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Tuesday, 27-Feb-2024 16:09:56 GMT

US News

Chandra who?

by Tyrone Dye (a.k.a. tyedye) ( Tuesday, 07-Aug-01 04:08:24 EST:

22 year old Chandra Levy has been missing for over three months and her congressman lover (who is not a suspect) has put up a one million dollar reward to the person who finds her but doesn't tell anyone. Not since the Harlequin romance between our last president and White House Intern Monica Lewinsky has such a scandal made a politician the tasty main course at a media feeding frenzy (get your elbows off the table!).

Heading the police investigation into Chandra's disappearance are CNN and ABC News, a joint task force that has already uncovered Hell's Angels assassins, drunken siblings and a discarded jewelry box. Such revelations have stimulated the nation's interest and led to daily demands of, "more coverage, more coverage!"

To help keep the public informed, FOX Broadcasting mogul Rupert Murdoch has created THE CHANDRA NETWORK: A 24 hour cable channel that follows the indefinite investigation into the intern's mysterious disappearance. Hosted by Bill Clinton, watch as respected paparazzi stake out the home and office of Congressman Gary Condit, (who is not a suspect). Mrs. Condit interviews her husband's current and previous mistresses, reviews the latest gossip and innuendo, and explores the psychological motivations between naïve young women and her blow dried, plastic faced husband.

Legal commentary is provided by resigned congressman and fellow philanderer Newt Gingrich, with moral analysis by spiritual leader and ladies man Jesse Jackson. Senadulterer Ted Kennedy will discuss the potential political consequences of the congressman's affairs. An added daily feature will have pro basketball player Patrick "Casanova Gold" Ewing track Condit's struggling Fantasy League Baseball team (Condit's DC Lawyers) in its race for the pennant.

Oh, and once every hour a photograph of Chandra will flash on the screen so viewers don't lose sight of the network's ultimate purpose, which is to find Chandra Levy.

© 2001 by Tyrone Dye {a.k.a. Tyedye}

Town Hosts Diversity Fair, Kills All Who Attend

by Ken Ray ( Wednesday, 28-Feb-01 04:08:24 EST:

White Plains, MS - A celebration of the nation's diversity turned into a bloodbath this week, just as the civic leaders of White Plains, Mississippi intended. "Sometimes things do go according to plan," says White Plains Sheriff Petie Deck, "this was just one of those times." Billed as festival highlighting the contributions of "folks from all parts" to the White Plains community, The 2001 Diversapaloozey was actually part of a plan to, "weed out the kind of left leanin' libral pinkos what's ruinin' this country," according to festival planner Moxie Tittle. The other part of the plan involved triangulation of gunfire.

"We put a whole mess of thought into the layout of the festival grounds," says Ida Mae Tate, facilities coordinator. "Then we just said the band was gonna play, and when all the people went to the stage, we let 'em have it." The band, billed as The Oogely Boogelies from parts unknown, was actually a fiction perpetrated by event planners.

Despite the 100 percent kill ratio, White Plains Mayor Paul "Plainy" Walker calls the event a modest success. "Sure we got 'em all," says Walker, "but only eight people showed up. I think maybe next year we'll try advertisin'."

Federal Government, ACLU Plan no Action

Attorney General John Ashcroft was quick to outline the Bush administration's plans for dealing with the White Plains situation. "We've pretty much settled on a stern course of non-involvement," says Ashcroft. "It is the kind of thing upon which we might frown someplace else… you know, New York, Dallas… someplace that mattered. However, I don't see us getting involved here."

President Bush seemed to echo Ashcroft's sentiments, saying, "I ran on a smaller government ticket. Sometimes less is more, but heretofore, not this time, ergo… you see what I'm saying?"

Perhaps surprisingly, the American Civil Liberties Union also has no action planned. "Yeah," says ACLU Legal Counsel Barry Steinhardt, "I can see where you'd think we might do something here. I mean this kind of thing is usually right up our alley but… um… no." Steinhardt goes on to explain that the ACLU's lack of action has quite a bit to do with the location. "Come on," says Steinhardt, "have you ever been to White Plains, Mississippi? I spent a week there one night let me tell you."

Clinton Declares They Both Win

Compromise Solution Ends Vote Controversy

by Tom Merritt ( Saturday, 07-Oct-00 19:43:41 EST:

WASHINGTON -- Declaring the election really just too close to call, President Bill Clinton has issued an executive order declaring both Vice President Al Gore and Governor George W. Bush the winners of the Presidency of the United States

"My legacy is that of peacemaker and bipartisanship," said Clinton at a press conference. "Vice President Gore and Governor Bush will just have to learn how to get along. I mean, hey, Hillary and I have been through some tough times too. We can make it after all. Thank you and God bless."

While most of Washington was stunned by the announcement, many in the business community declared it a big win for the phrase win-win.

"This is win-win for win-win and gives us pause as we contemplate the possibly of a win-win-win-win situation that the world has never seen before," said motivational speaker Stephen Covey.

A special large size bible has been ordered for the swearing in of the two presidents. Laura Bush and Tipper Gore have already planned a White House shopping trip in an early sign of hope for the arrangement.

Feds Bust Elementary Ritalin Ring

Three Dealers Arrested at Recess

by Mike Hamm ( Saturday, 07-Oct-00 19:43:41 EST:

AUSTIN, Texas - In a daring pre-recess raid at J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School the Drug Enforcement Agency wrapped up a two-month-long investigation into the illegal trafficking of the Ritalin. Three unidentified 10-year males were taken into custody and charged with intent to distribute a controlled substance.

The operation began two months ago when local police received an anonymous tip implicating the three boys and another child who was arrested at his residence. The decision to move in came as surveillance teams witnessed an exchange between two boys, elaborately masked as a lunch item swap. Sixty tablets of Ritalin at an estimated street value of $100 (or a $10 co-pay) were found in a Pokemon lunchbox.

The raid was the pilot operation of the DEA's new Juvenile Operations/Kids Events units, which also acts as a talent service for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.

A scuffle ensued at the fourth suspect's house as he cried "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" and squirmed vigorously. A shot of pepper spray to the face ended the boy's resistance.

"I simply can't believe my little Nelson is dealing in Ritalin," commented the suspect's mother, Rita Muntz. "We just wanted him to be happy and to sit still for one freaking minute."

No injuries were reported, although several children, including the suspects complained that the agents were "kinda mean" and "sucked". One child referred to the lead agent as a "smelly butt monkey".

Ritalin is an oft-prescribed treatment for rowdy children. The drug has been linked to stunted growth and, in adults, increased alcohol tolerance as well as erectile dysfunction.

If convicted the children could receive up to two weeks in their rooms with no television or phone privileges.

Buchanan Gay, Ventura Not

by Quigley Bubblebottom ( Sunday, 24-Sep-00 17:16:41 EST:

Detroit - Reform Party Presidential nominee Patrick Buchanan today made a surprise announcement confirming rumors that have dogged his campaign.

"I am gay," he stated to a crowd of silent, slack-jawed supporters at a campaign stop, "but this does not mean that I am any different than I ever was, or ever have been. I'm still the same populist, far-right pseudo-racist I've always been, but I'm a GAY populist, far-right pseudo-racist. So let the Hitler comparisons stop right here, right now."

Supporters of Mr. Buchanan were stunned by the announcement. "Look at me," said Ernie Burkhart, sobbing pitifully, "I've never cried before, not even when my mother was savaged by my German Shephard, Poopsie. And now..." and he broke into heaving sobs once again. "I mean, I loved that man. LOVED him. And now I'm crying like a..." A sudden look of terrified recognition passed across Mr. Burkhart's face. "OH MY GOD! I MUST BE GAY, TOO!"

Mr. Burkhart then became hysterical and was led away by some friends.

Ex-Governor Jesse Ventura, running independently for President, took the opportunity to make an announcement on a similar theme at a press conference in Houston.

"I am NOT gay," Mr. Ventura stated, "Yes, I'm a muscular man with a mustache, shaved head, and buttocks as hard as rocks, but let me assure all of you that my wife and I enjoy vigorous heterosexual relations two or three times a month, just like any other normal American couple."

Response from the Presidential campaigns of the other parties was swift.

Vice President Al Gore's press secretary read a prepared statement that said, "although the Vice President would like to be gay, he had met Tipper first. His sexual orientation was cemented at that point, and he has been as dull as dishwater ever since."

Governor Bush's camp stated that while the Governor may have been gay at one point in his distant past, his gay period was over, though it could be reclaimed for the right price.

Green Party candidate Ralph Nader answered his own phone and said that he was not gay, nor had he ever been gay. "I'm a dork," as he put it, "a complete drip. No one of either sex would have me. Why do you think I filed all those lawsuits, Quigley? Because I could never get laid."

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