Warming Trend Could Devastate Oregon Crops
by TJ Jackman (firstname.lastname@example.org) Monday, 20-Nov-00 16:45:17 EST:
A 20 year warming trend could devastate finances in America's Pacific Northwest.
have had heat waves throughout the past. This one just
happens to be lasting twenty years," cautioned a Portland meteorologist.
Most residents are more concerned about business fallout than environmental concerns.
Asian Financial advisor MoDoetan-ue explained,
"A large portion of the Northwest's economy comes
from supplying some of the finest crops in the country.
If this warming trend continues,
it could very well reduce the harvest time of both
marijuana and mushrooms to only two-three months.
The financial effects would be disastrous."
Other financial experts predicted shortened harvests could force farmers into holding
9-5 jobs, reducing consumer shopping to the weekends.
Many automobile insurance companies however, feel
optimistic about the future predictions.
One spokeswoman from 'Crook-N-steel' insurance stated,
"With the reduction of traffickers..err... I mean traffic
(once the Northwest is forced to hold jobs) it will reduce
our claims paid out by 50%! Don't misunderstand me, that
wont change or reduce your rates one bit,but it sure will
be good for us."
Northwest harvest season continues to develop, I will be right on top of the stuff
(uhh,I mean) information. Keeping you informed every
step as it grows... unfolds.
narcotics reporter TJ Jackman
"Puberty" To Be Taught As Theory
by Tyler Bryce (email@example.com) Sunday, 03-Sep-00 17:00:53 EST:
GEORGETOWN, Texas - The Georgetown Independent School District is considering a controversial proposal to teach the theory of puberty to local pre-teens -- a reversal of their current policy of strictly "don't ask, don't tell".
Leading local educators want to mirror the programs used in more liberal school districts, and advocate the dramatic approach described by fifth-grade teacher Mr. Johnson: "What we would do is, first, take all the fifth grade girls to the library and describe to them what theoretically is about to happen to their bodies. Then, we would take all the fifth-grade boys to the library and describe what is theoretically about to happen to their bodies."
Local civic leaders are against the proposal. Reverend Billy Joe Hornamy, leader of the local chapter of Parents Against Acknowledging Sex, believes that such open approaches to the "puberty" theory may send kids the wrong message. "If we tell the kids that the changes that they are going through are biologically normal, soon they will all be smoking crack!"
In an impassioned plea to the school board, Hornamy stated, "The kids should learn about these things in the more traditional ways, like showering after gym class, or scrambled cable TV images."
Lucy Housegarden, the librarian for Georgetown middle school, suggests a compromise. "We can teach the theory of 'puberty' to the children if we also teach them the importance of abstaining from these changes."
The school board will vote Thursday night on the proposal.
Woman Listens to MIDI on Purpose
by Regina Preciado (firstname.lastname@example.org) Saturday, 15-Jul-00 17:55:51 EST:
LOS ANGELES - A desperately haunted Hollywood resident sought out a MIDI file on the Internet this morning and listened to the entire thing.
Police report that Lynn McCurdy had the tune of a Shania Twain song stuck in her mind for three days. LAPD is holding her for observation and say they will release her when she stabilizes.
Psychiatrists are not optimistic about McCurdy's prognosis for recovery. "I played it a few times," McCurdy admitted to doctors. "It's not that bad."
"Sometimes people who spend too much time at the computer
lose their ability to distinguish between music and MIDI," explained Dr. Terrence Galore, head researcher at Sound-Mind Labs in Costa Mesa, "We're seeing more
of what we highly paid doctors call Musical Idiot Dementia Indicator (MIDI) as more high-tech businesses arrive in Southern California."
Sound-Mind Labs contains a treatment center in addition to its research
facility, but McCurdy refused admission, insisting that she's "just fine"
and that it was "just this one time."
"Denial is common in the early stages of MIDI," says Dr. Galore. "It's too
bad, because we usually see a complete recovery when we start early. It's a
progressive condition. It starts with Shania Twain or Celine Dion--
relatively harmless. Then suddenly they're listening to the Backstreet Boys
Is there any chance of recovery after that point? "Most people show some
degree of improvement if they come in for intense treatment," Dr. Galore
says. "For example, they might still listen to Hanson, but they'll find MP3s
instead of MIDIs. We're recommending that Ms. McCurdy be put on a strict regimen of Napster"
The song, "Any Man of Mine," appears on Twain's album "The Woman in Me."
Time Stops Marching
by Pilot X (email@example.com) Sunday, 09-Jul-00 19:03:46 EST:
GREENWICH - After millions of years of marching, time has decided to slow to an informal stroll.
"We're just a bit tired" said a spokesperson for time. "We've been marching since the beginning of time. It's time's decision to slow down now."
As time is a relative construct most people won't notice the difference.
Although around midnight GMT Tuesday July 6th, time stopped for a moment to catch it's breath. Many reported feeling like time stopped for them.
"That's typical for lovers and people engaged in viweing beautiful or momentous events," said the spokesperson. "I'll wager any feelings of time stopping on that date are merely coincidence."
The change will provide ammunition for cliche fighters against those who use the phrase "Time marches on."