Most images have been removed to prevent peeling and irritation.
"We thought you know, there's been a me generation so why not the you
generation as in fuck you you know... yeah anyway," said 25 year old diner
chef Jeff Flyburg. Major news networks refused to return calls regarding
how they would deal with the new official term.
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Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first project and one of his most masterful disguises was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy. (ELVIS continued on Page 2)
Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation
and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first
project and one of his most masterful disguises
was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy.
However, the high pressure lifestyle of a major
entertainer and leader of the free world were too much, so he
ordered the FBI to stage an assassination that
would enable him to get out of the business early.
After the assassination, he decided to vacation
in England where he met the Beatles. He told them to get rid of
Pete Best and Paul McCartney and hire his friend
Richard Starkey and himself if they really wanted to make it
big. To appear more seamless, Bunchy disguised
himself as Paul and used his name. In 1966, the fame of the
Beatles combined with the Elvis personality's continuing
success made touring impossible. After recording
Sgt. Peppers', Bunchy called it a day as a Beatle,
saying that he wanted to concentrate on being just Elvis for a
while. They faked his death, leaving clues on many
of the albums and hired the real Paul back. McCartney had
been working in a shoe shop and the Beatles found,
to their disappointment that his songwriting had not
improved past the 'She Loves You' stage. They hid
it as best they could but it eventually split the group up.
McCartney still had a successful career due mainly
to Bunchy's work.
Meanwhile in 1967, Bunchy was relaxing anonymously
in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco reading
Aldous Huxley's 'Doors of Perception' when he met
Ray Manzarek. Bunchy was going under the name 'Jim
Morrison' at the time. Manzarek asked if 'Jim'
would consider becoming the lead singer for a new band.
Bunchy liked the idea of kicking around in a no
name acid band for a while. But as always, what Bunchy
touched turned to gold and the band was soon internationally
famous and Bunchy found himself torn between
two overly successful careers once again. Tired
of faking deaths, Bunchy tried to split up the Doors by
breaking as many laws as possible, being an obnoxious
asshole, and exposing himself on stage. The touring
ended but the band still held together and became
more famous. So without a word to anyone in the group
(who unlike The Beatles, had no idea he was also
Elvis) he popped off to Paris and faked another death.
Bunchy returned to England and began hanging out
London's hot spots, refusing to join bands and make the
same mistake as in San Francisco. His friend Malcolm
McLaren tried incessantly to get him to start a band for
the Sex Shop but Bunchy flatly refused. After the
McLaren's band recorded their first single, Bunchy knew he
didn't want to miss out and joined the Sex Pistols
as 'Sid Vicious'. After the Sex Pistol's album came out,
Bunchy decided that the Elvis gig was tired and
had outlived its usefulness, so he faked the death of Elvis,
ending his longest running personality. Soon the
Sex Pistols had disintegrated and Bunchy, figuring he was
good at it by now, raised faking a death to an
art form with the bloody death of 'Sid Vicious'.
Immediately after that, Bunchy spent a few months
working with the Carter administration on ways to end the
oil crisis. It was Ralph Bunchy who came up with
the master plan for solving OPEC domination which was
eventually perverted into Iran-Contra and the Gulf
War.
Bunchy took a few quiet years of vacation and recuperation
from his hard lifestyle. He was getting old and it
was hard to keep up the many pretenses. However,
after talking on the phone with his old friend John Lennon,
he was persuaded to come out of retirement to do
a favor in 1981. Lennon was longing to live in obscurity, like
Bunchy. He enlisted his former bandmate's help
in faking his own death. It was actually Ralph Bunchy, not John
Lennon who appeared to be shot and killed.
Bunchy put an end to public impersonations for awhile
and took advantage of the deregulation of the Reagan
years to become a financial tycoon. His investments
and acquisitions were so vast and varied that in a manner
of speaking, Ralph BUNCHY WAS, and in some cases
still is, GENERAL ELECTRIC, BOEING, ADM, SHELL
OIL, BCCI and MOTOROLA. Bunchy's withdrawal from
the S&L business caused the industry to collapse. A
major dumping of stock by Bunchy, after a miscommunication
with his broker, led to Black Monday.
Bunchy found, that strangely enough, it was harder
to maintain his secret as a private individual than as a
public celebrity. Hence the persistent rumours
that Elvis had been sighted all through the 80's and on to today.
Bunchy decided to re-enter politics so as to avoid
public scrutiny. He paid off Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton to
live in the Carribean and assumed Clinton's identity.
In 1991 he decided to run for the Presidency of the US.
Drawing on his experience as John Kennedy and playing
around by calling himself "Elvis' Number One Fan"
he thought he'd have some fun, probably lose the
election (he set up several scandals to insure this) and that
would be that. However, once again, the Bunchy
touch worked and he swept to victory becoming the 41st
President.
There are also unconfirmed claims connecting Bunchy
to the tri-lateral commission, Richard Nixon, Watergate
and Charles Manson. The most spurious is the limited
evidence that during the 1980's, BUNCHY,
impersonating Elvis again, was involved in UFO
contact and research for the US government. There is no evidence against
this involvement either.
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(Acton, Massachusets) David Koresh survived the fiery ordeal at
ranch apocalypse near Waco, Texas and is alive according to anonymous officials.
But President Clinton has compromised again on the status of Koresh. The policy the President has put into effect is called 'don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue.'
Under this policy, Koresh can be alive as long as he doesn't tell anybody he's alive or as long as no one asks him whether he is alive or not. No one was able to interpret what the 'don't pursue' part meant.
'Its not a bad deal for Koresh,' said Washington expert Karla Wort. 'Although I've heard that the recently resurrected have a miserable time establishing credit.'
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Harold Rerrfro suffered from Folliceffobia... Fear of one's own hair. 'I could hardly look in mirrors or even window reflections. I tried to keep it cut short but going to the barber was harrowing.' Harold beat his problem with a new 3 step program called 'beating phobias.' 'I never feft better. Call Now!" says Harold. 217-352-9029.
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