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SuBBrilliant News Archives- May 1997 

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    Violence Hits Jakarta on Last Day of Campaign

    May 25, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect click here to return to Front Page

    (JAKARTA, Indonesia)In a last bid for electoral support Violence arrived in south Jakarta on Friday, the final day of campaigning for Indonesia's general elections. 

    Witnesses said police fired tear gas and rubber bullets at Violence but he was not daunted. 

    "I'm Violence," he said ruefully, "I'm used to it." 

    Rioters smashed the windows of about 100 shops along two miles of the main thoroughfare from Ciputat into the city center. Witnesses said they were protesting too much Violence on television. 

    "He's everywhere," said an old woman heaving a stop sign through a pawn shop window. "He's bought all the time there is for his silly campaign. I cannot even watch a decent soap opera without seeing Violence." 

    A police officer said 12 randomly selected people were detained for no particular reason. 

    SBN Television cameraman Ray Kampono wore plain-clothes and was arrested for fashion violations. Kampono said he was roughed up violently but not hurt. 

    Police also seized a pocket protector from SBN photographer Jean de Nachtmuzik. Violence appeared to have the situation under control as Darkness fell across the city in a counter campaign. 

    Witnesses said supporters of Violence had smashed windows of commercial buildings in Tangerang after a rally in the town on Jakarta's western outskirts. 

    Darkness patrolled the main commercial area of Tangerang. 

    In central Java,SBN Television producer Heidi van Bueller had much too much coffee. 

    She said troops with armoured cars moved in to clear the streets after a rally of some 10,000 people at which speakers drank 400 pots of the stuff. 

    Violence, Darkness and the badly-split minority Indonesian Democratic Party (PDI) are the only three groups permitted to contest the polls for 425 seats in the House of Representatives. The other 75 seats are reserved for latecomers. 

    Golkar has been in power under President Suharto for the past 30 minutes but was finally noticed today and told to, "come out from under there." 

    Jakarta was tense through the day, with all the coffee shops shutting down early after Violence ran up an incredible bill. 

    Darkness got extremely wired on Java. Under an agreement between the three legal parties, was found an old muffin, which was consumed by Violence. 

    Reuters correspondent Jim Della-Giacoma reported that Darkness leader Ismail Metamorie played the part of Evita in a local production and afterwards sold Amway products to the crowd. 

    ``We want clean government which is not compromised by corruption or grime...we are the party of truth, honesty and sparkling counter tops,'' he said. 

    Golkar is pushing 70 but doesn't show it. 

    Political and diplomatic analysts said there had been more air in their tires, and found navigating the city easier. 

    ``It turned out to be a contest for fabulous prizes,'' one analyst said. 

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    Really High Concepts

    May 28, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed
    (HOLLYWOOD) Being poor in the movie business is beyond depressing. I've been in Hollywood since 1989. I've seen one dopey, intellectually retarded concept after another catapulted into production. That means money for a lot of people. 

    How could "Alf", or "Different Strokes", or "Full House" get made? How could "Kindergarden Cop", "Twins", or "Waterworld", or "The Swarm" or "Undercover Blues" get made? It's easy: High Concept. Simple as that. You throw a log- line (a movie in about one sentence) that has explosive elements and it gets made. 

    If Ralph Kramden were alive today, he'd be the King of Hollywood. It's all about stupid get-rich-quick schemes. Get the right actors, a high-concept script and you've got 'cash-money' in the bank. 

    So in the effort to avoid waiting-tables again, I have created some high- concept vehicles that are sure to get the bucks rolling in. 

  • Daisy Force One: Its just like "Driving Miss Daisy" in a fully-armed Military Chopper. 
  • 12 Angry Men: A remake of "Twelve Angry Men",relying entirely on the cast of "Mummenschanz". 
  • Pretty Detention: "The Breakfast Club" meets "Pretty Woman"; high- school miscreants suck peter when they're supposed to be writing disciplinary essays. 
  • The 13 Steps: An ambitious actress uses the Alcoholics Anonymous program to meet famous producers and directors, and becomes embroiled in a tale of international espionage. 
  • Defiant Penises: A soft-core porn-action-adventure buddy picture- remake, featuring the penises of Denzel Washington and Harvey Keitel. 
  • A Dinner With Elvis and Me: A made-for-TV-movie about a waitress, who is invited to sit-down and have dinner with Elvis Costello. 
  • Strip-Draft: A stripper channels her self-hatred into a side-career of arson. Nipples, screaming fire-engine sirens and crackling-flames galore. 
  • Jurassic Fart: A colossal case of prehistoric ass-breath is primed to erupt over Los Angeles, and Kate Capshaw must stop it. 
  • Dirty Old Divorced Wives: A wacky mix of "Ex Wives Club" and "Dirty Old Men". Three, 45-year old women try and remarry the 65 year old men that left them for younger women. 
  • Three: Brad Pitt reprises his role as a cop on the path of a serial- killer obsessed with the "Three Stooges".


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    Hacker Replaced Porn With Weather

    May 28, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect Click Here to return to Front Page.
    (SRI LANKA) -Sri Lankan police on Friday arrested a 72-year-old computer operator suspected of replacing public porn photos on the Internet with weather charts. 

    A spokesman for Sri Lankan police said Haraold Satyawonjaykonjon, a resident of northern Sri Lanka , was the first person in Sri Lanka to be arrested for suspected violation of a 1978 anti-weather law. 

    Harold is accused of taking over six web pages of the Sri Lanka-based television network Porn Broadcasting Company on May 18 and replacing five of the six porn photos on the pages with disgusting weather charts. He also faces charges under Sri Lanka's anti-prudery laws. 

    Police said Harold told investigators he was just trying to prevent some fun and tried but failed to delete the pictures when he learned that his own actions were being reported all over on the Internet. 

    If convicted, Harold faces a fine of $8,600 and a mandatory 'Porn Appreciation' Course, under tough penalties against hackers adopted in 1992. 

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    Battle of The Sexes Ended

    UN to Provide Troops For Peace-Keeping Role

    May 28, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect click here to return to the Front Page.

    (GENEVA, Switzerland) UN officials announced today that the long running Battle of the Sexes has finally been ended in a UN brokered peace agreement. Both sides expressed relief and pointed to signficant gains taken away from the bargaining table. 

    The only disruption of the entire conference came from protesting hermaphrodites who were left out of the talks. 

    To make the transition to peace time a smooth one, UN 'Blue Helmets' will be sent in to monitor the disarmament. Once troop contributions are determined, the Peace-keeping force, 'Operation Make-up' will be deployed in bedrooms around the world. 

    "I feel we've made great strides and built a strong foundation for a lasting peace," said one anonymous negotiator. "Let's just hope those toilet seats stay down and that toothpaste stays rolled so we can get through this smoothly. 

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    Wilting Point: The Facts

    May 29, 1997 Submitted by Bhavraghita Semionopololes Click Here to return to Front Page
    Botanists in Toyko made what they believe to be an important discovery, which they believe will be welcomed by gardeners across the world: namely, at what point plants begin wilting. 

    Yakotaro Sharoshima, leader of the *§/$!(&*#§%$ Institute for Oriental Research (the name of the institute was incomprehensible - Ed.) declared in a statement to the press: "this is a vewy significant day fouh galdenews," but was unable to speak any further due to a sudden attack of sneezes, which has since been put down to hay fever contracted during months of experiments in an underground lab. 

    To be frank, we at SuBBrilliant News do not understand how this can be significant. We conducted a simple enquiry around the office, which showed that a quick glance is quite sufficient to tell if Drella's ever present display of roses needs changing - what's more, her secret admirer seems capable of judging it too, as the roses keep on arriving. 

    (We have yet to find out who this person is, but Rusputin has reason to believe Drella admirer answers to the name of 'Clem', a fact he says he found out in a seance.) If any of you have the least idea as to why there is such a commotion about something we consider evident, please let us know. 

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    22nd May 1997

    Member of the E-Zine Movement

    Subbrilliant News is published in Austin, TX USA® by Ace DeTECHtion Publishing Division.
    © 1997 All rights Reserved. Copy at Will or Anyone else.

    SuBBrilliant News 
    ISSN 1093-2895
    Shoplifting to Take Place of Sex

    May 20, 1997 submitted by St. Mauer 
    (LOS ANGELES) Let's face it. Sex just isn't worth it anymore. That's the conclusion that thousands are coming to. AIDS, emotional breakdown, and just the pure hassle of trying to find a sexual partner, have brought sex down to the same level as going to the dentist. 

    However, just as sex is on the way out, shoplifting is enjoying a huge increase. Rich Bergl of Venice Beach said, "It's fun, exciting - much better than sex - and you should see all the cool stuff I have in my room now." 

    Bergl said he once even had an orgasm by stealing some Mentos. 

    Discuss The News In The SuBBrilliant Forum! 

    The Key To Remarkable Success And Power Can Be Yours!

    May 20, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed ©1997 Vikki Reed
    (HOLLYWOOD) Michael Caine is everywhere. I sat down to write about this phenomenon, turned the cable-TV on (it's a writing ritual) and THERE HE IS! Who cares? I do. And you should too. Michael Caine is the Zelig (or Forrest Gump if you like) to pop-culture. When I was a kid and watched late-night televisions for marathon-sun-up sessions, he was there. When new movies were released, inevitably; he would be there. I had no idea how 'everywhere' Michael Caine was until I read his autobiography, "What's It All About?". (Turtle Bay Books, Random House, 1992).  

    The first name that Michael Caine ever dropped was his own, Maurice Mickelwhite. In the 1950's Scott became "Caine" after "The Caine Mutiny" and the swinging sixties began early. He started out getting to know the best actors in Britain: O'Toole, Finney, Connery, Harris, Stamp, Moore, and more. In fact, the further into "What's It All About?" that you get, it becomes clear that Michael Caine has met everyone. He's shaken their hands, he's gotten drunk with them, he's dated their friends or daughters. He's bonded with every Hollywood legend. Michael Caine has literally been present at the greatest moments in pop-culture history. Caine's charming, cockney accent, his unpretentious lower-class attitude, and his international self-replicating and parodying film career have not prevented him from becoming an International Man of Prestige. Why?  

    The following quotes from his biography outline a pattern of unearthly proportions.  

    It would seem that if you so much as bump into Michael Caine, you can expect to show up in "Who's Who" at some point in your life. It is rumored that a man who once used a urinal that had only moments before, been used by Caine; later became the first Englishman to throw a bottle at Lenny Bruce.  

    Understanding the path of this OTHERWORLDLY PHENOMENON, gives you, dear, small, anonymous reader, the hope that you too can ACHIEVE STELLAR SUCCESS.  

    Michael Caine 'happens upon' the greatest band in Pop History, knowing deep down something was happening... 

    M.C. on page 134: "Liverpool also gave us the first real clue to the fact that the sixties were coming, but we didn't spot it. One day we were rehearsing and when we broke for lunch, ...as we walked, we started to hear music...and eventually arrived at a coffee bar where there was a small group playing....the place was stuffed to the ceiling with teenage girls, so we decided to find somewhere quieter. The band was causing a riot and when we asked what they were called we were told "The Beatles". 

    Probably the Silver Beatles... 

    Michael Caine stumbles into the movement of a generation... 

    M.C. on page 144: "My girlfriend knew Paris very well, but on the Saturday night, when she said we would be going to a nightclub, my heart sank. I did not have that kind of money...I voiced my fears but she promised that it was a new kind of nightclub, and that I should wait and see...There was a crowd milling around on the pavement trying to get in, a bad sign, I thought....the people, who were young, were dressed casually-not at all like the clientele in London, who were always middle-aged and strictly dressed, as I was, with a suit and a tie...my friend seemed to know everybody and we were ushered inside. The scene was madness, the music deafening but I could not see the band. When I asked where it was, she laughed and pointed to a platform where a guy was playing records...then I saw in the dim light the dancing. It was like nothing that I had seen before; the people weren't holding each other, they were just gyrating in a frenzy opposite each other...I got an immediate buzz from the fantastic atmosphere and was hooked on this kind of club, whatever it was....I was introduced to the owner, who was called Regine, and I asked her why the place was not called "Regine's"....she seemed as surprised by it's (the club's) success as the rest of the world would eventually be... "It's a great nightclub", I told her. "It's not a nightclub, it is a discotheque,", she replied....So there I was for the first time in a discotheque. There were none in London as yet, but I was sure that soon there would be." 

    Not only was it the first ever discotheque, but Caine knew Regine should be called "Regine's"...there was no doubt this was a great moment in history... 

    Michael Caine can reach out with his eyes closed and grope greatness all around him... 

    Says M.C. on page 153: "When Terry was away, his younger brother Chris moved in with me and I took him under my wing. He was a very gauche, shy boy of nineteen and needed showing the ropes....he'd found his own niche; his ambition was to be a rock-and-roll manager. I made encouraging noises and sent Chris off fully qualified for a fruitless quest. A few weeks later, he told me that he and his partner had found a rock-and-roll group playing in a pub and they were going to manage them....the name of the group was.....The WHO!" 

    No one else knew who The Who were, but Michael could see... 

    Michael Caine hung-out with everybody...who was nobody...but going to be... 

    M.C. a mere one page later: "The big disco now was the Ad Lib, situated in a penthouse just behind the Empire cinema, Leicester Square. The Beatles and the Stones, would be grooving around next to you and in the dark corners you'd see Stamp romancing Julie Christie or David Bailey wooing Jean Shrimpton, and in another corner would be Roman Polanski with Sharon Tate and everybody who was anybody was there and so was everybody who was nobody but going to be somebody tomorrow." 

    And the next week, and a month after that, and yesterday too, and on Easter Sunday... 

    From every walk of pop-society; like shaking a freaking stick... 

    M.C. on page 181: "...and a friend of mine, another Cockney boy who ran a small hairdressing shop and used to cut my hair as a favour, had introduced a startling new hairstyle. We called Vid but his full name was Vidal Sassoon." 

    You looked good, cause you were near Michael Caine... 

    Michael Caine becomes part of the literary world, and their secrets... 

    M.C. on page 215: "Here I met a whole new group of people. One evening I was introduced to a mild-mannered little man who turned out to be Arthur C. Clarke, the great science-fiction writer. He told me of his experience with the press in the late forties, when he had given a conference to explain how the Olympics would very soon be broadcast simultaneously to every country in the world by satellite television beamed from outer space...." 

    Michael tried to tell everyone, but they just poo-pooed the notion. 

    Michael was too grateful to mentioning the young men and the scent of homosexuality in him... 

    M.C. on page 225: "The small man then explained to me that although I did not know who he was, everybody in America did....Out of curiosity and just before we started the interview, I asked him his name. "Merv Griffin", he replied. 

    Funny, what everybody knows Merv Griffin for now... 

    Caine attracts legends like kids attract dirt! 

    M.C. on page 226: "At the Club 21 I found myself seated between Kirk Douglas and Maureen O'Hara! I found a new and lasting friend in Elaine, the owner of the legendary restaurant that bears her name. I knew I was at the correct table there because I knocked over Woody Allen's wine getting to it, and on the way to the lavatory later trod on someone's foot and apologized, only to find myself staring into the eyes of Ursula Andress!" 

    Like a pin-ball Michael Caine can't avoid the infamous... 

    Michael begins to understand his powers of attraction; he begins to analyze the situation... 

    M.C. on page 229: "...all American actors were called George for a time. I met George Maharis, George Chakiris, George Peppard, George Segal, George Hamilton, and George C. Scott, all in the space of a couple days." 

    Caine gains some perspective on life and death... 

    M.C. on page 233: "As I was walking round the fountain in the middle of the park, I noticed a little old man being taken for a walk supported by a very pretty nurse. I must admit that it was the nurse who first attracted my attention, but as I wandered slowly over towards them to get a closer look, I recognized the little old man as Groucho Marx."  

    M.C. on page 250: "In the early hours of the morning I saw Nancy(Sinatra) home to her ivory tower and was taking a shortcut across the gardens when something happened to convince that Las Vegas was not like other towns. As I stumbled half drunk and tired through the shrubs, I was suddenly stopped by two men with shotguns. I immediately thought of the Mafia, this being Las Vegas, but somehow these two did not look the part. They were both young, and fair-skinned with short haircuts, navy blue suits and very subdued ties. They looked more like young accountants than gangsters. I explained my situation and who I was with, and the mention of Frank's (Sinatra) name brought the change of attitude that I thought it would...the guards were young Mormon men who were guarding their fellow Mormon Howard Hughes..." 

    In one, brief moment, Michael Caine learns who is more powerful: Frank Sinatra, or Howard Hughes... 

    I'm lucky if a waitress says something to me while I'm eating at Denny's... 

    M.C. on page 267: "Cary Grant had once told me, when we had dinner at Danny Kaye's house..." 

    But not Michael Caine... 

    Just another ill-fated night for the omniscient-one... 

    M.C. on page 303: "I had become very good friends with Mama Cass...one night she invited me to a party given for the birthday of some rock-and-roll singer....then Sharon Tate came in with a whole group of people including my friend and barber, Jay Sebring. After a little while they left and I waved good night to them, not knowing I was never going to see them again. Johnny and I were beginning to enjoy ourselves when a scruffy little man came in with some girls who were not only scruffy, but really dirty. They seemed quite out of place there and I couldn't think who could've invited them. Mama Cass introduced me to the guy who did not shake hands but just said, "Hi," and looked me up and down for a moment in a way that gave me the creeps. "This is Charles Manson," said Mama Cass." 

    The power is not Michael's to use, only to experience... 

    The historical 'fuck-off'... 

    M.C. on page 316: "We finished a week before Christmas and had an end-of-picture party at the studio where we all got slightly drunk, which is on a par with being slightly pregnant. I kissed Elizabeth (Taylor) and Susannah (York) goodbye and said a sad farewell to Brian, and just as I was going out of the door, I ran into Richard (Burton). "Happy Christmas," I said to him cheerfully. "Why don't you go fuck yourself, " he snarled....I never asked him about the cause of his attitude towards me that day. Alas, it is too late now." 

    Michael channels the many generations of fame... 

    M.C. on page 364: "As I slid into the chair at her side I nearly dropped my plate. It was Marlene Dietrich... "Is your name Michael Caine?" she asked rather sharply. "Yes, I am," I replied. "Are you a good friend of Peter Sellers?" "Next week," I mumbled. "Well tell him from me when you see him that I think he is a rotten bastard for the way he treated my beautiful Liza (Minelli)." 

    He is a conduit for the great... 

    Sometimes the legendary actually call his house... 

    M.C. on page 365: "Is that Michael Caine?" "Yes," I replied. "This is John Huston."  

    Michael is frightened sometimes by what he sees... 

    M.C. on page 412: "There used to be a hardware store right on Beverly Drive,( in Beverly Hills) where you could buy mundane things like nails and string...I once saw Fred Astaire buying sandpaper and Danny Kaye buying one light bulb. The most frightening sight I ever saw in my whole stay in America was in that hardware store. I hid behind a shelf of tools and watched Klaus Kinski buying an axe. It cleared the store." 

    A future genius reaches out to Michael... 

    M.C. on page 418: "I was surprised to find that I did not actually enjoy the physical act of making a horror movie, it depressed me and I vowed never to do another one again. The young director, however, I found fascinating. It turned out that we were both ex-infantrymen and that he had been in Vietnam and had become wounded and was decorated for bravery. Every day he used to talk about how a proper film of Vietnam had never been made and how, one day, he was going to do just that-and show what it was really like. Our other main topic of conversation was also based on our infantry backgrounds and that had to do with the assassination of President Kennedy. His theory, with which I agreed, based as it was on his experience as a soldier, was that Oswald could not possibly have shot Jack Kennedy with the rifle and ammunition that he carried, at his distance from the car at the time....Even though "The Hand"(A crappy movie) flopped I was absolutely certain that I would hear of him again, and I did. His name was Oliver Stone." 

    Michael is bi-sexual, like all modern Pans.... 

    M.C. on page 432: "We had been sipping brandy all afternoon to get up some Dutch courage. By the time it actually came to the take, the bottle was empty and Christopher (Reeve) and I were feeling a little jolly. I was still feeling a little upset, though, because Chris is a lot taller than I am and I didn't want to look like the feminine part of the couple....Finally we did the take and the last thing I remember saying to Chris was, "Whatever you do, don't open your mouth," and there followed the tightest-mouthed kiss in the history of the cinema." 

    Perhaps being in crappy movies was a mere vehicle that the universe gave to Michael so that he could meet the fated... 

    M.C. on page 450: ...In the film the role of my daughter was played by a beautiful, young and very skilled actress who impressed me so much that I can remember telling her that I thought she would be a star one day, and how right I was . Her name was Demi Moore 

    Even inanimate objects are saturated with greatness, when in the presence of Caine- 

    M.C. on page 461: "I could contain myself no longer. I asked the estate agent to whom the house had belonged. He seemed surprised that we hadn't been told before because, he informed us, the house would have to be maintained as a museum and we would have to build a new house on the grounds. "Who lived here?!" I interrupted, both of us now dying to find out. "Agatha Christie" he replied. "This is where she died." 

    Greatness ripping on legend, and Caine is there to receive it... 

    M.C. on page 467: "Milton Berle hit me with a funny line the moment I walked in the door...he was smoking one of his cheap cigars and I asked what brand it was. "A Lawrence Welk," he informed me. "What's that?" I asked, walking straight into the trap. "A load of shit with a band around it," he replied. 

    The US Literary geniuses are strangely drawn to Caine... 

    M.C. on page 472: "On this particular Sunday, lunch had been quite alcoholic and I wound up in the kitchen, feeling slightly the worse for wear and talking to three other men whom I thought I recognized but could not put a name to. They all seemed to know who I was-well, it's easy with actors-so eventually I stopped the conversation and told them of my plight, at which they all introduced themselves. They were Kurt Vonnegut, Joseph Heller and Tom Wolfe-three of America's greatest writers.  

    Caine has a creepy feeling about Woody before anyone else... 

    M.C. on page 476: "...we came to a scene in which I have a row with Mia and have to say the line: 'I hate the country and I don't particularly like kids.' The first time I said this line in rehearsals Mia made a funny face and it occurred to me that I was saying as the character a lot of the lines that Woody might have wanted to say to Mia personally. (I guess he's now said them.) 

    100 Stars, and Michael knew them all... 

    M.C. on page 507: "Matt Dillon, who I knew from the Night of a Hundred Stars show..." 
    The Evidence goes ON and ON! Find out for yourself! Don't miss the path to success. The next time you hear someone making fun of Michael Caine for doing "Jaws 3-D", remember the power behind the facade. When you hear the Great One say, "Hello, my name is Michael Caine, and this is my lovely wife, Shakira", remember that this is not a strange greeting, but a universal mantra. If you want success, get out there and meet Michael Caine. In fact, the mere reading of this article is the first key to stellar-success. 
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    White House to Be Torn Down For Mall

    May 20, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect

    The story is an old one. Property values go up, but your income goes down. While you're trying to cut costs and balance your budget the landlord keeps raising the rent. And so it goes with Mr. & Mrs. Clinton of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

    New landlord Ultra MegaCor International purchased the land from a Japanese interest last week and just recently announced its plan to build a "Modern Community Complex, consisting of shops, facilities, fancy bathrooms and really ritzy overpriced condos with those nifty laser guided sinks right in the room!"

    "It is always hard to embrace change," said UMC International press spokesperson, Andrea Faun, "But this is valuable land and the current tenants just can't provide the kind of income we need to make the venture worthwhile. We have a responsibility to our shareholders to make as much money as possible. All of it if possible, although that seems to be a long range goal. Can I borrow five dollars - See now we have more. Just doing my job. Eventually we'll get all of it. No you can't have it back it's mine now.... Oh yeah, prove it!"

    The Clinton's will be able to rent a condo in the new complex, "as anyone else would," according to a press statement. Of course, the Condos will cost an initial outlay of US$10 million and yearly maintenance fee of US$500,000. The maintenance fee goes to pay for "The nifty sinks, the gym and the elevators and stuff."

    The Clinton's say they plan to "crash on Al Gore's couch" until they can get back on their feet and find another house. "The worst part is," said Mrs. Clinton, "Bill loses his job in a few years and I'm being indicted!"


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    Elvis Was A Fraud

    Southern Blues Musician Responsible For Most Cultural Events Since 1954

    May 20, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect 

    In a harrowing lifestyle combining politics and popular entertainment, Ralph Bunchy has been responsible for most major cultural events since the 1950's according to a report leaked to SBN. Bunchy (No relation to the civil rights leader Bunchy) was a blues singer in Mississippi during the early 50's but couldn't break into the white dominated music scene in Memphis. His friend Carl Perkins told him he didn't have enough talent to make it as a minority but could possibly pass as a white man, so Bunchy disguised himself and auditioned imitating Perkins' style. Sun studios hired him under the name 'Elvis Presley' and through intense marketing he became an international star known as the 'king of rock and roll.' 

    Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first project and one of his most masterful disguises was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy. (ELVIS continued on Page 2) 

    Bunchy found that he had a talent for imitation and deception and decided to try his hand at politics. His first project and one of his most masterful disguises was running for President under the name of John F. Kennedy. However, the high pressure lifestyle of a major entertainer and leader of the free world were too much, so he ordered the FBI to stage an assassination that would enable him to get out of the business early. 

    After the assassination, he decided to vacation in England where he met the Beatles. He told them to get rid of Pete Best and Paul McCartney and hire his friend Richard Starkey and himself if they really wanted to make it big. To appear more seamless, Bunchy disguised himself as Paul and used his name. In 1966, the fame of the Beatles combined with the Elvis personality's continuing success made touring impossible. After recording Sgt. Peppers', Bunchy called it a day as a Beatle, saying that he wanted to concentrate on being just Elvis for a while. They faked his death, leaving clues on many of the albums and hired the real Paul back. McCartney had been working in a shoe shop and the Beatles found, to their disappointment that his songwriting had not improved past the 'She Loves You' stage. They hid it as best they could but it eventually split the group up. McCartney still had a successful career due mainly to Bunchy's work. 

    Meanwhile in 1967, Bunchy was relaxing anonymously in the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco reading Aldous Huxley's 'Doors of Perception' when he met Ray Manzarek. Bunchy was going under the name 'Jim Morrison' at the time. Manzarek asked if 'Jim' would consider becoming the lead singer for a new band. Bunchy liked the idea of kicking around in a no name acid band for a while. But as always, what Bunchy touched turned to gold and the band was soon internationally famous and Bunchy found himself torn between two overly successful careers once again. Tired of faking deaths, Bunchy tried to split up the Doors by breaking as many laws as possible, being an obnoxious asshole, and exposing himself on stage. The touring ended but the band still held together and became more famous. So without a word to anyone in the group (who unlike The Beatles, had no idea he was also Elvis) he popped off to Paris and faked another death. 

    Bunchy returned to England and began hanging out London's hot spots, refusing to join bands and make the same mistake as in San Francisco. His friend Malcolm McLaren tried incessantly to get him to start a band for the Sex Shop but Bunchy flatly refused. After the McLaren's band recorded their first single, Bunchy knew he didn't want to miss out and joined the Sex Pistols as 'Sid Vicious'. After the Sex Pistol's album came out, Bunchy decided that the Elvis gig was tired and had outlived its usefulness, so he faked the death of Elvis, ending his longest running personality. Soon the Sex Pistols had disintegrated and Bunchy, figuring he was good at it by now, raised faking a death to an art form with the bloody death of 'Sid Vicious'. 

    Immediately after that, Bunchy spent a few months working with the Carter administration on ways to end the oil crisis. It was Ralph Bunchy who came up with the master plan for solving OPEC domination which was eventually perverted into Iran-Contra and the Gulf War. 

    Bunchy took a few quiet years of vacation and recuperation from his hard lifestyle. He was getting old and it was hard to keep up the many pretenses. However, after talking on the phone with his old friend John Lennon, he was persuaded to come out of retirement to do a favor in 1981. Lennon was longing to live in obscurity, like Bunchy. He enlisted his former bandmate's help in faking his own death. It was actually Ralph Bunchy, not John Lennon who appeared to be shot and killed. 

    Bunchy put an end to public impersonations for awhile and took advantage of the deregulation of the Reagan years to become a financial tycoon. His investments and acquisitions were so vast and varied that in a manner of speaking, Ralph BUNCHY WAS, and in some cases still is, GENERAL ELECTRIC, BOEING, ADM, SHELL OIL, BCCI and MOTOROLA. Bunchy's withdrawal from the S&L business caused the industry to collapse. A major dumping of stock by Bunchy, after a miscommunication with his broker, led to Black Monday. 

    Bunchy found, that strangely enough, it was harder to maintain his secret as a private individual than as a public celebrity. Hence the persistent rumours that Elvis had been sighted all through the 80's and on to today. Bunchy decided to re-enter politics so as to avoid public scrutiny. He paid off Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton to live in the Carribean and assumed Clinton's identity. In 1991 he decided to run for the Presidency of the US. Drawing on his experience as John Kennedy and playing around by calling himself "Elvis' Number One Fan" he thought he'd have some fun, probably lose the election (he set up several scandals to insure this) and that would be that. However, once again, the Bunchy touch worked and he swept to victory becoming the 41st President. This stunned the man, now in his late 50's and called Clinton back from the Carribean. Clinton however had not been briefed on Bunchy's policies and appeared, in the first term to give up after the first hundred days (which is when Bunchy left the office). 

    The aging Bunchy did not give up however, he flew to Israel and convinced Yasser Arafat to approach the peace table, thus helping to bolster the faltering Clinton and perhaps give him enough steam to defeat Bob Dole on his own, without Bunchy's help. 

    There are also unconfirmed claims connecting Bunchy to the tr-lateral commission, Richard Nixon, Watergate and Charles Manson. The most spurious is the limited evidence that during the 1980's, BUNCHY, impersonating Elvis again, was involved in UFO contact and research for the US government. Bunchy claims his greatest moment to be, "...when I met Michael Caine." 

    [Info - About SBN] [News]   [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to May Contents] [Top] 

    15th May, 1997

    More Doctors Smoke Camels Than Any Other Cigarette!

    May 14, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to view story in full screen ©1997 Vikki Reed
    So said the advertisements in 1947 and they still haven't got any better. I smoke, I know it's retarded and I must stop, but it's legal and I'm compulsive. It's addictive. Let's face it, we make a good team: legal, compulsive, addictive and I. Just the four of us, huddled around one warm comfy cigarette any chance we get. 

    But I do have a problem however, with the many, MANY cigarette ads I see out there. Billboards, Magazine Ads, Displays, Freebies, Coupons, T-Shirts.... I don't need the advertisement to remind me to smoke. Phillip Morris, you got me 11 years ago, back the *&^%$ off!!! 

    I'll never forget my first cigarette: "Hey, Guys! I feel high! And it's cheaper than POT!" Nifty Dissolve to five months later: 

    "(COUGH, COUGH!) Hey, guys, what's this black crap comin' out of my mouth...no one said anything about any black crap!! (COUGH, COUGH)" 

    Swirling Lucasfilm effects to Two years and about $2,000 dollars later: (COUGH COUGH) I can quit anytime I want. I just smoke when I drink. Coffee, beer, water, my own saliva. Nothing like a mouthful of bile and a good smoke... 


    And then every Monday when I go to work: Get this motherlovin' patch off me and give me something I can wrap my lips around-NOW! 

    Of course, these cigarette ads are not geared towards virgin, non-smokers. No, in Phillip Morris' eyes smoking is like sex: we're all smokers, it's just a matter of when. Those advertisements are geared towards people who can't get it together and fucking quit. Like me. 

    These advertisements are all about what smokers associate with smoking, after all. I find it funny that most of these ads depict activities that most smokers desperately avoid. Like Jet-Skiing, Dancing...Dancing?!, Hiking... 

    When was the last time you saw a smoker on a freakin' hike? If you were to see such a thing, would you dare to offer a KOOL menthol to this smoker? "CIGARETTE? YOU WANNA CARRY MY WHEEZING BODY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN AND NOTIFY MY FAMILY? THEN SPARK IT UP! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!" 

    What I'm trying to say is that I DON'T NEED THE AD. You wanna know what I need? A lighter. And an ashtray. No ad. 

    If you really want to win me over, just do a big bill-board that is nothing more than a picture of a man sitting on the toilet-bowl, at seven in the morning, a cup of coffee in one hand, a Marlboro Light 100 in the other. "Nothings More satisfying than the first cigarette of the day...Make it a Marlboro Morning" 

    Here's a question for you readers who are dragging right now: Ever play that Marlboro Miles GAME OF DEATH CONTEST? I was in Kentucky where Tobacco is the state BIRD, TREE, FLOWER, MOTTO...THE MAYOR OF PADUCAH IS AN 8-FOOT CUBAN CIGAR... I was in a convenience store in Kentucky and the clerk is wearing one of those MARLBORO MILES WINDBREAKERS. I said, "NICE JACKET, BUDDY." This poor clown says, with his twangiest pride: "ONLY 328,000 MARLBORO MILES AND I GOT ME A FREE WINDBREAKER! IF I EARN ANOTHER 875,000, CAN GET ME THE PUP-TENT!" Followed by my own thought, "HEY, IF YOU LIVE UNTIL OCTOBER, YOU CAN SMOKE YOURSELF-UP A SURF BOARD!" Hope it fits in the casket, pal. 

    I think the prizes should be altered a little. If you've cashed in at least 6,000 Marlboro Miles, you get an inhaler, 7,000 a trach-tube, 10,000, an oxygen tank at least. 



    Lil' Jerry Durbin Discovers Renewable Energy Source

    May 14, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect 

    (PADUCAH, Kentucky) According to a channel 6 news report, local farmer's son, 'Lil' Jerry Durbin recently discovered the secret to cold fusion. Scientists have been working for years to discover a way to produce renewable energy by fusing the nuclei of atoms rather than splitting them, as in the more dangerous and volatile nuclear fission. 

    "I was just sitting watching the hogs," said Durbin, "When I realized that all matter is merely energy condensed. So I figured well, if that's the case, then one of these hogs is merely condensed energy. There ought to be a way to release that energy." 

    "At first I was so mad I could spit," said Durbin's father 'Big' Jerry Durbin. "But then I realized, well, its only one hog. The boy's got to learn somehow." 

    Scientists reviewing the apparatus are still not sure what to make of it. Dr. Leon Scheimenhauer of the Institute for Applied Physics in Las Vegas, Nevada told SuBBrilliant News that the findings were remarkable but unverifiable and therefore would not be embraced by the scientific community especially since the young boy in question was a hog farmer and wore 'gimme' caps. 

    "Our minds are closed and the oil companies have been very generous. This whole thing will then be declared a fraud," said Scheimenhauer. 

    "It's jes' a hog and a bucket o' slop with some wires," said Physicist Henry Chou. "That's not science. I don't care if it works. Besides, we have a contract with Boeing to worry about." 

    Durbin has developed a contract with the City of Paducah to supply power at a reduced rate as long as the hog lasts. After that? 

    "I'm going to cash in my Marlboro miles for a skateboard!" 

    California Man Registers "USA®" as Trademark

    May 14, 1997 submitted by St. Mauer 
    (LOS ANGELES) A private California resident dealt the U.S. government a serious blow yesterday by delivering a legal notice explaining that the terms; "United States of America," "U.S.A.®" and all parts thereof are now the legal property of one Chad "Sherbet" Sturgis. Sturgis requires that all references to the phrases must cease immediately. 

    Sturgis, a part-time athlete from Stockton, California, came across the possibility that no one had ever bothered to secure legal rights to the name of the country while he was watching the Nashville Network one evening. He immediately confirmed his suspicions and went about copyrighting "U.S.A.®" and other national monikers. They are now registered trademarks, solely in his name. 

    Sturgis' first demand is that any reference to the United States of America® be removed from all past, current and future documentation by the government on federal, state and local levels. Sturgis said he will use the phrase himself on personalized stationery but it should appear nowhere else. 

    US® Guilt Levels Fall

    (WASHINGTON, DC) According to an Environmental Protection Agency report released Monday, nationwide recycling efforts eliminated more than 50 million tons of guilt in 1996. The figure represents the greatest reduction in consumption-related guilt among the American populace in over a decade. 

    "Thanks to community-based recycling programs across America, landfill waste was reduced by some 70,000 pounds--or .00004 percent--last year," EPA administrator Carol Browner said. "But even more important, Americans themselves experienced a whopping 47 percent drop in guilt." 

    Added Browner: "Just ask anyone who's ever thrown a Snapple bottle into a special glass-only receptacle during their lunch break and felt good about it the rest of the day--recycling works." 

    As recently as 1990, the U.S. consumed 88 percent of the world's resources and felt 87 percent of its guilt. But by 1995, even though the nation's share of the world's consumption actually rose to 90 percent, through the institution of mandatory recycling programs, America's share of global guilt plummeted to 41 percent. 

    "I used to feel terrible when I threw out perfectly good things, like a working toaster or TV," said Francine Dahl of Lawrence, KS. "But now that I recycle a little bit, I could throw out a whole couch and not feel guilty at all." 

    According to leading environmental experts, recycling is not the only thing Americans are doing to assuage their guilt. 

    "People are doing lots of things to make themselves feel better about their fervent participation in our mass consumer culture," said University of Texas environmental studies professor Arthur Boykin. "They're supporting companies whose products have pictures of globes on them. They're buying greeting cards printed on grayish, non-glossy paper that appears to be recycled. They're wearing T-shirts with pictures of endangered species on them. They're eating at rainforest-themed restaurants. The list goes on and on." 

    Others are taking an even more active role. "We've printed and distributed over four million pamphlets to raise awareness about the importance of recycling," said Lori Herbst, founder of San Francisco's RecycleUSA! "I can't believe how successful the pamphlets have been. The city's drains are literally clogged with them." 

    According to EPA spokesperson Patrick Toomer, while most Americans are "doing a tremendous job recycling," there remain many ways citizens can reduce their guilt even further. 

    "A ceramic, reusable mug is the most environmentally sound choice for coffee drinkers," Toomer said. "But a mug only makes you feel good once--at that moment when you first buy it. On the other hand, using a new disposable cup made from recycled materials every single day will make you feel like you're doing your part to help the environment every single day." 

    "You might also want to think about increasing your use of substances that are devastating to the environment, such as freon, plutonium and battery acid," 

    Toomer continued. "That way, you can enjoy an enormous feeling of social responsibility when you dispose of them properly in special, brightly colored containment units that say 'Eco-Safe' on them." 

    Of course, with worldwide consumption of non-renewable resources at an all-time high, the world will still undergo total environmental collapse by 2065. "But with careful planning," Toomer said, "guilt levels should remain low right up until then, long after the baby boomers are dead." 

    America's citizens are not the only ones working to reduce waste: Corporate America is also doing its part. "People were concerned about the paper boxes we serve our burgers in, especially since most people throw them away right in the store within two minutes of use," McDonald's public relations director Geoff Hanley said. "But now that we print up pamphlets explaining our rainforest policy, people feel much better." 

    Such eco-sensitive thinking is not only good for the conscience; it's good for business. 

    "Five years ago, my toilet-tissue products were suffering losses in the millions," said Frank Costello, CEO of PulpCo, Inc. "But ever since we put a tree on our package and a banner reading, 'Made From At Least Five Percent Recycled Post-Consumer Waste,' our sales have gone through the roof. We can barely cut down trees fast enough to meet the demand. I guess the bottom line is, for me, recycling is all about green."


    Rampant Illness, "Nothing To Worry About" Says CDC

    May 13, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect 
    (WASHINGTON) The Center for Disease Control issued a press release today announcing that the rampant illnesses traversing the country and rendering 20% of the workforce immobilized and in misery are "nothing to worry about." 

    CDC claims to have the sicknesses, "relatively well in hand," and promises massive vaccinations and education programs to deal with the illnesses, "as soon as our director is feeling better." 

    Much of the US, Canada and Great Britain has been rendered immobile by several strains of disease and malaise. The CDC press release assured the public that these ailments are "virile or rather viral most likely and should be gone with plenty of rest and fluids. The mere suggestion that this is only covering up the fact that we have accidentally released a deadly strain of bacteria on the populace and have no known cure is preposterous. Besides we haven't been dealing with any bacteriae here, just virus research so there. I mean we're pretty damn sure it's a virus if that's all we're working on. That's not to imply that we've allowed any to escape... no, no... oh damn. I'm so tired, my body aches and this isn't really my job but all the press agents are out sick. I don't care if this gets me in trouble. Go ahead take the damn release that's right take it. I don't care. I'm going home. (sniff)" 

    President Clinton and Prime Minister Blair both pointed to the document as reassurance that the best of western science knew what it was doing and wouldn't let the people down. 

    "This is a new beginning for Labour, a new Labour," said P.M. Blair, "We're starting a brave new world of Labour and a brave new Britain and we're all just so plucky and brave that I don't see how some daft yank virus could threaten us any more than John Major. Who I hear is frightfully ill, actually." 

    "To those who are sick, I feel your pain," said President Clinton, "But we have to work for the betterment of the country and I think that our offer for talks with the virus will open up a dialogue that will allow for a compromise that we can all live with." 

    When pressed, both leaders admitted they hadn't actually read the CDC press release as their clippings boys were out sick.

    In Last Week's Issue, Our Columnist, Viki Reed revealed the startling life of a Mentos-- ingestor. Almost immediately a furor ensued over the publication of 'Diary of a Freshmaker'. This week we print Mentos President Heinrich von Staufenhausen's letter to SBN and Ms. Reed's reply. Both will be available in Forum to discuss the diary and the implication of its publication. 

    A Reply to Fraulein Reed's Mentos Article

    May 10, 1997 submitted by Heinrich von Staufenhausen, President and CEO Mentos GmBH. International 

    I have very carefully read the piece by Fraulein Vicki Reed, which at times appeared to make joke of our advertising slogan, The Freshmaker. This is of course the American translation for our highly popular German commercials entitled "Der Frischmacher." I admit I fail to understand how it is that Fraulein Reed takes the moral high order over our commercials. We have sold millions of breath mints in Germany since running our commercials with our fresh-looking, genetically engineered actors and as you say in your country, 80 million Germans can't be wrong. 

    Fraulein Reed's vicious attack is unfortunately just another difficult period we at Mentos, like the German Volk, must endure. We endured the Kaiser, we endured two world wars, and we shall endure this. We had a difficult period ten years ago here at Mentos when Israeli Intelligence revealed that Mentoshad served as "Hitler's breath mint" and that Der Fuehrer had stocked Mentosin all S.S. supply packets. It took several more years to reveal the truth, that Mentos played an crucial role in the survival of millions of Jews during the war. Few realize that Oskar Schindler would throw Mentos to Jews in boxcars being shipped to the camps. Being able to suck on a cool, refreshing Mentos undoubtedly made the trip easier. Of course, Fraulein Reed never mentioned that. 

    Few realize how crucial Mentos have been to the development of the modern German state. When Willy Brandt made his historic trip to East Germany to speak with Walter Ulbricht, it signaled the crack that would eventually lead to the downfall of the Berlin Wall. And just what do you think they sucked on as they discussed East-West realignment? Why Mentos, of course. In fact, Ulbricht is rumored to have said to Brandt, "You know, if the West can come up with such delicious and refreshing mints, maybe capitalism is superior to Communism." 

    To this day, Helmut Kohl loves Mentos. He is our best customer by far, ordering them by the truckload. He gives them to all visiting dignitaries, which explains why Germany is now one of the most loved and respected nations in the world--except, I suppose, in South Florida. 

    So I call on Fraulein Reed to stop attacking us and have a Mentos. It is easy to attack what you do not know. If you try one, you will see that, in the words of Neitzsche, Mentos is the Uebermensch of breath mints. 

    A Reply to Herr von Staufenhausen 
    May 12, 1997 Submitted by Viki Reed 
    In some point in their career, every journalist, if he or she is brave enough, becomes David to a corporate Goliath. Yes, a head-to-head battle where the only defense against millions of besmirching and attacking dollars is...the truth, my friends. 

    This is the case with me, and the Mentos Empire. Notably headed by one Heinrich von Staufenhausen, Pres. & CEO of Mentos GmBH International. 

    For the few shut-ins who don't know what Freshnatism is; it is a movement, described as a "religion" by Herr Staufenhausen and his immediate legion of worker-bees. Freshnatism is a 'theology' developed somewhere around 1950, by the aforementioned German person. 

    The general public is not yet aware of the very powerful reach that the Mentos Corporation/The Church of Freshnatism has...and they want it that way. They are not ready yet to lock horns with 'big-enemies' yet. They pick on the small folk, who are only now becoming aware of their misdeeds and suspicious, if not alarming activities. 

    I am one of those 'small-folk'. The piece published in The SuBbrilliant News titled, "Diary of A Freshmaker", was not a comedic piece, but the literal transcription of a member of the Freshnatism Church. To expose this character's tragedy is to shine a damaging light on cracks in their foundation which run very deep indeed. 

    For starters, few know this, but The Church, (heretofore known as)counts among it's assets the following: 

    1. All profits from the network television show, "Entertainment Tonight". 2. The studio where "Yanni", (Guru-man of mystic music and boy-toy to Lynda Evans of "Dynasty" fame)records all of his records. 3. The nearly unmanageable data-base of information stored at "The Ronald Reagan Library". 4. %20 interest in the company that markets "Starbucks Coffee Chain". 5. All relative stakes in a chain of Gun-Shooting-Ranges going by the name, "Whooo! Yeah, Boy!, Intl." 6. %5 ownership of the trademark and copyright of "Corn-Dogs" 7. All financing of the "Pure Bred Dogs Austrian Foundation" 8. Church Members have been positioned as managers in over %65 of all Blockbuster Videostore chains. 9. Primary investments in "Misty" cigarettes, a thin, almost purely-paper cigarette aimed at women who don't have lots of money. 10. The board members of the American-German Jai-Alai Organization consists of Church of Freshnatism members. 

    The Church of Freshnatism's goal at this juncture is to squash any negative PR. I am considered negative PR. 

    Whenever you hear criticism, the first thought is: consider the source. 

    Let's do so. Heinrich von Staufenhausen is notable for the following: 

    1. His son studied with Denny Terrio, of "Dance Fever" but never made it as a disco dancer. He did however, act as bride in a same sex marriage with a "Dance Fever" finalist. His son and son's husband were then moved to a chalet in Germany, which is financially maintained by the Mentos Corporation's stockholder's interest. 

    2. Heinrich is also notable for being a German National who was clearly not involved in the Nazi Party, to claim close affiliation and activity with the Nazi Party. Though Heinrich was rejected by the Nazi Party in 1935 for being Greek, he has produced numerous retouched photos of himself with the Hierarchy of both the Hitler Youth, and the Resistance movement. His companions in the photos are young, attractive, dark, boys. 

    3. Heinrich touts family values, but is actually the partner in 7 divorces. All of his first wives were either strippers or clerks at Blockbuster Video. 

    4. He claims a distinct German pride, but lives on Mulholland Drive. In fact, Heinrich is unable to speak German, his first language. He tends to hang-out with Hollywood types, in hopes that he can get them addicted to Mentos. 

    5. It is said that the ingredients to Mentos, were created by Heinrich's college room-mate, and that room-mate mysteriously disappeared somewhere in the Red Light District of Hamburg shortly after giving Henrich his first Mentos sample. 

    6. Heinrich is legend for supposedly putting away the psychologist who gave him an I.Q. test. Rumor has it that Henrich has the I.Q of a very keen German Shepard. 

    7. Heinrich supposedly loves Peppermint Schnapps. 

    8. Heinrich has had 5 face-lifts. 

    I fully expect to be attacked at this point. I expect the IRS will be giving me a call about 1995. I am firm in my beliefs that state and federal agents will be contacting me for the purposes of investigation. I cannot be intimidated. 

    I look over my shoulder when I drive, if someone is hitting me with their bright lights for no good reason, I break out into a sweat. 

    I am concerned that my phone is being tapped and that I can no longer be totally truthful with my mother as to why I need money from her. 

    It is okay. 

    It is more important that the smouldering embers of the Freshmatism Movement be quelled and pissed on before they become a financial dinosaur that's impossible to fight. 

    People: I think we know that Mentos are not just a minty appetizer.


    Presoak Dread & Existential Spin

    Copyright © 1995 Kathryn Carmony, Reprinted with permission. 
    Did you ever get to the laundry only to discover you don't have any change so you go next door to Walgreens and buy a pack of gum with a $20 bill, and for some reason you can't quite look the cashier in the eye because you feel like you're robbing them or something? 

    Does Sandra Day O'Connor have to do laundry? What about Susan Stamberg or Courtney Love? AT what point does one officially cross over into that otherworld laundry-free people? Fergie is probably one of those people who didn't used to have to, but has to now, and that has got to be quite traumatic in my opinion. 

    How does that Downey ball really work, anyway? How does it know it's the rinse cycle? Sometimes I open the lid real fast and try to catch it pop open, but I never do. And for a second, I think, Jesus, maybe it knows I'm watching it. 

    Sometimes I turn on the hot "whites" water, then switch to the cold "colors" water and then back and forth like that so I will in fact have warm water. It makes me feel guilty like I'm cheating the machine or something, even though I realize I wouldn't have to do this if the "colors" water was actually warm like it's supposed to be. But in all my years of doing laundry, it never has been, even once. 

    I always throw "hand wash only" stuff right on in there with the rest of it. Then I feel lazy and guilty. Rayon makes me feel the worst. 

    Sometimes I mix colors and whites together to stretch my laundry budget and I think, Oh my God, my mother was right: I'll never amount to anything. 

    It scares me how toothpaste never, ever comes out of my clothes. 

    You know how you're supposed to put the laundry detergent in first and fill the water up a little bit before you put the clothes in? Sometimes I forget this and pack my clothes in there first, and think, "This is the reason I'm not successful." 

    You know you're really screwed up when you remember to put the laundry detergent in and fill it up, but forget the clothes. You come back to find the empty machine already on "spin" and you're absolutely convinced this indicates early onset of senile dementia or maybe a brain tumor. 

    I've never really learned how to use bleach, and time is running out. 

    I always pack way more in than the machine's official capacity, and think, "If I were really talented I would have a job that pays decent money and then I could afford to do more loads." 

    Do you ever think about how most of your clothes in your laundry basket have been worn just once, probably only like eight hours in an office or something, and they're not even dirty but you go ahead and wash them anyway, and that makes you wonder if you have some sort of abnormal obsession with cleanliness and what is the name of this disorder and how exactly is it defined by the American Psychological Association? 

    Judgment Call: Somebody's left their clothes in the only available dryer for like 15 minutes, then 20 minutes, and now it's been over half an hour, so what do you do? I mean, do you really want to fold somebody else's skidmarked underwear, only to maybe have them kill you? You figure if you go ahead and take them out and it's the wrong person they might blow your head off or something, so then you look through the little window and try to figure out what person they are by their clothes. 

    Isn't it amazing how with about a billion laundry detergents on the market Tide is the only one that really works, and how you feel guilty for having tried all the other, cheaper brands? 

    Moral Dilemma: Sometimes I put two dryer sheets in instead of one, and then I feel like a typical decadent wasteful selfish spoiled greedy American consumer raping our natural resources and destroying the planet. 

    Since they don't know what causes the flesh-eating bacteria, I've wondered if it's that anti-static cling stuff and if it will ever occur to anybody to check that out. 

    It's funny how people stay right by their dryers and watch the clothes dry, as if somebody's going to want to steal their smelly socks or that dayglo lime polyester sweater with the hole in it from Kmart. 

    Sometimes when stuff comes out of the dryer a little damp I fold it and put it away anyway instead of putting another quarter in the machine. And this makes me feel guilty, like I'm cheating the clothes or something. 

    Do you ever take a newspaper or a good book to the laundry, but then spend most of your time watching the clothes go round and round anyway? And you think, "This is why I didn't get that job at the gas company." 

    There's never nearly enough of anything in a laundromat--not enough machines, not enough chairs, not enough tables, not enough coffee, not enough magazines, not enough Snickers bars in the candy machine, not enough change. And you tell yourself, "If I were a more deserving person I would have my own house with my own utility room and my own washer and dryer and wouldn't have to put up with this shit." 

    At the laundry I go to, when a machine doesn't work the laundry attendants never believe me and always go and check it out themselves and then tell me it was something or other that I did or didn't do to the machine and that's why it won't work. As if they have a clue. Even though I hate their guts and know they're ripping me off, I still feel guilty. And since over half the machines at any given time aren't working, we're talking a lot of finger-pointing and guilt over a year's time, you know what I mean? 

    Return to DUMPSITE  

    Presoak Dread was first published in Fishheads (Indianapolis). 
    [Info - About SBN] [News]   [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to May Contents] [Top]

    7th May, 1997

    Vegetable Rights Activists March On Washington

    May 7, 1997, Submitted by Ace Dtect
    (WASHINGTON) Yesterday, Tens of fifties of vegetable rights activists stood respectfully on the dirt track of the Capitol Mall so as not to trample the "living friends which are the grass." The marchers hoped to raise awareness of vegetable rights infringements. Many waved signs calling for an end to food processors and threatening nasty things at salad eaters. 

    "People have got to understand," yelled keynote speaker Collie Mertz, "that when you eat an apple you receive a gift from a tree but when you uproot a carrot and deprive it of its entire existence you are ending a life. President Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Senators, if you can hear this, PLEASE choose LIFE for these vegetables. End the mass slaughter, now!" 

    "We're not against fruit," said Pro-Vegger Austin Ramshac, press spokesperson for the conference, "What we object to is uprooting plants to where they can never live again. Like wheat, you know. We don't object to vegetarianly harvested wheat which only takes the grain and leaves the plant standing instead of just slaughtering an entire field merely to get the fruits of these extremely giving plants. It's like slaughtering your grandma so you can get the Christmas present, or something." 

    "They call themselves vegetarians," shouted Mertz to the crowd, "Yet they kill constantly in an exclusive jihad AGAINST vegetables. Using their definition, the only humanitarians would be cannibals. WE are the only TRUE vegetarians." 

    Many marchers were arrested for placing 'Keep off the grass' signs on the mall and trying to prevent police from standing on the grass while guarding the march. The Pro-Veggers left the mall at 5:30PM local time and adjourned to Ruth's Chris Steak House for a celebration dinner.

    Conspiracies Don't Exist

    May 7, 1997 submitted by St. Mauer

    (CHICAGO)Every man, woman, and child on the planet Earth must have been relieved to discover at exactly the same time that there are absolutely no conspiracies anywhere about anything. At noon yesterday, as you surely realized, every channel on television, every station on every radio, every video display terminal, word processor and even the front page of award winning newspaper USA TODAY ran the same reassuring message: THERE ARE NO CONSPIRACIES...EVERYTHING IS GOOD... 

    The same message appeared worldwide in a variety of languages, usually including English. In New York City the message was relayed in no less than 52 languages, Serbo-Croatian among them. 

    The message also appeared in the skies over less electronically oriented cultures, but no one quite knows how. 

    No group has taken credit for the message, but the CIA, meeting today with the heads of several unnamed multinational corporations and media companies did issue this statement: "There are no conspiracies. Everything is good. Leave these premises immediately." 

    This serendipitous boon is expected to put a quick end to decades of speculation on the JFK-RFK-MLK assasinations, the death of Marilyn Monroe, Iran-Contra, the Trilateral Commission, AIDS research, US backed dictatorships, the bloated US defense budget, CIA drug smuggling operations, military payloads of space shuttles and the use of chemical pesticides on every bit of store bought food we eat. 

    In an unrelated story, director Oliver Stone died today of natural causes.

    Diary of A Freshmaker

    May 7, 1997 submitted by Vikki Reed
    ©1997 Vikki Reed


    Today I went to the park, with a fresh supply of Mentos. While enjoying the sunny afternoon, I saw a really pretty girl walking her chow-dog. I really wanted to get to meet her, but she was walking in the "Dogs Only" area. I thought for a second, then I saw a chubby, middle-aged guy with a pork-pie hat, walking-stick, and a pit-bull. He was walking towards the dogs-only area. 

    So I popped a Mentos and got a great idea. I tackled the man and his pit-bull got loose. The pit-bull ran right for the chow-dog, which gave me the opportunity to hit on the pretty girl. Isn't it funny how everything works-out when you're a 'Freshmaker'? 


    I was unloading my mail-truck at the post-office, like I have for 7 arduous years. It was really hot, so I sat down for a minute. My mean boss started yelling at me and hitting me with his cap. What do I do? Popped a Mentos, of course. Inspiration. Saw the gun-shop across the street. Left my truck running and ran across on-coming traffic, causing at least 3 accidents. Flashed my always ready gun permit, loaded up a double barrell and ran back to the Post-Office. Happy Mentos music danced in my head as I got my still angry bosses attention. He stopped yelling pretty quick and started running. But fortunately the first shot I let go, hit him square in the head. Even though they were running away from me, I knew everybody was fresh and happy. Thanks, Mentos! 


    Thinking about how to get out of the Post-Office mess, and double-up on freshness. In no time at all, I made it into a cab, where I bought the cabby's clothes and headed to the bus station. I was on my way to New York without anyone noticing. In fact, a cute baby sat next to me. 

    I wound up in an urban suburb. I was hungry and didn't have any money, so I ate a Mentos. It didn't fill me up. Just at that moment I saw a diner. Could freshness be waiting? The waitress was hanging up a big "HELP WANTED: COOK" sign, so I went in. The waitress didn't believe I could cook, so I popped a Mentos and flipped pancakes and fried-eggs in circles in the air and got the job! My new life has begun. Watch Out New Jersey, I'm the Freshmaker! 


    Concerned that being a fugitive, I should conceal my identity. I was in my hotel room by the pool-hall, looking at myself in the mirror, lit only by red-neon, and I was getting pretty twisted-up. So I popped a little Mentos and it came to me! I shaved my head, and grew a goatee. Now no one will recognize me. Next, a tattoo! Thanks again, Mentos! 


    I went to the tattoo parlor but I didn't have enough money for the tattoo I wanted. I didn't want to just write, "Mother", like the big sailor in the chair next to me. I wanted a skeleton shooting a machine gun on my forearm. The tattoo guy said I only had enough money for a picture of a wimpy lightning bolt. While he worked on the sailor, I popped a Mentos. What to do?... Got it! Freshness never fails. I left the tattoo parlor, and walked across the street to Target and bought a big steak-knife. I bopped right back in, concealing the knife under my pant-leg. I waited for the sailor's tattoo to be done, grinning maniacally all the time. After he left, I put the knife up to the tattoo-guy's throat and made him give me the tattoo of the skeleton shooting the machine gun. It was hard holding my arm in that position, but whenever I felt weak, I just popped a Mentos. The freshness told me I would have to kill him or he would blow my cover. 


    Woke up to the sound of police sirens. I immediately popped my good-morning Mentos. I could see the police coming around the corner from my sixth-story hotel room. I suddenly thought, wow! I've got to do something. I'm covered with blood!!! If ever there was a time to feel fresh, it would be now. Just then I noticed that the painters, who were working on scaffolding right next to my fire-escape exit, had left two cans of red paint. Within minutes I had splattered enough paint on me to cover the blood, and I got out onto the fire-escape, painted black hair on my bald head (lucky for me the painters were using black and red, huh?!) and pretended to be a painter. I lowered the scaffolding down the building and walked right past the police who were on their way-up to my old hotel room! What a Mentos day! 


    I was on another bus (headed towards Montana), when I realized it was Sunday and I hadn't gone to church. Only one problem: I was on a Greyhound bus and they don't make courtesy stops. I passed church after church, until I could take it no more. I was losing my freshness. I waited until the bus-driver stopped for a bathroom break, followed him into the restroom, strangled him, and took his uniform! Now I could stop at the first church I saw! I popped a celebratory Mentos, and almost immediately saw a big, white church with a steeple! As I pulled into the church driveway, I wondered how I would make everyone go to services with me...I didn't have enough Mentos for everyone... 


    I guess I shouldn't have threatened to leave everyone's luggage in North Carolina. I thought everyone was going to church, but they were actually calling Greyhound. Some of the folks even called the police. That's why I'm in jail now. Bummer. I took a Mentos before the cops shot out the tires on the bus, and I realized that when I went to jail the cops would take my Mentos away. So I inserted three rolls (my whole supply!) into my anal cavity! Good thinkin'! Never felt so fresh before. The authorities are gonna figure-out who I am. They'll know I'm the Freshmaker. But you can't imprison a Freshmaker. I wonder, what should I do... I'm eating a Mentos now. Of course! They haven't taken my shoelaces yet...I think I have just enough shoelace to hang myself! I can 'jimmie-rig' this from the top of the cell in no time at all!!! Nothing stops the freshmaker! Thanks Mentos!

    An Apology

    May 7, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
    My Dear Readers, 

    It has come to my attention that, during one of my bouts of sobriety, I penned an article extolling the virtues a certain large corporation that I shall refuse to name. Well folks, I've checked the records, and yes, it's true. Turns out that I did indeed write the article in question. I won't lie. 

    Of my reckless actions I can say only this: I'm sorry, I was sober, and not entirely in control of myself.  

    I can assure you though, Dear Readers, that I am horribly ashamed of what I have done, and have stocked the wet-bar to ensure that nothing of this sort will happen again. Sober me up once, and shame on you! Sober me up twice, and well, I'll probably die.  

    In the future, you can look forward to more of the hard-hitting exposes that have always been my trademark. I have been away too long, and the ever multiplying globalnational conglomerflagerations have used my period of laxitude to increase their hold on an unsuspecting populace. This is unacceptable! 

    To the corporate world I say this: Rusputin is back, and I'm drunk as hell, so watch your step!.

    IBM Pits Deep Blue Against Microsoft

    May 7, 1997 submitted by Rusputin

    (NEW YORK) IBM announced that after their ultra-successful Deep Blue supercomputer finishes off Chess Grandmaster Gary Kasparov, it will petition for a match against Microsoft. 

    Microsft, in kind, announced "Bring 'em on!" 

    The two companies have chosen to abandon the game of chess, in favor of a game that both are more familiar with. On an as of yet unannouced date, the two will square off in what is expected to be a heated match of Solitaire. 

    There are a few obstacles yet to be overcome. Not the least of which is managing to interface Deep Blue's OS/2 system with the Microsoft machine dubbed "The Big White Weenie" which runs Win95. These problems aside, the two giants are confident that a healthy competition will, once and for all, decide where the REAL brains are in the computer industry. 

    Says Bill Gates, "They're toast."

    An Open Letter From Jerry Springer

    May 7, 1997 As Delivered to Maxlap 
    As you may know, I have been the subject of some vicious attacks over the past week. I'm not going to cast any aspersions on those making these charges, such as that sanctimonious bleached-blond piece of trash under whose self-righteous glow all those spineless media wimps are basking. Of course, I welcome the debate over whether I, the former Mayor of Cincinatti and a remarkably successful talk-show host, would have more to contribute to the evening news than Carol Marin, or, as I like to call her, Little Miss Tele-Prompter. But I believe in the First Amendment, I believe in freedom of speech, and I believe that in America everyone has the right to be heard, even a now-unemployed little tramp whose biggest journalistic accomplishment is being able to pronounce "Chechnya." 

    Fine. Let's debate. It seems that Ms. Marin is a bit perturbed because I am, oh, what were her exact words, "symptomatic of the declining value of the news." Yes, Saint Carol, I have a talk show. Yes, Your Royal Highness, I take on controversial subjects that the mainstream media won't touch. For example, this week I have a show about men who have their breasts surgically enlarged. (You could learn a thing or two from that episode, Carol. Tune in, Pancake Chest.) I also have a show where the topic is transvestities who vote Republican. Now some people, like Mother Carol, will scream, "Oh, its trash! Trash!" Well, Carol, aren't transvestities people too? Don't they deserve the same free speech rights as you? Well, Carol, maybe it isn't popular in your little convent, but I believe that in this country, we are all born equal. 

    No, no, Carol just wants to talk about wars, and welfare reform, and Bill Clinton. To that, I have two words: BOOOOOO-RRRRING! Face it, Carol, I'd rather listen to an overweight dumpy trailer-park housewife croon on about the wonderful boyfriend she met who's doing 50 to life for trying to kill Ellen DeGeneres for the Michigan Militia than watch your facelift moan about a five- car pileup on the Eisenhower Expressway. So stick that in your resignation letter, Carol, and step aside for those of us who are gracious enough to act professionally. That's me, not you, in case there's any confusion

    [Info - About SBN] [News]   [Back to Main Archive Page] [Back to May Contents] [Top]

    May 1st 1997

    Reporter Returns From Captivity!

    (DETROIT) Late Tuesday, April 29, Subbrilliant News Editor, Rusputin showed up at SBN Compund #473 bright eyed and sober; quite unlike himself. However we're glad to have him back 

    His late arrival caused a rush to get his latest story into this weeks issue. The tone has us all worried a little but we're printing it anyway. However, we're going to make Rusputin available in this weeks forum to answer any and all questions about his recent disappearance to Redmond, Washington. 

    Man Bombs Self

    April 30, 1997 submitted by Christian Fletcher Click Here to see story in full screen.
    (MELBOURNE, Australia) Authorities are still acquiring evidence in the latest bombing of Mr. Henry Gladmire. Mr. Gladmire suffered severe injuries and death following an explosion on his person late last evening, and several unnamed sources have alluded that Mr. Gladmire himself may be implicated. 

    "Well we haven't got many suspects to go pointing the finger at," quoted chief investigator Bruce Monty. "What with so little of the evidence left. But there does appear to be some question as to if the bomb was planted with Mr. Gladmire's knowledge. He may, I say MAY be a suspect. We still aren't sure." 

    This is the second bombing of Henry Gladmire in two weeks. The first, a much smaller explosion, simply knocked the man about, and caused slight damage to the exterior. Authorities have yet to name a suspect in that bombing. This, the second, has completely demolished Gladmire leaving residents of his surrounding area searching for answers. 

    Mr. Gladmire lived a solitary life, and was not known to affiliate with any organization, neither political, nor militant. Friends and relatives of the man, however, report that a territorial conflict within Mr. Gladmire, had been brewing for some time. 

    "Henry would smuggle knives and forks out of the kitchen area," said a neighbor. "and stockpile them in other areas of the house. I think he might have been planning this for years." 

    Mr. Gladmire did recieve advance warning of the explosion, and was urged by telephone to evacuate. The call originated from Mr. Gladmire's own bedroom extension. 

    As of yet, no group has stepped forward to claim responsibility for this attack, leaving police officials to believe that it was an isolated incident 


    Bill Gates Can't Help Being Nice

    April 30, 1997 submitted by Rusputin click here to view story in full screen.

    (DETROIT), the wealthiest and most generous corporation in the world, has recently added yet another good deed to its multiplying list.  

    Bill Gates has given freely, without coercion, or any kind of intimidation, over $2 million dollars worth of cash, computers, software, training, and copies of The Road Ahead to the Detroit Public Library, and other local humanitarian organizations. Wow.  

    This most recent Samaritan gesture widens the gulf between Mr. Gates and those who slander his name out of jealousy or spite. Truth is folks, he's just one hell of a guy! 

    Microsoft's corporate slogan of "A computer in every home, on every desk" rings out in these terror stricken nineties as a sounding of hope, in an otherwise hopeless world. As the computer revolution advances, Microsoft continues to lead the pack as a symbol of order in an exploding economy. 

    What would our world be like without Microsoft? Says this reporter "Chaos." 


    Scientists Discover Giant Elbow Floating In Space

    Apr. 30, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click Here to view in full screen)
    "We're not sure what to make of it but it's big and it's an elbow," announced astronomer Gelding J. Phillips at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona. "It's not just 'elbow-shaped' either. We're fairly certain it's an elbow. 

    While working late one night, Dr. Phillips left the observatory to chase off some "meddling kids" and returned to find that he had accidentally let the telescope drift a few degrees from where he had been observing giant plumes of anti-matter. What he found was a startling formation now referred to as Phillips LXVI. 

    "Spectral readings indicate the object is pure matter and radiating heat at around 30°. Remarkable cool for any stellar object. However it is inconsistent with the shape of planets that large. It seems to be larger than Jupiter yet with the shape of an asteroid. This can only imply some kind of gravitational anomaly nearby." 

    Many scientists are looking as usual, on the new findings with skepticism calling for Dr. Phillips to "Wipe his lens". 

    Dr. Phillips has made his data public and hopes his data will be confirmed shortly. He believe this could lead to a revision of the basic fundamentals of cosmology and a very profitable book and lecture tour.  


    This week, SBN welcomes a new infusion of sassiness to our normal fare of stolid reportage. Viki Reed will be a regular columnist just like all those big snooty papers in Chicago and New York. Besides Dave Barry just ain't what he used to be. So please welcome Viki Reed 


    Live on the Scene of Absolutely Nothing 

    April 30, 1997 Written & Directed by Viki Reed ©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved
    (LOS ANGELES)If the local news covers Charlton Heston's "All Right, I'm Gay!" Press-Conference, I'll tune-in. I can't be the only LA resident who watches the News at Noon, Evening News, and Late Report, who is overcome with a desire to buy a gun and make the news. 

    When I moved here from New York, and I watched the LA news; I had to analyze the situation. For some time, I assumed that because of the time-zone difference that the real news must be three hours behind. So I thought, "I'll wait". After the news came A Current Affair, Hard Copy, and Entertainment Tonight. I couldn't tell when one celebrity stopped posing and talking and the next celebrity began. 

    Not long ago, I saw a Channel Nine News-At-Noon show. After a recap of yesterday's news with a sprinkle of the morning's updates, the headline was: TOFU! EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S GOOD FOR YOU, BUT NOT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH IT! 

    After that report, I half-expect to hear this headline: ORANGE COUNTY WOMAN FOUND DEAD IN OWN HOME; SUSPECTED CAUSE OF DEATH: WIPING BACK-TO-FRONT! We take you now LIVE to the BATHROOM... 

    Followed by a LIVE broadcast of yellow-police-tape flickering LIVE just beyond the crime-scene, where the victim was once ALIVE...It is LIVE, at eleven p.m., so of course it's really DARK, and you can't SEE anything, and everyone connected with the crime is ASLEEP right now, and of course the reporter is CHATTERING while trying to keep his ear-piece from blowing-away in the LIVE WIND.  

    Nothing's happening, no one's there, but we will be here LIVE with every bowel movement of every stray-cat in the neighborhood, LIVE from the SCENE OF THE CRIME. I think I know what the crime is.  

    Is it too much to ask that local news programming actually should be compelled to demand real journalists and an assessment of relevancy in their editorial process?  

    Isn't it true that I can find out what it's really like to be Jim Carrey...anywhere?!  

    How do these local stations sleep at night knowing that their main story was only moments before the Network's Movie-of-the-Week? 

    To the local news-affiliates: You can cry economics when you stop bludgeoning me with commercials about fulfilling microwave meals for the whole family every four minutes.  

    To the same people: You tell me to shut-up until I've tried to produce a news-program; I say: ditto!!! Hey, maybe you could even work-on beating "The Star" Magazine for accuracy in reportage since you have the time to produce segments about Ostrich-Meat: The Low Fat Wonder Food for the Nineties!!! 

    The news is not supposed to be a fashion-show for The First-Lady, or a free-infomercial for The Hard-Rock Cafe openings on Mars. The news was never intended to be a promotional campaign for Tofu. After seeing that report, I know better than ever what to do with Tofu if I ever see a Channel Nine News Producer. 

    Hey, I'm not Stephen Hawking with tits. I didn't pass geography in school. That's why I would watch the news, you see. But doesn't it bother you that in an age when a wealth of investigative information was never more available or more important; that the local Fox News Anchors couldn't tell you what borders Zaire any more than I could if it came-up during Trivial Pursuit? 

    Dear Local-News shows: please stop insulting my intelligence, wasting my time, and regularly lowering the standards and expectations of the better part of the general public.  

    This generation of local news-shows is not the first to make banal, slanted, shallow, abbreviated presentation the Theme of the Hour; but isn't it scary that you do it better than any generation? 

    Until you clean-up your act, I have some suggestions for your shows: 

    1. Make Paul Moyers wear a squeaky, red, clown-nose and his co-anchor has to impetuously tweak it throughout the news-hour.  

    2. Film MacNeil and Lehrer watching the local news-broadcasters, making fun of them, much like "Beavis and Butthead" make fun of "Whitesnake"'s lead singer's red-leather pants.  

    3. Stop sending Asian reporters to Korea Town for ethnic-associated stories and the white reporters to Washington for image-oriented stories.  

    4. Act-out the headline news-items like a game of charades.  

    5. Cut away from Jim Lampley and Bree Walker when they don't have copy to read...you can hear them thinking and it's pretty awkward.  

    6. Perhaps hire Barney the Dinosaur as a new anchor, you treat Los Angeles Adults like they're five anyway, and besides, Barney can sing the news: "Hillary...Hillary...wears nice clothes for a First La-dy..."  

    7. Make Gene Shalit, and all of the Hollywood On the Scene Gossip and Movie 'reporters' broadcast from real Hollywood Blvd., where they can be confronted by the Lionel Ritchie, Michael Jackson and Madonna impersonators for hire of the world. They can be yelled at by tourists trying to be photographed next to Bruce Lee or The Duke's Feet. They can be bothered by panhandlers like Antennae Man. They can see REAL Hollywood actors doing what real show-biz people do: begging, schmoozing, and making fun of Gene Shalit.  

    8. Have Tony Randall sit in as a drop-in anchor. He always perks-up Conan O'Brien or Dave Letterman's shows. I'd watch him talk about Air-Bag Regulation.  

    9. Why not broadcast the news live from Spring Break in Daytona, or live from the Funny Car Championships at the Whiskey Pete Casino and Resort in Stateline?  

    10. Why not broadcast all news as to how it affects Arnold Schwarzennaggar; the real man in power in this country.  

    Hell, why not broadcast news. 

    Politics & Romance

    Gingrich & Reno In Lover's Trist

    April 30, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap Click Here to view story in full screen
    (WASHINGTON) An SBN investigation has uncovered what may be Washington's most scandalous and torrid affair to date between two high-powered political operatives. SBN sources have confirmed that for the past two months House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga) has engaged in a steamy, mostly sexual relationship with Attorney General Janet Reno.

    SBN spent the last month leaving no stone unturned as it interviewed secret sources in dark parking garages, combed through garbage cans, took lots of Polaroids and engaged in other respected methods of professional investigative journalism. SBN's investigation has uncovered a messy affair between two powerful and not-that-good-looking officials who have locked horns on several issues, most lately over the Justice Department's investigation of President Clinton's campaign fund-raising.

    But as are so many things in Washington, not everything is what it seems.

    According to a secret source, a maid at the Capitol Hilton known only as "Edna," every afternoon around 2 p.m. Speaker Gingrich and Ms. Reno would check in to the J. Edgar Hoover Suite, registering under the name "Sonny & Cher." Edna and other hotel employees reported that the pair was quite noisy, engaging in several loud sexual games. After about an hour, they would order room service, then leave back to their offices.

    "They would order a lot of room service," said a hotel kitchen staffperson known only as "Jose." "'Sonny' would always call down and ask if we had french fries. Boy did he love those french fries. And donuts, too. Cher, she always liked tuna on rye."

    "Edna" told SBN that she had walked in to clean their suite on a day that the two had forgotten to hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob. She found Ms. Reno and Mr. Gingrich engaged in a game they called "Independent Counsel", in which the Attorney General, armed with a leather whip, told a hog-tied Speaker that he was going to have to "earn" $300,000 "one dollar at a time."

    Neither the Attorney General nor the Justice Department had any immediate comment. Ms. Reno later released a statement that read, "I have not now, nor have I in the past, engaged in sexual encounters or encounters involving bondage with any current or past Speaker of the House of Representatives."

    The White House reponse came from Vice President Al Gore, who told SBN, "Hmmmm, yes, I can sense a feeling coming on ... yes, I am definitely feeling something, some sort of emotion. I just had lunch with President Chirac of France, and if you will please excuse me, I am going to regurgitate it right now."

    Mr. Gingrich was more explicit. "First of all, I want to say that because I am a conservative trying to change America, I am being held to a higher standard of conduct by the media, and I resent it. Now having said that," he continued, "there's no denying that the Attorney General is a very sexy woman, and any man--or woman, you know, if you're like my sister--who disagrees that she is attractive, I think, I would have no choice but to call into question that person's patriotism or standing as a red-blooded American."

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