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SuBBrilliant News Archives- April 1998

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Staff Reporter Pummels Bunny

Lurkette Dents Children's Icon

Wed, 1 Apr 1998 09:09:55 GMT Story from Arizona Daily Monitor / Lurkette 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

TUCSON, 1-APR-1998 (ADM)Tuesday's disturbance at El Grande Dumpo Mall has apparently sparked more than a passing interest among area mothers. The Easter Bunny line, normally a small, quiet group of mom's and children, has become a whopping 1/4 mile long tangle of crazed, body pierced and tattooed Mama's waiting for a chance to be fondled by the Mall's notorious Easter Bunny.

It began Tuesday, when SuBrilliant News Darling, the Beautiful and Talented Lurkette, innocently stepped onto the Easter Bunny platform to share a moment and a photo with her favorite little friend. During the photo, and to Lurkette's outraged surprise, the Filthy Creature put his white furry paw on her bottom and squeezed.

Witnesses say they were unaware of any problem until the Shrieking Lurkette whisked the child off  Bunny's lap and  proceeded to pummel his enormous molded head  in front of a growing crowd of cheering shoppers and mortified children.

The dizzy and noticably dented Bunny was eventually allowed to resume his Easter Visits. After the famous photo of Lurkette boxing the Easter Bunny's ears was picked up by the Associated Press, both have been invited to appear on Geraldo Rivera's newly "serious" television show. In the meantime, Bunny, who said he has no plans to have his dent's repaired, is enjoying his new-found fame by 'visiting' area women and 'helping them with their Easter Bonnets'. 

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Easter Bunny Arrested

Judge Orders Rabbit Euthanized

Sat, 4 Apr 1998 09:01:53 GMT Story from SBN / Lurkette 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

TUCSON 4-APR-1998 (SBN) Arizona's famous rebellious rodent was arrested early today after ignoring police orders to stay away from/have no contact with resident B. T. Lurkette.  A summary pound judge has ordered Bunny euthanized for "his own protection and the protection of others.

Bunny's over-large head remains noticably damaged after being beaten by Lurkette during a melee that broke out after Bunny allegedly fondled her during a photo session Tuesday at El Grande Mall.

Officials responded to Lurkette's complaints of receiving numerous telephone calls where "he doesn't say A Thing, I just hear a heavy thumping." Lurkette also reported finding half-eaten carrots and baskets of jellybeans "with all the icky white and black ones removed", on her front steps.

On investigating the surrounding desert, police found Bunny hiding in a nearby briar patch andAnimal Control Officers cuffed, tagged and led him away. He waved and bobbed his enormous dented head at photographers before being loaded into the truck for transport to the Pound where Judge T. S. Dark declared Bunny "a public menace," and ordered euthanization. Area school children have responded by starting a Save Easter Campaign.

International attention to the incident has attracted O.J. Simpson attorney Robert  Shapiro, who has offered to defend the Easter Bunny if enough money is raised by the schoolchildren to pay for his services. While all branches of Tucson's BankOn! will accept donations for Mr. Bunny's defense, they will also be accepted at tonite's scheduled candlelight vigil, County Pound, 8 pm.

The National Organization for Women has refused to issue a statement on the issue except to say they "supported B. T. Lurkette."

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Dead Demand Minority Rights

Supreme Court to Hear Discrimination Case

Sat,  4 Apr. 1998 09:17:58 GMT Story from SBN / Pilot X 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 4-APR-1998 (SBN)   The United States Supreme Court has agreed to rule in a the case of St. Lawrence Cemetery vs. the Living.  The class action suit claims that since the total number of living humans on Earth outnumbers the total number of people who have lived and died, the dead should receive minority considerations.

Ralph Reese of Law for the Living, a Washington think tank, claims the suit is absurd and should be thrown out of court.

"Dead people should not receive 'special' rights.  As time passes, none of us changes our race but we all die.  It's just a matter of our subjective perception on the space-time continuum."

"That's just the point," says John Denver, spokesperson for the dead, "This is not a choice.  It is a biological imperative.  We need legal protection."

The class action suit sites numerous examples of prejudice against the dead, including many horror movies where the dead are painted in an unflattering light and the excavating and exhuming of burial sites to build more, "palaces for the decadent living."

"We're not all killer zombies.  That's a bad stereotype," said Denver.

The Union for National Deceased Equality And Development has planned a march on Washington for July 5. 

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Arts Group Revolutionizes Renaissance Interpretation

Wed, 8 Apr 1998 14:29:15 GMT Story from SBN / Bluedog! 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

VATICAN CITY 8-APR-1998 (SBN) -A Friday morning crafters group touring one of Italy's greatest art treasures, the Sistine Chapel, today declared it “a big let-down,” and “a rip-off,” setting off a massive reinterpretation of the works of Michelangelo.  One art critic said the new critique was "brilliant" and could revolutionize the view of Renaissance art.

The seniors’ craft group, which hails from Mason City, Iowa, specializes in decoupage, the art of cutting out pictures from magazines and gluing them onto objects, which are then covered with lacquer.

“In the brochures, the ceiling looked like a big collage,” said Mrs. Betty Henderson, a group member. “We were really looking forward to seeing how it was pieced together,” echoed her friend, Mrs. Estelle Bowers. “When we found out it was all hand painted, the whole group was very disappointed.

You'd think they would tell you this type of thing ahead of time.  I have a nephew who works at the Art Institute in Chicago and I'm going to call him and get to the bottom of this!”

The Art Institute acknowledged receiving the critique and said it was considering it for publication and advancing honorary doctorates in Art Interpretation to the entire Mason City group.

Italian officials didn't  know what to make of the groups complaints, but offered the crafters free postcards, which calmed them down.

“I know just how I'm going to cut this one up,” one lady was overheard to say, holding up a picture of Michaelangelo’s famous “David” sculpture, while reboarding the tour bus.

In spite of the disappointment, the tour group leader, Mrs. Libby Baxter, tried to put a bright face on the situation.

“We'll be touring the Louvre Museum in Paris in two days, and I know a lot of us are looking forward to seeing how Monet glued all those little bits of paper together to make his beautiful Impressionist pictures of gardens and irises,” she said. “Just seeing that will make the whole trip worthwhile.”

Several other group members on the bus agreed wholeheartedly. “I've admired his “Water lilies” collages all my life,” said one. “Seeing them in person will be a dream come true.” Louvre officials were notified of the group's impending arrival. They will be scheduling a special seminar at which Libby Baxter will answer French Critics questions on behalf of the group.Some information in this article provided by Ace Dtect

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Hillary to Become Undetectable

First Lady to Convert to 'Dark Matter' for the Remainder of Husband's Term

Thu, 9 Apr 1998 18:16:57 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, 9-APR-1998 (SBN) Hillary Clinton announced today she would be converting herself into dark matter for the remainder of her husband's term.

"The beating my husband and I have taken in the Congress and the press have caused untold amounts of stress and legal expenses.  I will convert myself to dark matter for the remainder of my husband's term to preserve both our famil and the American way of life," said Hillary in a press conference outside the Fermi National Accelerator where the procedure will take place.

Kenneth star was quick to comment. "Just because the First Lady will no longer radiate light or heat and become virtually undetectable to all known instruments of modern physics does not make her exempt from the laws of the United States of America.  I will get to the bottom of this."

Political pundits dissected the First Lady's move calling it an "extreme measure" and "an executive first."

NPR's Daniel Schorr was quick to point out that this is not the first time a government figure has physically transformed themselves to shore up support.  Schorr reminded listeners on his weekly NPR column that Grover Cleveland was irradiated to prevent spoilage for the four years between his two separate terms and that eleanor Roosevelt passed FDR through a singularity process in 1939 to give her husband a few more years to get through the war.

However, this is the first attempt at deflecting a legal investigation through the use of astrophysics.  Scientists and Sociologists will gather next Friday to watch as the First Lady as accelerated to near light speeds and bombarded with free electrons in an attempt to convert her to galactic dark matter. 

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CDC Issues TVSS Warning

NIMH Lists Signs to Watch Out For

Tue, 14 Apr 1998 05:34:02 GMT Story from SBN / Lurkette  
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

 WASHINGTON, 14-APR-1998 (SBN) - The Centers For Disease Control today issued a Warning that a lack of TV sports can cause major stress in 3 out of every 4 American men. With more and more men being diagnosed with TV Sports Syndrome (TVSS),  the only disease more prevalent this time of year than Chicken Pox, American women are finding it harder and harder to cope.

TVSS affects men who suddenly realize football and basketball seasons are over, and TV baseball season has barely begun. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) reports TVSS males suffering from TV Withdrawal may show the following symptoms:

  1. A sudden interest in their wives whereabouts
  2. Attempts to suffocate the woman in a bizarre attempts to overcompensate for ignoring the her throughout the months of August through March
  3. Sudden notice of major changes in his environment (while he was engrossed in television sports) causing hostile reactions.
Clinical research on TVSS involved 111 long-suffering females who were interviewed during the TVSS Epidemic which began April 1. Researcher Donald Hidemann said most of the women suffered severe stress from  clinging TVSS males following them around constantly, asking "whatcha doin'?."

The female test subjects reported subjection to insincere flattery - such as "have you done something to your hair?", "have you been working out?" or "did you get a new outfit?"

In most cases TVSS behaviour was exhibited immediately after March Madness ended. Because the affected women become unaccustomed to any sort of attention from their TV viewing mates, tense moments are common.

Women report more cases of telling their husbands that the 'strange man' in the bathroom (bedroom, kitchen) is there to fix "the plumbing" the "cracks in the ceiling", or "that too hot burner" . All of the women recommended using the phrase, "I told you all about him. You never listen to me."

Although there is no known cure for TVSS, doctors reported that most cases subside significantly once baseball season gets into full swing. 

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Global Warming Cause Determined

NSF Solution Could Eliminate Problem by 2020

Wed, 15 Apr 1998 20:40:51 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect  
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WHEELING, WV, 15-APR-1998 (SBN) Scientists from the National Science Foundation issued a paper today announcing the discovery that 'primate exhalation of CO2' causes global warming.  The NSF reccomends the elimination of 40% of all sources of CO2 exhalation by the year 2005, to end global warming by 2020.

Dr. Placido Cole spoke to reporters at a press conference held in Wheeling West Virginia Wednesday afternoon.

"We are encouraged by our findings.  We now have a specific cause and many ways of reducing carbon-dioxide emissions that are harmful to our planet.  We have brought hope to the world on this problematic issue for the first time. Our future is no longer threatened."

Dr. Cole said the government was working closely with the NSF to arrange a specific plan, but the broader goals had been agreed upon.

The NSF and the Group of 10 economic powers hope to achieve the following goals as outlined in Dr. Cole's article:

    1. Reduce primate source emissions in all sub-equatorial countries in a graded level of 10% per year beginning in 2001.
    2. Begin a mass propoganda and sterilization campaign in 90% of CO2 emission source countries starting in 2000.
    3. Reduce emission source propogation resources by 70% in Middle Asia, South America and Utah.
Dr. Cole, NSF leader Dr. Henrietta Kraychovsky and several members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff will work together to provide NATO with the necessary tactical and strategic data to carry out the Global Warming Elimination Solution in the 2000. 
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Cousteau's Diving Passion

Diary Reveals 'The Other' Jean-Jacque

Thu, 16 Apr 1998 12:05:32 GMT Story from SBN / Bluedog!  
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

MARSEILLES, 16-APR-1998 (SBN) - New information from the private diary of famed undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau indicates that Mr. Cousteau entertained a passionate interest in muff-diving, engaging in the practice on many occasions throughout the years.

Recently translated from the original French, the information comes from Mr. Henri Arnaud, a biographer working on a book about the life of Mr. Cousteau, known to millions from his many television documentaries about undersea exploration.

“Apparently, this was a life-long avocation of his,” said Mr. Arnaud in an interview last week. “He appears to have had a girl in almost every port in the Mediterranean and the Carribean seas, from what I can tell.”

A crew member, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed Mr. Arnaud’s depiction of Cousteau’s off-duty exploits.

“Oui, oui. On many evenings, he would jump from the deck of the Calypso as soon as we had her tied to the dock. He would head into town, and often wouldn’t return until the sun was coming up. You could tell from his face that he had been up all night.”

Cousteau’s haggard features and French drawl were a part of his world-renowned persona. His love of seafood was also legendary, and he was capable of downing great helpings of clams and fish at a sitting. But his long hours both on and off the job kept him thin as a rail.

“One time I remember him going off with two women on a Friday evening,” recounted the crew member. “He didn’t return until Sunday night, and he smelled like a chum bucket. I think that was all he had had to eat all weekend. We finally threw him into the lagoon to wash the smell off.”

“It’s really a sad tale,” says Arnaud. “His two loves were diving and seafood.  I guess he couldn’t get away from it even after he quit work for the day. I think, in the end, it may have just worn him out.”

Mr. Arnaud’s book is due to hit bookstores this Fall. 

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Sony To Bring Back LP's

New Technology Employs Bi-Fi.

Fri, 17 Apr 1998 13:21:05 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

TOKYO, 27-APR-1998 (SBN) Japanese Hi-Fi giant Sony announced Friday morning a change of direction away from CD's towards long playing records.  The press conference held simultaneously in Tokyo and Los Angeles featured the company's prototype of the new generation of LP players dubbed the 'turntletable'.

"In an effort to support environmentalism, feminism, vinyl records and high profits we have integrated the soundness and tradition of snapping turtles with the hi-fi technical expertise of Sony to produce the sound system of the 21st Century," said Sony spokesman, Ikaro Humboldt.

The new 'turntletable' places a snapping turtle named Leon with a diamond stylus at the end of a cretaceous limestone tone arm.  A laser guided delivery system tracks Leon across the record providing perfect pitch and ability to overcome defects in the vinyl.

The true ingenuity of the device comes in the way the turtle's shell is used to provide better than dolby noise reduction giving near digital quality to the sound while retaining the depth of feeling in an analog medium. The process is called 'Bioelectric Fidelity' or Bi-Fi.

Sony will test market the 'truntletables' in select cities beginning in May.  The machines will retail at $3,000 which includes spare stylus and implant surgery kits as well as a years supply of turtle food.

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Stalking The Wild Lurkette

Kenneth Starr Arrested After Serving Subpoenis

Prosecutor Denies Bad Intent

Tue, 21 Apr. 1998 16:19:18 GMT Story from SBN / Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, DC, 21-APR-1998 (SBN)  Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr was arrested for sexual battery during a daring midnight raid at the PayNlay Motel, after police received a phone tip from an un-named source with a southern drawl.

At the time of his arrest, reports allege that Starr was wearing only rubber crotchless panties and a pair of mis-matched socks. A middle aged legal aide described as, 'Hillary Rodham-Clinton-like in appearance' was found kneeling in front of Starr, as he pursued the task of stroking the Special Task Force Head. The aide is reported to have been smiling adoringly at her mentor while humming “Hail to the Chief.”

The victim’s identity will remain a secret to protect her privacy and to provoke the public’s curiosity before she publishes her soon to be released best selling book. Her publicist did quote her in this morning’s press conference as saying, “Kenny threatened me with his Subpoenis if I didn’t cooperate.” In a civil lawsuit to be filed several years from now, she will be claiming gross sexual harassment and public humiliation.

Starr insisted that it was all just an “innocent serenade.” “It was simply a simulation, a re-creation to aid me in uncovering clues to this big case I am working on. I was framed by enemies conspiring with members of the Democratic Party to impeach my credibility.”

 The Washington Hotel was targeted by police after the mysterious phone tipster informed them that movie stars Eddie Murphy and Charlie Sheen, Senator Ted Kennedy and the Reverend Jimmy Swaggart were attending an orgy hosted by actor Hugh Grant and a gaggle of mascara laden transsexual prostitutes.

 The ATF was called in to assist the local police, and after going room to room kicking in doors and dispersing tear gas, they arrived at room 222 where they discovered Starr in a fetal position, crying like a baby. Starr was wounded in his privy member amidst a hail of gunfire when officers initially believed he was pointing a high caliber handgun at them.

Starr was flown by helicopter to Bethesda, Maryland, where he remains under close guard until he recuperates from reconstructive surgery, after which he will be booked into the city jail.

President Clinton has asked Attorney General Janet Reno to appoint a Special Prosecutor to investigate the Special Prosecutor.

Grant, Murphy, Sheen, Kennedy and Swaggart were later determined to be nowhere near Washington, DC. or the PayNlay Motel. 

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New Evidence Shows Conspiracy to Kill Jesus Christ

Journal Found Near Caterer's Scrolls

Wed, 22 Apr. 1998 01:36:01 GMT Story from SBN /Mike Terrell. 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

MEVO BETTAR, ISRAEL, 22-APR-1998 (SBN)  In the most astounding discovery since the Dead Sea Scrolls, scientists have uncovered written journals and evidence that point toward a deep-seeded, hierarchy of conspiracy regarding the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.  The journals were found at the same site as the famous  'caterer's scrolls'

"Everybody wants to blame Pontius Pilate or Judas Iscariot," Professor James Hinn said at a press conference, "but now we finally know the truth. They were mere patsies in the whole scheme,"

The journals were written anonymously, but went on to describe the conspiracy in great detail, naming Paul and John the Baptist as "the partial brains behindeth the whole operation".

 "Yea, verily, Judas was set-upeth from the beginning, with a mere thirty pieces of silver," the passage describes. "Dost thou thinkest that people just hang themselves? Don'test thou let thine eyes deceive thee. How did Judas obtaineth shoe laces when, in fact, he weareth sandals?"

 The journal goes on to tell of how Paul "continued to deny any and all knowledge of Jesus thrice after that." This is backed up in the New Testament in all 4 gospels. "Dost thou thinketh ist a coincidence? I thinketh not, nor shouldst thou."

 But, expectedly, many scholars are skeptical of the new-found evidence.

"It's complete bull-hockey," Reverend Johnathan Bell of Dallas, Texas, said. "There was no conspiracy. Many witnesses back up the story that there was just one lone kisser."

 "And he just happens to wind up dead. . . how convenient," Professor Hinn retorted, who has long been a champion of the "second kisser near the burning bush" theory.

 But there's more to it than that. Included in the journal are several drawings, since dubbed "The Zapruder Drawings", that depict John the Baptist attempting to drown Jesus in the Jordan River.

 "In my drawings, thou can seeist how Jesus' head moveth back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left." But how did Jesus survive the ordeal? The journal can only speculate. But we do know from the New Testament that John the Baptist was later beheaded by King Herod. The journal doesn't think that's a coincidence either.

 "Because John couldn't handle the situation effectively, Herod decided to snuffeth out John," the passage reads. "Dost thou not seeeth? Herod was behindeth it from the beginning!"

 Obviously, this new evidence will join such relics as the Turin Shroud in a tug-of-war of skepticism and acceptance for years to come. But Hollywood is quick to jump on the bandwagon and Oliver Stone has just signed on to direct "JHC: The Conspiracy to Kill Jesus H. Christ." 

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Python Chokes on Two Year Old

Police Investigating but No Charges Pressed

Sub, 26 Apr. 1998 14:27:31 GMT Story from SBN / Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

SHEEP RANCH, CA, 26-APR-1998 (SBN)It was news that shocked the local community. One minute 2 year old Toby Reynolds was playing with Loki, his 18’ pet Burmese Python, and the next he was ignoring his Mother’s calls for him to come to supper. After an intense search, she discovered Loki choking on the little boy.

Firefighter/EMT Tim Bowman, also an amateur Herpetologist, directed seven fellow rescuers into the proper positions and successfully performed a scaled-up version of the Heimlich Maneuver on Loki. Toby’s relieved parents watched as their beloved pet puked up the mischievous little boy and resumed its normal breathing.

Doctor John Sisk, a Naturalist and Professor of Veterinary Sciences at the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School said, “You can’t blame the snake for defending itself from prodding toddlers. Pythons are prodigious vegetarians, and do not attack unless provoked.”

Some neighbors were outraged that something as small as Toby was left on the floor for the snake to play with and possibly asphyxiate on. Other neighbors suspect foul play. “I know for a fact that snake was envious of Toby and hated him with a passion,” said family friend Johnny Barnstorm, “you could see it in his eyes.”

The case is still under investigation as authorities continue looking for a possible motive. No charges will be filed against Loki. “If we cannot prove any malice aforethought, it will be difficult to claim the snake had any illegal intentions”, lectured District Attorney Peter Smith, “but I have forwarded this case to County Animal Control to determine if Loki’s owners might have been negligent in their care of the amiable reptile. 

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