Businesses Felt Old Definition Decreased Shareholder Value
by Tom Merritt (email@example.com) Saturday, 21-Oct-00 19:15:37 EST:
SAN FRANCISCO - Led by investment titan Charles Schwab (NYSE:SCH), leading business investors enacted legislation redefining ethics more broadly with less hindrance to business.
Congress ratified the bill and sent it to the President who was under orders from his backers to sign it into law.
"Americans are tired of legal quagmires impeding the free flow of capital. Ou redefinition of ethics makes it very clear that right and wrong are not matters for the courts," said leading investment banker Chip Smith.
The new legislation states that whenever ethical questions threaten to delay or impede a business transaction, an algorithm developed by leading economists will determine who is on the right and summarily resolve the ethical dilemma.
"Businesses know what's best for business," said statistical economist Judy Au. "Under the old system anyone could make frivolous assertions of ethical violations. Under this system the business is innocent until proven guilty. To prove a business guilty of ethical violations requires a demonstration of preponderant damage and hindrance to the normal flow of commerce and therefeore quality of life of the public and business community as a whole."
Opponents say the new ethical rules don't provide enough leeway for moral considerations or conflicts of interest.
A few fringe naysayers claimed that the new system wasn't ethics at all but a self-justification of commerce for its own sake. Positive nihilists supported this view but also supported the new ethical legislation and almost anything else we mentioned.
SBN Interview: Dick Cheney
by Dugwood (firstname.lastname@example.org) Sunday, 03-Sep-00 17:05:55 EST:
Subbrilliant News recently caught up with GOP Vice Presidential candidate Dick Cheney as he
was about to receive the Enron Corporation's "Statesman of the Year" award.
SBN: Thank you for your time.
Dick: My pleasure.
SBN: I'd like to ask you about a few of your more controversial stands from your record as a
Congressman from Wyoming. First off, you voted against the reauthorization of the Head Start
program, which most experts agree is a successful investment, and is wildly popular in both
Dick: I come from the perspective that we need to think about the message we send to the
nation's youth. Governor Bush and I talk alot about breaking the cycle of dependency, and I
don't think you can on one hand criticize dependency and then on the other hand support
hand-outs to small children. Studies show that most welfare recipients nowadays went to Head
Start. They also got used to other handouts, like these things you call "lending libraries"
and public schools. The message we send as a society is very clear: if you're poor there will
be pre-K education, nutritional programs, basic health care for your children. If you don't
have the money to buy a book, "here, take this one for free. But please bring it back."
(laughs) I think any reputable historian will tell you that America was a far better country
when people paid their way. Used to be, young children were taught a much more valuable lesson
than they now receive in our nation's public schools, or "welfare breeding grounds" as I like
to call them. And that lesson is this: if you're young child -- and I'm talking five or six
years old here -- and can't afford to go to private school, maybe some good hard work in a
textile mill or a coal mine 'll do you good.
SBN: You also voted against sanctions against South Africa during apartheid.
Dick: Well, as you know, I represented Wyoming in Congress. And as you probably also know,
very few black people live in Wyoming. But this part might surprise you: DeBeers, Shell Oil
and many other companies doing business in South Africa have lobbyists with lots of money.
Black South Africans had no lobbyists at that time. So I really only got one side of the
story. Had there been some nice African guy with a bone through his nose or something telling
me about why apartheid was bad, and if he could have made a campaign contribution, I'm sure I
would have listened. And had I represented inner city Baltimore, or Detroit, who knows how I
would have voted?
SBN: Governor Bush has been hounded by rumors of cocaine use, would you care to comment?
Dick: Everyone in the oil business snorts coke.
SBN: But you yourself worked in the oil business after leaving the Executive Branch...
Dick: I repeat, everyone in the oil business snorts coke.
SBN: Yet you're ticket supports things like mandatory minimum sentences. I'm surprised that
Dick: (laughs heartily) Ohhh, I understand now. You're not familiar with the drug, or the
culture of the oil fields. We support mandatory minimums for for small amounts of crack and
huge quantities of blow. You see, mostly poor people smoke crack, so they should go to jail
anyway -- and for a long time. But the only people with enough powder to get a mandatory
minimum are the dealers, who more often than not are minorities, so they should probably go to
jail as well.
The oil fields are a unique place. It's high stress, rough and tumble. People make
and lose fortunes in a matter of hours. We often used to say "When the black stuffs flowin',
best to keep blowin."
Time Warner to Bring Classice into the "E-age"
by Bonesy Jones (email@example.com) Saturday, 03-Jun-00 18:35:22 EST:
NEW YORK - Over the last few weeks, all the major publishers have been climbing up on the e-publishing band-wagon. On the top of that pile, as you might expect, is Time Warner. On May 23rd they proudly unveiled their new publishing venture, iPublish.com.
"Our intention," said Greg Voynow, general manager of the new division, "is to completely and utterly dominate
the Internet publishing field through every means possible." Expected to be up and running by early
2001, iPublish promises to unveil many unique strategies for capturing the developing market.
"Not to give anything away with regard to our big sellers," confides Voynow, "but we are set to redefine the way
people read books. Exclamation point. Period."
The first wave of this strategy is that iPublish will re-release most of the world's classics, from Homer to Shakespeare to Tolstoy, online in a new format for free. But these are not your
father's same old classics.
"The clincher," claims Voynow, "is that our bleeding edge technology will now make
it possible to choose different endings to these great works. We call this our ReWrite the Classics Series. I
mean, how many of us would enjoy reading about how Achilles lives; or how Hamlet becomes king; or, even,
that Anna Karenina remarries and lives happily ever after.? People are going to eat this up. It will bring the
classics back to life for a whole new generation."
Cultural and literary critics are up in arms. Claire Zion,
iPublish editorial director, dismisses them as "just a bunch of frustrated academics. These old profs need to
move into the eAge".
As a show of good will, iPublish will supply over 10,000 high schools with the hardware to
access and read the new ReWrite the Classics Series.
"Our marketing department," adds Zion, "has
conducted study after study that indicates three problem areas with most of the so called Classics as they are
taught these days: they are too long, have too many words, and too many unhappy endings. iPublish has the
technology to change this."
Will future generations know Achilles as an old man telling stories of a great war? Will Hamlet be the old King of
Denmark and Anna Karenina a smiling and gentle grandmother? Time Warner and iPublish are investing
their future and yours in the hopes that this will be case.
Hospital Cuts Costs by Cutting Out Patients
by Pilot X (firstname.lastname@example.org) Wednesday, 19-Apr-00 14:40:32 EST:
URBANA, Illinois - Carle Hospital has announced a plan to cut patients in an effort to bring the troubled hospital back into the black.
Studies show that allowing sick people to come in and stay in a hospital, dramatically affects profitability.
"More patients does not mean more profit," said Dr. Rich Stephenson. "And let's face it. A hospital is a business. Our bottom line is making money."
Carle plans to cut out loss makers like treating the ill, and consulting with the sick.
"We'll hold on to our very profitable surgery, and emergency room operations, as well as our very profitable, band-aid and aspirin re-sale businesses. But treating the sick just doesn't make financial sense anymore.
Carle hopes to expand it's gift shop with the extra room.
"We're also kicking out long term patients," said Dr. Stephenson. "We're tired of being saddled with their debts."