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Tuesday, 31-Jan-2023 04:20:00 GMT

Politics News

Here's Waldo

Clinton Pardons Fugitive

by Tyrone Dye {a.k.a. Tyedye} ( Wednesday, 28-Feb-01 03:50:02 EST:
(New York City) Relentlessly pursued by frustrated law enforcement authorities and gawking children for over a decade, fugitive Waldo Lecter, 36, came out of hiding yesterday still stubbornly wearing his distinctive red and white striped shirt and beanie after learning that he had received a last minute Pardon by President Clinton.

Waldo, a Certified Public Accountant, was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury in 1988 on Pimping and Pandering and Tax Evasion charges. Waldo escaped after his arrest when he allegedly cut off a deputy's face and wore it as his own, then walked casually away from the jail. A master at blending in with the masses, Waldo continued to hide in plain sight for almost 13 years while remaining a notorious member of the famed FBI's Ten Most Wanted List.

Unsuccessful in their pursuit, the US Government resorted to the unprecedented strategy of publishing a Children's Book to enlist the civilian population in their search. The brainchild of Justice Department Attorney Harold Suess, the picture book was a New York Times Bestseller and had children all over the world asking their parents, "Where's Waldo"? Lecter has been spotted by keen eyed kiddies on several occasions, but always blended chameleon-like into crowds whenever police were alerted.

Employed by then Governor Clinton in 1988, Waldo helped him sort out the finances of his complicated Whitewater investment. And after a recent Federal Audit it was discovered that Waldo's wife Camille has contributed over $800,000 to Hillary Rodham Clinton's senatorial campaign. But since regular administrative channels were suspiciously bypassed, Clinton's motives for exercising his Executive Privilege and granting the Presidential Pardon remain unknown.

Waldo always maintained his innocence, and in a press release sent to SuBBrilliant News today he wrote that his newfound absolution "Further proves that our justice system still works."

© 2001 by Tyrone Dye {a.k.a. Tyedye}

Nader to Sue Voting Public

by Dugwood ( Saturday, 21-Oct-00 19:08:28 EST:

Green Party Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader announced plans to forego his campaign to for President and simply sue the people of the United States. His suit requests, as relief, that he be named President of the United States.

Nader has appeared irritable recently, commenting to a reporter that "if one more of those goofy Green Party organizers picks me up in a Volvo, I'm leaving and never coming back."

Sources close to the campaign say that public appearances and "movement building" have been difficult for the consumer advocate, who is used to a desk, a rotary phone, and a typewriter. "He's realized that he really doesn't like the American people," said one statewide Green Party Chairperson. "In fact, he doesn't like much of anything."

Many analysts point to Nader's inability to connect with union members and minorities as cause for his frustration. "He thought that because he was so smart and went to Harvard and stuff that they'd eat out of his hands. Instead they just look at him like..."

Nader reportedly hasn't found an exact legal foundation for his suit, but hopes to get an emergency injunction barring either Bush or Gore from taking office.

Outside a rally in Portland, Oregon, Nader supporters were abuzz with the news of the suit. "Beats the hell out of actually talking to real people," said one Green Party activist. "I've been out talking to a lot of my neighbors, and trying to track down potential supporters, like union members and poor people, and...they're really not that smart. Most of the people in this auditorium went to college, and read books, etc. But those people we're trying to get on board? I wouldn't trust them to stock shelves at Whole Foods, much less pick a leader of the free world."

Bush and Gore Reach Bipartisan Accord

Both Support Larger Breasts

by Mike Hamm ( Saturday, 07-Oct-00 19:39:04 EST:

AUSTIN, Texas - Vice President and Al Gore & Texas Governor George W. Bush announced an unusual bipartisan agreement yesterday. Both candidates came out in support of larger women's breasts.

Libertarian candidate Patrick Buchanan stated he felt size didn't matter, and Green Party candidate Ralph Nader said he was unsure whether he had actually seen a woman's breast but felt larger breasts led to more consumption which could only lead to more environmental degradation.

While Bush and Gore agreed on general outlines, they did state sharp differences in the details of their support as lined out in policy statements issued by both campaigns.

Governor Bush favors "round and firm with plucky nipples." Vice President Gore's preferred "somewhat floppy and flatish, with a bit of an upturn to the nipple, the areola radius being precisely one-and-one-half the length of the nipple itself… not unlike his lovely wife's".

Experts accused both parties of pandering to the swing votes of many big-breasted American women, while further alienating the small-breasted minority.

When asked about any potential backlash from women voters, a Bush spokesperson said, "we refuse to bow to such a radical arm of society" and that "their husbands need to show them whose boss anyway".

The Gore spokesperson answered the question by pointing to the back of the room and shouting "Oh my God! They're clubbing a seal!"

Vice Presidential Candidates Joseph Lieberman (D) and Dick Cheney (R) did not provide specifics on the issue. A joint statement stated "not many Americans give a damn what we think anyway. Is anyone even reading this?"

Seniors Unhappy With Presidential Candidates

by Quigley Bubblebottom ( Sunday, 03-Sep-00 17:02:06 EST:

BISCAYNE, Florida--America's senior citizens are up in arms about the choices they've been given in this year's Presidential election. Residents of Smiling Moss Active Senior's community have started a movement to reconvene both the Republican and Democratic conventions for the purpose of nominating a candidate who will more fully reflect the concerns of senior citizens nationwide.

"Gore and Bush are just too young to represent us," claimed Ralph "Red" Appler, head of the Do It Again (DIA) movement, at a meeting of the feisty golden agers, "We're looking for a candidate with a little more gumption."

"Like Wilford Brimley," suggested Edie Smasmet, vice-chairperson of DIA, "He's got gumption."

"And how! Brimley's got gumption to spare!" asserted Fess Parker, close friend of "Red" and Ms. Smamsmet, "Now there's a man who's not afraid to shoot straight on the issues. He'd stress the importance of fiber in the diet."

Ms. Smasmet concurred. "Mmm hmm. You just can't get enough fiber. It's important all right."

"Back in our day, they called it 'roughage' or 'bulk,' but the point's the same," Mr. Parker continued.

"It's a stool softener," commented Edie.

"That man Gore wouldn't know a stool softener if it hit him in the head!" stated "Red" firmly, to the applause of the non-napping crowd filling Social Room B of the Smiling Gold Activity Center, "That's just one of the reasons the Republicans and Democrats need to go back and Do It Again!"

Having stated their case against the Democratic nominee, the DIA steering committee was asked about the Republican nominee.

"Feh!" they replied unanimously. "Red" continued by saying, "He's the kid of the previous President, right? He probably drives too fast. I wouldn't give him the keys to my Caddy--not if I wanted it back in one piece. So I'm going to hand him the keys to the country? Fat chance!"

"Let me put it in terms the kids of today can understand," Ms. Smasmet said, "I can't go down on him, he gags me with a poon, homo boy, and I feel like he's whacking." She paused to sip at her water. "Give us someone more like Wilford Brimley. Him I could go down on."

"Someone with the gumption to stand up and tell America the truth about fiber!" Fess exclaimed.

Neither party has made any official response, though an unnamed Republican insider said the Republican steering committee would deal with the complaints of the seniors in the same compassionate manner they dealt with welfare recipients.

A Democratic source promised to call his grandmother, but no further action is expected.

Gore Chooses Harry Potter as Running Mate

by Tim Bauer ( Saturday, 15-Jul-00 17:59:09 EST:

WASHINGTON - Probable Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore announced today that he has chosen the up-and-coming wizard Harry Potter as his vice-presidential running mate.

Analysts applauded the decision, saying that Potter, a well-known Quidditch Seeker whose legal address is number four, Privet Drive, but who spends most of the year in Hogswart, a boarding school somewhere in England, will widen the ticket beyond the Muggle vote.

"Potter has huge name recognition among wizards," said Democratic pollster Hugo Aldren on NPR's Morning Edition. "Seventy-two percent of wizards say they plan to Disapparate out of Hogswart, put on Invisibility Cloaks and sneak into the voting booth to vote for Gore/Potter. That's almost everyone except, obviously, Slytherins."

Gore also said he's considering naming his Cabinet well before the Democratic National Convention takes place in August, leading to speculation that he may name Professor Albus Dumbledore as Secretary of State. Dumbledore, though, refused to send an owl to comment.

While Gore and Potter will surely go an attack against You-Know-Who, the Evil Dark Lord George W. Bush, the rest of the Gore/Potter platform will not be unveiled until 12:01 a.m. on Election Day.

Nader Concedes to Bush or Gore

by Tim Bauer ( Sunday, 09-Jul-00 19:01:38 EST:

LOS ANGELES - With only 123 days to go before the election, Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader has conceded the 2000 election to either Governor George W. Bush or Vice-President Al Gore.

"We've run a good race," Nader said at a press conference in the Los Angeles Sheraton Hotel, "but the people will have spoken."

Asked to clarify his reasons for leaving the race, Nader referred to an ABC/Time poll that shows Bush ahead by 14 points over Gore, 53 points over any Reform Party candidate, and Nader not mentioned.

"One percent of the vote is for 'other,' which is a clear mandate that we had some support," Nader said. "But it just wasn't enough."

"Plus," Nader continued, "some of that could have been for that weird Libertarian guy, Harry Whatsit."

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