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SuBBrilliant News Archives- September 1993 

Past Articles of SuBBrilliant News for the month of September, 1993 are collected here for your convenience.

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This text of all 1993 SuBBrilliant News is dedicated to the Public Domain.
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September, 1993


2nd, September, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) Worldwide dissatisfaction at what the world has to offer is reaching new highs, and groups have found a new effigy on which to vent their spleens, bladders and other respectable organs. Not only young Americans, but starving Africans and beauty contestants from Sarajevo have joined togethet to denounce the century as a total failure and probabty just a bad idea to begin with.

It comes as a shock to many people who considered this century one of the best in recent mernory, giving us the Nickelodeon Television Network, absinthe, and a soon to be released 4th album from grungesters, 'Nirvana.' But David Goldberg of rural Chicago said, 'Ren & Stimpy suck now, I went to Europe a few weeks ago and absinthe is illegal, and Steve Albini produced Nirvana's new record and I hear the vocals are pretty low in ttte mix.'

Golberg said there are other reasons he is dissatisfied with the 20th century, but is unsure what the might do about it.

"I think the whole thing was just thought up to keep us from noticing what was really happening. And I dont really havc the energy to try to change things, so I might just pack up and leave,' said GoIdberg. "You know, try out things in the next one." Golderg became nervous at further questions and refused to say more.

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Ask Bo "Buddah" Cogglesnop

2nd September, 1993
Dear Bo,

You must get a lot a admirers in your job what do yuh do with em Sincerely,

Lonely Jake
Vandallia, IIinois


Actually Jake, I have more groupies than I can handle so I threaten to go over to your place and then they all leave. Sorry, but it works.

Dear Bo 'Buddah',
I have a stain in a sensitive place on my body. What should I do?
Karla Womi
Sad City, Utah

Karla - Babe!
First you rub the place with wapple gently then tug at it slowly using a pair of smoothers. If that doesn't work try shembulating the whole area with a Kwort knife orj ust have sex till it goes away.

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20th Century Left Behind By Thousands

9th September, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) The natural order of 'things' was plunged into chaos this week when tens of thousands of people around the world began desertlng the 20th century. The mass exodus seems to have started in Amerika by those calling themselves 'young, beautiful and fucked.'

Ewrik Zigler a 22-year-old from Carbondale, Illinois said, 'Nothing's like they said it was going to be. I've had enough of it, and I really don't care what the rest of the 90's are golng to be like. I'm getting the hell out.'

Zigler sald he doesn't really expect the 21st century to be much better, but admits that is probaby a symptom of having lived in the 20th century for so long.

Jack Davis of Pearce, Arizona said living ln the 20th century was a lot like growing up in the midwest.

"everybody's leaving the midwest too.  It's a nice place to be FROM but you don't really want to stay there.  I think goingg to the 21st century instead will be a neat way to keep ahead of it.'

Davis, who drinks a lot of coffee while living in the desert killing scorpions and staring at the sun too much, refused to elaborate on exactly what 'it' was, but seemed to get nervous when pressed.

Authorities are warning people to 'remain calm' and 'not panic or leave the century.' According to authorities the 20th century will be over in just seven years anyway, so there is no rush. However one Authority who spoke on condition of anonymity, stated there is deffinitely growing support to suspend the turn of the century before Jan.1 2000.

The source also admitted that while there are currerrty no laws preventing people from leaving the 20th century, that too could change as emergency measures and bills are being rushed through channels that you will never have any power over.

(Ed. Note" Those readers who quibble that the end of the 20th century will be Dec. 31, 2000 not Dec. 31, 1999 please proceed to the stove turn the left front burner on hlgh, place hand on burner and hold for 30 seconds.)

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Things to Do While Ambassador to the Vatican

9th September, 1993 submitted by Kierkegaard, from the desk of Raymond Flynn
(Acton, MA) Brilliant News Investigative Reporter Kierkegaard, obtained this memo from new Vatican
Ambassador Raymond Flynn, revealing a capitalist/Catholic conspiracy to dominate the world Communion Host Market, Body of Christ, ... Blood of the workin' Man.

Things to Do While Ambassador to the Vatican
1. Check Under Pope's Robe
2. Negotiate floodwaters and other plagues to cease
3. Arrange for lightning strike of Bob Dole
4. Demand direct phone line to  St. Anthony
5. Tell Pope te pray for Rcd Sox
6. Tell Pope to pray for Clinton
7. Tell Pope lo pray for IBM
8. Tucn Pope on to Sartre
9. Close host monopoly deal for Wonder Bread

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