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SuBBrilliant News Archives- December 1997

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  • December 1997

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    Juvenile Delinquent Takes St. Nick Hostage!

    submitted 25th december, 1997 by TyeDye
    (Billings, MT)  When Santa Claus came down the chimney of 1287 Sutter
    Street, he had more than just milk and cookies awaiting him.  Eight year
    old Timmy Goodson was staked out near the fireplace with his father’s .357
    magnum and a photo-copied Christmas list 2 pages long.  Goodson, on
    probation for pulling the wings off butterflies and burning his pet gerbil
    with a magnifying glass, later claimed he had been a good boy all year but
    had anticipated that Santa was intending to stiff him on his #1 gift
    request, a puppy.
         Hearing a midnight commotion, Goodson’s parents awoke and walked in to
    see Santa spread eagled against the wall, being strip searched by their son
    at gun point.  They were instructed to “go back to bed, or the fat, jolly
    guy gets it.”  His parents cooperated, and called police from their bedroom.
         After searching Santa’s bag and confirming he was puppyless, little
    Timmy made a decision that would effect children the world over.  He tied
    Claus up with an extension cord and threatened to shoot him in the jingle
    bells, unless Claus or an Elf under his immediate supervision “forked over
    a pooch.”   “Last year I asked for a puppy and all I got was a darn gerbil
    and a Transformer Action Toy”, he whined.
         The local SWAT team was on the scene within minutes.  After peppering
    the house with tear gas, they stormed the living room; taking a coughing,
    teary eyed Timmy into custody.  During the confusion, no one noticed that
    sparks from a tear gas canister had ignited the dry Christmas tree,
    subsequently burning down the Goodson home.  Fire Department Paramedics
    reported no injuries.
         Santa Claus was quite shaken, and reluctantly canceled the rest of his
    Christmas rounds until next year.
         Charged as an adult with Aggravated Assault upon a Traditional
    Commercial Enterprise, Goodson was promptly convicted and sentenced to a
    public sugar caning in the town square.  He was then remanded to the
    ‘Sleepy Cubits Home For Boys’-- A high security juvenile facility where
    criminally naive children exchange tactics and strategy on how to get away
    with their crimes so as not to be a continuing burden on the Penal System.
         This is the third of the last four years Santa Claus has encountered
    adversities.
         Just last year Claus lost a lawsuit brought by 5 year old Jeremy
    Anderson of Latrobe, PA., for Breach of Contract when he was negligently
    overlooked by Santa during Christmas rounds, even though he had not been
    naughty even once during the Chriscal year.  Four years ago, 12 year old Virginia Smith was
    found guilty of Attempted Saint Slaughter when she shot Santa Claus in the
    groin after discovering him in her living room during the middle of the
    night.   When he suggested she sit on his lap and asked “want some candy
    little girl?”, she defended herself with a shotgun,  assuming he was a
    child molester with poor fashion sense.  Virginia was found guilty when she
    failed to convince a jury that her parents raised her not to believe in
    Santa, and that she shot the intruder in good faith.

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
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    George Bailey's Life Takes Turn for the Less Wonderful!

    submitted by TyeDye, 25th December, 1997
    (Bedford Falls, OR)   It wasn’t a very merry Christmas for George Bailey.
    He was arrested last night during a Christmas Eve celebration at his home,
    after a Federal Bank Examiner accused him of embezzling over $7,000 from
    the Bailey Brothers Building and Loan, where he has worked as its President
    for the last 15 years.
         At first Bailey confessed to the charges, claiming he mysteriously
    ‘mis-placed’ the cash deposits.  When he offered to pay back the Building
    and Loan with funds donated by incredulous friends, (including one wealthy
    entrepreneur - Sam ‘Heehaw’ Wainright - who has alleged ties to organized
    crime), District Attorney Milton Standish accepted the cash, but still
    placed Bailey under arrest.  At that point Bailey tearfully pointed the
    finger at his Uncle, William Bailey, Vice President of the Building and
    Loan,  accusing HIM of stealing the $7,000.00.  Uncle Billy untied a string
    from around his finger and said, “I don’t remember anything.”  Supporters
    quickly turned against George Bailey when they realized he was attempting
    to make his simple-minded, defenseless uncle the scapegoat for his own
    corruption.  While Police hauled him off to jail for booking, Bailey kept
    pleading for someone named Clarence to help him.
         Taxi Driver Ernie Bishop claimed that everyone but George’s wife Mary
    knew that he had been having an affair with Violet, the town slut, “and I
    hear he has been addicted to pain killers ever since he worked at Gower’s
    Drug Store as a child.”  Local Banker Henry Potter added, “I used to
    believe he was, as his Father Peter before him, just a terrible
    businessman.  Seemed as if you played pool with an employee of the Building
    and Loan, you could borrow money.  But I guess George was a crook too.  It
    was bound to happen.  He was selling his new spec houses at a big loss, and
    allowed all his debtors to pay their over-leveraged mortgages at their
    convenience.  I just knew he was fudging with the books.”
         Bailey’s brother Harry, a decorated war hero and recently nominated
    for a vacant Senate seat, admitted that he himself had offered to take over
    as President at the Building and Loan years ago, but George refused.
    “Maybe he knew I would discover his illegal activities.”   Bailey’s Mother
    In Law was just as bitter, “I don’t know what Mary ever saw in him.  He
    couldn’t sing a whit.”
         But Bailey’s wife Mary remained loyal; “He’ll always be the tall
    skinny fellow who lassooed the moon, and my heart.”
         The FDIC (Federal Deposit Insurance Commission) has taken over
    operations of the Building and Loan until its liquidation, insuring
    accounts up to $100,000.
         Remorseful and guilt ridden, George Bailey committed suicide in his
    cell early this morning, apparently  choking himself to death on some rose
    pedals he had hidden in his pocket the night before.
     

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    World Fish Market Reaches New Depths

    Analysts Advise Investment Sharks to Float Assets

    17th December, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect.click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (HONG KONG, PRC)  The troubled waters of the World Fish Market raged into a storm as a wave of scalloping flooded the Hong Kong exchange with Shrimp.  Experts predict rough waters ahead and many big banking firms are doing a full reverse.

        "Holy Mackerel!" said Asian Fish Paste magnate Li-Wen Foo upon seeing Wednesday's numbers. "We're really up the creek aren't we?"
     

    I  I   I   I ......404 Pun Overload Error

    This News Story has been interrupted.  If you cannot cause the story to be reloaded with more conventional humour please contact the administrator at webmaster@subbrilliant.com

    Working..................

    Error Message Overridden <<< Contact acedtect@uhura.concentric.net MSG ID X0776876565@101.479.32

    Ladies and gentleman we apologise for the aforementioned pun overload.  Our sever was momentarily flooded...uh I mean deluged... er the server malfunctioned momentarily and caused a normal business story to be expressed in ECPL or Extreme Compressed Pun Language, an experimental language used by MAD TV and Saturday Night LIve to prop up sagging comedy sketches.  We apologise for any inconvenience and now return you to your regular SBN story already in progress.

                            ...which doesn't matter a hill of beans to me," said Diego Milagro.
        The 1998 Pinto is being hailed as the "Burrito of comeback stories" by Car & Driver.  While the Asian Fish Market is sceptical calling it a refried concept.

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    Haloless Children Die In Bandwagon Accident

    17th December, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye) Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
    (PLACERVILLE, CALIFORNIA)    Sixty eight Christian children were killed yesterday when the driver of their overcrowded bandwagon lost control; after careening over a cliff, it plummeted 200 feet into an empty church below, where it burst into flames.  Little, broken, charred bodies were strewn everywhere.  There were no survivors.
         During his autopsy today, a Urine Test confirmed that the driver of the Christian’s bandwagon, Hal Luyah, had a Blood\God content of .066 when he crashed.  Under state law, it is illegal to operate church vehicles unless your Blood\God content is higher than .087, making Jesus your co-pilot.
         The California Vehicle Code requires that church bandwagon operators have their faith tested by the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) at least once per month, monitoring guilt, lust, and susceptibility to temptation. Those gauged not to be ‘spirit-filled’ must attend rigorous training classes at the ‘Sleepy Cubits Sanitarium’, a Christian reprogramming retreat in the California Foothills.  In a tragic irony, Luyah was due to
    be tested by the DMV tomorrow.   Police and church officials will be conducting an investigation into
    Luyah’s tithing and moral self-righteousness to see what may have weakened his faith and precipitated this catastrophe.
         The children, aged 4 to 6, were all on their way to Lake Tahoe for a mass baptism.  Said Pastor Harold Digger, “Unfortunately, everyone had to find out the hard way that Hal was not filled with the spirit of the Lord.
    But we forgive him”, he said with clenched fists.  “I believe if the children had been wearing their halos, they probably would have survived. But the bandwagon didn’t even have seatbelts.  They never stood a chance.”
         Parents were devastated until Rev. Digger reminded them all that God truly does move in mysterious ways - he has a plan, and their babies were now in Heaven.   Reassured of this, tears of sadness turned to joy, cake
    and juice were ordered, and a celebration was organized.
         After many such disasters over the years, the National Council of Churches has recently lobbied State Legislatures to lower the minimum faith requirements for bandwagon drivers.  “You never hear about a bandwagon of atheists or Buddhists driving off a cliff or getting hit by a train.  Our Christian standards are too unrealistic, too high.  We are only human,” preached Digger.  “If we can increase zoning restrictions for churches in tornado prone areas, with God’s help, we can do this also and save even more lives.”

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
     
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    Starry Starry Night

    1998 Winter Predictions

    17th December, 1997, Submitted by Madame LePinswick™ Click Here to return to Front Page
    Capricorn
    Darhlink, I see you have been calling the Psychic Hotline again.  Only
    you can make your dreams come true . . .except for that recurring one on
    Fantasy Island.  Focus on immediate goals and try some recreational
    activity on Cosmic Bowling night.  Curb those urges to stay at home
    rearranging your sock and underware drawer.  You need to get our more,
    Darhlink.  Put off filing your taxes until after the 23rd of the month.
    A Lottery ticket might be a big winner this year.

    Aquarius
    Now your moon is in the 7th house and it appears that Jupiter has aligned
    with Mars.  You are contemplating the lyrics to a rock opera.  Don’t.
    Treat yourself to a haircut instead and read Hamlet.  Always remember
    what a piece of work is man, even if he’s not the current romance in your
    life.  Plan a winter vacation somewhere near the water.  This is flowing
    water and not the frozen kind which will limit your choices.  Try Florida
    while your eggs are over my hammy.  Don’t forget your sunscreen and a
    little whole wheat toast.

    So, have happy new year and I’ll be seeing you later during winter
    solstice.

    La Revedere, Darhlinks
    Madame LePinswick

    More Winter Predictions at http://www.subbrilliant.com/subarc1297.html#Lepinswick

    .
    By E. Sue Thurman
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    DULLARD FINDS SUBBRILLIANT FORUM UNEXCITING

    Too many big words "eruditic," complains Junior College critic "Any Girls in here?" unanswered, rebuffed

     17th December, 1997 submitted by Herb Cappings Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
    (AUSTIN, TEXAS)  Child molesting, professional wrestling, censorship, theories of God and the solar system, death, home computer repair, and primitive peoples are just a few of the SuBBrilliant Forum subjects too dull for Jason Budford, 20, of Elmira, New York.  He's left the Forum for good, calling it "eruditic and blobular."

     Jason attends McDonald's Hamburger University of Chemung Canal  in downtown Elmira, a 2-year technical school, where he majors in Grill Scraping and Secret Sauce Security Maintenance. He began posting on the SuBBrilliant Forum November 14th,  using the moniker "Pigboy69" and introducing himself repeatedly by stating, "any girls in here?" SuBBrilliant News Commentator and occasional Forum contributor Viki Reed was unavailable for comment. Jason posted the same message several times a day for several days until Forum contributor Janine Jo Blagfelder, a 3-time women's wrestling beltwinner, replied "Speak for yourself, twerp." Blagfelder, under the name "Lurkette," enjoys intellectual discussion at the SuBBrilliant Forum as a hobby, between grueling  wrestling matches televised throughout Texas.

     Other contributors brought up an array of subjects, offering quotations and website addresses where further information could be found on the various subjects under sometimes heated discussion, and traded humorous ad hominem ripostes to help keep the sometimes ponderous discussions lively. Jason did his part to keep the thoughts rolling, clownishly attempting to mimic other postings and adding "This is bullshit" and "You're all a bunch of fuckwads" between approximately every other posting by other contributors.

     After a couple of weeks, other contributors complained and asked that "Pigboy69" be deleted from the forum as too disruptive. Jason replied "My, my, aren't we just so terribly eruditic in here. Well you're all blobular. I'm outta here. Fuck you all."

     "For a few postings we thought he must be a spy for THE ONION, " remarked Forum contributor and SuBBrilliant hatchetman Reverend Tyrone Dye, aka Irv "Ty Cobb" Glutealette. " After a few more he got so stupid and imitative we were sure he was a MAD TV writer here to suck up more hackneyed  jokes."

     Tyedye paused to tug thoughtfully on his pipe, a battered old meerschaum, the bowl shaped like the head of "Kaiser Bill." He explains that it's a memento from his salad days as a cub reporter helping found STARS AND STRIPES, the official newspaper of the United States Army. He had been meaning to bequeath  this pipe to his great-grandson, now an army lieutenant himself, but he was still using it. "...but when this jerk used the nonsense syllable 'blobular' in a sentence, I knew it could be none other than BOB HERSCHFELD of Bob's Fridge Door,"  he concluded triumphantly, "you know, the guy with the uncomfortable-looking sports jacket? Whattaya s'pose he paid for that thing? I guess George Zimmer didn't guarantee it. Ha ha ha. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. "

     Herschfeld, known as CYBERBOB in Wall Street Journal quotes, denied the charge, replying "I have enough blobular jerks disrupting my own chatroom. Why would I log on to somebody else's for that sort of thing?"

     Glutealette, a victim of decades of  chronic narcolepsy, was asleep before he could explain how anyone knew Herschfeld was using the moniker "Pigboy69."  But SuBBrilliant Forum's e-janitor Doris Peepoles explained. "Everybody here usually takes everybody else's internet handle and tries to imitate each other," she yammered in a slightly grating New-Jersey-Side-of-Lincoln-Tunnel accent. "So what the hell difference does it make who said what? Irv's just a crazy old coot. A shitty, unemployed, wannabe-writer."

     But lame jokes just wind up buried in the teen boneyard at MAD TV. And I'm already tired of writing this story. And I would like a certain writer at MAD TV to know, that if they hire someone with a vocabulary large enough to recognize when I am being funny in order to attempt to steal any of my jokes and translate them  into blockhead-ese, or if they even respond to this article, that I made an unusual friend from New York by passing that snotty letter around that he wrote.

    My e-mail screen turned blue with anti-semitic oaths directed at you, and the correspondent suggested that he knew how to make a silencer for a .457 Magnum out of a liter-size Pepsi Bottle, and that he is on my side forever if MAD TV writers ever choose to even look at this website again: because he is sure I am of pure Aryan ancestry and my photo looks it. This is not a movie, and the e-letter was not from a jail. No charge for the free plug. Your show is tedious and your contract won't be renewed.

         And! Anyone who comes to the SuBBrilliant Forum and uses the word "blobular" in any form to fit a sentence, may be eligible to win a 2-week expenses-paid trip to Blobyu-Land! a theme park for the obese, located just outside Elmira. Follow route 17 to the Mark Twain Causeway, turn left at the Huck Finn House of Pancakes, go two miles north on the Puddin'head Wilson temporary detour, and look to your right for the Tom Sawyer Motel. The Blobyu- Land! entrance will be visible from the parking lot. It is the old abandoned Elmira Fairgrounds, recently purchased for renovation by the Weight Watchers Society of Elmira.  We don't know how we found out "Pigboy69" was just a fat kid from Elmira. We just sort of guessed.
     

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    SuB-Dead Dark Sighted In Series

     5th December, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
    (Ithaca, NY)    SuBBrilliant Reporter Tom Dark, officially proclaimed dead by authorities in a fiery blaze during a standoff with police at his heavily fortified compound last Halloween, has been the subject of reported
    sightings around the nation and abroad.
         Lectured Cornel Astronomer Dr. Cliff Rellish, "The EZTS (ExploroZesto Tracking System), on loan from  NASA, registered a possible unusual relationship between E-Mail pertaining to alleged sightings of the late TomDark, the Gross National Product, and unfounded allegations of Brobgingnagian invaders from space.  The number of each was exactly parallel, divided by 3.126, occurring in identical frequency and tapering off with imprecise symmetrical correspondence.”
         When asked to explain this in layman’s terms, Relish replied, “Those were layman’s terms.”
         Now under temporary contract to the FBI and Interpol, the ExploroZesto Tracking System (EZTS), used successfully in the past to locate Jesus of Nazareth and Madalyn Murray-O’Hare, has been reserved to verify if the un-verified sightings are verifiable, and if so, what the resurrected Dark’s intentions might be.
         Specific ExploroZesto accountability data was not made available to the press, due to strict scientific observance of random probability laws of public mis-interpretation and panic.  However, an un-identified
    ‘SuBBrilliant News’ source has revealed that the following information was correlated:
     A broken down car registered to a Barney Rothchilds (aka Tom Dark) was discovered parked at a bus terminal in Angels Camp, California.  A child was molested nearby, and, fitting Dark’s MO, the suspect defended his behavior rationally and then escaped from confused deputies while they were
    consulting a Thesaurus.      The ExploroZesto suspects that Dark, President of the Jane Fonda Fan Club, may be stalking billionaire philanthropist Ted Turner with the intent of assuming his identity and either impregnating his wife or donating all
    his assets to ‘The Promise Keepers’, a group of religiously illiterate men who loiter around football stadiums.      These do not appear to be random events.  According to EZTS analysis, Dark may be compiling material to build a weapon of some sort.  Bragged Rellish, “With all due respect to Bruce Wayne, the EZTS makes the Bat Computer look like a child’s toy.  It is accurate in its predictions 99.999% of the time (+\- 4%).”
         Some suspect that Dark is now a correspondent for ‘The Onion’ News, writing under the new pseudo-name of Pippy Cummings.  With articles to his credit such as “Boy Born With Silver Spoon In His Mouth Undergoes Oral Surgery”, and “Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late Last Night - Werewolves Of London Again Suspected”, they bear his rambling trademark.  This has prompted the Surgeon General to force all Publishers to add a disclaimer to Dark’s editorials, past and present, warning people with asthma to avoid reading his long winded tirades without their inhaler within arms reach.
         Calaveras County District Attorney Peter Smith has issued an arrest warrant, posthumously.  “This sort of thing has happened at least once before.  Just in case Dark is a bona fide messiah and has been resurrected,
    we have put out an All Points Bulletin.”
         Psychic Jeanette Dixon prophesized, “I see the Dark Savior surfing the warm winds of El Nino, returning home to retrieve a badly singed potato launcher and word processor.”
         Dark’s eleven deceased fans and disciples could not be reached for comment without the aid of a Channeler, none of whom were available at press time.  Nor could his faithful wife Justine be contacted; she remains on a mourning holiday in Toledo, Ohio.
         Dark may now be traveling with Velcro the Cat, a deceased feline who theologians claim is heir to the  Friskies Cat Food fortune.  Just in case he has been reborn, authorities have warned the public and law enforcement officers alike to approach Dark with caution and not engage him in conversation; he is still considered armed and literate.

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
     

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    Holi-strological Wonders

    5th December, 1997, Submitted by Madame LePinswick Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.
    .

    As the holidays approach, Madame LePinswick, beautiful cybergypsy, fortune teller, soothsayer, psychic goddess and humoress, gazes into her crystal bowling ball.  She sees a few strikes in the romance department
    for those born under the winter signs.  Madame LePins will spare the details on other astrological signs until later into the winter solstice.
     

    Scorpio - Oct. 23 - Nov. 22
    Resist the urge to strike out at others, my dear Scorpion.  Opportunity may arise later in month for a clandestine sting operation.  Try to keep your passions in check and watch for Virgo in new 100% virgin wool sweater at holiday party.  Your moon is over Miami and Leo is entering your second house.  Must be vacation home in Arizona.  Might be a good time to check your homeowner’s policy for unexpected extraterrestrial shifts in the cosmos.  Time is right to add a special rider, and I’m not talking Paul Revere.  On the other hand, his cookware might make a nice Christmas gift for your mother.  You don’t call her enough.

    Sagittarius - Nov. 23 - Dec. 20
    You have been horsing around lately, Darhlink, with a strong urge to take some archery lessons.  A hay ride early in December may help bridle these tendencies.  Since you love travel, consider spending the holidays in an exotic, tropical location, this of course eliminates your brother’s house in northern Alaska.  Perhaps Indonesia would provide a nice change of pace.  You’ve got to have a dream or an enchanted evening may only give you a Bali Ha’i.  This can of course be treated with Tylenol and the locally grown tea.  Watch for a handsome Frenchman living on a hill.  Keep the mistletoe handy and your wireless phone nearby for unexpected communication encounters of the romantic kind.

    So, have happy holidays and I’ll be seeing you later in the winter solstice.

    La Revedere, Darhlinks

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    Illegal Joke Ring Uncovered At MAD TV

    FBH Investigating

    5th December, 1997 submitted by Tyedye .click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (Hollywood, CA)     If Alfred E. Newman wasn’t worried before, he is now. Reporter Tyrone Dye's, article about Elton John serenading dead corpses at funerals for a small fee ( SuBBrilliant News, September 3rd, 1997), began as a snicker but has uncovered the largest Joke ring conspiracy ever.  Tyedye was taken unawares when  MAD TV, a production of the Fox Broadcasting Network played his story out joke for joke in a skit aired on on November 16th, 1997.
         While his attorney, Jimmy Joe Pickens of San Andreas, California prepared the complicated paperwork to pursue a lawsuit (one of Dye's favourite pasttimes), Dye swore out a theft complaint with the Federal Bureau of Humour, a Comedy Task Force who work in cooperation with the Hollywood Police Department.  In a daring midnight raid upon Fox Studios, a whole cache of stolen jokes, gags, parodies and lampooneries were found in the Writers Lounge on the MAD TV sound stage.  Some entire skits were discovered that had not yet been broken down and sold for parts.
         MAD TV writers taken into custody first denied the allegations. Writers were quoted saying, “Darwin wasn’t first to think of evolution, he was just the first to write it down.  So what?  Why should he get all the credit just for that?  You think Newton discovered gravity?  Nah, he was just the first to get the theory published.”
        But, facing a possible 10 year sentence for plagiarism, writer Soren Humbrewski broke down and ratted her co-conspirators out, giving authorities an inside look into the workings of the gang.  Humbrewski told how some pathetically unimaginative MAD TV comedy ‘writers’ would loiter around street corners, bowling alleys, or Elk Lodge dinners with their ears peeled for unprotected jokes.   Other writers, ‘high tech geek types’ with
    an aptitude in electronics, cruised the Internet for satire sources and intercepted humor from alien transmissions using their HAM Radios.
         Humbrewski described the atmosphere in the writers lounge when a funny joke had been stolen.  “Cha-ching, Cha-ching!  Money in the bank baby.” When asked about her co-workers, and how they might fare in prison, She said, “Creative Consultant Mitchell Shark was always cracking us up at staff parties wearing that lampshade.  Do they have lampshades in the Joint?”
         While the majority of the stolen jokes were funny, not all were.  The comedy chop shop gang would
    sell the worst of the stockpiled gags on the black market to ‘Saturday Night Live’, an NBC competitor.  The suspected mastermind behind the comedy capers was none other than MAD TV’s Writing Supervisor, Brandon Hurt.  Said Clancy Wiggum, Bureau Chief of the FBH, satire division, “They were in the perfect position to pull this off.  They dressed fashionably and took drugs excessively, convincingly impersonating comedy geniuses with an original
    sense of humor.”  Because of their unquenchable thirst for fame and profit, the gang didn’t know when to stop.  The sole member of the writing staff to escape the studio bust was Fester Greane, who was later found at the Los Angeles International Airport with a trunk full of jokes and $55,000 in cash.
         One person has accused Tyrone Dye himself of stealing the Elton John article he claims to have authored.  Florida housewife Penny Albitz has announced that SHE thought of the Elton John bit 6 months before Princess
    Di even passed away, but just forgot to write it down anywhere.      Executive Producers of MAD TV, Laz Barx & Eve Bigguns, said the show would continue, despite the temporary loss of their writing staff while the cops sort out just who is specifically to blame.  “Comedy writers and satirists are a dime a dozen.  We’ll just hire more from ‘The Onion’.”

    Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye) 

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