and the dinosaurs annihilated each other and humans were left to dominate the Earth.



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Today's Stream Pat Nixon Memorial Edition

22 June, 1993
Pat Nixon is dead. Pat Nixon is dead. Pat Nixon is dead she knew nothing about Watergate. Pat Nixon is dead Pat Nixon is dead Pat Nixon is dead Pat Nixon is dead she knew nothing about vietnam Pat Nixon is deadPat Nixon is deadPat Nixon is dead she knew nothing about wire taps pat nixon is dead pat nixon is dead pat nixon is dead pat nixon is dead is dead she knew nothing about China pat nixon is dead pat nixon is deadpat nixon is dead she knew nothing about spiro agnew pat nixon is deadpat nixon is deadpat nixon is dead she knew nothing about the pentagon papers pat nixon is deadpat nixon is deadpat nixon is dead she knew nothing about jack anderson pat nixon is deadpat nixon is dead she was 83 pat nixon is dead

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More From the Man

Represssion 4-Step System Discovered on Page 33

23 June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
In the recently discovered book, "A Plan for the Man," a simple 4 step process for keeping intelligent people "down," to use the park service's words has been developed.  To the right is that very plan.  Read it with care.  Do not let anyone know you know.  Play along!!! At all costs don't screw up the revolution.  Eat a pork steak.  Look natural for god's sake.  But at all costs, don't let the man KEEP you down.  Keep pushing silently and subtly.

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Today's Happy Stream

23 June, 1993
A tribute to our knew church
Pat Nixon is still dead and the hairy beasts of the under world are taking her to her final resting place in the world of the man where the antelopes of fresh fishinf g factories steer clear of the famous stear s where the blue belles shine in the morning sun of the conqwuered amphibian aindian head resses ehich cannat overcome their ostensible attraction to the amazing fact that all pieces of fish with or without bu seem to distinguish themselves by arryin g a great amount water to bed each not dshing out large quamtitiews of pita bread to the people who don't know any beetr than tio drink beer with hairs in it and utter the secret words of the forgotten country where the blind man runs dfor hills of the great yuppies eho dive down with thei big yellow taxis and ask for Joni Mitchell albuns at h

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3rd Edict Issues

Third EdictAuthorship and Translation in Potential Schism

24 June, 1993 by Tom Merritt

In an attempt to calm fears and questions among the faithfu, the Reverend Richie "Glorie" has issued a third edict that is printed here on original parchment to eradicate any questions of authenticity.

The Reverend Linda "Seraphim: has announced that she came up with verses 1 and 3 of the edict and the Reverend Richie authored the 2nd verse only.  Also a mis-translation caused a subtle (Man-directed) change in the second edict which on the original parchment in the holy place reads "Life is an INSIDE joke that the big guy won't EXPLAIN."

This schism will not change or split the truth my friends.  Cool and calm words of wisdom came from theological scholar Bo "Buddah" Cogglesnop.

"Schisms are great!  I got one for the kids last summer and they played on it for weeks until their Grandma bought 'em a slip 'n' slide."

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The Man Hates Specialists

24th June, 1993
You special.  We all are special.  Ain't we and lo how we hate it.  If you're good at anything, they'll get you.  So put on a sad faece to keep them from realizing your true inner glow as a happy specialist.  Keep the light under the lampshade for now and recite this chant.
I'm a happy specialist
I wear a sad ol frown
You cannot see my dentifrice
The man won't keep me down

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Some Pig Solves Illinois Budget Woes

24th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
A pig named only Paul somehow came up with a plan to solve the Illinois budget crisis.  The plan was found traced in slop one morning by his owner Frank.  Doctor of hog mathematics H. R. Weedeeter said, "I allus knew there's sumpn differnt bout at pig."

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Today's Stream (Burble)

24th June, 1993
And so the raven flies to the edge of the hog tied world in an old 57 chevy without much top coating opr bottom wear in the rear of target underpantswhere the buddahs of the world allow the play of the typewriter to ring out and the finger s allow themselves freedom to pwitsh aiupion the world at large a slow eveil death of the dsaints ion the your uwiytide

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Linda "Seraphim" Marries Elvis

Visit in Dream Prompts Rev. to Become Child Bride.  Elvis mystery Revealed!  Church Loses a Reverend, Gains a Madonna

26th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
"It all started with a dream," said the most glorious Madonna of the CoSB Linda "seraphim" Presley at her wedding reception yesterday.

"The king came to me in a vision.  He missed Priscilla but he didn't realize she was an old hag, so he conducted a worldwide search for a child bride which I won.  Then at the wedding, Elvis took his magic stick and struck the most holy particle which had sprung from his temple at the Priscilla wedding.  Sending that particle keeps Elvis young and alive, don't you see!  He's been waiting for a chance to marry another child bride, return from the undead and smack that particle in another 40 year orbit."

Mrs. Presley has been elevated by the church from Reverend to official "Madonna."  An official church portrait/talisman will be produced soon.

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Today's Stream (Like a Prayer)

26th June, 1993
The fortiest of the party antelopes attend the great watersnoozle with the fifty corpulent asinine

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You Are the Puppet o' du MAN

More Proof Culled from the Pages of the Man's Plan

29th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
This amazing diagram to the left and the text that follws it should dispel any doubt you may have had that the man is after your butt.  This material is taken from page 55 of "A Plan for the Man" prepared by the US government.  This section details manipulating an employee's life and destroying or "deadening" his intellect and drive so that "The Man" can replace it with his own motivation.  Please!  Publishing is becming dangerous.  Do not show this to any informants to the man.

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Holy Order Founded; Medallion Designed; Tree of Life Discovered

30th June, 1993 by Tom Merritt
The holy order of Our Lady of Perpetual Steak was formed in honor of the most holy CoSB Madonna Linda "Seraphim" Presley yesterday.  The order vows to dine on steak, sing Elvis songs thrice daily and perform good works like donating a lot of money to the church.

The order's first official act was the discovery of the "tree of life."  The mysterious tree was unearthed deep in the sacred writings of an ancient Reveredend who was a direct descendant of vegetable man.

Revredend Richie "Glory" channeled the ancient one called "Sponge" and dictated the creation of the tree of life.

Scholars are now pouring over the document to divine its meaning.  If you can guess the meaning of life. send us a postcard to:

SubBrilliant News
Meaning of Life Puzzle
607 Maple Street
Greenville, IL

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Today's Stream - In 2

30th June, 1993
Wonder wonder who the person who grated the first big cheese on that day in May when the clouds hung down from the righteous bearings o the mortal flesh of the great bejeezus who rained forever and thensome among the small little creatures of the forest whence came the two toned evil cars of the 70's which pranced and fretted around the bankfires of the amulet of rinson wear how can we tell what' sin store for us if all we have to go on is pig butts in our milk and dry cereal on toasted wheat bran flakes

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EXTRA- Medallion Defiled

30th June, 1993  12:03 PM by Tom Merritt

Urbana, IL - An unforgiveable error was made by the SubBrilliant news when they mistakenly skimped on the background check of one Harry Snogbottom, if that's his real name, who laid out issue 11 and tried to embed a secret message into the holy medallion of the Madonna which appeared in that issue.

His mistake was discovered when he erroneously changed the Madonna's maiden name to "Glory" rather than "Seraphim."

The blasphemy was written in very small letters on the holy madonna's forehead.  The medallion reproduced 104 times its normal size reveals an almost subliminal message.

Snogbottonm has been fired and is under observation iun the CoSB clinic.

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