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SuBBrilliant News Archives- August 1993 

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August, 1993

20-year-olds Rename Themselves "Fuck You" Generation

15th August, 1993
In a simultaneous independent collective action this week, all people's of the previously named 'twentysomething' agreed to change their generation's label. Until now, scholars have debated such terms as Gneration X, Lost Generation, 13th Generation, baby busters and other monikers.  Most of the members of this lazy group resented being pigeonholed but couldn't find the motivation to do anything about it... until yesterday.

"We thought you know, there's been a me generation so why not the you generation as in fuck you you know... yeah anyway," said 25 year old diner chef Jeff Flyburg.  Major news networks refused to return calls regarding how they would deal with the new official term.

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Elvis Was A Fraud

Southern Blues Musician Responsible For Most Cultural Events Since 1954

22nd August, 1993 submitted by Ace Dtect
In a harrowing lifestyle combining politics and popular entertainment, Ralph Bunchy has been responsible for most major cultural  events since the 1950's according to a report leaked to SBN. Bunchy (No relation to the civil rights leader Bunchy) was a blues  singer in Mississippi during the early 50's but couldn't break into the white dominated music scene in Memphis. His friend Carl  Perkins told him he didn't have enough talent to make it as a minority but could possibly pass as a white man, so Bunchy  disguised himself and auditioned imitating Perkins' style. Sun studios hired him under the name 'Elvis Presley' and through intense
marketing he became an international star known as the 'king of rock and roll.'

Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first project and one of his  most masterful disguises was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy. (ELVIS continued on Page 2)

 Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first
 project and one of his most masterful disguises was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy.
 However, the high pressure lifestyle of a major entertainer and leader of the free world were too much, so he
 ordered the FBI to stage an assassination that would enable him to get out of the business early.

 After the assassination, he decided to vacation in England where he met the Beatles. He told them to get rid of
 Pete Best and Paul McCartney and hire his friend Richard Starkey and himself if they really wanted to make it
 big. To appear more seamless, Bunchy disguised himself as Paul and used his name. In 1966, the fame of the
 Beatles combined with the Elvis personality's continuing success made touring impossible. After recording
 Sgt. Peppers', Bunchy called it a day as a Beatle, saying that he wanted to concentrate on being just Elvis for a
 while. They faked his death, leaving clues on many of the albums and hired the real Paul back. McCartney had
 been working in a shoe shop and the Beatles found, to their disappointment that his songwriting had not
 improved past the 'She Loves You' stage. They hid it as best they could but it eventually split the group up.
 McCartney still had a successful career due mainly to Bunchy's work.

 Meanwhile in 1967, Bunchy was relaxing anonymously in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco reading
 Aldous Huxley's 'Doors of Perception' when he met Ray Manzarek. Bunchy was going under the name 'Jim
 Morrison' at the time. Manzarek asked if 'Jim' would consider becoming the lead singer for a new band.
 Bunchy liked the idea of kicking around in a no name acid band for a while. But as always, what Bunchy
 touched turned to gold and the band was soon internationally famous and Bunchy found himself torn between
 two overly successful careers once again. Tired of faking deaths, Bunchy tried to split up the Doors by
 breaking as many laws as possible, being an obnoxious asshole, and exposing himself on stage. The touring
 ended but the band still held together and became more famous. So without a word to anyone in the group
 (who unlike The Beatles, had no idea he was also Elvis) he popped off to Paris and faked another death.

 Bunchy returned to England and began hanging out London's hot spots, refusing to join bands and make the
 same mistake as in San Francisco. His friend Malcolm McLaren tried incessantly to get him to start a band for
 the Sex Shop but Bunchy flatly refused. After the McLaren's band recorded their first single, Bunchy knew he
 didn't want to miss out and joined the Sex Pistols as 'Sid Vicious'. After the Sex Pistol's album came out,
 Bunchy decided that the Elvis gig was tired and had outlived its usefulness, so he faked the death of Elvis,
 ending his longest running personality. Soon the Sex Pistols had disintegrated and Bunchy, figuring he was
 good at it by now, raised faking a death to an art form with the bloody death of 'Sid Vicious'.

 Immediately after that, Bunchy spent a few months working with the Carter administration on ways to end the
 oil crisis. It was Ralph Bunchy who came up with the master plan for solving OPEC domination which was
 eventually perverted into Iran-Contra and the Gulf War.

 Bunchy took a few quiet years of vacation and recuperation from his hard lifestyle. He was getting old and it
 was hard to keep up the many pretenses. However, after talking on the phone with his old friend John Lennon,
 he was persuaded to come out of retirement to do a favor in 1981. Lennon was longing to live in obscurity, like
 Bunchy. He enlisted his former bandmate's help in faking his own death. It was actually Ralph Bunchy, not John
 Lennon who appeared to be shot and killed.

 Bunchy put an end to public impersonations for awhile and took advantage of the deregulation of the Reagan
 years to become a financial tycoon. His investments and acquisitions were so vast and varied that in a manner
 of speaking, Ralph BUNCHY WAS, and in some cases still is, GENERAL ELECTRIC, BOEING, ADM, SHELL
 OIL, BCCI and MOTOROLA. Bunchy's withdrawal from the S&L business caused the industry to collapse. A
 major dumping of stock by Bunchy, after a miscommunication with his broker, led to Black Monday.

 Bunchy found, that strangely enough, it was harder to maintain his secret as a private individual than as a
 public celebrity. Hence the persistent rumours that Elvis had been sighted all through the 80's and on to today.
 Bunchy decided to re-enter politics so as to avoid public scrutiny. He paid off Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton to
 live in the Carribean and assumed Clinton's identity. In 1991 he decided to run for the Presidency of the US.
 Drawing on his experience as John Kennedy and playing around by calling himself "Elvis' Number One Fan"
 he thought he'd have some fun, probably lose the election (he set up several scandals to insure this) and that
 would be that. However, once again, the Bunchy touch worked and he swept to victory becoming the 41st

 There are also unconfirmed claims connecting Bunchy to the tri-lateral commission, Richard Nixon, Watergate
 and Charles Manson. The most spurious is the limited evidence that during the 1980's, BUNCHY,
 impersonating Elvis again, was involved in UFO contact and research for the US government. There is no evidence against this involvement either.

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Clinton Compromises on Koresh

31st August, 1993 by Kierkegaard

(Acton, Massachusets) David Koresh survived the fiery ordeal at ranch apocalypse near Waco, Texas and is alive according to anonymous officials.

But President Clinton has compromised again on the status of Koresh. The policy the President has put into effect is called 'don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue.'

Under this policy, Koresh can be alive as long as he doesn't tell anybody he's alive or as long as no one asks him whether he is alive or not. No one was able to interpret what the 'don't pursue' part meant.

'Its not a bad deal for Koresh,' said Washington expert Karla Wort. 'Although I've heard that the recently resurrected have a miserable time establishing credit.'

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Brilliant News' World Roundup

31st August, 1993 by Mark Mauer
Brilliant News' World Roundup
(Pearce, Arizona)
5 years ago, Australian Richard Dlclanson, then 20, stomped his mother to death after she complained about his playing Bob Dylan's 'Desire' at 4 am which contains the song, 'One More Cup of Coffee.' Afterward, he sprinkled instant coffee over her body. He told police that she was evil and the music gave him the strength to kill her.
Thousands of Hindus, lured in part by preachers chanting 'Come see the God!' over loudspeekers, gatherd at the base of a flg tree in Hapu, India, where a five foot black cobra had taken residence. throngs tossed money and jeweley at the tree, prayed, and left milk for the snake (e religous symbol). After 4 days, police decided to remove the snake, a move that set off a riot involving gunfights, stabbings, Molotov cocktailss and at least 21 dead.
A 26 year old Pennsylvania man has pleaded guiltyy to killing a friend and Monopoly opponent with a bow and arrow. As the district attomey explained it, 'The defendant wanted to be the car rather than the hat or thimble.' A rogue group of monkeys is running wild in S. Florida, attacking people and making mischief. The rhesus and Jave macaque are quite aggressive and many carry the herpes B-virus. One monkey mauled a 2 year old girl, another charged a police officer and another was seen in a Miami parking lot trying to open up car doors. Angered that a local radio stetion had banned songs by Hank WiIMams Jr., Joe Baugher, 48, ot Belton, Missouri barricaded himself in his housa and fired shots at anyone who came near. Police shot and killed him. DEAR ABBY: MAY 18,1993 'When my oldest son was a tiny baby, a cat wandered into our house, and I caught it sittingg on my babYs chest with it's mouth buried deep in the baby's mouth! My daughter-inlaw told me that her mother claims a cat smothered her younger sister to death when he was an infant and too weak to struggle. I suspect some of the su

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I Cried Every Time I Brushed My Hair

31st August, 1993 by Tom Merritt
For Harold Renfro getting up every moming wasn't the usual semi-automatic, slight pain in the ass that your everyday working American experiences. No sir, Harold had a serious problem. To you or I it may seem trivial or even laughable but for Harold Renfro it was sheer hell.

Harold Rerrfro suffered from Folliceffobia... Fear of one's own hair. 'I could hardly look in mirrors or even window reflections. I tried to keep it cut short but going to the barber was harrowing.' Harold beat his problem with a new 3 step program called 'beating phobias.' 'I never feft better. Call Now!" says Harold. 217-352-9029.

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