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SuBBrilliant News Archives- July 1998

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 Saddam Hussein Makes Dictators All-Star Team

Soul Replaced By Demon

Thu, 2 July 1998 17:24:22 GMT Story from SBN / Kierkegaard 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

BAGHDAD, IRAQ, 2-JUL-1998 (SBN) - Saddam Hussein was recently named to the Dictators All-Star Team, according to an unnamed source in the United Nations. Hussein, will join a prominent list of despots including Pol Pot, Idi Amain, and Adolf Hitler.

"He's a team player all the way, a player with heart. Every time he's out on the field or in the desert, he makes a tremendous effort," said the team's coach and trainer, B. Elzebub.

With his concentration camps and ruthless slaughter of millions of Jews during World War II, Hitler has long been considered the team's most valuable player. But with 1.3 million Cambodians dead during the Khmer Rouge in 1975, Pol Pot generally wins the team's unsung player award.

Other notable team players are Haiti's Papa Doc Duvalier who gained power in 1957. Among some of his wackiest abuses of power, Duvalier once slaughtered 6 teenagers who spray painted a "Down with Duvalier" tag on a wall and then made all youth groups illegal (including the Boy Scouts); membership was punishable by death.

"Bring on the nerve gas, Saddam. You're one of the boys now," said Coach Elzebub.

All players for the All Stars must be residents of Hell to qualify. Some are disputing a loophole Elzebubg exploited to get Hussein on the team in time for an upcoming match.

"Basically their crying foul over nothing, " said the coach. "In '76 with Pol Pot, we invoked the demon clause whereby someone is so sinful that we replace their living soul with a demon and send them to Hell before their life is over. This case is no different."

With a first round bye in the Tournament of Pain and Suffering, the All-Stars are awaiting the outcome of the 5-game death match between Fidel Castro and the Spice Girls. With the absense of "Ginger Spice", Castro is said to be the favored winner. 

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Secret Government Funding Cut

Congress, "Had No Idea" Says Senator

Mon, 6 July 1998 20:59:52 GMT Story from SBN /  Ace Dtect  
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 6-JUL-1998 (SBN) The USA's Secret Government hidden in the mountains of Virginia expressed shock over Congress's attempt to slash their funding yesterday.

"We thought we'd found a way to save billions of dollars," said a US Senator who wished to remain off the record for National Security reasons. "I just had no idea what catering fees really meant to the executive branch.

Secret Government President Anthony White expressed outrage at the incident and demanded that the funding be reinstated.

"We are a secret government doing secret work for the good of American interests.  We can't be expected to do that on nothing," said White.

Secret Secretary of State Adam Jones reiterated the secret government's position in a press conference.

"We're not talking to anyone who doesn't know we exist and no one knows we exist so we're not talking to anyone and any questions of possible withholding of funds from possible secret governments due to a mistaking of the alleged term catering fees should be put to rest and not emphasized except in such cases where the needs of those fees is recognized and discussion is necessary for the distinct action of returning those funds to the line item for which they are sorely needed.," said Jones.

The secret Presidental Press Secretary called the whole thing, "an unfortunate mistake that everyone will forget about.  I mean that."

When catering fee funding was brought up in the Senate again today several Senators could not understand the problem and had no recollection of cutting the funds.

"I see no reason why we should not reinstate them," said Senator  Arlen Specter (R-PA).

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US Man Notices World Cup

Has Hard Time Ordering A Coke

Sun, 12 July 1998 16:34:36 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

SAINT-DENIS, FRANCE, 12- JUL-1998 (SBN)  For perhaps the first time ever in World Cup History, a citizen of the United States noticed that the Cup was even happening.

Howard Smithson of Duluth, Minnesota left his hotel room this evening to let his wife rest and get himself a Coca Cola.

"I'd heard they'd taught the world to sing," said 62 year old Smithson, referring to an old Coca Cola jingle, "I just wanted to see if  that was true."

As luck was would have it, Smithson entered a cafe near the stadium where France and Brazil were vying for the World Football Championship.

"I walked in and parly vooed myself 'till I was red in the face but they just didn't listen," said Smithson.  "Then I noticed this game on TV.  Kinda like hockey on land.  So I asked the young lady next to me what it was."

Dr. Ameliora Parkhere of the Saint-Denis Institute of Mental Health explained the concept of soccer to Smithson and related to him that this was the regular once every four year championship of the world.

"And to think they call it football," said Smithson.  "That's the darndest.  They don't even wear pads!  She says that everyone in the world 'cept Americans watches the World Cup but I don't know.  I think I would a'heard something about it before now if that were true.  Must be a French thing."

World Sports Experts predict that if Mr. Smithson relays this story back home in Duluth it may cause a widespread outbreak of 'soccer fever' in the US.  The experts forecast 5 to approximately 10 people may watch the World Cup in the US in 2002. 

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Congress Moves To Outlaw Political Party

"Could Be Fun and worse... Work," Says Helms

Mon, 13 July 1998 13:09:22 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect  
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 13-JUL-1998 (SBN) In an atmosphere of fear reminiscent of the McCarthy Era, Congress took steps to prevent a fourth party from gaining a foothold in the political process.

"We already have a token third party," said Senator Jesse Helms (R-North Carolina). And we even let that Green Party have their way as long as they keep running ex-characters from the Munsters. We don't need another party in this country. There are too many already."

Helms is Referring to the Revolution® party being headed by Dr. R. U. Sirius. Dr. Sirius released his Post-Modern Social Contract and 15 Point Plan last week and has seen an unprecedented groundswell of support.

"Not only does this so called 'polictical party' seem like fun," shouted Senator Helms from the Senate Floor, "but it ALSO poses a real threat to the American Way of Life by changing the time-honored system of rich over poor with a class unconscious middle class as a buffer which has made this country great! We cannot let this happen to our children. At least not mine!"

The White House released a statement saying, "...while many may feel the President would have no objection to a fun party, he is firmly against siding with anything or anyone who may threaten the base of power which keeps him and the nation secure in the hope of a promise of a new future."

A Senate Resolution calls for a bill which would force political parties to remain serious and utilize 70% 19th century rationalism in their appeals to voters or lose their place on the ballot. 

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Janet Cooke Wows 'Em in Norfolk

Shares Tips On Making It Big While Making It Up

Mon,  13 July 1998 13:49:32 GMT Story from SBN / ~Lurkette 
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

NORFOLK, Virginia 13-JUL-1998 (SBN) Journalists from all over the world flocked to Norfolk, Virginia, to attend Janet Cooke's "Three Days To World Renown" Seminar this past weekend.

Ms. Cooke opened her School for Creative Journalism after her convincing and untrue tale of an 8 year old drug addict earned her a (temporary) Pulitzer Prize in 1981. That year, she also helped Michael Daly (formerly The Daily News) invent an opinionated Irish-hating British soldier whose fabricated comments caused 15 deaths and nearly 3 weeks of riots in Northern Ireland.

The School for Creative Journalism alumni include April Oliver (formerly CNN) whose completely invented story on poison gas was reprinted worldwide, and Patricia Smith (formerly Boston Globe), who is a delightful story fabricator whose invention of the many imaginary interviewees appearing in her articles were completely believable.

Stephen Glass (formerly New Republic Magazine) credits one of Ms. Cooke's Seminars for helping him concoct nearly all of the 27 false stories he recently wrote for that magazine.

Reporters gathered at Saturday nights' post-seminar cocktail party and used their newly honed journalistic skills to help one another invent this weeks Top Stories: "Jon Benet Killed Self", "Starr Claims Clinton Guilty of Monogamy", and "Geniuses Flock To Spain To Run With Bulls".

New York Journal writer Leonard Kantz says, "My story about industrial solvents is sure to scare hell out of everyone. I can hardly wait to get back to work!", and The Chicago Ledger's Jonathan Edgar echoed that enthusiasm claiming, "I'm so excited! I can write anything I want!"

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and Lt. Ollie North are the scheduled speakers for this weekend's sold out Seminar, "Rewriting History: Creating Innocence".

(Editors Note: B.T. ~Beautiful, Talented~ Lurkette is a stunningly beautiful redhead whose grace, wit, and charm have captured the imaginations and hearts of millions of men worldwide. ...) 

(The Real Editors Note: THAT'S ENOUGH, LURKETTE.)  

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FDA Creates New Food Group

Jello In A Class By Itself

Tue, 14 July 1998 19:42:35 GMT Story from SBN / Kierkegaard    
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, DC - 14 JUL-98 (SBN)  - Jello was named the seventh level of the food pyramid, the Food and Drug Administration recently announced.

"It really doesn't fit in any other group, even sweets and oils. Besides, as the commercial says, 'there's always room for jello,'" said Phinius Cornswallow, FDA's top food guru.

As part of its food group initiation, lime jello will be served to members of Congress before they vote on major pieces of legislation. It has not yet been decided whether Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy's recommendation that jello shots be provided will be approved.

The decision comes on the heels of another recent FDA decision to allow salsa into the vegetable category. Officials said it was tough call but, like ketsup, the fact that it's red was enough evidence to give it vegetable status.

Jello advocates have long been claiming that the gelatin substance was more than a tasty treat.

"It's an American institution. You can slurp it, suck it, swallow it whole," Cornswallow said.

Officials have not yet decided how many servings of jello Americans should eat daily, but said that it should be more than vegemite and less than pork rinds.

In other food news, spam is contesting its placement in the meat group, claiming "it just doesn't like to be labeled." 

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Year 2000 Problem Will Affect World

Up To 40% of Population in Danger of Disappearance to 1900

Sat, 17 July 1998 00:22:02 GMT Story from SBN /Ace Dtect 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

SAN FRANCISCO, 17-JUL-1998 (SBN) Most people aren't ready for the year 2000 and may not make it to the next century, a recent study shows.  40% of the world's population will find them selves in the year 1900 the day after 31 Dec., 1999.

A publication by the US General Accounting Office said that nation's citizens are mostly unaware of the problem with their internal clocks and are not taking appropriate measures to remedy the mistake.

In Great Britain, MI5 is working feverishly with MI6 and MI12 to induce an element into the drinking water of that country which will solve the Y2K problem for Britons.  Experts say that there's not much hope the plan will work.

Many third world countries will escape unharmed as their technology is not advanced enough to cause the problem in their citizens.

"We're looking at an all out diappearance of the industrialized world," said Human Chronologist and Computer Scientist Elfron Swigmeister of the World Chronology Institute in Greenwich.

Historians say there is evidence that many industrialist did end up in 1900 or will end up in 1900 depending on your perspective.

"It's what caused most of the trouble round the turn of the century with labour relations," said historian Doris Jononovich. "Late 20th century industrialists are not used to dealing with a strong socialistic labour force and industrialists are the most likely to be affected.

Most experts agreed that people who are constantly late, don't wear a watch, or never seem to know exactly what day it is need not worry. 

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'Affront to the Nation' Remedied

Rhino Undergoes Paulaplasty

Tue., 21 July 1998 23:59:12 GMT Story from SBN / Tyrone Dye <AKA> Tyedye) 
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

HOLLYWOOD, 21-JUL-1998 (SBN) - Representatives of Paula Jones revealed today that an anonymous benefactor has donated $9,000 for a rhinoplasty, or "nose job." Sources close to Jones say that the procedure was not performed for egocentric cosmetic reasons, but to alleviate a chronic medical condition known as Snozmosis, which resulted in severe allergic reactions to inhaled substances such as pollen and presidential semen spores.

The donor, now rumored to be billionaire Ted Turner, is alleged to have frequently mentioned to friends that Paula's notorious nozzle was "an affront to the good taste of President Clinton and the American people." Some sources have suggested that his benevolent donation was part of a continuing effort to "give something back to the country that has been so good to him."

Other, uninformed sources believe the surgery was paid for by Barbara Streisand, long known to be envious of Jones' projectile proboscis.

The National Enquirer has offered freelance Paparazzi 1 million dollars for post operative pictures of Paula's snout, the most offered by the paper since solicitations went out for photos of Michael Jackson's baby and Princess Di's bloody death mask.

The internationally renowned Feed the Children Fund has asked that Jones donate her leftover flesh to feed all of the starving children in Africa, while a representative of the World Wildlife Federation commented unofficially that, "no longer will attention be diverted from the Rhinoceros' plight...they can now hold their few remaining heads up high without always being compared unfairly to Paula Jones." 

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Southwest Heat Wave Continues Throughout Negotiations

National Weather Service Unhelpful

Fri., 24 July 1998 23:06:32 GMT Story from NewsRush / Christian Cantrell  
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

AUSTIN, 24-JUL-1998 (NewsRush) - Texas Governor George W. Bush (R) and Oklahoma Governor Frank A. Keating (R) have been in negotiations with officials from the National Weather Service since early yesterday afternoon in an attempt to get NWS meteorologists to increase the region's chance of rain.

"All we're really looking for is a 65-70% chance of showers between the hours of 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. one or two days next week," a spokesman for Keating's office told reporters outside of the air-conditioned Denny's where the talks are being held. "It's not like we're insisting on another ice age or anything."

"We can't seem to make the state understand that we don't actually make the weather," NWS meteorologist told NewsRush in a cell phone interview. "All we do is report it."

Air-conditioned restaurant, shop and movie theater owners are protesting the state's latest attempt to rob them of the prosperous times the heat has brought, and are threatening to secede from the union. Ranchers and farmers are largely ambivalent as it is still unclear whether or not Keating and Bush can get them a whole bunch of money from the federal government for not having to do any work.

The talks were proposed after huge contribution to the Cherokee Nation and Oral Roberts Foundation both failed to bring relief from the heat. 

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Scientists Clone Sajak

Hope To Bring Down General Stress Level

Sun, 27 July 1998 12:37:03 GMT Story from SBN /Kierkegaard 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

HOLLYWOOD, 27-JUL-1998 (SBN) In an effort to create a more harmless, angst-free society, scientists have cloned Pat Sajak, the famed host of Wheel of Fortune.

"Pat never appears to have any problems, any worries. He's also adept at hitting the $5,000 spot during a final spin of the wheel - a trait we find admirable in any human being," said Dr. Ralph Lufthart.

Scientists considered cloning several game show hosts, but none were as genial and sexless as Sajak. Wink Martindale, who was once considered a front runner in the cloning race, was ultimately rejected after scientists discovered how stupid "Tic Tac Dough" was.

"Sajak never even seems to have a bad hair day," Lufthart said. Alex Trebek, the host of Jeopardy, was also strongly considered for his ability to pronounce words in any foreign language imaginable.

A series of tests will be conducted on the Sajak clone, including one to determine his "before and after" puzzle-solving ability. Then, scientists will begin producing Sajaks.

Initially, the clones will be placed in inner cities where their affable natures will be tested by having them ride public transportation and waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Next, they will live alone in cabins in rural places like Montana where they will be mailed anti-government phamphlets and instructed to stockpile weapons.

If the experiment is a success, the government will begin a massive search for non-offensive individuals which can also be cloned. Initially, the clones will be used as guards at transfer stations across the nation, but their use could be expanded to other occupations, like toll booth clerks. 

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Hawaiian Scientists To Clone IRS

'Twice the procedures' Says Congressman

Sun, 26 July 1998 22:11:23 GMT Story from NewsRush / Christian Cantrell 
Copyright 1998 by SuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, DC 26-JUL-1998 (NewsRush) - In an attempt to increase government revenue at a time when a federal tax surplus is already projected, President Clinton took the unusual step today of ordering the entire IRS cloned by Hawaiian scientists. When asked how he can reconcile his decision with his own recent ban on the use of federal funds for human cloning experiments, the president claimed that cloning technology has reached the point where it is no longer "exactly an experiment."

"If they can clone a bunch of rats," Clinton announced shortly after hearing of the Hawaiian team's recent cloning success, "then they can clone the IRS."

Although it will take at least 30-40 years for the new IRS members to grow up and fill their positions, the president is calling the plan "the only way to give the American people the IRS they deserve." Lawmakers who have expressed concern over doubling what many already consider to be a severely bloated division of government were assured by the president's cloning committee that the new IRS will vary only slightly from the existing agency.

"We will still offer inadequate tax-payer protection," committee spokesman Tony "kneecap" Esposito announced at a press conference, "as well as the same or increased penalties and interest payments. We have no intention of easing up on ‘innocent spouses' and we hope an expanded agency will allow us to seize twice as much property. Basically the new IRS will do everything the old IRS did, just with twice as many procedures."

Ethicists who have denounced the measure are being denounced right back as "conservative alarmists with no imagination or sense of humor." Clinton has called rumors that he plans to clone himself and then run for re-election "only partially true."

"If I had a chance to do it all again, I don't think I'd go into politics," the president told reporters. "I think I'd become an airline pilot." In response to criticisms that the administration has become a little too liberal with the controversial procedure, an intern close to the president said on a tape provided by her best friend that the only cloning the committee has considered doing "just for fun" would most likely not involve any humans since they have proven to be "too prone to talking."

Kenneth Starr has vowed to subpoena any successful clone before it is even out of the womb, once again calling into question the extent of the independent council's power.

When asked at the conclusion of the conference if the president would ever consider cloning Hillary, Clinton expressed his regret that such a procedure would certainly fall under the ban on "unethical and immoral genetic procedures." 

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Nations Bank Acquires World Bank

Experts Expect 100% Efficiency Rise

Mon, 27 June 1998 22:31:23 GMT Story from SBN / Ace Dtect.& Joe Hill 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

CHARLOTTE, 27-JUL-1998 (SBN)  One day after the merger of the US Federal Reserve with BancOne, officials of Nations Bank announced the acquisition of the World Bank.

"We are pleased to announce to our stockholders the acquisition of all of the accounts of the nations of the world," said spokesperson Harold Smith.

The new company to be called, Nations'World will have estimated value of US$585 quadrillion.

"This move will allow us to serve our customers in a more efficient matter," said Pauline Koffman, head of the Third World Bailouts Division, in a telephone interview from Costa Rica.

Nations' Worlds' new automated WorldBank tele-system will offer features such as : devaluing third world currency, automatic loans for multimillion dollar dam construction and other irrigation projects, tele-transfer with ‘no trace' capability for slush funds, Money Market accounts for skeptical European Unified Currency members, and automatic approval for currency stabilization due to democratic reform.

In a related story the newly created Nations'World brought suit against Stonefort Federal Credit Union, in Nacogdoches, Texas, claiming the Credit Union is unfairly providing friendly and low cost services to many customers not covered under the credit union's original charter.

"Stonefort has a blatant disregard for the law," said Koffman. "Originally they were meant to represent only the employees of the sheriffs department but they now have extended their empire to include not only the city police but the local HEB grocery store as well! This unfair domination of the world's 1,832nd largest market must stop here."

Nations'World plans to take the matter to the World Court if necessary, once they have finished the merger with the English Judicial System. 

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Reno Rejects Proposal for "The Clinton Show"

"Go Through Leaders As Quickly as Japan" Warns Attorney General

Wed. 29th July 1998 12:54:23 GMT Story from NewsRush /Christian Cantrell 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON 29-JUL-1998 (NewsRush) Inspired by Peter Weir's dramatic parody staring comedian Jim Carrey, top White House prosecutor Frank Voyeur proposed diverting funds from Al Gore's net satellite project in order to install up to 500 web cams throughout the White House, Oval Office, Air Force One, the entire fleet of presidential limousines, and local hotels.

"‘The Clinton Show' wouldn't just be a step toward the future," Voyeur wrote in his report to the Attorney General, "it would be a running leap. Such technology would instantly do away with the need for independent counsels as well as generate extraordinary revenue from corporate sponsors. Think of it as a C-SPAN for personal issues."

"I envision the whole thing working in conjunction with an instantaneous computerized voting solution," a giddy Voyeur later told reporters at a press conference. "Everywhere there'd be a web cam, there'd also be some sort of device to communicate to the president the public's approval or disapproval of what he is currently doing. Maybe something like a stoplight. Green means keep doing what you're doing, yellow means you'd better be careful, and red means pack your bags and get out, you've just been impeached. We're talking about the world's first large-scale realtime direct democracy as well as the only practical way I can see of ridding ourselves of Time/CNN poles."

Despite public enthusiasm for the project, Reno did not appear amused. "As much as I dislike Ken Starr, I don't do things based on majority vote," she told reporters. "I do things based on evidence and the law."

Voyeur has accused Reno of being an "archaic communist bitch" and proposed an arm wrestling match to settle the matter. Other opponents of Reno, which include almost all of congress, have vowed to move forward with the project despite her lack of support, calling Voyeur's idea "even cooler than Al's" while dismissing Reno's concern that the American people would end up going through leaders as quickly as Japan as an "insignificant detail."

Microsoft stock soared after Bill Gates announced plans to develop Microsoft White House, [See related Story, 22 December, 1996] a superfluous interface which would be needed to unscramble the web cam transitions and which Gates says he regrets will only function with Windows 98, Microsoft Explorer, and at least two Microsoft Office applications open at the same time. 

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President Hires Alzheimer's Patients To Work On Y2K Computer Quandary

'Theyll Fit Right In' says Clinton

Thu, 30 July 1998 11:12:26 GMT Story from SBN /Lurkette 
Copyright 1998 bySuBBrilliant News

WASHINGTON, 30-JUL-1998 (SBN) In a last ditch effort to forestall a governmental computer meltdown on January 1, 2000, US retired computer programmers are being ordered to report for work at their local Year 2000 Conversion Offices no later than August 1, 1998, or face arrest.

Retired computer programmers are believed to be only ones who know how to operate the nations antiquated computers or who understand the lost languages of COBOL and FORTRAN.

President Clinton's announcement that he had drafted the retirees and suspended their Social Security checks has enraged such groups as the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), who said most retired computer programmers suffer from Alzheimer's, "likely a result of spending their careers in front of green glowing terminals."

AARP spokesman Arnie Bernberg addressed the President saying, "nearly all of the retired programmers suffer from memory loss and impaired judgement."

President Clinton said he is "delighted" and that his newest government employees are "going to fit in just fine". 

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