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SuBBrilliant News Archives- September 1997 

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  • September 1997

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    Do Or Di in London Town

    16th September, 1997 submitted by Sir Reverend Dr. Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. (aka Tyedye)click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
         A clash broke out between Princess Di supporters and Anti-Diers over
    the compost heap of flowers still piling up outside of Buckingham Palace.
    22 people are speculated dead, and 15 are presumed missing.  The number will
    no doubt be reduced dramatically after the actual facts are in.
         The riot started when a passerby kicked a balloon which bore Diana's
    likeness out of his path.  Di-admirer Lita Bunzworth saw the sacrilege and
    chastised the culprit.  A Line of disagreement was drawn on the sidewalk, it
    was crossed, and then all hell broke loose.   Palace guards maintained their
    reserve and composure and still refused to move a muscle, even when they
    were mercilessly pummeled with bouquets of wilted, foul smelling daisies.
         Not since the melee that erupted between fans during the
    Chile-Venzeualan soccer championship has  such animosity and antagonism
    erupted into such carefree violence.  Even the Catholic\Protestant conflicts
    in Ireland pale in comparison.  Observed eyewitness Niles Graham, "Why
    doon't they spend their mooney oon the 'omeless and get the 'ell oof the
    rood".  It's bean two weeks already!  With all the rotting boods, it smells
    mooch like the sewers are backed oop froom 'ere to Scotland ".
         Proponents of Diana's sainthood have started their own religious order,
    called Diism. Pop artist Elton John has been elected to the highest post,
    'Vicar of Di Incarnate'.  But cosmetic surgery is not scheduled, and John
    has yet to change his wardrobe accordingly.  "I 'ave bean very busy
    joompstarting my musical career.  I am noot sure I will 'ave the time to
    devoot to sooch a commitment".   However, John noted that if he does decide
    to accept the post, the first edict he will pronounce will be against
    carefree violence, "It tends to give floowers a bad name".

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    Star Scans Obits for Hits

    23rd September. 1997 Submitted by Sir Reverend Dr. Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. (aka Tyedye)  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
         In memory of deceased druglord and philanthropist Jesus Gomez, Elton
    John, a vocal supporter, has re-written an old song for him entitled
    'Goodbye Cocaine's Rose'.  It is currently number 3 on the pop charts after
    'Goodbye England's Rose', and "Goodbye, Catholic's Rose" about Princess
    Diana and Mother Teresa of Calcutta respectively, both also re-written and
    performed by Elton John.  If you have a loved one that has passed away, John
    will re-write and perform a revised rendition of 'Goodbye Norma Jean', his
    tribute to Marilyn Monroe, for the modest sum of $999.95 (which covers
    administrative and recording fees, plus all shipping and handling)
    especially for them.  "It is the gift that just keeps on giving, at least
    until your stereo breaks down", he observed.
         Some have suggested that Elton simply put back on his silly hats and
    glasses if he wants attention.
    But how can anyone complain when The Beatles 'Revolution #9' now advertises
    shoes, or The Beach Boys 'Good Vibrations' offers tribute to jello on TV?
    And who got angry when Mark David Chapman's rendition of Eric Claptons "I
    Shot the Sheriff" made the top ten?  ( "I Shot the Walrus, but I Did Not
    Shoot Paul McCartney").   Some music conservatives were mistakenly calling
    Elton John the "Dr. Kevorkian of Rock 'n Roll", but that title is reserved
    for the musical artist Michael Bolton, who has killed more classics by
    singing in his unique style than any other vocalist.  No, John is more
    appropriately called the Pathologist of Pop.  Rather than actually kill his
    victims, he at least waits until they are dead before he dissects their
    corpse and deifies their memory in song form.
         John's motivation is certainly not money.  When Di's song was released,
    he promised that all profits would be donated to a suitable charity, in this
    case an organization which removes anti-personel land mines (minus
    administrative and recording fees).  Profits from 'Goodbye Catholic's Rose'
    go to Mother Teresa's favorite cause, her illegitimate son Tracy Gepardieu,
    44, a jet-setting bon vivant who resides in Paris, France.  As for 'Goodbye
    Cocaine's Rose' profits, John hasn't decided upon a worthy organization yet.
    "I have narrowed it down to either D.A.R.E. or the Partnership for a Free
    Drug America".
         When asked about criticism that he is bolstering his sagging career by
    plagiarizing himself he answered, "Had she known them, Marilyn would have
    liked Di and Teresa and Jesus, I think she would have approved and wanted me
    to share her tune with the rest of the world.  Besides, they all lived their
    lives like candles in the wind." .  When asked what he would be working on
    next, John stated, "Well, I am still young.  People die every day, I see no
    reason why I can't write a song for everybody who has $999.95".

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    All Bad Things That Look Bad Together

    Viki Views 'Event Horizon'

    23rd September, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.

    IA few weeks ago, I saw “Event Horizon”, a recent
    ‘horror-sci-fi-action-thriller by Paramount Pictures.   I thought:
    enough with the ‘chick-films’.  Let’s go for a ride.  I managed to
    overcome the hearing loss that resulted in screening “Lost World”, so
    what the heck!

    Let me just say in closing, if you’ve ever watched “Alien”, “2001, A
    Space Odyssey”, “Hellraiser”, or “Battlestar Galactica”-you’ve seen
    “Event Horizon”.   I chose this new movie over others because I read a
    story about the film with an interview with the director, Paul Anderson.
    Paul co-wrote “EH” with  Philip Eisner, but I got the impression that
    this was his vision, his baby.

    Paul, by the way directed that fine film, “Mortal Kombat” and a little
    known film called “Shopping”.  He seemed a little naive:  “It was
    fantastic doing a movie that’s set entirely on spaceships....usually,
    you’re always one step ahead of the audience and of the movie, and know
    which of the characters are going to get killed, because they have
    ‘victim’ stamped on their foreheads.”

    Anderson cited so many influences, analogies, and comparisons that I
    began to wonder if he had any idea of what he was after:  “(EH)...the
    retelling of the Flying Dutchman and the Marie Celeste story”, “Instead
    of the Overlook Hotel in ‘The Shining’, it’s set onboard a spaceship”,
    “American studios hadn’t made A-List Scary Movies like ‘The Exorcist’,
    and ‘The Omen’ for some 15 years...”, “We looked at ‘Rosemary’s Baby’”,
    “...We came up with ‘techno-medieval’...(EH)...it looks very
    technological, very kind of ‘2001:  A Space Odyssey’...”,  “‘Event
    Horizon’ is an attempt to return to that...” (the way ‘ALIEN’ hid the
    true identity of the monster until the end.),  “‘Star Wars’ was the big
    one when I was a kid...I was more deeply affected by such Charlton
    Heston movies as:  ‘The Omega Man’ and ‘Soylent Green’...I loved
    ‘Logan’s Run’, too.” , “I grew-up on Westerns.”, “If you took ‘Solaris’
    and turned it into a n American action movie, you may end up with ‘Event

    Paul Anderson seems to think if his actors were cool characters in other
    sci-fi films, the audience will be impressed and focus on that as they
    watch ‘EH’:
    (on Kathleen Quinlan, castmember of ‘EH’):  “...which is nice, because
    in ‘Apollo 13’ she was the loyal wife...”,  (on cast member Sam Neill):
    “...he saves the kids in ‘Jurassic Park’”.

    Actor Laurence Fishburne is a real enigma to Paul Anderson:  “...he
    usually plays quite a villainous character, to cast him as this great,
    John Wayne character was great.  But then you’re never quite sure you
    should trust him, because after all, he was Ike Turner in ‘What’s Love
    Got To Do With It?’ (There he goes again!)

    Yet God-forbid you think ‘ALIEN’ in the same breath as ‘Event Horizon’ :
    “You’re expecting...another version of ‘ALIEN’, and that’s not what you
    get at all, instead you get a very scary psychological horror movie”,
    “We wanted to come up with something original, rather than ‘ALIEN’ and
    Blade Runner rolled into one...”

    Paul Anderson’s next project is ‘The Soldier’, starring Kurt Russell
    (who is in a lot of Sci-Fi-Horror-Thriller-Action films).  “It’s really
    ‘Unforgiven’ in space.” (FYI, ‘The Soldier’s’ producer, David Peoples
    also produced ‘Unforgiven’ and...yep, ‘Bladerunner’.)

    Would you hire him to make your movie?:  “( re: Eisner, his
    screenwriting partner)...he initially imagined the film to be made for
    about $5 million...Then, he found out it was 10 times that much...”,
    “Making movies allows me to do things I can’t normally do” (such as
    forming a logical or original thought, for example), “On this movie, I
    get to show Laurence Fishburne how to hold a gun, point it and shoot the
    thing.  Can you ask for anything better?” (Paul, Fishburne was in
    ‘Apocalypse Now’ when he was a teenager, you’re lucky he didn’t beat
    your ass when you told him how to handle a gun!), “...We started to
    design the ship by scanning Notre Dame cathedral into the computer, and
    then we built our spaceship as elements of that cathedral, but rendering
    it in metal instead of stone.  The ‘Event Horizon’ is built in the shape
    of a crucifix, which is the way all cathedrals are built.  While a
    cathedral would have a gargoyle hanging over the top, we have an antenna
    cluster, gut it has the same feeling as a gargoyle. ...something quite
    old and scary, yet also quite new and futuristic.”

    Anderson’s general summation?:  “...Viewers wont’ be treated to the
    usual ‘no big deal’ approach to space flight...Space Exploration is
    dirty, dangerous work.”

    “‘Event Horizon’ gives you all the genre conventions, fulfilling your
    expectations, but it also gives you something very, very different.”

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    Marv Albert Trial Report

    22nd September, 1997 submitted by Rev. TyedyeClick Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
         (ARLINGTON, Virginia) Marv Albert ignored a woman's dignity in his "penis-centered pursuit of
    sexual perversion," Prosecutor Peter Smith complained Monday as opening
    arguments began in the sportscaster's sodomy trial.
         Smith called the accuser "a woman who had been his lover, a woman who
    had been his friend for 10 years, a woman who had cared for him." He said
    the two met in 1986 when the accuser was a church secretary at a Catholic
    Sunday School "and the relationship took off rapidly. It was a sexual
    relationship of master and slave from almost the very beginning."  Defense
    attorneys for Albert have maintained that the woman was a nymphomaniac
    Dominatrix who was employed by a Las Vegas escort service.
         Albert is accused of severely biting his longtime lover on her back and
    forcing her to perform oral sex. He pleaded innocent Yesterday by
    announcing, "I am 110% not guilty."  If he is convicted, he could face a
    life sentence satisfying other inmate's 'penis-centered pursuits of sexual
    perversions.'  Prosecutors intend on calling Evander Holeyfield and John
    Wayne Bobbitt as expert witnesses.
         "On February 12, a coarse and crude abuse of a human being took place,
    and it took place and was accomplished by his physical domination of a
    41-year-old woman who is not accustomed to being dominated." Smith told
    jurors.  But Smith said the relationship was not intense and Mr. Albert
    would go two or three months at a time without getting the crap beat out of
    him because of his busy schedule.
         Albert sat stonily at an earlier hearing as his lawyers and prosecutors
    discussed the definitions of biting and the mechanics of specific sexual
    acts that may be hotly detailed at trial. Opening arguments began after a
    closed hearing on how much of the accuser's sexual past would be admitted
    into evidence. The state has a rape shield law that requires defense lawyers
    to show how an accuser's sexual history would be entertaining or of prurient
    interest to the jury.
         Albert and his team of about 10 lawyers, researchers and sexual
    psychologists, all dressed in black leather ensembles, took their places in
    the courtroom.  Perhaps opening a window into the defense strategy, Albert's
    lead attorney Steve Airola this morning asked about 20 potential jurors if
    any had ever seen the movie, "The Dallas Cheerleaders do Don Madden." The
    film is about a group of nymphomaniac dominatrixes who cried rape when a
    celebrity slave reversed roles on them and refused to respect them in the
         Defense attorneys plan to argue that Albert had consensual sex with his
    accuser.  Legal experts say defense lawyers probably will try to turn the
    tables on the accuser, arguing that she is just seeking revenge on Albert
    after his role reversal in a hotel room February 12.  "She wants to have the
    last word and dominate him until the end", said Defense Psychologist Sandy
    Haley, "She is one relentless, ruthless bitch."
         Judge John Martin had previously warned the jury candidates: "There's
    going to be testimony about oral sex and it may be graphic."  Airola also
    asked the panel members if they would have difficulty with testimony about
    sex.   "Would there be anyone uncomfortable to sit on a case involving a
    sexual activity, something you hadn't necessarily done before, but wished
    you had, involving biting or something like that?"  No potential jurors said
    they would be uncomfortable sitting on such a sexually active case.  All
    emphasized that they were enthusiastic and looking forward to performing
    their civic duties.  Nor did jurors say they would be disturbed by hearing
    about sex acts they themselves have not had the opportunity to perform.
         Superior Court Clerk Jackie Johnson reflected that, "Unlike most trials
    nationwide, citizens were complaining when they were rejected as jurors."
         For anyone over age eighteen interested in sneak previews about
    specific evidence in this case, they may call 1-900-555-MARV.  The call is
    just $3.95 per minute. Offer void in Mississippi and Utah.

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    Sad Story of Drugs and Death Repeated in Small Town

    13th September, 1997 Submitted by Sir Reverend Dr. Tyrone Dye (aka Tyedye) E.S.U.H.   Click Here to return to Front Page
         Reprinted with the blessings of 10 novenas from the Bethlehem Herald,
    Bethlehem, Mexico:

         Notorious drug cartel boss Jesus Gomez was sentenced to crucifixion
    by a court in Tijuana yesterday.  After a long televised trial that many
    observers compared to a legal circus, the gavel pounded away Gomez’s
    last hope for freedom.  There will be no appeal.  United States Drug
    Czar Mohammed Hussain hailed the conviction as a “triumph against the
    dark forces rallying to undermine the essence and integrity of our
    precious bodily fluids.”  As with Al Capone, authorities never could
    make a legitimate criminal charge stick, but rather than arresting Gomez
    on a bogus tax evasion indictment, the Humane Society swore out a
    warrant for his arrest charging him with cruelty to animals
    (specifically, drowning a herd of swine in the sea).  In June 1996,
    after a world wide manhunt, an un-named informant for the Mexican
    Government (now confirmed to be Judas Escargot, one of  Gomez’s 12
    deputies in the crime syndicate), led the Federales to a rain forest in
    Cabo San Lucas.
         Based upon trial testimony, it is now known that three of the
    cartel deputies (brothers Pedro, Jaime, and Juan Sanchez), were assigned
    to stand perimeter guard duty.  After finding them asleep at their
    posts, Gomez scolded them, “If you guys have a problem staying awake,
    try using some of our own product”.  Apparently, the potency was low
    from too many cuts, because the guards allegedly fell back to sleep,
    allowing the Federales to tippytoe through their camp in a way even
    Ninja Assassins would envy.
         With the Governments inability to visually identify Gomez, Escargot
    was previously instructed to betray his leader with a kiss.  Eyewitness
    accounts were conflicting at best, some saying that Gomez was a
    homosexual and accepted the kiss with enthusiasm, others saying he was a
    confirmed heterosexual and when he saw the kiss coming he cleverly
    ducked it saying, “Sorry Judas, I don’t swing that way”.  In either
    event, aware he was cornered and knowing he had the best attorneys money
    could corrupt, a bewildered Gomez allowed himself to be handcuffed
    without incident while 11 of his deputies fled into the surrounding
    woods.  They were still at large and considered confused and depressed,
    until, unbathed and hungry after months on the run, they turned
    themselves in.   In a fit of guilt, Escargot hung himself in jail last
    month while awaiting trial.  All 12 deputies were later granted immunity
    for testifying against Gomez or for aiding the authorities, including
    Escargot, posthumously.
         Gomez’s cell mate was a sociopath named Barrabas Hernandez.  While
    Hernandez had been convicted of the serial murders of 19 card carrying
    ACLU members, he had much compassion for quadrupeds.  At Gomez’s trial
    Hernandez turned states evidence and told of his jailhouse confession.
    “Jesus tole me he did the deed.  Being an ethical man, ordinarily I
    would never snitch on nobody, but a man must do the right thing when it
    comes to protecting a harmless pig”.   (Hernandez was later pardoned for
    his crimes by the Governor in return for testifying against Gomez).
         Since his arrest, the only words Gomez has spoken publicly were
    cryptic.  “"Padre, Padre.  por qui me has desamparado?” (Father, why
    have you foresaken me?).  Insiders say that Gomez believed in
    soothsayers and spirits, having had his palm read weekly.  He kept a
    deck of Tarot Cards and a rabbit’s foot with him wherever he
    travelled.   Some believed that this was the secret to his success at
    avoiding capture in the past, and he converted many of his deputies to
    his superstition preferences.  He obviously felt that his dead father
    Jose` was guiding and protecting him from the authorities, then had for
    some unknown reason abandoned him.  There is no other explanation for
    his statement.
         Gomez will be crucified tomorrow at 6am.  It has been rumored that
    he has requested kosher pork burritos for his last meal.  A large crowd
    is expected, so many people are camping (upwind) on the sidewalk tonight
    in order to reserve a good seat.

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    Meek Lobby For Tax Cut

    14th September. 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (Washington, DC) In preperation for the coming apocalypse, lobbyists for the American Association of the Meek are pushing hard for tax reform before the year 2000.

    "Our clients face dire consequences under current inheritance tax law," said Arnie Smot, chief of the AAM lobbying arm.  "Under current laws, the Meek would have to sacrifice over 70 percent of their inheritance to the government before they even see an acre."

    Mr. Smot is of course referring to a clause whereby the meek, in the event of, 'an apocalypse, world-end or other armageddon shall inherit in whole the title and possession of the planet referred to as Terra, Earth or Gaia.'

    The AAM fear that many governments, especially the US and Europe will attempt to withold a large chunk of their inheritance which is rightly theirs.

    "We're not going to let some bullys take away the inheritance we've waited patiently for," said one AAM member who was afraid to be named. "That's not what America's about.  If we don't get our fair inheritance we're gonna, we'll, well I tell you we'll be really mad and stuff."

    Congress is currently putting a bill through committee which would lower capital gains tax on biblical and other religious inheritances to 50 percent with the majority of the revenues earmarked for social welfare.

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