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SuBBrilliant News Archives- December 1996 

Past Articles of SuBBrilliant News for the month of December, 1996  are collected here for your convenience.

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Subbbrrilliant News 12/31/96 Issue: Last?

Gridlock Prevents Entry Into New Year

(Washington, DC) The biggest challenge facing the new US congress is not speaker Gingrich's ethics, medicinal marihuana or even the budget. The congress is locked in a tight gridlock over whether to approve House Resolution 1307A and allow the US to enter the New Year. The gridlock may take up to 3 months to resolve putting the US entering 1997 with the Chinese.

Republicans and Democrats are wrangling over what conditions to put on the New Year Resolution and whether to allow ammendments for local pork barrell projects. "The American people are tired of the tax and spend method of rushing into every new year without holding on to past morals and looking backward," said Representative Bono. "We have to ask some hard questions. Is there any reason to enter a new year? What are the advantages to living in thepast? Should perhaps return to 1995 instead? These are issues the Democrats wish to avoid."

Economic analysts at the Heritage Foundation are calling on the privatization of Time. "We have asked the House Committee on Chronology to make the passage of time more efficient by putting it in the hands of the private sector. Both Boeing and Lockheed have made very impressive presentations of how they could cut at least 2 months off of every year, putting us in the 21st century well ahead of Japan," said senior advisor Geoffrey Monmouth.

Labour organiser Woody Dougson sees this as another way to concentrate power in the top. "The last thing we need is to give more control to the Chronological-industrial complex. If anything, we should return the control of time to the people who live in it."

Mayor Adolph Giuliani of New York City has said that his city would enter 1997 even if it meant leaving the rest of the US behind. California Governor Pete Wilson stated that if New York entered the next year, so would California. This gap in the Federal Chronological Leadership could leave different parts of the US entering 1997 at different times.

"We're looking at a situation where New York, LA and Chicago could be starting spring while the Great Plains are just getting through January," said Time Specialist Andrea Koszcinski.

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Subbrilliant News 12/27/96 Issue: Paper

Forgotten Child to Sue Santa

Jeremy Anderson of Latrobe, Pennsylvania is bringing Santa to court over the lack of presents under his tree Christmas morning. "My client was not naughty this past Chriscal Year," said Anderson's lawyer, Honda P. Stogg. "Mr. Clause himself has admitted this."

"I don't know how I missed him," said Santa Clause in a midday press conference yesterday. "Although I always have trouble in Latrobe because so many kids think its fun to leave Santa a Rolling Rock."

Anderson is sueing for restitution of presents and damages suffered by humiliation in front of peers and colleagues in the local kindergarten and the widely spread rumour that Anderson was "naughty."

"Mr. Clause had an implied contract with my client which Mr. Clause failed to fulfill," said Stogg. Proceedings are set to begin 1/6/97 after the 12th day of Christmas when Clause will be freed up before the busy season regains ground in March. Some experts suggest that next year's Christmas might be lacking because of the time and money the Clause outfit will have to pour into their defense.

"The trial could conceivably drag on for over 6 months. This could put a serious pressure on the Christmas preparations of Santa. We could be looking at a toy crisis that hasn't happened since the Nazis tried to turn the North Pole into a puppet state," said Senior Economic Advisor on the North Pole Timothy Grenge.

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Subbrilliant News 12/24/96 Issue: Havin' Yourself a Harpy Holyday

Handy Holiday Help From the SBN Staff

(Austin, TX) Wondering what to do with your holiday this year. Friends ignoring you? Relatives on your nerves? Why not commit Suicide? Relieve yourself of the horrible pressure of holiday stress with the short holiday pack brought to you in association with Dr. Jack Vorkanik.

"Not only are your suicidal tendencies not likely to be noticed during the uproar of the holidays but the suicide note is much easier to write with the excuse of the season," says Vorkanik.

Vorkanik has prepared a holiday sampler pack which includes a lethal injection, fine note parchment, a solid sterling silver pen, smoked sausage link and final cigarette, all lavishly displayed in a box of genuine imitation corinthian leather.

If not for yourself, consider your loved ones and give the gift of death this Christmas. The best for the season from SBN.

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SUbbrIIllliant News 12/22/96 Issue: RL

President Grants Federal Aid to Microsoft

(Washington,DC) President Clinton announced an emergency grant today to help the recently demolished Microsoft Corporation. In an effort to help the software giant recover from a recent nuclear blast, $800 billion in federal bullion will be put under the stewardship of Chairman Bill Gates.

Clinton circumvented the normal legislative procedure for the allocation of funds, and came very close to impeachment. When the members of congress met to vote, however, almost all congressmen voted against the impeachment, including those who had most vehemently called for Clinton's head during floor debate. One congressman who wished to remain anonymous told SBN, "Hell, I've never used that damn voting machine, anyway. Maybe I really did vote against." Hours after the vote all congresspeople left capital hill "for a few drinks" according to all 539 of their secretaries. SBN has been unable to obtain comments from any congresspeople since the vote.

President Clinton, however, made himself accesible all day by telephone, television, radio, fax and the world wide web, discussing his plans for Microsoft and the nation. "I commend the actions Chairman Gates and Microsoft are taking today." The president stated during a live web conference at www.microsoft.com with Chairman Gates. "Aren't those computers just the darndest things?"

Gates, today at his temporary corporate headquarters in the Executive Office Building next door to the White House, unveiled prototypes of cybernetic politicians, designed to replace clunky, outdated models. Called "Senator 2.0" and "Representative 2.0," respectively, these "Cyber-Congressmen" reportedly operate with a two hundred percent increase of efficiency, and will save the country over one hundred billion dollars annually in congressional "perks".

"Hell, we spend half that every year on drinks for those guys." The president said, himself sipping from a silicon-smelling dark cocktail. Political Analysts began the day speculating wildly about the origin of the unusual alliance between The President and Chairman Gates. All have failed to return phone calls.

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Deadly Virus Fools Even Doctors

(Bethesday,Maryland) "First I thought I had it, then I didn't and now I don't know what to think. I'm losing faith in my Hypocritic...I mean hippocratic oath," said Doctor Adam Sapple, a high ranking government Doctor at the Institute for Advanced Virus Proliferation. A new strain of virus known as N-Cognito or "The rock 'em sock 'em virus" has been uncovered here and is causing quite a stir in the Biotechnology field.

The virus, according to Dr. Sapple, produces a wide variety of "sneaky" symptoms, including, headache, nausea, fatigue, dry mouth, little unexplainable twitches in your leg, a craving for Bon Bons and generalized aches and pains.

"Any, all or none of these symptoms may be present and then one day, you turn blue blow up like a dirigible and explode. Well not literally. The truth is actually more nasty. Bits of you start leaking out all over the place," said Dr. Sapple.

If the above desription matches your own symptoms or those of someone you love, the IAVP requests that you have the police tie them up up in a plastic bag and have them carted out in the middle of the night and taken away somewhere you won't know about it.

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Subbrilliant Nose as of 12/19/96 Issue Without

Microsoft Kaput? 

(Redmond, Washington) What was once a bustling compound of computing knwon as the "Microsoft Campus.", is now a smoking, radioactive scar on an otherwise beautiful landscape. Only a few handfuls of glowing ash remain of the corporate giant. In a brief, but deadly assault, yesterday, the counter-culture terrorist organization DLL.Org (Desktop Liberation League) utterly destroyed the multi-million dollar corporation's headquarters outside of Seattle with no known motive.

The attack killed over twenty thousand men, women and programmers, and left the once quiet community of Redmond in a permanent state of shock. Defense Department Intelligence is "Still looking" for the terrorists according to General Lance Tepid. "We have located a small group of reclusive, twenty-something hackers who fit the profile exactly," Tepid proudly announced at today's briefing. "But our Internet Explorer can't load their Web Page."

Despite the devastation, Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft, survived the attack hiding away in a secret, concrete bunker, miles below the surface of the Earth. He and his girlfriend Eve Brown were the only two survivors of what pundits now call 'The Massacre at Microsoft.'

"I'm just glad he didn't go through vith his silly idea of going above gwound and actually talking to his employees," remarked Ms. Brown. Only hours after the slaughter, Mr. Gates got back to the hard work of rebuilding an empire.

"Microsoft cannot be stopped, Microsoft will never be stopped," he chanted, from the voicebox in his protective suit as he surveyed the damage this morning, "If you've read my book, 'My Struggle Ahead' you would know how determined I am to take this company into the twenty-first Reich. Stop. Century. Now more than ever. Eiich!"

But after the annihilation of his Polis, and the massacre of his army of loyal, young programmers, nothing seems certain. The blast occured just days before the release of Microsoft's eagerly awaited new Windows operating system, expected to make all other software obsolete.

"Windows Final Solution," would reportedly line up all non-Microsoft applications and remove them from the user's desktop, by force if necessary. Some industry analysts questioned the fate of these applications, but in a recent press conference, Gates assured the public that these "auslander" applications were "unfit for the American desktop," and would be concentrated in compressed files on a CD-ROM to be taken "elsewhere." The industry analysts have also been taken elsewhere.

Now that dream of desktop purity seems unlikely as Gates tries to pick up the pieces of his shattered kingdom. Subbrilliant News will keep you informed of ongoing developments at this website as more information becomes available.

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Subbrilliant Nose as of 12/17/96 Issue Ish or Issue ain't my Baybee 

Terrorists Nuke Microsoft

(Seattle, Washington) Authorities are still investigating what some have called "the worst catastrophe of the nuclear age". Residents near Seattle awoke this morning to the blinding flash and deafening shockwave of an apparent nuclear explosion. Sources indicate that one or more members of the counter-culture terrorist group known as "The Desktop Liberation League Organization", or "DLL.Org", somehow hacked into the US Defense Department and seized control of a Sub-Orbital Nuclear Weapons Platform.

The terrorists then launched a nuclear missile directly at the Microsoft Corporation's Redmond, Washington campus. Pentagon officials are baffled by exactly how the DLL was able to arm and then launch the nuclear warhead. The Defense Department has for some time assured the American public that such a disaster, as happened this morning, could never happen and are still assuring the public of such a case even in the face of contrary evidence.

When asked to comment, Gen. Lance Tepid, of the Pentagon, replied that the DLL had somehow acquired the "secret word", which unfortunately was 'secret word' but quickly added, "Not to worry," the secret word "has been changed."

It is unclear at this time exactly how many people are injured or dead. The surgical strike damaged a surprisingly small area. Most of the Seattle area survived the blast, but the Microsoft campus appears to be completely destroyed. Authorities suspect the weapon was a formerly top secret faulty code seeking missle. Red Cross estimates as many as twenty thousand casualties, although it may be days before a solid figure can be determined. What we may never know is why this horrible tragedy occurred. After the initial message from the DLL, claiming responsibility for this act, there has been no word as to their possible motives.

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Subbrilliant Noose as of 12/15/96 Issue: Soft inner 

Acceptable DNA Combinations Exhausted Says God 

(Heaven, Heaven) "We're left with only the possibility of creating crazy people or duplicates," said God in his regular morning media conference. A new study from the Heavenly Biological Commision shows that acceptable unique DNA combinations are running out.

While there are almost an infinite number of ways to compose the basic building block of life, according to God, there are only a finite number of ways to build sane, intelligent humans.

"I've already had to skimp," said God, "Anyone can see the number of psychos and idiots has increased. Well, yes a certain number of them is important for schemes of stochastic Population control and indirect divine retribution but its getting out of hand. I've even had to slip some duplicates in here and there and I'm not very happy about the 'Separated at Birth' series of books which points out the problem."

The HBC is working hand in hand with the Divine Ministry of Retribution on the possibility of mass plagues or destructions to alleviate the problem. In addition the Council on Unique Historical Figures is examining easing the rules on never duplicating major historical figures such as Plato, Napoleon or even Hitler. "Let's be reasonable," said Saint Martin of the Divine Gourd, head of the CUHF, "Environment has a lot to do with it. If we use, say Attila the Hun's jeans again, put him in the US, he'd probably just end up being an American Football player."

Not Much Happened In Crime Ridden City Block 

(Chicago, Illinois) The corner store, usually a site of more drug dealing than grocery shopping contains only one elderly lady buying a cabbage head. Around the corner where every morning, one can find the discarded needles of the previous night's users a man is sweeping leaves. The sad state of this crime ridden city block is due to one thing and one thing only says long-time resident Moburn Browner. "Killing. PLain honest killing."

About a month ago, a collection of senior citizens known as the Golden Rough Riders, purchased guns and began indiscriminately shooting everyone under 35. "We would have liked to shoot some yuppies," said Browner's wife Gledna, "but the aren't any around here."

The population of the tiny neighborhood has been cut in half and the population under 35 is 1%. "We occasionally have some stragglers from other neighborhoods but we just shoot them quick and everything stays O.K.," Browner said with a smile.

"It's a model of community action. There's a lot of tough areas in Chicago that could take a lesson from the Browners and their organization. We're planning on featuring them in our precinct newsletter," said local officer Ben Thead. The New York Police Department has also asked the Browners to come instruct neighborhood watch programs in the Big Apple.

We're just glad we could help," beams Mrs. Browner.

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SUbbrilliant Nooeesss as of 12/12/96 Issue: We now have the correct year. 

USA Promised Land For Alien Race 

(London)Scientists at the Very Secret MIIX labs behind the McDonalds near the British Museum are working 'round the clock to save Earth. The problem: What will happen if an alien race which values asphalt more than anything else realizes that on our world the streets are paved with the stuff.

William Falldonalot, chief scientist remarked, "We have to have a distinct plan of action in this eventuality. Sure, many are laughing and saying the aliens will never notice our little paved planet, but if they do we've got to be prepared. Like Churchill in the morning before his elevenses."

Assistant Nigel Wankill is in charge of predicting possible landing sites. "well obviously they're going to be attracted, you see, to the autobahns of Germany here, or, you see the American Interstate System, you see, We think Britain's fairly low, you see, the M1's just too congested."

Scientists are facing almost insurmountable odds in devising the plan, however there's one bright spot. To date, no one has heard of any alien races which value asphalt or even concrete or tar. So we can rest easy in our gutters tonight.

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SuBBrilliant Nooooewwss as of 12/10/97* Issuuue Bless Me

*We didn't know what we were doing or where we were when we wrote this. 

Wandering Pheasants Becoming a problem in Small Midwestern Towns. 

(Greenville,IL) Like many villages across the midwest, this sleepy almost comatose community has been hit hard by packs of wandering pheasants who make no scruple in flaunting small town values.

"The worst is when the children have to see it," said local grocery shopper Perry Rockmeisterschnauzenholz. "When I was young you only heard stories about Pheasants or saw them in R rated movies that you had to sneak into by paying off your older brothers best friend who worked the desk."

Local community officials are sitting idly buy and plan to do nothing about the problem. "We're to busy trying to keep kids from sneaking into R-rated movie theatres," said Mayor Kelly Ireland. Meanwhile the pheasants are turning the town on its head by wearing t-shirts that proudly proclaim, "I voted for Bill Clinton," and "I support the UN," telling passers by, "I don't mind if you smoke," not complaining about the government and generally causing moral upheaval.

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"It Could Happen To You," Claims Imelda Wilson 

(Las Cruces, NM) A mild accountant from this only occaisonally noisy southwestern hamlet woke up yesterday morning, realizing that she could not remember any of the things she had eaten the day previously. Miss Wilson did not report anything out of the ordinary in her usual nighttime routine of eating three small pieces of herring and washing them down with a glass of watered down listerine and bourbon. ("It keeps my pipes clean," she explained.)

Doctors report nothing unusual in Ms. Wilson's physical or psychological condition except the usual high alcoholism and mani depression associated with her depression. "Otherwise she's fit as a fiddle and should normally have no problem remembering what she eats," said her personal physician Mary Mary.

The only clue Ms. Wilson has to her previous meals was an empty box in her wastebasket that smelled distinctly of Pheasant and a soiled spork which analysts have determined was soaked in, "some kind of sauce."

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