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SuBBrilliant News Archives- September 1998

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 Free Public School Lunches Lure Teachers

Fairfax County Desparate

Wed., 2 September 1998 08:36:33 GMT Story from SBN / Christian Cantrell
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VIRGINIA, 2-SEP-1998 (SBN) - Many public schools open this week above capacity by 300 or more students, while short an equal or greater number of teachers. Principals and superintendents are scrambling to coax young professionals out of various lucrative and fulfilling careers and into the public school system by offering such incentives as free school lunches, free county bus service, and up to three full bushels of apples donated by local orchards.

Until a minimum number of positions are filled, many students will be taking gym three periods a day while enjoying two lunches, four recesses, and early dismissal.

"It’s a sad state of affairs when someone just out of college would take a job paying $30-$40 thousand in the technology field rather than do something for the community and for our children," Superintendent Daniel Fadder said at a recruitment rally this morning only moments before Jacquelyn Heights Elementary in Ashton Falls, VA, began admitting students. In response to an audience member's question of how someone is supposed to raise his or her own children based on what teachers make, Fadder, who was recently promoted from custodian, announced his retirement.

"The problem is that our standards is too high," Wayne Peterson, current custodian and acting principal, told local reporters. Peterson has proposed lifting the college degree requirement currently in place in most counties. "I mean we only talking about kids here, right? It ain’t like they be learning rocket science or nothing."

Peterson will be teaching English this year in lieu of a more qualified candidate.

"The real key to long-term staffing solutions is convincing women once again that they’re really not qualified to do much more than teach," Karen McKay, president of Thomas Jefferson University, said. "The best teachers are the ones who basically live off their husband’s salaries and do what they do just to kill time or make them feel like their lives are worth something while their own kids are either off at school or have left home."

McKay has asked First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton to help campaign against equal opportunity for women in Virginia, "just until the contracts are signed."

Christian Cantrell is the Editor of American Asphalt Journal and A Regular Contributor to SuBBrilliant News

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Jewish Princess and Mega Spender Killed in Car Wreck

Clinton Denies Knowledge of Running Starr & Lewinsky Off the Road

Thu., 3 September 1998 14:16:03 GMT Story from SBN / Lurkette
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, 3-SEP-1998 (SBN) Monica Lewinsky and Kenneth Starr were killed early today in a vehicle accident caused by a careening Italian sports car allegedly driven by President Bill Clinton. Clinton denies having ever driven an Uno and regrets any mistakes he may have made while doing so.

Lewinsky and Starr had just left a late night dinner at the Ritz where it is believed Starr presented her with the Judas-set diamond solitaire engagement ring she was wearing at the scene.

The limousine's driver, a White House Secret Service agent on "special assignment" to "protect" Mr. Starr," was found some 200 meters from the crash site, and is reportedly suffering from "amnesia". Starr's car has been driven by a secret service agent since he was named as special prosecuter.

Rescue workers were relieved to discover that Mr. Starr had died prior to their arrival and was in no need for resuscitative measures.

Miss Lewinsky survived the crash, but died en route to the Hospital. Rescuers took 4 hours and 22 minutes to transport Lewinsky from the crash site to the hospital, 1/4 mile away.

District Fire Chief Gary Hart explained that his rescue workers had used the "fireman's drag" to transport Lewinsky the 1/4 mile to the hospital. Chief Hart defended his rescue workers' choice of transport, saying that the crew didn't want to risk any further damage to Lewinsky's already swollen head, and also that they felt she would feel "more comfortable" being dragged through the dirt.

In a press release, President Clinton said he was "deeply saddened at the loss of Lewinsky and the other guy.

Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich told reporters, "It is a sad day when we lose one of the best distractions from the real issues to come along in decades."

Ed. Note: Now that Ms. Lewinsky is sufficently been beaten to death, we will DROP reporting about her and any Willie's she may or may not have attended to.

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Governor Champions Bill For Disadvantaged Pets

Mon, 7 September 1998 19:01:41 GMT Story from SBN / Christian Cantrell
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, 7- SEP-1998 (SBN) Gov. Wilson Proposes Bill Requiring Abused Animals to Seek Help After a study released by the California Humane Society showed that abused animals are unlikely to seek psychiatric counseling on their own, Governor Pete Wilson (R) proposed a bill which would require pets who have suffered physical abuse and long-term neglect to meet with a licensed animal psychologist for an appropriate amount of time before being placed in a new home.

The legislation, which proponents are hailing as progressive, is aimed at reducing the number of incidents of biting, scratching and running away believed to be caused by an animal’s failure to effectively deal with his or her traumatic past.

"Our primary goal is to intervene before there’s a crisis," animal psychologist Nate Henderson told lawmakers. "We figure it’s much more practical to get the animal at least on the road to recovery before we place it in a new home to reduce the possibility of having to remove it again and go through the same messy process all over again. The more displaced an animal feels, the more withdrawn it’s likely to become."

Wilson conceived of the bill after touring a local pound with his family and finding himself appalled by the crowded and subcanine conditions. When he questioned a volunteer about various animals’ pasts, he learned that the overwhelming majority had experienced disturbing puppyhoods and adolescence.

"It never occurred to me before what a lot of these animals go through," Wilson said at a rally aimed at boosting support for the bill. "Most of them get shifted from one home to the next, never being allowed to develop any kind of real relationship or bond with humans, never knowing how to trust, never realizing the real meaning of the word ‘master.’ Most of them end up back in the kennel not because they’re intrinsically bad animals, but because they’re asking society for help in the only language they know how to speak. Well it’s time we stop ignoring their pleas and start giving them the attention they need and deserve. We know now that cages are not the answer."

So far, Wilson has received overwhelming support for his initiative as lawmakers around the country voice their approval.

"I’d like to see this thing go federal," Wilson told reporters. "Hell, I’d like to see it go international."

The governor has not yet adopted a stray animal but has made it clear that he and his wife gladly would if time and money only permitted. 

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Thu., 10 September 1998 12:48:33 GMT Story from SBN /Boozer
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

VIRGINIA BEACH 10-SEP-1998 (SBN) Former presidential candidate and television evangelist Pat Robertson prayed to his god for protection from the impending hurricane on the night of August 26 on his television show, "The 700 Club." That was the last time the show would air. Hurricane Bonnie, packing winds in excess of 100 mph, leveled the Virginia Beach headquarters of Roberton's Christian Broadcast Network (CBN). Robertson's home was also destroyed.

Earlier this year Robertson issued a dire warning for the residents of Orlando, and in particular, the Disney World resorts, cautioning them that "God will strike" in the form of a hurricane to punish them for their "sinful" behavior, including giving homosexuals the same treatment as heterosexuals.

"I was wrong," lamented a soggy Robertson as he climbed from the rubble, "The great God Poseidon has blessed us with this destruction to show us the error in our ways."

Fellow Virginian and founder of Liberty University Jerry Falwell concurred. "After Bonnie struck I accepted Poseidon as the One True God," said Falwell. "And if you look at the path of Hurricane Danielle, you can see that Poseidon had us in His cross-hairs until we repented."

Once again assuming the role of prophet, Robertson announced the first great commandment, "Drink lots of water." Skeptics were quick to point out that ocean water is not potable.

"Of course you cannot drink water from the ocean," Robertson explained, "it is impure from washing over our sinful earth. Water that evaporates from the ocean and falls from the sky has been purified by Poseidon." Robertson then accused those of trying to circumvent this process of "playing Poseidon." FBI officials are investigating a group calling itself the "Army of Neptune" in connection with a series of bombings at desalinization plants.

At the University of Miami (Florida), department heads from biology and geology expressed relief at the change of faith. "We no longer have to respond to these ridiculous claims of 'Young-earth creationists' and those who question evolution," said Mark Cilotan, chair of the Biology Department. "I suspect, however, that those in oceanography are less thrilled with the prospect of dealing with fundamentalists," he added.

In related tropical storm activity, Hurricane Earl demolished the Brownsville Assembly of God, a Pentacostal church based in Pensacola, Florida. John Kilpatrick, pastor of the church, agreed with Robertson's interpretation of the signs from Poseidon. "Jesus was a false prophet, an evil spirit," said Kilpatrick. "His 'miracle' of walking on water should be attributed not to his divinity, but to Poseidon's rejection of him."

Residents of flood ravaged Del Rio, Texas also welcomed the new deity after Tropical Storm Charley dumped over a two feet of rain on the area. "Jehovah, if he were real, would have protected us," said one area resident who asked not to be identified. "I'm quite happy to worship a god who makes His presence known in an unmistakeable manner. That old god was just too intangible."

"Some changes will be harder to make than others," Kilpatrick said of the transition from worship of a deity of Hebrew origin to one of Greek origin. "Of course we'll need new holy texts and hymnals," he explained, "but the cross can be changed into a trident with a couple extra pieces of wood, and the baptismal pool is fine as is."

Robertson said he plans to rebuild CBN under the new name PBN, and that he already had spoken to studios in Hollywood about syndication of Baywatch for the Family Channel. "Ideally we'd like to get a 'Ten Commandments'-like production featuring (Baywatch star) David Hasselhoff to tell the story of Poseidon," he said.

"Above all else, people should continue sending me money," Robertson added. 

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SuBBrilliant Promotion Ends In Fire and Blood

Ace Dtect and Paco Xander Nathan  Barely Escape

Sat,  12 September 1998 10:47:43 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

AUSTIN - 12-SEPT-98 (SBN) SuBBrilliant News' Multimedia Extravaganza turned ugly Friday night when representatives of competing parody magazines and large retail chains attacked  revelers with flame-throwers, nerve gas and other legitimate corporate business tactics.  The Fringeware Bookshop was burned to the ground and 16 people declared dead.

A crowd of 700 as well as luminaries from Fringeware and Ace DeTECHtion Media were enjoying a dose of SuBBrilliant TV as well as a 12 course dinner supplied by local chef J. Elliot when the trouble began.

First, a group of vigilantes calling themselves 'People's army for the Integrity of the Onion' burst in and began laying down strafing fire.  Fringeware's Bonesy Jones grabbed the store cannon and began returning fire until he and several attendees clamped down the army in a corner of the magazines section.

Immediately, 10 camo faced Borders Patrol agents came through the ceiling and began censoring books and replacing the works of Charles Bukowski with Jackie Collins books. Paco Xander Nathan of Fringeware, used the Fringeware Built in Security Controls to immobilize the agents with intelligence gas before they got to the shelves.

On the Borders agents heels were former employees of Spy magazine now in the employ of Barnes and Noble, carrying flame-throwers and anti-personnel grenades.  By this time SuBBrilliant's Rusputin had ushered most of the attendees out through the back with the help of F3 Film Festival's Vincent O'brien.

Nathan and Jones set the store's auto destruct while SuBBrilliant chairman Ace Dtect held off the B&N flame-throwers unit who had set the place on fire.  With barely seconds to go, Jones, Xander and Dtect rolled out the front door on to Guadalupe Street as the auto destruct exploded leaving 12 members of the various attacking forces dead.

Mr. Dtect spent the remainder of the night directing agents from SuBBrilliant compounds #163 #005 and #1272 to reconstruct the bookshop in exact detail according to photographs snapped by Rusputin shortly before the attack.  The store was able to open this morning without incident. 

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Doctors Perfect Sex Selection Procedure

Parents Can Choose Sex Before Conception

Mon., 14 September 1998 20:48:13 GMT Story from SBN /Christian Cantrell
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA, 14-SEP-1998 (SBN) Doctors at a Virginia fertility clinic announced last week that a technique called“sperm-sorting can now allow couples to choose the sex or their baby. The controversial procedure involves placing miniature footballs at one side of a petri dish of sperm and tiny MasterCards at the opposite side. According to researchers, the procedure has a nearly instant polarizing effect on the sperm.

While proving itself to be reliable, sperm-sorting is not yet infallible. Preliminary studies have shown a slightly higher percentage of accuracy when parents request females.

"We suspect that what’s happening is that the footballs are occasionally being mistaken for expensive leather shoes or handbags by female sperm which corrupts the polarization process," said fertilization specialist Richard 'Dick' Senica. 'We won’t know for sure until we’ve done more research, though."

The Christian Coalition has objected to the use of miniaturized images of naked men and women as “magnets” in the polarization process for fear of increasing the homosexual population. Researchers have also called the use of tiny cigars “unreliable.”

Christian Cantrell is the Editor of American Asphalt Journal and A Regular Contributor to SuBBrilliant News

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2 Million Die In Tragic Accident

Christian Coalition Creates Fund For Support

Wed., 16 September 1998 22:44:23 GMT Story from SBN / J. R. Maris with Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

RALEIGH, 16-SEP-1998 (SBN) - A horrible accident yesterday afternoon left 2 million dead at the home of Jimmy Roberts, 23 of Raleigh North Carolina.  The Christian Coalition has filed a civil suit against Roberts charging wrongful death, as authorities are reluctant to pursue the case.

"They had so much potential and they were so young," said Gary Smith, pastor of the local Freedom Baptist Church and local representive of the Christian Coalition. "This kind of holocaust cannot go ignored.  We will see Robert brought to justice."

Roberts was discovered perpetrating the tragedy by his mother who immediately reported him to the authorities.  When they failed to respond she called the church.

"I couldn't believe it," sobbed Mrs. Roberts. "To waste so much life like that.  I never would have thought it of my Jimmy.  But when I opened the bathroom door to make sure my curling iron was plugged in and I ...."

Initial reports indicate that 500,00 perished in the sink, close to a million on the tile floor and an undetermined number on the mirror and the ceiling.  Officials say the death count could have been much higher if Roberts had not been interrupted by his mother.

Local clergyman are conducting a midnight vigil at the sight of the horror, where they plan to sing songs and hold hands to honour the memory of the departed.

Along with the 2 million deaths, one injury was reported, when Roberts father slipped on the slick bathroom floor shortly after hearing his wife's screams.  Doctors say the perished were dead already by the time Roberts Father tread upon them.

The coalition is considering naming Larry Flynt as a co-defendant in the suit which will go to trial next Wednesday. Roberts claims his innocence saying he didn't know what he was getting into when he took matters, "into my own hands."

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Hundreds of Clowns Riot

Phillipine Ferry's Scheming Ruins Bean Market

Sat, 19 September 1998 21:24:33 GMT Story from SBN /Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

 MANILA, Philippines, 19-SEP-1998 (SBN) -- At least 100 clowns are still chasing after a Philippine ferry who raised a storm with a manilla folder, some 60 miles from the capital.

The Philippine navy beans market plummeted as more than 300 people dumped their bean assets in favour of local fishing boats from the South China Sea. At least 140 clowns have been thrown out of work.

The ferry, Princess of the Orient, which was authorized to carry up to 3,000 navy beans, was bound and gagged by the clowns on Philippine island of Cebu when the ferry escaped by inflicting paper cuts with a manilla folder which contained details of Tropical Storm Vicki.

Maritime officials are expected to begin their investigation soon into why the ferry masterminded the demise of the navy beans market and why the clowns have been so riled.

Many clowns were asleep when the news struck. Survivors of the bean market crash emerged dazed and covered with fuel oil, which reports say spilled for hours, inexplicably over the bean market trading floor.

One survivor told the BBC, `"We listed exchanges, made trades but then the ferry's agents caused a tremendous crash.  As eberyone threw in to buy local fishing boats and trade ground to a halt, oil poured in like a flood from the ceiling.''

The Philippines has a history of bean disasters, but its record had been improving. The scheming of Princess Orient could prove to be the deadliest disaster the country's bean market has seen in recent years.

In 1987, the ferry, Dona Paz collided with an oil tanker off the island of Mindoro. More than 4,000 lima beans were lost in what was described as the world's worst peacetime bean tragedy.

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Secret Government Erupts in Scandal

Taped Conversation Implicates Secret President

Mon., 21 September 1998 11:58:43 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 2.0, Virginia 21-SEP-1998 (SBN) - Shock Waves swept through this small hidden unerground mountain community today as Secret Attorney General Jane Doh, secretly announced the results of secret prosecutor Ned Smith's findings.  Smith has been investigating the secret President without the Secret President's knowledge for the past 6 months.

In an audio tape presented by Smith, Secret Government President Anthony White expressed dissatisfaction with the secret government and the state of the secret nation.

"I feel like its all for nothing," said White to secret intern Nancy Jones. "Everyone always being secret. No one knows we're here.  We never do anything public.  Does it mean anything really?"

Secret speaker of the Secret House told no one in a press conference that never happened, "Of course we matter.  I mean, what if the Soviet Union tried to nuke the government.  We'd be able to step in.  He can't make me quit anyway.  I like it down here.  It's only people who live in secret hidden underground communities who really know what's going on in life anyway.  If he can't recognize that, then maybe he shouldn't be a secret member of the government anymore.  I never liked him anyway."

Secret President White denied knowledge of the tape or of having ever said anything in his life.

"It's a clear forgery," White didn't say to the press. "I mean there is no secret government so of course there couldn't be a clandestine tape of a secret President saying secret private things to non-existent intern, could there?"

The secret Presidental Press Secretary concluded the non-existent press conference by calling the whole thing, "an unfortunate mistake that everyone will forget about.  I mean that."

Immediately following the announcement, reporters found themselves at lunch in a normal deli in downtown Washington, DC with no memory of the past hour except that the pastrami was particularly good today.

A transcript of the tape presented by the special prosecutor can not be found in the SuBBrilliant Lounge because of course, it never existed.

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Teens Fight Ban on Laser Pointers

Say Red Dots Spread Cultural Awareness

Fri., 25 September 1998 20:48:14 GMT Story from SBN /Kierkegaard
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

NEW YORK, 25-SEP-1998 (SBN) Teenagers are fighting a ban on laser pointers, arguing that it is racial discrimination.Teenagers claim that the pointers are being used to put red dots on the foreheads of people, as is customary in many Middle Eastern cultures.

"We're trying to spread awareness of the use of red dots, to show people that being Indian or Middle Eastern is no different than being anything else," said Fred Contraband, president of the Kids For the Use of Laser Pointers to Promote Diversity.

Contraband said the pointers can also be used to put facial blemishes on clear-skinned youth, thereby making pimple-faced teenagers feel more comfortable. The pointers can fill in the scars of pock-marked faces everywhere, he added.

He said this is just another example of adult hysteria over teenage practices that are misunderstood, like the banning of "Co-Ed Naked" T-shirts a few years ago.

"The T-shirts were a way to promote understanding between the sexes. If boys and girls can play lacrosse together while nude, it will be easier for them to relate to each other in the classroom," said Contraband.

In response to the ban, he has been travelling across the country stockpiling the pointers and distributing them at Third Eye Blind concerts. 

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"Septo-shave" Revolutionizes Shaving World

Sat., 26 September 1998 20:46:34 GMT Story from SBN /Boozer
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

DALLAS 26-SEP-1998 (SBN) - Touting their new innovation as providing "the closest shave humanly possible" the Schick Corporation unveiled its latest product, a seven-blade razor, at the 1998 North American Cosmetology Expo in Dallas, Texas.

"The first blade lifts and cuts the whisker," explained vice-president of product development, Harry Visage. "The second blade re-lifts and cuts. The third, fifth, and seventh blades simply cut, while the fourth and sixth blades both lift and cut." The explanation was accompanied by an animation of the seven blade razor gliding over what appeared to be a face with a single hair protruding.

"Our research and development teams have been working for months on the seven blade model. We tried four, five, and six blades, but none of them could provide the clean close shave of the seven blade model," Visage said. He dismissed ideas for an eight or nine blade razor as being "ridiculous, absurd, and redundant."

Visage denied allegations that the company was engaged one-upmanship with industry rival Gillette, which recently introduced a razor with three blades.

"If that were the case," said Visage, "we would have stopped at four blades." Insider sources at Gillette, however, confided that they have immediately begun work on a razor with "atleast 10" blades.

Dubbed the "Septo-shave" by its maker, Schick plans to market the seven bladed model with a bonus styptic pencil and call it the "Septo/styptic shaving system." 

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Car Alarm Stops Thief

Man Stunned When Asked If Car Was His

Mon, 28 September 1998 21:44:34 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect.
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

CHICAGO, 28-SEP-1998 (SBN) Frederick Turner still wonders how he failed to steal the car and also got caught.  Safety Alarms Inc. of Tucson, Arizona and Shelley Finkle of Chicago, both claim the credit for stopping the car thief.

Finkle, on her way home from work Monday evening, saw a man standing beside a 1997 black Ford Taurus.  She stopped when she noticed the car alarm blaring.

"Normally I just put it off to a leaf, a cat or a breath of wind but this time I thought to myself, 'Hey that man is standing by a car whose alarm is going off.  Maybe he needs help.'"

Turner, a veteran of 35 car thefts, turned stunned when Finkle asked him if the car was his.

"I'd never before been bothered when the car alarm was going off," said Turner.  "A few times I've had to explain that my keys were locked in a car if there was no alarm but I've never been bothered when an alarm goes off because everyone's so used to hearing them.  I didn't know what to say."

When Turner didn't answer Finkle she became suspicious, maced him and immediately called the police on her cell phone.  Turner will be arraigned Thursday for attempted auto theft.

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White House Initiative Clears the Way For Foreign Exploitation

No Connection To Silicon Valley Fund Raiser

Tue. 29th September 1998 21:40:35 GMT Story from SBN /C. T. Cantrell
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 29-SEP-1998 (SBN) In an attempt to control rapidly rising American incomes, Republican Senator Spencer Abraham reached an agreement with top White House economic adviser Gene Sperling on Wednesday clearing the way for the technology industry to exploit more than 300,000 foreigners over the next three years.

According to the agreement, high tech companies will either have to prove that the importation of foreigners is not displacing higher paid American workers, or provide certain specified committee members with a number of expensive, predetermined gifts.

Top U.S. technology firms all agree that a 50 percent decrease in wages will benefit all Americans by reducing the cost of technology related products by one percent.

Newt “the Grinch” Gingrich called the extension of exploitation into the high tech field “another small step along the path of global capitalism.” White House officials, who recently and somewhat mysteriously changed their minds in regard to the value of the proposal, are hoping that nobody will make the connection between the bill and an upcoming fund raising trip to Silicon Valley.

Christian Cantrell is the Editor of American Asphalt Journal and A Regular Contributor to SuBBrilliant News

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