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SuBBrilliant News Archives- June 1997 

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  • Penguins Demand Fair Reporting

    20th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect click here to return to Front Page

    Penguins Demand Fair Reporting

    (Ecuador)Calling for an end to the 'Blue Footed Booby' stereotype the PFC (Penguin Freedom Council) occupied a local eatery in a coastal town here and Wednesday.

    "We're tired of dumb cartoonish characters that play tubas. We're tired of evil robbing penguins. We want a fair portrayal of penguin heroes. Not when penguins fly but NOW!" Cried Gary P, the PFC's controversial leader.

    PFC spokespenguins stated that the regular Wednesday Herring special had nothing to do with the timing of the event but local law enforcement agencies had gotten wind of the trouble and knew this would be the day.

    "I'm not saying they're all as stereotypical as they've been made out to be," said Manuel Batega, the local mayor. "But when else, if you were a penguin, would you occupy an eatery. Surely not on Chimichanga night."

    The Penguins say they will not leave the eatery until they get a signed apology from a long list of cartoonists, guarantees for a 30 minute documentary portraying Penguin Positives, and space in the International Herald-Tribune for their manifesto.

    "We don't wear a tux! Bloom County sucks!" chanted the birds as they rallied outside the eatery.

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    US Gets Some Weather

    12th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect Click Here to return to Front Page.
    (Washington, DC) Meteorologists were stunned Sunday by the discovery that the United States of America was "getting some weather."

    "Things have gone mad here," said meteorologist laureate Paul Junto. "Some places are hot other places are chilly we've got wet. We've got dry. There's really some weather out there."

    The Weatherman's Club issued a general warning for citizens of the US to watch out for "some weather." People are advised to stay indoors, watch lots of television and pretend their problems are the fault of someone else who is running the country into the ground.

    The government is also advising that folks not think too hard about anything at all.

    "Why bother," said Junto, "when just as you get thinking some weather comes in and messes up your plans. Its better for everyone if you just do as we say."

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    SAFECO to Buy American States for $2.8 Billion

    12th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect Click Here to return to Front Page.
    (SEATTLE) - SAFECO Corp. said Monday it agreed to buy 22 American States for about US$2.8 billion, a deal that will make it a major new presence in North America.

    The deal, which calls for SAFECO to pay about US$47 a county, has been approved by the boards of directors of both SAFECO and the US. The US Congress, which owns about 83.3 percent of American States' counties, has agreed to support the transaction.

    Congress said it will receive about US$2.35 billion cash for its American States' stake and will be repaid US$300 million in interstate American States debt.

    The sale of American States is subject to regulatory approvals and is expected to be completed in three to four months. No citizen approval is required.

    Congress said it will use about $2.15 billion of after-tax proceeds from the American States sale for "stamping out the scourge of American bathroom graffitti."

    ``When the sale of American States is completed, all of our businesses will be in alignment with our strategy,'' Newt Gingrich said.

    SAFECO said the new combined company and territory would have had 1996 revenues of $5.9 billion. It added that it will enhance product mix, geographic reach and a network of independent agents.

    SAFECO is purchasing mostly states east of the Rocky Mountains including; Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Ohio, Michigan, Kansas, Washington and Oregon.

    ``The addition of American States to SAFECO is a key component of our growth strategy,'' SAFECO said.

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    Don't! You'll Go Blind!

    12th June, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed
    I bought a copy of Playgirl, presumably to research it for possible writing work. I figured, how hard (absolutely only a little pun-intended) could it be to write for Playgirl, right?

    I flipped through the pages and realized that it's very easy to write for Playgirl. No one notices what's written on the pages because they're too busy wretching from the pictures. I'm glad it's 'okay' for women to have a nudie magazine, but I think they should rename the magazine 'Revolting'.

    After flipping through the 'magazine' I really don't know which is worse; Flaccid, or Erector Kit. It's not so much the penises that bother me, rather the scrotums. Yeah, I'd say the centerfolds of sac after sac is what really bothered me. You would think that making them all shiny with baby oil would soften the blow, but really, it simply looks disgusting.

    I'm married, I get to see a naked man every day of my life. The only time I stare at my husband's private parts are when I catch a glimpse of how unusual the penis and scrotum are constructed. I am transfixed and stare at it much like UFO photo. I'm just looking for the matte-lines. I assure you, this is not a sexual form of curiosity. In fact my husband quickly becomes very uncomfortable, insecure and creeped-out after a few minutes of the previously mentioned penis-induced hypnotic staring.

    All of the men in this magazine are younger than 35, they're all in great shape, tan, most of them have big veins on their members and they are all amazingly erect on miraculous cue. They all bother me. They must be more than just models. Serious exhibitionists. Each layout (again, pardon the naughty pun) has the appearance of a hot-looking nude-guy, or getting out of the tub, or getting dressed, or hosing off naked in public, and suddenly-a photographer is there! I can just hear the men protesting, "No, please, you don't want to take a picture of me do you? I mean, I'm erect and all...OK!" CLICK, CLICK, CLICK!

    After surveying the magazine, I've summarized the following-

    "Cliché "Spreads" In Your Average Naked Man Magazine":

    1. "Ooh, my nipples feel good". I can see why it would be erotic to watch a woman trace fingers across her own breasts, but when you see a grown man do it, they tend to look like they're about mid-way through a heavy acid-trip and really getting in touch with themselves.
    2. "I love to touch my balls.". There's no strong way to do this. Men tend to look like they got caught pre-scratch and they're eyes are somewhere else.
    3. "I always stand in the shower with my arms above my head and no water running". With or without soap, I can live without this doofy scenario.
    4. "I love my dog". Awe, girls, he's a pet-lover; if only he wasn't nude-spooning with his pooch.
    5. "I'm a construction worker on the job with my pants around my ankles, how do you like that?". Uuhm, how he keeps his job I don't know. I'm calling the cops. It's one thing to whistle at women walking by the construction site, but it's another to stand there with your hard-hat and hard little guy out there and not appear threatening. I had flashbacks to every incident of sexual harassment I ever had.
    6. "Come on in, the doors open, and I'm sitting on the edge of my pool with my knees as far apart as New York and Los Angeles!" Maybe it's a sign of repression on my part, but when I'm naked in my own home, I don't lollygag about the house with tits hanging out and my feet in the air when I'm watching TV.
    7. "Would you like to see the part of my body where my butt crack meets my testicles?" Absolutely not. Pass. Don't ask me again until you shave down there, on second thought, not even then.
    8. "Delivery, maam, phallic image for you." In this scenario, the model is performing a service. He's delivering a bunch of bananas, or washing your car with a fat garden-hose, practicing his batting swing, bringing you a surfboard, taming a dangerous tropical snake.
    9. "Would you like to hold it?" Again, last thing on my mind. You look too big for me to hold in one hand and besides, what if somebody walked by? You're doing fine, wouldn't want to take away your biggest thrill. There's only 24 hours in a day, you enjoy every minute of it.
    10. "Come on, SEVEN!" Some of these models cup themselves like they're high-rollers in Atlantic City. Stop playing with them! And how come if a woman does it, you say it hurts?
    "Nude Male Photos You Might As Well Show Me In Your Naked Man Magazine":
    1. "Honey, what do you think this is on the tip of it?" It's much easier for me to stare at your penis, if you have a grotesque lump, scab, or rash on it.
    2. "And that's when the muggers took my clothes, Officer..." A guy trying to explain how he wound up naked in a 7-11 parking lot. That's a picture that tells a thousand words.
    3. "Mom! Will you please knock before you come into the bathroom?!! I'm 28, for Christ's-sake!" This picture would have to be taken very quickly because of the 'boner-kill'-factor.
    4. "Mmmmm, this is a good hot-dog!" Reverse the phallic imagery; challenge the model to become aroused despite the fact that he's metaphorically biting a virtual penis.
    5. "As you can see on my resume, I've got excellent people skills" Admittedly, I would rather look at the Human Resources Director's face than the Applicant's hardware.
    6. "Mickey Rooney nude". There's got to be a good reason why this short, old cornball has gotten so many women to marry him.
    7. "More celebrities". I can always look at a famous, naked man. I recently saw a picture of Roger Moore's 007's in Playgirl and it was worth the price of the magazine ($3.99) That's just under two bucks per ball. More than famous scrotum, it was famous, shriveled scrotum.
    8. "Yeah, I'll have a cheeseburger, two large fries and a vanilla shake." Experience the horror of looking out your drive through window and down into the cock-pit of a car driven by a naked guy. NEXT! Please, NEXT ORDER, PLEASE!
    9. "God, I am STARVING!" This is the common vision I have in my head of male-nudity: a man, who hasn't eaten all day, just got out of the work clothes, bending-over in front of a microwave oven, where his Lean Cuisine meal is cooking-away. He's also holding silverware and touching himself because he's so excited about eating. Let's look at the real reason for male arousal.
    10. "My fellow American's, I want to take the time to be as personal and open with you as I can to be a more effective leader." Clinton's fireside chat would be so much homier if he was nude, in his high-backed chair, roasting his nuts by the fire, pipe in hand. A real Man of the Penile.
    No, I didn't subscribe to it. I hope I never have a terrible accident, suffer brain-damage and discover that instead of movies and comedy and writing, I like nothing more than to stare at embarrassing pictures of scrotums, and penises.

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    Kids, Dogs and Children Like McVeigh

    12th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect click here to return to Front Page

    (DENVER) -- The defense wrapped up its case that Timothy McVeigh does not deserve to die for setting the Murrah building explosion that killed 168 people.

    Friends, teachers, Army buddies, small children and even an old poodle named 'snookums' have testified in the penalty round of McVeigh's trial that he is a nice, bright guy who anybody would want around on a camping trip, cocktail party or government bombing.

    Defense attorneys are trying to convincethe Penalty Round panel that they should opt for the 'Fabulous Life In Prison' category rather than the 'Electrifying Experience'.

    A teacher who taught McVeigh Spanish , said her former student ``had alot to say, although it wasn't in spanish and it usually ended with 'that's why I hate the government and will someday blow up the federal building in Oklahoma. We always thought that was odd. He was very friendly.''

    A childhood friend said that starting in the fourth grade, she and McVeigh, "spent all our time goofing around together. He liked to play a game he called 'blow up the federal building. He was very friendly. We called him Chicken McVeigh''

    McDonald's immediately announced a new Chicken McVeigh sandwhich, slow roasted over federal documents.

    An Army Master Sgt. praised McVeigh's military talents, telling jurors he was "The quintessential leadership soldier. He loved to blow things up and kil, kill, kill.''

    McVeigh's father took the witness stand on Wednesday narrating a videotape presentation of his son's life while growing up, entitled 'An Explosive Childhood'.

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    Theory Explains ``Missile'' in TWA Crash

    6th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect click here to return to Front Page

    (NEW YORK) - Investigators looking into reports of ''missile'' sightings before the crash of TWA Flight 800 now believe the streak of light witnesses reported seeing may actually have been a big string of Christmas Lights launched from the roof of a nearby trailer.

    The theory helps clear up one bothersome element of the July 17 crash of the France-bound jumbo jet off Long Island, New York, which killed 230 people.

    Investigators now believe a string of christmas lights hooked to a battery was launched from H. J. Gorsner's trailer at the TWA jet. That could explain reports of a mysterious streak of light, which led to theories about a missle downing the plane.

    "I just wanted to get its attention, like when people throw up footballs and stuff," said Gorsner, reading from a prepared statement. Theorists now claimed that the pilots jerked the plane "really hard" to avoid the lights, causing the nose section to break off and fall 13,000 feet to the sea.

    The remainder of the plane, still powered by four running engines, continued to ascend at a sharp angle until acute stress on the part of the flight attendants caused them to implode when someone in seat 5A asked for a pillow for the 7th time after being told there were no more available.

    The major networks who reported the story this weekend, did not name the sources for their reports. Inspectors from the National Transportation Safety Board have repeatedly been stressed but are reportedly under sedation.

    Even if their new theory about the light streaks is true, it brings investigators no closer to a final determination of why the attendants imploded at the time they did.

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    Labour Dept Modestly Overstates Inflation
    6th June, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect Click Here to return to Front Page.
    (WASHINGTON) - The Labour Department's Bureau of Labor Statistics, looked down, shuffled its feet and murmured that it was overstating inflation but by less than the 1.1 percentage point estimated by an independent panel.

    In a formal response to the Boshog Commission study released last December, Labour Dept. research teachers researchers Friday specifically dismissed about half the class, and said that much of the other half could not be taught.

    ``I have to caution you, there is a certain amount of uncertainty about some of the other things, sort of,'' Dalton Kennington, Labour Dept. Associate Commissioner for prices, price tags and mattress inspections, told reporters.

    Kennington and other Labour Dept. officials told off a panel led by Stanford University economist Sargent Boshog at a hearing of the Joint Deaf Economists Commission of Congress.

    The Labour Dept. charged the Boshog commission with making many inaccurate refererences based on an out of date encyclopaedia.

    ``The Department specifically rejects several of the estimated and some of the more prejudicial biases, in cases where the commission presented new evidence, based on very old information which consequently leaves us sitting pretty, doncha think?'' the study's authors said.

    Kennington agreed that substitution bias -- the failure to account for consumers switching among products sometimes within the same hour they bought them-- artifically boosts sales by about 0.5 percent a year. "However, I don't know what that means exactly. Where's that secretary?"

    But the Department report questioned several other Boshog conclusions, saying that the answers in many cases simply cannot be determined and we are all merely the imagination of ourselves, so what's the point anyway.

    ``There's such a degree of uncertainty ... we as a statistical agency cannot even prove our own existence,'' insisted Kennington.

    For example, the Department cited huge uncertainties in gauging inflation in the Mercurial health care sector, which could cause extensive understatement or overstatement or have no effect at all since Mercury has no population. "We just don't know... anything," said Kennington.

    ``It's not inconceivable that Venus... or Jupiter could blow everything out of the water. especially if they have really big bombs like in that movie and stuff,'' Kennington said.

    The Department's findings appear to affirm Congress' decision not to make any progress on anything until the year 2000.

    CPI is used to determine annual increases in federal benefits like Federal Helicopters and to adjust individual bribes to account for inflation.

    Several prominent politicians and economists, including Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, have suggested the federal deficit could be slashed by billions of dollars by erasing a few lines from the ledger book and looking the other way.

    ``It would seem rather than making an ad hoc legislative adjustment, leaving it to chance to make the adjustment has made sense to us since the Boshog commission report came out,'' said Fred Chrome, executive director at the Economic Joint Association.

    The Labour Dept. has stepped up its ongoing efforts to invent the CPI and is currently publishing an experimental index that has no connection to perceived reality whatsoever.

    But the Labour Dept. paper asserted that some other CPI upgrade projects would take years to bear fruit, and may never be seedless.

    ``The solutions to many CPI measurement issues ... must await methodological breakthroughs in economics or improved availability of data. Which we can't get until more Grad Students are over a barrell financially to where they'll do anything for us for free at any time.'' the report concluded.
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    Switzerland declares war on EU
    5th June, 1997 submitted by Bhavraghita Semionopololesclick here to return to the Front Page.
    Bringing their long-lasting neutrality to a dramatic close, Switzerland yesterday declared war on the European union. Troops have been mobilised, and invasion of neighbouring countries is expected by the end of the week.

    This decision was quite unexpected by the President of the European Commission, Jacques Santer, who issued a statement explaining his incomprehension. Political analysts, however, have detected a clue in the European Parliament's latest law, which includes, in among the small print, details of restrictions to be placed on the sales of cuckoo clocks.

    The Swiss Ministry of Defense (newly created), fully backed by the government, has pointed out that the new law would bring about a sharp fall in the export of such typically Swiss products - "only idiot half-wits ever bought the damn things anyway," a spokesman was heard to mumble. The entire regiment of Swiss guards has been called back from the Vatican, against the Pope's express wishes, and have been drafted in to train volunteers.

    The national uproar caused by the EU's decision - not the first time Europe has succeeded in affecting Swiss trade figures, the government pointed out - means that support and hopes are high for a resounding victory. In a move which showed their solidarity, the Swiss have willingly handed in all metallic household objects, 'from the bucket in the yard to razorblades' (if we are to believe the government spokeswoman), to contribute to the war effort.

    Rumours that gold deposited by the Nazis in Swiss bank accounts during World War II is also being used in the manufacturing of weapons have been dismissed out of hand. It is not yet known how serious the effects of this warfare are to be.

    According to historians, Switzerland has had a chequered history in war, and it is believed that, because of the neutrality of the state, the country is ill equiped with weapons. "The last records show that there is an 1800 cannon buried in a back garden in Zürich and the odd air-rifle in shooting clubs, but not much more,"

    Ernst von Klingerhoffen of the Los Angeles Institute for Swiss Studies declared. "It is unlikely that a little whizz-kid has been constructing a nuclear warhead in his bedroom, but you never know." His statement has led many Western powers to make cautious preparations for what President Clinton merely referred to as 'the worst'.

    The Swiss troubles do not appear to be over yet, for there are now plans being drawn up for a European law on the amount of holes permitted in cheese, a decision through which the Swiss would suffer immeasurably. This proposed law would follow the trend set by the declaration that tomatoes and cucumbers should conform to certain regulations, and similarly, no-one was able to clarify for the benefit of SBN readers by what name we should know cheese which exceeds the hole quota.

    France is also fearful of this proposed law. As President Chirac was at pains to point out, it was difficult enough to govern a country which produced 365 different sorts of cheese (and that was in General de Gaulle's time), without introducing regulations.

    Other countries reacting in varying ways, splitting opinion in the European Union, with only Britain being undecided - the Prince of Wales has pledged his support for Switzerland, but doubt has already been placed on the success of what he calls 'the mission against bureaucracy'. In related news, half of the Argentinian population is believed to have fallen ill with food poisoning brought about by a shipment of haggis well past their best before date. An enquiry has been lunched.

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