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Religion News

St. Peter Loses Keys to Heaven

by Ken Ray ( Sunday, 17-Dec-00 19:12:31 EST:

BISON, Oklahoma - A site known for visits from the Blessed Virgin Mary had an unexpected visitor recently. St. Peter appeared to a group of 18 believers gathered at Bison's "Our Lady of Fatima" shrine Saturday with an appeal for help.

"He started off with the standard peace be with you," according to onlooker Gerald Davis, "but right from the beginning he seemed a bit distracted."

Those in attendance for the surprising vision say Peter blessed the people gathered here, and gave a few vague reassurances. Sharon Tyler, another attendee says, "the whole time, he was looking around… at the ground mostly… and occasionally patting himself." The reason soon became obvious, as the Catholic Church's first Father Confessor revealed a confession of his own. "I… uh… I seem to have uh," he stammered. "Have you guys seen the keys to Heaven?" Peter finally asked, followed closely by, "I seem to have lost them."

St. Peter went on to tell the faithful that he hasn't been sure where the keys were for several hundred years. "I definitely remember seeing them around the time of the Crusades… after that, I'm not quite sure." Those in attendance immediately dropped to their knees and began patting the ground.

"I told him I had a metal detector back at the place," said Davis, "and if he could wait a bit I'd take the truck and get 'er out here, but he said he's in a hurry."

The sense of time pressure led some to wonder if the day of the Lord was at hand. On that point, the first pope became tight lipped. "All I can say," said Peter, "is in my father's house are many mansions… and he is going to be really pissed if we can't get into any of them."

St. Peter reportedly described what he was looking for to the pilgrims as a set of about 23 oversized keys on a big gold and gem encrusted ring. "It's really a little gaudy," said the Saint, who then began tittering over the pun.

Vision True but Unwelcome?

Father Edward Romollo of the Bison Diocese believes that the vision was probably real, though he questions its necessity.

"Look," said Father Romollo, "It's not that I don't want to help… but this is the 'Our Lady of Fatima' shrine, not the 'Guest Saint Inn.' The BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary) has been appearing here for years. She's what people come for. For Peter to ride the Queen of Heaven's coattails… it's just bad form."

When asked where a better place to make his appeal would have been, Romollo had no shortage of suggestions. "St. Petersburg, Russia might be good… of course St. Petersburg, Florida is probably a bit nicer this time of year. Then there's St. Pete's in New York City… hell, there's a Pete's Coffee on every corner in some cities… try one of those."

Vatican Set to Authenticate Vision In an unprecedented move, it is rumored that the Vatican will lend credence to this vision within weeks, a process that often takes decades.

"It's just so like him," said one Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"Peter is the rock upon which this church is built, which explains a lot. The word of God is rife with missteps and goof-ups by Peter. Remember the time Jesus took him for a walk on the water? I mean there's the Son of God, not to mention Mary's kid, saying you can do it, and he nearly drowns. Then there was the time he cut off that soldier's ear, right in front of Christ. You know… Christ… the Prince of Peace?! Jesus had to fix that one for him too. We won't even get into the whole denying Jesus name thing… and just hours after he bought him that nice supper. Losing the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven is just par for the course."

God Sues Preachers

Claims Negligence and Damage to Brand

by Pilot X ( Sunday, 10-Sep-00 16:14:43 EST:

NEW JERUSALEM - Lawyers for God are preparing a suit against several preachers, mostly American, who Heaven says have been damaging the brand of religion.

"We're tired of people misconstruing our intentions and in some cases spreading outright lies," said spokesangel Michael. "We've been turning other cheeks so fast it would make your godhead spin. It's time for some Old Testament smiting."

Heaven claims that preachers have been watering down the brand of religion and faith causing undue harm to their legitimate business activities and spreading misunderstandings about God and his servants.

A statement released by Satan supported God in his lawsuit.

We in Hell believe that the ridiculous staements about the nature of the afterlife and religion are damaging not only to Heaven but all supernatural enterprise. We intend to file an amicus brief to that effect.

Experts attributed the unheard of support by Hell to the fact that many of the preachers named in God's suit misrepresent the Lord of Evil just as much as the Saviour of All.

"Sure we want the downfall of all souls, but there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it," said one Demon on condition of anonymity. "These preachers are doing more good than harm in some cases."

While the case seems strong, some are worried about the fallout should God prevail as he always eventually does.

Spokespersons for Purgatory said they may be unwilling to accept the souls of the preachers named in the suit. That might leave the preachers with nowhere to go upon death, possibly forcing God to re-open Limbo.

You Have Three Weeks To Live

by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye> ( Saturday, 11-Dec-99 19:22:50 EST:

ARMAGEDDON, Texas - SuBBrilliant News Source Robert Lavelle has disclosed that we all have just three weeks left to live. O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .

"With only two weeks left in the Christmas shopping season, and three until Judgment Day comes, again, the cosmic bits of the universe are now tumbled into alignment and those impatient for redemption need not wait much longer."

Lavelle, a highly respected Creation Scientist from the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School, has determined that on January 1, 2000, the Y2K virus is going to collapse all of the world's economies as a brief prelude to the end of the world. No more diet plans, Internet porn, bank teller lines, New Year's resolutions or cuddly puppy dogs. All those things are going to go the way of the dinosaurs and Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Based upon Lavelle's mathematical interpretation of Revelations, he predicts multi-warheads and loose gossip will fly around unsupervised by God and the doors to sanitariums will be thrown open and everybody will eat everybody else and Pokemons will turn into the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the survival of the fittest will become the law of the land until the antichrist finally forecloses upon the earth.

Within a week, the human race will experience the glorious Rapture, but not until the universe is properly displayed; O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .
Humans have the option of staying and witnessing the carnage to its cataclysmic conclusion, or, as Lavelle and other experts advise, we can convert to Christianity and ascend into Heaven before all Hell really breaks loose. For those who aspire to survive until after the Rapture, Lavelle recommends a one week supply of bottled water, candles, and canned Spam.

Primitive people once believed that "42" was the meaning of the universe. But thanks to dedicated Creation Scientists, we now know that the universe space ends and moves like this: O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .
O This is the Jerry Springer Show
+ This is the crucifix
\/ This is the Virgin labia

$ This is the Saviour
/\ I am the Walrus
= This is the Sum of Sam

Æ This is The End

Using his Holy Ghost Decoder Ring, Lavelle concluded that a proper decrypting of these symbols display that time is indeed preparing to stop and that human beings all share the same mass delusions of a rising Dow Jones Industrial Average.

This objective and humble reporter was convinced by Lavelle's sincerity and lucid arguments. It is of the utmost importance that The People receive this information before it is too late. You must warn your loved ones about the end of the world or simply suggest they subscribe to SuBBrilliant News for updates. O + (\/ $ /\) = Æ .

© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>

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