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SuBBrilliant News Archives- November 1997 

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  • November 1997

  • Human Pores Declared National Security Risk

    19th November, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect    Click Here to return to Front Page
          (WASHINGTON) "And so, we plan to seal up every one of these myriad breaches in the hopes of finally making the United States people and Government, impenetrable."
        Special Operative Pat Jamplosky finished his press conference with that sentence, leaving the press room in stunned silence.  Not since the Cuban Missal Crisis has America felt so unnerved and so vulnerable.
        Jamplosky unveiled secret CIA findings that the American people play host to literally trillions of possible security breaches right on their very bodies.
        "The human pores and orifices can be entered and exited at will, often without the human host ever knowing anything has happened," explained Jamplosky in the briefing.
        When asked to detail what possible advantage could be or may have been taken regarding these 'pores', Jamplosky refused comment. "I'm afraid that's a matter of national security.  However, I can say that a zit isn't always a zit."
        The CIA is recommending a nationwide campaign to seal up all pores and orifices thus making the United States the most secure nation in the history of the world.
        "Nothing will penetrate us," said Jamplosky. "We will not see feal or hear anything of the outside world, thus securing our security is safe and secure for a safe amount of nationally secure time."
        High level leaders will not be sealed but instead placed in protective boxes that insure an even higher level of impenetrability.  Jamplosky indicated that eventually the CIA would like to remove all citizens from their rather insecure bodies and place their minds in encrypted files.

    SuBBrilliant News Welcomes The Old Fat

    17th November, 1997 submitted by The Old Fatt.click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (BOSTON)The Very Grumpy Old Man, known to his Boston fan club as The Old Fat, once again sits down at his terminal (today a BARFstation 20) to pour enlightenment down the throats of the Great Unwashed.  That's you, boys & girls.  Open wide.

    Did it ever cross your flabby little minds to wonder why they call them "terminals"?  Did you ever once think that it could be a weaselling disclaimer of responsiblity by the electronics manufacturers?  You know, "terminal" as in "Terminal Illness"?

    "Well,they're *called* 'terminals' aren't they?  You knew that  before you clicked mouse one, so don't come whining to us about excess cancers & sterility.  Now get off of my rug and out of my office. And take your IV stand with you."

    If there's such a thing as an *excess* in cancers, is there such a thing as *just the right amount* of cancers, and what  happens if we start to run a *cancer deficit*?  The number of people  diagnosed and treated for cancer is a good measure of the level of medical  care in any country. The number of new cancers diagnosed & treated every  year is much higher in the former Soviet Union than it is in the USA,  and we're supposed to be the strongest, the richest, the most powerful  country in the world!!!  Folks, I think we're talking Cancer Gap here.

    And it's not just a matter of pride in this Sweet Land of Liberty, no sir!  As we fall further & further behind, the companies that make the chemotherapy drugs & the X-ray treatment equipment will have to start laying off workers. Willie will have to drop his to go on the television & announce a race to close The Cancer Gap, and those lovable rascals in Congress will have to start passing bills to help their districts deal with the problem.

    Somewhere on Capitol Hill a congressman takes a phone call from an important constituent:

    "Well, Representative Billy Bob, we're gonna have to lay off 500 people down  here at the Zap-U-Good X-Ray Equipment plant."

    "How come, Plant Manager Billy Bob?"

    "What with the national cancer deficit, there's just no call for the radiation equipment we make.  And I hear at Rotary meetings that things are no better over at the Big Smokey Chemicals plant."

    "Gosh.  Let me put on my thinking cap.  Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.  Say...how about  opening a big new plutonium processing plant?  Then if we can persuade the  plant management to skimp on safety standards, dispose of dangerous wastes illegally, and cut corners in operator training, that should go a long way to help us get back to a safe and sane cancer level.  More cancer, more need  for X-ray equipment & chemotherapy chemicals.  More need for equipment &  chemicals, more jobs.  More jobs, more money in the local economy, not to  mention the boom for nurses, oncologists, hazmat transporters, & the wig & morphine manufacturers.

    Of course, nobody'll want it in their own backyard so we'll probably have to locate it in your hometown.  Which means that the new cancer cases will be among your employees & their families.  How's that strike you, Plant Manager Billy Bob?"

    "Representative Billy Bob, my employees -- be they slopes, wops, micks,  chuckers, beans, dagos, crackers, nips, yids, or samoans -- are all good  patriotic Americans.  And I know, if asked, they'd all be willing to do
    their part to help their country, their fellow employees, and the shareholders.  'Course, why bring it up when we already know they'd be for  it 150%?  Making a public statement'd just give some union-loving,  dope-smoking, navel-piercing, sodomizing, bearded, pointy headed liberal  nervous nellies another excuse to kick up a fuss and put the knock on The  Good Old Red, White, & Blue.

    Besides, the missus has been bugging me & bugging me to buy a house further out of town, and now it looks like a good time to do it."


    Epidemic Plagues Male Masses!

     19th November, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
    (ATLANTA) At one time in our past, Chronic Self-Stimulation Disorder (CSSD) was quite rare, manifested by unusual palm follicle stimulation and dementia. Scientists now believe that the Earth’s eroding ozone layer has altered and diminished our natural tolerance to the virus (Bacillus Penum Solo). CSSD among men has now reached epidemic proportions. Researchers estimate that 96% of all males between the ages of 13 and 60 are infected with the disease, with another 3.98% physically unable to cope due to illness or injury. The prognosis for those 3.98% is bleak. Having the disease and not possessing the ability to act on the associated urge causes insanity, or an aptitude in the study of Physics. Professor Stephen Hawkings is one example of this un-avoidable and debilitating side effect.

     In recent studies, it was discovered that a hormone secretion called Testosterone has been identified as actually transporting the virus in the human body. But those inclined towards paranoia theorize that the CIA and aliens conspired to introduce the man made virus to reduce the numbers of Blacks, Jews and Homosexuals, with the disease spiraling into a general epidemic when the plague evolved and could be transmitted telepathically from one infected person to another.

     Symptoms of CSSD in children and prepubescents are: excessively long showers, locked bedroom doors, Sears Catalogs turned to the lingerie section, an uncontrollable desire to ‘adjust’ themselves in public, and erections during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. Additional symptoms in adult males are; memorizing the phone numbers of adult pay-per-view stations, ‘Hands as soft as a baby’s behind’, and an inclination to leer - sometimes even drool - at large busted women in public.

    The only known treatment that has shown temporary effectiveness is called ‘The Cocktail’, a combination of beer, Quaaludes, and the ESPN's cable sports network. Unfortunately, many men have become addicted to the treatment itself. Some men have resorted to more drastic measures, opting for a surgical solution, which involves cutting the nerves to the penis and pledging large amounts of cash to the 700 Club.

    While rarely fatal, the only known cures for CSSD are impotence, senility, or death.

     Making matters even worse, CSSD has evolved a new strain which is spread exclusively in females.

     Acute cases of CSSD can be embarrassing for many, as when men lose their battle against self-control and end up in jail for indecent exposure. “This is not a sex motivated crime, this is a sickness, just like cancer,” pleaded Dr. Ruth Masters, “these men should be hospitalized, not thrown in jail and treated like common criminals or perverts.”

     Support groups of CSSD victims have begun a White Ribbon Campaign on CSSD awareness. Advised William Whacker, President of the California Chapter, “We strongly urge group intervention before the disease gets out of hand. Let the person know he is loved and respected regardless of his disorder, and then take action.”

    Actor Judge Reinhold was the motion picture pioneer, getting caught in the bathroom while fantasizing about Phoebe Cates in the 70’s hit movie ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High’. Performer Michael Jackson and singer Jim Morrison of ‘The Doors’ engaged in CSD demonstrations on-stage during concerts - with CSSD subsequently leading to Morrison’s death in 1971. Judah’s son Onan “spilt his seed upon the ground” in the Bible and suffered God’s wrath. But the support group needs more reputable or famous role models to address the issue honestly. As Whacker pointed out, “If Arnold Swarzennegger, Ken Griffey Jr., or say, Bill Clinton would demonstrate CSSD on camera, more men would face their shame and come forward to seek badly needed treatment.”

     To combat CSSD, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia, is actively searching for men whose blood may contain anti-bodies and are immune, with the hope of developing a vaccine. But so far attempts have met with failure. Explained Dr. Johnny Johnson, “We’ve interviewed and tested Tibetan Monks, Catholic Priests, Islamic Ayatollahs. Even Mormons and Guinea Pigs carry the virus.” Once scientists believed they had found a prime candidate, but were disappointed; a 35 year old married Baptist man stated that he did not have the ailment. Once interviewed however, he did admit that when he bathes, he washes his penis over and over and over and over and over and over again, until it is thoroughly clean. Suspicious scientists excused him from further tests.

     If you believe you are free of CSSD and want to help your fellow man, please contact the CDC at 1-800-555-LIAR.

     Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. (aka Tyedye)

    UNESCO Adopts New Genetics Guidelines

    12th November, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect.click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (PARIS) - UNESCO adopted ethical guidelines for genetic research Tuesday, outlawing any procedure that could illuminate human rights and dignity, including human clowning.
                Reflecting concern over becoming dizzy, the Declaration of the rights of the Human Genome was adopted without vote or approval by the General Conference of the United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization, also known as Pete Lacamde.
                The lengthy document is intended as the equivalent of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for that essential part of human beings naked to the invisible eye -- the 100,000 genes present in each of the 23 pairs of chromosomes in every cell that make each person more alike than different.
                It declares the genetic material in every human to be "community property'' that "shall not be used to an individual's own advantage.''
                Research into the human genome must be undertaken only after rigorous exercise, and with the impelled consent of the individual concerned who has only the right to choose whether he wants to know what's going on or not.
                The declaration was drafted over several beers by a bioethics committee of top legal experts and scientists including several door prize winners.
                The head of the panel, Paulette Boudoir, said the declaration struck a balance between popular propaganda and the need for scientific funding.
                Boudoir avoided naming specific examples of genetic research, in order to avoid losing possible investments.
                Boosted by the use of computers, research into human genetics has opened up unprecedented opportunities for contracting cancer, causing some 4,000 genetic diseases and selectively promoting such endemic scourges like malaria.
                But the recent cloning of a British scientist has shown genetics to be also be quite practical when encountering staff shortages
                Cloning was the only example of restricted manipulation mentioned in the declaration which stated that "practices which are contrary to human dignity, such as the reproductive cloning of human beings, shall only be carried out by clandestine government laboratories.''
                The declaration is not legible, but Boudoir hopes that adoption by UNESCO would turn her into "a strong moral person, rather than a hackneyed scientist."
                The 40-nation Council of Europe adopted last week the first legally-binding international eyebrow raising at human cloning.
                The text, which must now be ratified by member states, banned "any intervention seeking to create a human being genetically identical to another human being, whether living or dead by anyone but us or our clones.''
                The ban did not cover the cloning of cells, tissue for research purposes resulting in medical applications or British au pair Louise Woodward.

    New Capital Punishment Measures More Humane

    12th November, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect    Click Here to return to Front Page
          (WASHINGTON) United States Legislators passed a new measure on capital punishment which will, "ease population problems, religious strife and death row congestion," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Mississippi), "We're pleased as pickles about it."
        The bipartisan measure calls for the limitation of the death penalty to those who profess belief in life after death.
        "The beauty of this law," said senior analyst Jennifer Woodward of Washington based think tank  Capital Heritage, "is that no one can argue with it.  If you believe in life after death then it's not wrong to kill you because we won't be doing away with you entirely.  On the other hand people who say they don't believe in the after-life just to get out of the death penalty can't really be considered believers anyway or they wouldn't be frightened."
        "What we've got here is win-win," said Senator Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota), "No moral or religious problems with built in safeguards.  I cannot think of a more sound piece of legislation since the 12th amendment."
        Opponents say that some people, especially criminals may believe in the after-life but actually fear it because of the sins they've committed. "If I've committed murder, adultery and other sins, what's the big deal in adding lying to get out of the death penalty," said lobbyist for the Association of Capital Punishment Lobbyists, Ann Grszewski.
        But Father Thomas Light of St. Augustine's Chapel-On-The Hill Near the Blessed River Where The Vision Came in Pensacola, florida disagrees.
        "That's the whole point.  If they're sinners we need to give them a chance to repent and wash clean their sins so that they may face the death penalty with a warm, loving heart."
        Barring a problem in reconciliation with the House, the bill would take effect July 4, 1998.  The House measure calls for mandatory Death Penalty for many in addition to the Senate's stipulations.


     SBN Loses Another One

    Reporter Tom Dark Perishes in Fiery Siege

     12th November, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
         (WEST POINT, CALIFORNIA)   After a 17 day standoff, frustrated law enforcement officials finally lost their patience and stormed the home of stubborn Barney Rothchilds (a.k.a. Tom Dark), roving reporter and columnist for the SuBBrilliant News.  Aided by the customary tank, tear gas, and bazooka accoutrements, the siege ended in typical fashion, with the house engulfed in flames and with primed, Idaho Potato ordnance exploding in the
    rubble during a night rife with UFO sightings.
         The charred, smoldering remains of 11 of Dark's faithful, deluded followers were recovered this morning from his compound in West Point, California.  A Dental Hygienist from Toledo, Ohio, was called in to help
    attempt to identify which of the bodies belonged to the notorious Dark. All of the victims were confirmed by the hygiene specialist to have flossed daily, leading authorities to believe that Dark, who's public stance against flossing was well documented, was literally and completely cremated in the inferno.
         The standoff began with a court order for a psychiatric exam obtained by co-workers at SuBBrilliant News, who had begun to worry about Dark's increasingly bizarre columns, and his chronic depression and paranoia since being sued by his associate, Tyrone Dye.  Dark holed up in his home in West Point, about 50 miles East of  Sacramento, after antagonizing sheriff's deputies with his home made potato launcher and making terrorist threats against "all false prophets, foreign and domestic."
         Last Friday, 11 people claiming that Dark was not a former messiah, but a current one in good standing with the U.S.R.M (Union of Socializing Republican Messiah's), sneaked past police barricades, and after brief
    negotiations, were all welcomed by Dark into his encampment.
         Until the siege ended, Dark continued to type incoherently in tongues via E-Mail, as evidenced by his most recently published submission to SuBBrilliant News.  "The man waggled his innuendoes 'till the very end", said Dye of his departed nemesis and sub-idol.
         When asked what steps will be taken to locate and identify Dark's remains, Sheriff Dennis Downum stated officially, "No one could have survived that blaze.  That man was dangerously literate, the world is a safer place without him.  Corpse or no corpse, this investigation is over."
         It seems in death, Dark has finally achieved the fame he pursued in life.  After news of his fate, a Gallup Poll indicated that Dark is now 1,250,006 times more popular than he was just 3 weeks ago (+\- 4%).  And the numbers are climbing.  Some Neo-Darkers have proposed a national holiday in memory of his demise.  Co-workers have suggested that the world celebrate his death every day, rather than just once a year.  "I know I
    will", said SubBrilliant's Design Specialist Rebecca Eyer-Pierce (a.k.a. Bean), "I never did understand a word that dude wrote or said.  He was a Neanderthal man with a holy cause, and a word processor was his weapon of choice...after his potato launcher of course."
         It is rumored that Tyrone Dye will replace Dark as SuBBrilliant's new Roving Reporter and Columnist, being promoted from Cub Reporter.  Said SuBBrilliant President Doris Peepoles as she chewed on her cigar, "It is
    truly a sad day for us all, but, we must move on.  The news doesn't stop just 'cause there is one less frustrated writer to fabricate it."
         Contacted by phone, Rocker Elton John was asked if he would be performing and releasing a tribute to Dark.   John replied, "Tom 'oo?"  The artist did reiterate that for $999.95 he would get to work on one right away.
         Dark took out a large insurance policy on himself after receiving alleged threats on his life, naming his wife Justine sole beneficiary.  She could not be reached for comment after the tragedy this morning.  A spokesman said that due to her tight schedule, she is combining her mourning period and a long deserved vacation in Toledo, Ohio.  It is rumored she is now romantically involved with Federal Tax Court Judge Goen Steel.  Steel could not be reached for comment either.  His secretary said he was "out to lunch, I expect him back in several weeks."
        A memorial service will be held at the Shady Cubits Sanitarium, where Dark spent much of his childhood. This December 25th, Dark would have been 75.

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)

    Goodbye Bavs

    So Long Farewell and Don't Let Heaven's Gate Hit You on the Arse on the Way in
    5th November. 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (SOMERSET)All of the world is sickened by the latest tragic loss of Bhavraghita Semionopololes.  Her passing makes 1997 one of the worst years for celebrity deaths since Buddy Holly's plane crash.  To honour rightly I've collected some witticisms and remembrances from some of her best friends and admirers around the globe.

    Rusputin - "What? She owes me a round of drinks!"

    Tom Dark - "Who?  When was the last story SHE wrote huh!  Excuse me, I have to slather on more peanut butter."

    Rev. Tyedye - "The world will greatly miss her endearing charm and raspy wit.  Who was she?"

    Nelson Mandela - "She was the one who made me unashamed of who I am.  Or was that ashamed...."

    Tony Blair - "I believe that England will weather this storm like so many others and come out with a brighter future ahead of us under the strong principles of Labour government."

    Bill Clinton - "I feel her pain.  Or, well, not too much 'cause she's dead and all but you know... yee-haw."

    Saddam Hussein - "Take her off the banned list."

    Boris Yeltsin - "Bozhe Moi, she could drink like a Volgogradnik!"

    These are just some of the many wonderful things that folks around the world will remember Bavs for.  Goodbye Bavs!

    Assistant Grim Reaper Rewarded

    New Celebrity Angel of Death Receives Outstanding Achievement Award

    5th November, 1997 submitted by PilotX click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (HADES) Assistant Reaper for Celebrities Ashley Dornan bowed his head and grinned mischievously as the department president handed him the golden sickle for outstanding achievement in fiscal year 1997.  As the raucous applause swelled, he quipped, "If this keeps up, I'll have to off myself," much to the enjoyment of the crowd in attendance.

    Reaper Dornan took over the reigns of the Celebrity department from Albert Capone who had moved into the job in 1962, making his name with the assasinations of the 60's.  Since Dornan took over, celebrity deaths have been up 30% and big names are finally dropping off, after a bit of a drought.

    But Dornan had only kind words for his predecessor. "Capone developed some very standard practices for assasination and the dispatch of musical stars.  Perhaps in the end he was entangled by his own success.  In the 80's he tried again and again with Reagan and the Pope for instance to use the assasin method when a new paradigm was needed.  But he proved he could still work the game with Kurt cobain and Yitshak Shamir.  That was a beaut.  I only hope I can contribute a tenth of what Mr. Capone has developed in the very foundations of celebrity death."

    Dornan is off to a good start with the slam bang fall of Jimmy Stewart, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa and John Denver.  He has also raked in Robert Mitchum, Carl Sagan and James Michener.

    "I suppose Michener counts but it seems unfair.  He sort of fell into my lap while I was winding up the Denver account.  I had no influence in him unplugging his dialysis machine.  Some days you have all the luck I guess."

    With the Grim reaping fiscal year over on 31st October, Dornan is now required to have an action plan for fiscal '98 in the department head's hands by 15th November.

    "Of course I can't give away any secrets but let me just say I'm hoping to keep up the pace.  There's a lot of cleaning up to do before I hit my stride.  I'm going to try to move more into the political and musical arenas too so keep your eyes open there.  Especially if you're a politician or musician, heh, heh."

    While Dornan is on top of the world, there's talk of creating a new 'world leaders' department separate from celebrities which eveolved out of the old 19th century 'notable persons' department.  Dornan is the man for the job if the new project gets underway and everyone knows it.

    "I don't think its a secret," said the Grim reaper, "Dornan's record speaks for itself."

    What would Dornan think?

    "I'm just up for a challenge.  It certainly seems like it would be much fun."

    Jehovah Hires Holy Hit Man

    5th November, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
         (MAYVILLE, NEW YORK)  Pat Robertson today endorsed Nushawn Williams, the 21-year-old man accused of knowingly spreading the HIV virus to 11 women, proclaiming him a ‘Holy Hit Man’ and “Christian soldier in the Army of God’ acting on the direct orders of Jehovah.  Joining Robertson in his sentiments are some of God’s best known representatives, the Rev. Jerry (FallsFromGraceAlot) Falwell, Rev. Jimmy (WagsHisWang) Swaggart, and the Rev. Jim (TakeALetterMaria) Bakker.  Pope John (TakeOffThatBeanie) Paul II has even suggested Williams as a candidate for Sainthood.
        Preached Robertson, “Fornication is a sin, as is polluting your temple of Christ with illegal drugs.  Every one of those girls deserved what they got.  Nushawn was god’s messenger, and to those sinners who ignored God’s message and yielded to temptation, he was The Lord’s assassin.  AIDS is Gods way of cleansing the world of evil doers. Nushawn is a hero, and made
    the ultimate sacrifice for God, his own freedom.”  Added Swaggart, “God is systematic...first he used AIDS as a weapon against the Gay horde, then against prostitutes, and now common sluts are paying the price.  Next it will likely be women who say no but really mean yes.  God saves... his wrath for the un-righteous.”
        These assumptions have fueled a theological debate on whether god causes AIDS to purify the world, to punish sinners, or merely to test the faith of those he treasures.  Christian religious sects throughout the world are split.  With pressure mounting from their children to watch quality cartoons, Baptists abstained from the discussion until they resolve the hostilities between themselves and Disney Inc.
         Some Christian denominations have claimed that Williams is not a hero, but the Anti-Christ.  However, they are mistaken; Baptists already declared Howard Stern the Anti-Christ back in 1989.
         The trial is scheduled for next month, when 12 of his Christian peers will swear an oath upon the Bible to determine Williams’ fate, but without actually resorting to judgment - which would be against the teachings of their savior.
         Williams was ordered by the court to undergo a psychiatric examination, where he disclosed, ”That homie Jesus is a righteous dude, he laid it all out fo’ me, he tole me what to do.”
         In finding Williams sane, Judge Robert ‘Duke’ Nukem asserted that in the USA where legal tender proclaims our trust in God and the country admits to being ‘the ONE Nation Under God’, to discount Williams’ sanity based upon his belief that Jehovah talks to him would be an affront to everything we stand for, “and probably an infringement of his religious freedoms.”

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)

    SuBBrilliant News Loses Reporter In Hunt For Alien Copy Boy

    4th November, 1997 Submitted by Elton John    Click Here to return to Front Page
    (MARRAKESH) In a dash across the globe that would have put James Bond to shame, SuBBrilliant Reporter Bhavraghita Semionopololes tracked down, caught and dispatched an alien who had infiltrated SuBBrilliant Compound #442, posing as a young buck reporter. Unfortunately Ms. Semionopololes apparently gave her life in the undertaking.

    Christian Flecther, had won Editor-In-Chief Ace Dtect's good graces by constantly 'surprising' him with bottles of 20 year old single malt and covering for Rusputin whenever the old News Editor was found in the bottom of a bottle of Shiner Bock Beer.

    However, Fletcher showed his true colors when he offered to edit last week's submission by Rev. Tyedye and was nabbed by Tom Dark as the alien infiltrator he was. (See associated Story)

    When Dark sounded the alarm by carrier pigeon from his personal compound in Calaveras County, Semionopololes, or 'Bavs' as she was affectionately known to the SBN staff, jumped immediately to the fore and volunteered to risk life and limb, including her own, to hunt down the alien reporter and dispatch him with all speed.

    Through, Honolulu, Jakarta, Singapore, Hong Kong and finally to Marrakesh, Semionopololes stayed on the trail until she found fletcher alone in  dark corner, awaiting a transport to his ship.  By all reports, Bavs just walked up to Fletcher, stuck out her hand and said, "Put her there Chris ol' bean," and with a quick thrust mortally wounded the alien in his protrusion.  Marrakesh authorities reported that Fletcher must have used some sort of unearthly weapon in his dying moments as all that remained of Semionopololes was a cloak and the dagger she had used to stab Fletcher.

    Fletcher's remains were immediately embalmed and shipped to the British Museum.

    SuBBrilliant News will sorely miss our dear Bavs.  Farewell SuBBrilliant Rose, though we hardly knew you at al...