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Monday, 22-Jul-2024 01:52:50 GMT

UK News

SoyPeople Cuts Cannibalism Dramatically

by Ace Dtect ( Sunday, 17-Sep-00 17:49:08 EST:

LONDON - A new product called SoyPeople© has proved skeptics wrong and become highly popular with consumers of human flesh.

"You can't even tell the difference!" exclaimed Marjorie Smythe-Skauffington-Smythe, long-time cannibal and mother of three. "If I didn;t know any better, I might believe I was eating me own mum."

Purveyors of fine genetically engineered soy products noted the success in recent years of soy-sausage and soy-burgers and decided to give a go at human flesh.

"It's a simple process," said Hugh Smith, spokesperson for SoyDrama Ltd. "You take a bit of the genetic code of whatever it is your trying to imitate and introduce it into the soy plant. Soy, being such a bland food, sucks up the flavor of the introduced agent, like a baby sucks milk."

Critics say SoyPeople© lacks the true smokiness and tang of real human meat but sales figures say otherwise.

Not only that, but Mark Belgrave, Minister of INternal Consumption, shows that in the first four months of SoyPeople's availability, cannibalism has shown a steady decline, with the greatest gains in the west country and Cornwall.

"I am proud to say that in today's forward-looking Britain, one is more likely to be hit by a car than be eaten by a neighbor," quipped Belgrave.

After completeing a 6 month test run in Britain, SoyDrama hopes to begin exporting the foods to France and California, both top consumers of people.

Monarchy Unexpectedly Treated as Real

by Ace Dtect ( Sunday, 09-Jul-00 18:51:59 EST:

LONDON - In a surprising turn of events, Mohamed al-Fayed, owner of the department store Harrods is treating the British Monarchy as a viable and not wholly imaginary institution.

Harrods has announced they will remove the royal warrant from his store because none of the royal family shop there.

"It's unheard of," said one banker who wished to remian anonymous. "I didn't think anyone took royal seals and warrants seriously anymore. In fact I'd quite forgotten that the royal family was in fact real. I'd somehow got the idea in my head that they had been transformed into a BBC melodrama sometime in the 1980s."

This bank isn't alone in his shock and surprise to find that an individual person could acrually react to what many feel is a political fiction.

Most shoppers surveyed outside Harrods expressed concern that the management expected the monarchy to show up.

"Everyone knows it's a sitcom," said Rebecca Totsworth, 29, Soho. "I mean sure, the royal family's one of my favorite TV dramas, but everyone knows it's not real. Excpet maybe Americans."

None of the royal family could be reached for comment. Niles Peterson announced this staement from outside Buckingham Palce.

"I have been Producing.. er... serving the royal family for years. They are as real as anyone."

Harrods declined to comment further except to reiterate that the Duke of Edinburgh was banned from the store as he may in fact be alive.

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