Most images have been removed to prevent peeling and irritation.
The new statutes came as a result of mass exodus from the 1990s by people fed up with how the first 92 years of the century had gone and refusing to see it to its end.
An alliance of multinational corporations said in a statement released this morning in twelve languages, "This is the kind ot apathy and lack of stick-to-it-ness that is leading ______'s economy deeper into recession while our competitors gain on us. This is why we refuse to deal with today's young people. This is why we're doing our duty to put a stop to this nonsense once and for all. We have nothing more to say you must now disperse."
As well as hoping to put a stop to the desertion to the next century, another act has '... suspended the 20th century out of neccessity for the well being of _______'s economy; and of course, the people too.'
The new laws carry prison serrtences that keep the offender incarcerated until the 20th century has officially ended.
The multinational conglomeration refused to comment further on the new laws, but one spokesman who insisted on anonymity said the next century could be postponed for at least 25 years, maybe more.
WESTINGHOUSE-SONY-pre-breakup AT&T refused to comment on why or how multinational corporations could team up to issue worldwide legislation.
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(Greenville, Illinois) In late June, the forces of the man invaded
the
(x)BriIliant News Compound and forced the publisher to flee
interrupting publication. This attack was prompted by several reports we
printed from a book called 'A Plan For The Man.' Once again we will endeavour
to bring you the truth about this plot.
The Department of The Interior and The University of Illinois Library collaborated to design a plan of world domination by 'The Man.' This month we will reprint the major findings of our first breaking story. You can order the full report by sending 10 cents to (x)Brilliant News 607 Maple Street, Greenville, IL 62246 and asking for issue six, June ,22,1993.
Basically here's the scoop. "A Plan For The Man" is a
"management development program" designed to keep 'the people' , down in employment as clerks, student workers and service employees.
It you are currently working in a low advancement iow pay job you are the fodder for the man's plan. Our initial recommendation still holds true. Stay away from libraries and parks and await further fnstructions.
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"Sometimes a kid would be just awful but I'd give him free games just to get a fix,' said the worn but durable video star.
Late last year Man checked himseif into the Frogger clinic. He kicked his smack habit and is now getting his life together again.
"I'm negotiating with Bally for a joint project between myself and Centipede. We're also talking with the Defender folks."
Once the subject of a hit single by Buckner & Garcia, Pac-Man learned the hard way not to let success go to your head.
"When I think back to those days and remember how I could hardly gobble and sometimes hoped to be forever unplugged, I realize how lucky I am."
P-Man started The non-profit organization V-GESP (Video Gamer Education Support and Prevention) this year to help stop future tragedies.
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State Department offcials refused to comment on the situation. One high ranking official, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated, "I think we've found our new common enemy. And this time its right in our own backyard. I'm not talking about the drug war either!"
A copy of the act of secession and a constitution for the PDCNK was found by (x)BN sources in the library at Southem Illinois University in Carbondale Illinois. The documents place the capitol in Carbondale under the leadership of Agent 86 the most high revolutionary agent of the MSSI (Movement to Separate Southem Illinois).
Among other things the constitution calls for increased powers for campus police in Southern Illinois Junior Colleges, Possession as l0/tenths of the law and socialized beer.
State officials in Illinois call the reports "outrageous' and "Unconscionable"
but when pressed said they really weren't sure what those words meant.
Governor Jim Edgar told reporters, "As long as they don't do anything I
don't see that they're really a problem.
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Tums out its wrong! There is NO crime in Los Angeles, Calrfomia, and there hasn't been in years. But the people of the city have conspired to keep the utopia to themselves by fabricating the lies of danger and fear.
In actuality, Los Angeles bears a striking resemblance to the setting of the old Andy Grrffith show. People fish a lot, there is a harmless and good-natured town drunk, and though police offcers do figure very prominently in the community, they only carry one bullet with them and keep it in their breast pocket.
The last big crime in LA occured in October 1988. Bill Wilson from down on Maple Street had his Ford broken into by a couple of kids in a haloween prank gone bad. The parents punished the children by taking away their MTV for two weeks and making them pay off Bill's windshield by working after school at his fruit stand. They certainly leamed their lesson!
So let's dispell the myths once and for all. The streets of Los Angeles are paved with gold and if you would like to join us in our friendly little community, just drop us a line. Or stop by. We'd love to have you.
Just make sure to bring cash with you (to buy souverniers).
And come alone. And unarmed. About 11:30 PM, under the overpass on Figuerora
and l5th. We'll be waiting.
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Disguised as MOTOROLA, the Texan invaded warehouses and grocery stores across America buying up soup. Immediately he contacted Campbell's and other major souperies and forced them to buy soup-like substances to replace their fastly-depleting stock.
Our crack team of investigative agents, disguised as IBM infiltrated the billionaire's stronghold in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The Wisconsin police themselves happily showed us around the compound they are guarding.
When asked about the eithics of cooperating with the dastardly enterprise, they replied. "Yah. hey ya know. uh we're gonna have the richest state in the union when this is all over. Ya wanna couple beers or sometin?"
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Chairman Bo (Bo 'Buddah' Cogglesnop) remarked, 'Many think it is useless but many underestimate the power of the word.' T
he great chairman's sentence was immediatoly transcribed into the "Little Multicolered Book' which will be required reading at the school. Harmon Flowersnap was appointed President while Chairman Bo will serve as Chancellor.
Flowersnap stated in a press conference that the University would have many campuses but no single building.
"We really want the world to be our campus and our textbook. But if that gets in the way of making bucks then we'll chuck it."
Campus Police immediatey ushered Flowersnap to an important meeting.
The Unidiversity will offer (x)Masters o' duh Arts, Doctarates of Brilliance and (X)Doctorates. Admissions information and course programs can be obtained by writing to (x). B.U., Attn: Graduate Admissions Officer, 607 Maple Street, Greemille, IL 62246. Also watch for local campus branches.
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Now, if you have CourtTV on your cable hookup, then this week's winner needs no introduction. (In L.A. CourtTV is not just a network, it's also the best way to know if your city block will bs set on fire in the next few hours.)
He's up for the death penalty because he stood up to 'the man". Actually, he took a shotgun and blew the man away along with the man's wife who also happened to be his parents, but we're not here to judge.
He and his brother also scared the hell out of their psychiatrist who was a known "tool of the man."
He dresses sharp, looks handsome, and wears a $5,000 Rolex watsh. In fact he might just be the new Most Eligible Bachelor, since JFK jr. is now out of the running. He's not afraid to show emotion, he's spontaneous and exciting, he is LYLE MENENDEZ. And he is our TWENTYSOMETHING OF THE WEEK!!!!
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We have an unadulterated picture snapped inside the dark corrfines of TEXAS INSTRUMENTS!
What looks like a loom is actually a highly technical microchip reproducer being tended NOT by an able-minded Twentysomething grad but by a specially breeded "teenysomething" who was raised by machines in the booming 80's..
So why do the boomers whine? Not only to cover up the horrible hideous truth but ALSO to prime the pump for when the pump runs out on these super babys.
DONT TAKE THEIR JOBS. Stay in school. Lay low. And by all means leave the century if you can. You'll be in a better position to bargain 10 years from now when the Boomers are crying for your much needed skilled labor. HA AHA the jokes on them now. We know and we don't care!!!!!
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The circulation desk is an altar. there are three of everything (in a trinity sort of way) and there is a choir loft above the reference area. The floor is patterened after an Italian Church and all the metal railings are in the shape of crosses. The library was prepared to divine the secret edicts set down by Reveredend Richie "Glory." The library is called the "Bobst" Library. This can be traced back to an ancient evil cult of the anti-library that were the forerunners of the man.
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The dog commented that he was a messenger sent by the God Nayoo, invoked by the ones who plan. The dog was impounded.
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People in charge say they are 'unsure' exactiy what effect this lack of humour has on those of us not in power, but say we'll probably get used to it. Many people have tumed to the idea that funrry is a lot like God.
"After all." said the spokesman, " God hasn't been around for more than 2000 years, and yet lots of people are still willing to force their unfounded faiths on others, and then kill them when they refuse."
Comedy, like religion, is on the rise. Both however only fulfill in times of self delusion and to the mentally crippled. Sources are unsure exactly when the last "funny" thing occurred. Some say humour ended with the death of Andy Kaufman. While others argue that the first six episodes of cable television's "Ren & Stimpy" were comedy's last vestige.
All network television channels say they will continue to resurrect the rotting corpse of comedy with shows about homeless people who like being homeless, a pussy-cat and a birdy who get in a car and drive to Poughkeepsie and endless spinoffs and ideas taken from sit-coms which aired when things were still funny.
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(Acton, Massachusets) The cookie world was rocked by scandal last week when the Keebler Elves were arrested after allegedly attempting to steal the Washington Monument and inject it with a rich, creamy fiiling.
No injuries were reported at the incident, although a few tourists complained afterwords of "an unexpected craving for a tall glass of rnilk."
When pressed for a motive behind the devilish act. the Elves simply stated, "It looks like a giant Ph.. Twinkie."
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PEARL JAM - WHATEVER ITS CALLED
As anxiously awaited as HIV test results, this became the fastest
sellinq record ever recorded. Whatever. Don't believe the hype. Just because
they're on newsweek that doesn't rnean anything. Don't let Newsweek dictate
your tastes! And don't Iet me do it! If you want something originai buy
the new Didjits record. Or don't. I don't care
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Donald Terrell, 60 filed a lawsuit in Akron, Ohio in May, charging that urologist Jack Surnmers should have given him a three-piece inflatable penile impiant, but instead gave him a two-piece job, which failed to work because Terrell's penis is too large.
A court in Trenton. New Jersey ruled in June that Jantes Eluckfeldt
would have to pay for the legal defense of his two teenage sons because
the family is too well-off for public defenders. Eluckfeldt's sons are
charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill him.
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Now after stealing ideas from the Beckman Institute in Champaign, Illinois, the brain has worked out a plan for world domination.
"First of all it involves disrupting the plan for the man. Then taking away all freedom of press especially that damn Brilliant News.
(x)Dr. of 0logology Nkia Cnkel of (X)Brilliant Unidiversity said. "There
are a lot of potatos there."
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