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SuBBrilliant News Archives- October 1993 

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October, 1993


2nd October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) WESTINGHOUSE, SONY and pre-breakup AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH announced at 3:15 A.M. (EST) this morning that new legislation has passed making it a felony crime to desert the 20th century in favor of the next hundred years.

The new statutes came as a result of mass exodus from the 1990s by people fed up with how the first 92 years of the century had gone and refusing to see it to its end.

An alliance of multinational corporations said in a statement released this morning in twelve languages, "This is the kind ot apathy and lack of stick-to-it-ness that is leading ______'s economy deeper into recession while our competitors gain on us. This is why we refuse to deal with today's young people. This is why we're doing our duty to put a stop to this nonsense once and for all. We have nothing more to say you must now disperse."

As well as hoping to put a stop to the desertion to the next century, another act has '... suspended the 20th century out of neccessity for the well being of _______'s economy; and of course, the people too.'

The new laws carry prison serrtences that keep the offender incarcerated until the 20th century has officially ended.

The multinational conglomeration refused to comment further on the new laws, but one spokesman who insisted on anonymity said the next century could be postponed for at least 25 years, maybe more.

WESTINGHOUSE-SONY-pre-breakup AT&T refused to comment on why or how multinational corporations could team up to issue worldwide legislation.

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The Man is on the Move

2nd October, 1993 by Tom Merritt

(Greenville, Illinois) In late June, the forces of the man invaded the (x)BriIliant News Compound and forced the publisher to flee interrupting publication. This attack was prompted by several reports we printed from a book called 'A Plan For The Man.' Once again we will endeavour to bring you the truth about this plot.

The Department of The Interior and The University of Illinois Library collaborated to design a plan of world domination by 'The Man.' This month we will reprint the major findings of our first breaking story. You can order the full report by sending 10 cents to (x)Brilliant News 607 Maple Street, Greenville, IL 62246 and asking for issue six, June ,22,1993.

Basically here's the scoop. "A Plan For The Man" is a

"management development program" designed to keep 'the people' ,  down in employment as clerks, student workers and service employees.

It you are currently working in a low advancement iow pay job you are the fodder for the man's plan. Our initial recommendation still holds true. Stay away from libraries and parks and await further fnstructions.

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Pac-Man Makes a Comeback

He's Kicked His Heroine Habit

2nd October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
Once the darling of the arcade world, Pac-Man fell into a Iife of drugs and gambling in the early 1990s. After his painful divorce he began to prostitute himself in cheap laundromats and small town arcades for the few measley quarters he could scrape together from video primitives.

"Sometimes a kid would be just awful but I'd give him free games just to get a fix,' said the worn but durable video star.

Late last year Man checked himseif into the Frogger clinic. He kicked his smack habit and is now getting his life together again.

"I'm negotiating with Bally for a joint project between myself and Centipede. We're also talking with the Defender folks."

Once the subject of a hit single by Buckner & Garcia, Pac-Man learned the hard way not to let success go to your head.

"When I think back to those days and remember how I could hardly gobble and sometimes hoped to be forever unplugged, I realize how lucky I am."

P-Man started The non-profit organization V-GESP (Video Gamer Education Support and Prevention) this year to help stop future tragedies.

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Southern Illinois Secedes

9th October, 1993 by Mark Jurgena
(Pocahontas, IL) SBN sources in several locations have independently confirmed that all of Illinois south of Interstate 70 secretly seceded from the United States several years ago. Sources also report that the People's Democratic Commomwealth of Northem Kentucky, as it is secretly named, has been sponsoring several miltary actions across the globe. Twice they have attempted to take over Russia and have succeeded in operations in Abkhazia, Haiti and Bosnia-Herzegovina.

State Department offcials refused to comment on the situation. One high ranking official, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated, "I think we've found our new common enemy. And this time its right in our own backyard. I'm not talking about the drug war either!"

A copy of the act of secession and a constitution for the PDCNK was found by (x)BN sources in the library at Southem Illinois University in Carbondale Illinois. The documents place the capitol in Carbondale under the leadership of Agent 86 the most high revolutionary agent of the MSSI (Movement to Separate Southem Illinois).

Among other things the constitution calls for increased powers for campus police in Southern Illinois Junior Colleges, Possession as l0/tenths of the law and socialized beer.

State officials in Illinois call the reports "outrageous' and "Unconscionable" but when pressed said they really weren't sure what those words meant. Governor Jim Edgar told reporters, "As long as they don't do anything I don't see that they're really a problem.

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9th October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) Gangs. Guns. A violent, hideous death lurking around every comer ready to punce on you and end your miserable existence. Is that your perception of the city of angels?

Tums out its wrong! There is NO crime in Los Angeles, Calrfomia, and there hasn't been in years. But the people of the city have conspired to keep the utopia to themselves by fabricating the lies of danger and fear.

In actuality, Los Angeles bears a striking resemblance to the setting of the old Andy Grrffith show. People fish a lot, there is a harmless and good-natured town drunk, and though police offcers do figure very prominently in the community, they only carry one bullet with them and keep it in their breast pocket.

The last big crime in LA occured in October 1988. Bill Wilson from down on Maple Street had his Ford broken into by a couple of kids in a haloween prank gone bad. The parents punished the children by taking away their MTV for two weeks and making them pay off Bill's windshield by working after school at his fruit stand. They certainly leamed their lesson!

So let's dispell the myths once and for all. The streets of Los Angeles are paved with gold and if you would like to join us in our friendly little community, just drop us a line. Or stop by. We'd love to have you.

Just make sure to bring cash with you (to buy souverniers). And come alone. And unarmed. About 11:30 PM, under the overpass on Figuerora and l5th. We'll be waiting.

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Hides Stash of Stock in Wisconsin

9th October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
(Austin, Texas) An unidentified Texas Billionaire has successfully cornered a market in the United States for the first time in years.

Disguised as MOTOROLA, the Texan invaded warehouses and grocery stores across America buying up soup. Immediately he contacted Campbell's and other major souperies and forced them to buy soup-like substances to replace their fastly-depleting stock.

Our crack team of investigative agents, disguised as IBM infiltrated the billionaire's stronghold in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The Wisconsin police themselves happily showed us around the compound they are guarding.

When asked about the eithics of cooperating with the dastardly enterprise, they replied. "Yah. hey ya know. uh we're gonna have the richest state in the union when this is all over. Ya wanna couple beers or sometin?"

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Unidiversity Founded

19th October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
(Greenville, Illinois) In a move to restore the integrity of the American educational system, the board of directors at the Brilliant News voted yesterday to form the (x)Brilliant Unidiversity. Many members feel that the word University implied a single way of leaming rather than a variety of viewpoints. Therfore the term Unidiversity implies many views under one roof.

Chairman Bo (Bo 'Buddah' Cogglesnop) remarked, 'Many think it is useless but many underestimate the power of the word.' T

he great chairman's sentence was immediatoly transcribed into the "Little Multicolered Book' which will be required reading at the school. Harmon Flowersnap was appointed President while Chairman Bo will serve as Chancellor.

Flowersnap stated in a press conference that the University would have many campuses but no single building.

"We really want the world to be our campus and our textbook. But if that gets in the way of making bucks then we'll chuck it."

Campus Police immediatey ushered Flowersnap to an important meeting.

The Unidiversity will offer (x)Masters o' duh Arts, Doctarates of Brilliance and (X)Doctorates. Admissions information and course programs can be obtained by writing to (x). B.U., Attn: Graduate Admissions Officer, 607 Maple Street, Greemille, IL 62246. Also watch for local campus branches.

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Meet Lyle Menendez

19th October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) Once a week every week, the (X)Brilliant News names one of its very own tightly-knit community of Gen. X-ers spanning the continent to be honored with the illustrious title of 'TWENTYSOMETHING OF THE WEEK.'

Now, if you have CourtTV on your cable hookup, then this week's winner needs no introduction. (In L.A. CourtTV is not just a network, it's also the best way to know if your city block will bs set on fire in the next few hours.)

He's up for the death penalty because he stood up to 'the man". Actually, he took a shotgun and blew the man away along with the man's wife who also happened to be his parents, but we're not here to judge.

He and his brother also scared the hell out of their psychiatrist who was a known "tool of the man."

He dresses sharp, looks handsome, and wears a $5,000 Rolex watsh. In fact he might just be the new Most Eligible Bachelor, since JFK jr. is now out of the running. He's not afraid to show emotion, he's spontaneous and exciting, he is LYLE MENENDEZ. And he is our TWENTYSOMETHING OF THE WEEK!!!!

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Jobs Being Taken By "Teenysomethings"

19th October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
(Austin, Texas) While the Baby Boomers whine and complain that the twentysomethings are lazy good for nothings, they simultaneously stab them in the back. They're giving our jobs to 10 year olds!

We have an unadulterated picture snapped inside the dark corrfines of TEXAS INSTRUMENTS!

What looks like a loom is actually a highly technical microchip reproducer being tended NOT by an able-minded Twentysomething grad but by a specially breeded "teenysomething" who was raised by machines in the booming 80's..

So why do the boomers whine? Not only to cover up the horrible hideous truth but ALSO to prime the pump for when the pump runs out on these super babys.

DONT TAKE THEIR JOBS. Stay in school. Lay low. And by all means leave the century if you can. You'll be in a better position to bargain 10 years from now when the Boomers are crying for your much needed skilled labor. HA AHA the jokes on them now. We know and we don't care!!!!!

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NYU Library Altar of the Man

19th October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
(New York)  A link between the strange religious activities at state Universities in the Midwest and East was made by undercover occult reporters of (x)BN last month.  The entire New York University Library was once a large religious symbol used for deviant sacrifices to aid the "Plan for the Man."

The circulation desk is an altar. there are three of everything (in a trinity sort of way) and there is a choir loft above the reference area.  The floor is patterened after an Italian Church and all the metal railings are in the shape of crosses.  The library was prepared to divine the secret edicts set down by Reveredend Richie "Glory."  The library is called the "Bobst" Library.  This can be traced back to an ancient evil cult of the anti-library that were the forerunners of the man.

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Dog Runs By House

19th October, 1993 by Kierkegaard
(Acton, Massachussetts) A dog caused concern among at least one resident of this sleepy New England town.  At 7:11PM a Burroughs road woman called in sheer terror, reporting that "a dog keeps running by my house."

The dog commented that he was a messenger sent by the God Nayoo, invoked by the ones who plan.  The dog was impounded.

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Nothing Funny Anymore

30th October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
(Los Angeles) The heads of every entertainment corporation in the United States made a joint announcement that there really is nothing funny anymore in the entire world. An entertainment spokesman who insisted on anonymity said, 'Sure there's still stuff to laugh about, but it has to be done out of sarcasm or as a defense against total despair. Like when those beauty contestants in Sarajevo put up a banner that read, "PLEASE DON'T LET US DIE.' Some people laugh at that,.. but it's really not funny.

People in charge say they are 'unsure' exactiy what effect this lack of humour has on those of us not in power, but say we'll probably get used to it. Many people have tumed to the idea that funrry is a lot like God.

"After all." said the spokesman, " God hasn't been around for more than 2000 years, and yet lots of people are still willing to force their unfounded faiths on others, and then kill them when they refuse."

Comedy, like religion, is on the rise. Both however only fulfill in times of self delusion and to the mentally crippled. Sources are unsure exactly when the last "funny" thing occurred. Some say humour ended with the death of Andy Kaufman. While others argue that the first six episodes of cable television's "Ren & Stimpy" were comedy's last vestige.

All network television channels say they will continue to resurrect the rotting corpse of comedy with shows about homeless people who like being homeless, a pussy-cat and a birdy who get in a car and drive to Poughkeepsie and endless spinoffs and ideas taken from sit-coms which aired when things were still funny.

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Reporter on Acid?  Or Real Conspiracy?

30th October, 1993 by Kierkegaard
Ed. note The following highly suspect report was filed with the news de,partment last Friday. While there is some question to its validity something tells us there's more to this than she could file.

(Acton, Massachusets) The cookie world was rocked by scandal last week when the Keebler Elves were arrested after allegedly attempting to steal the Washington Monument and inject it with a rich, creamy fiiling.

No injuries were reported at the incident, although a few tourists complained afterwords of "an unexpected craving for a tall glass of rnilk."

When pressed for a motive behind the devilish act. the Elves simply stated, "It looks like a giant Ph.. Twinkie."

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Off the Edge:  Record Review with Smilin' Sammy

30th October, 1993 by Smilin' Sammy

 As anxiously awaited as HIV test results, this became the fastest sellinq record ever recorded. Whatever. Don't believe the hype. Just because they're on newsweek that doesn't rnean anything. Don't let Newsweek dictate your tastes! And don't Iet me do it! If you want something originai buy the new Didjits record. Or don't. I don't care

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Around the World with (x)BN

30th October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
A 60 year-old Stockton, California slaughterhouse worker was decapitated in June by a machine that takes the hides off of cows. In June a judge told an Army sgt. to wait 3O days to undo the name change he had just been granted. He now had second thoughts about his name change to "Jesus Christ Hallelujah."

Donald Terrell, 60 filed a lawsuit in Akron, Ohio in May, charging that urologist Jack Surnmers should have given him a three-piece inflatable penile impiant,  but instead gave him a two-piece job, which failed to work because Terrell's penis is too large.

A court in Trenton. New Jersey ruled in June that Jantes Eluckfeldt would have to pay for the legal defense of his two teenage sons because the family is too well-off for public defenders. Eluckfeldt's sons are charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill him.

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Twentysomething of the Week: Darren Drozdov

30th October, 1993 by Mark Mauer
He's a defensive tackle for the Denver Brcncos, and on a nationally televised game he vomited on the ball. Said Drozdov, "I get sick a lot. I was a highschool quarterback and I'd start throwing up on my center's back. I don't have a lot of control out there." None of us do Darren, none of us do.

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Idaho Planning World Takeover

30th October, 1993 by Tom Merritt
(Austin, Texas) Fed up with debates on trade, health care and higher taxes, the people of Argonne, Idaho are taking matters into their own hands. Using only small sticks and stray pine cones the righteous citizens of Argonne raided the Argonne National Laboratories and began work on a giant electronic brain last May.

Now after stealing ideas from the Beckman Institute in Champaign, Illinois, the brain has worked out a plan for world domination.

"First of all it involves disrupting the plan for the man. Then taking away all freedom of press especially that damn Brilliant News.

(x)Dr. of 0logology Nkia Cnkel of (X)Brilliant Unidiversity said. "There are a lot of potatos there."

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