SuBBrilliant News

June 26, 2017

Australia wants microphone companies to record terrorists’ conversations

by Acedtect

OTTAWA – This week Canada, the UK, Australia, the US and New Zealand — aka the “Five Eyes” countries — meet in Ottawa. Yesterday, Australia announced it wants to push for microphone companies to give governments more access to people’s conversations.

The battle between governments and microphone companies for access to private conversations isn’t new. Terrorists can use private conversations, away from microphones, to communicate without fear of government eavesdropping. Microphone companies are often caught between a need to protect their user base’s privacy — by not recording everything everywhere— and helping to thwart terrorism. Meanwhile, governments have criticized these companies for allowing terrorists to operate out of earshot mostly unchecked.

While it’s unlikely that concrete policy changes will happen immediately, it’s noteworthy that Australia is making it a priority. “These discussions will focus on the need to cooperate with microphone providers to ensure reasonable assistance is provided to law enforcement and security agencies,” said Australian Attorney General Senator Brandeis.

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January 26, 2011

87% of Burkina Faso can’t find Burkina Faso on a map

by Acedtect

(Ouagadougou) A recent study of resident of Burkina Faso can’t find their own country on a map.

“We win,” said a local livestock farmer. “Take that dumb Americans.”

A large percentage of the country cannot read, so many of them had trouble even reading the survey questions.

“I think most of them just participated in the survey for the free Milky Way mini-bites,” remarked a Sorghum merchant.

The results were also likely influenced by the current existent of the Mossi Kingdom and its court in the Burkina capital.

“What’s Burkina Faso?” asked a woman when interviewed. “Long live Mogho Naba.”

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August 12, 2010

Secret government gridlocked over economy

by Acedtect

REYKJAVIK – The secret world government closed another plenary session without a resolution over what to do with the world economy. Officials would not comment as they can’t acknowledge that a secret world government exists int he first place.

Hans Al-Jaha, who has no knowledge of any kind of secret world government told reporters, “If in theory there was a secret world government who had planned a recession and now could not resolve the best way to transition out of it, then I would guess, although this is pure speculation, that we would see more mixed economic indicators for quite awhile. But the notion of a secret world government is preposterous.”

Al-Jaha was then whisked away in an unmarked black sedan that transformed into a helicopter shortly thereafter.

Sources familiar with the debate deny that any debate exists but speculate that if in some hypothetical universe it did, the conflict would be over whether recovery would be staggered or even.

“One group would advocate an even recovery to smooth out some of the economic inequities that had been exacerbated by the previous boom,” said one delegate who refused to acknowledge that he was talking to us or even that he existed at all. “The other group believes the best way to balance the economy is to allow China, Brazil, and other previously difficult economies, to lead the way out. That group had been winning the debate until the last few months. Of course this is all hogwash and you’re imagining me anyway.”

The delegate then disappeared into an alley and could not be found.

The next round of secret government talks won’t take place in Jakarta, Indonesia, and definitely not begin on August 18 as there is no such thing as a secret world government.

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June 23, 2010

Dogs push for cat leash laws

by Acedtect

BERKELEY – A coalition of dog rights groups has proposed a mandatory leash law for cats after an alleged Manx attack put a 41-year-old woman in the hospital.

“Leash laws for dogs have been in place for decades while cats are allowed to roam dangerously free,” read the coalition’s statement. “This policy has been a time-bomb that has unfortunately, and tragically gone off. We call for parity in the treatment of domestic animals.”

The new law targets cats but would require any domestic animal to be treated under a universal law regardless of species. That would mean leashes for cats and homeowner’s associations allowed to restrict more aggressive breeds like Siamese.

“I support it wholeheartedly,” said Berkeley resident Juanita Simon. “I am not a speciesist. We need equal protection for all animals.”

However cat organizations have been taken off guard and feel the Manx attack has been exaggerated. The Feline Freedom Foundation hastily issued a response saying, “the so-called Manx attack was nothing more than a slight scratch after a poorly-delivered head scratch. While the woman was hospitalized, the reasons were to treat a broken bone suffered after the attack occurred, not as a direct result of the scratch.”

Still the dog coalition stresses that we must not wait for a more serious event before we act.

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February 9, 2010

Man accused of thinking for himself

by Acedtect

OKLAHOMA CITY – 40-year-old Justin Mann, a dairy worker from Tuttle, Oklahoma has been accused of thinking for himself and not neatly falling into a stereotype.

Friends report that Tuttle began acting odd when he espoused what they considered socialist viewpoints.

“Well he said he was pretty sure Obama was a citizen first-off. I mean where’s the proof,” said an anonymous neighbor. “Then went off all half-cocked saying he thinks there is some pretty good evidence for climate change, even if he isn’t 100% sure yet. Well didn’t that just take the cake! He’s a nutball. I won’t have anything to do with him.”

Initially local Democrats rallied to his side, but were soon confronted with disappointment.

“At first we were like, right on Justin! But then he said some things in questionable taste,” said Judy Smith.

Mann had told some of the Democrats trying to get him involved in party activities that he believed the government was mishandling health care reform.

“Well that put us off, “said Smith. “No need to be a hater. But if that wasn’t enough, he didn’t think the government should help people pay off bad mortgages. Heartless! Plus he says we have to lower taxes to encourage high-achievers. Well that’s just nonsense. He’s obviously not a thinker.”

Now Mann says he is left with no friends or allies.

“Turns out thinking for yourself is not all it’s cracked up to be. I was much happier when I just blindly followed whatever reasoning was given out on radio and TV. I think I’ll go back to that,” said Mann. “I just hope the Communist Party has room for me. They seem to be the best at this sort of thing.”

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