April 30, 2018
President Tweets in complete sentence using appropriate punctuation and capitalization
WASHINGTON – The President shocked Washington pundits and news analysts Sunday by tweeting a complete sentence that did not use all caps and followed norms of punctuation.
The Tweet rocked the Sunday news shows causing one host to wonder if the President is still fit to post on Twitter.
The post itself said, “We have to remember as Americans that we all want improvement in the general welfare.”
The lack of all cap slogans or snide remarks or insults generated hours of commentary as pundits read the tea leaves to figure out what the President was really saying.
The White House issued a statement saying the President stands behind his post.
June 26, 2017
Australia wants microphone companies to record terrorists’ conversations
OTTAWA – This week Canada, the UK, Australia, the US and New Zealand — aka the “Five Eyes” countries — meet in Ottawa. Yesterday, Australia announced it wants to push for microphone companies to give governments more access to people’s conversations.
The battle between governments and microphone companies for access to private conversations isn’t new. Terrorists can use private conversations, away from microphones, to communicate without fear of government eavesdropping. Microphone companies are often caught between a need to protect their user base’s privacy — by not recording everything everywhere— and helping to thwart terrorism. Meanwhile, governments have criticized these companies for allowing terrorists to operate out of earshot mostly unchecked.
While it’s unlikely that concrete policy changes will happen immediately, it’s noteworthy that Australia is making it a priority. “These discussions will focus on the need to cooperate with microphone providers to ensure reasonable assistance is provided to law enforcement and security agencies,” said Australian Attorney General Senator Brandeis.
January 26, 2011
87% of Burkina Faso can’t find Burkina Faso on a map
(Ouagadougou) A recent study of resident of Burkina Faso can’t find their own country on a map.
“We win,” said a local livestock farmer. “Take that dumb Americans.”
A large percentage of the country cannot read, so many of them had trouble even reading the survey questions.
“I think most of them just participated in the survey for the free Milky Way mini-bites,” remarked a Sorghum merchant.
The results were also likely influenced by the current existent of the Mossi Kingdom and its court in the Burkina capital.
“What’s Burkina Faso?” asked a woman when interviewed. “Long live Mogho Naba.”
August 12, 2010
Secret government gridlocked over economy
REYKJAVIK – The secret world government closed another plenary session without a resolution over what to do with the world economy. Officials would not comment as they can’t acknowledge that a secret world government exists int he first place.
Hans Al-Jaha, who has no knowledge of any kind of secret world government told reporters, “If in theory there was a secret world government who had planned a recession and now could not resolve the best way to transition out of it, then I would guess, although this is pure speculation, that we would see more mixed economic indicators for quite awhile. But the notion of a secret world government is preposterous.”
Al-Jaha was then whisked away in an unmarked black sedan that transformed into a helicopter shortly thereafter.
Sources familiar with the debate deny that any debate exists but speculate that if in some hypothetical universe it did, the conflict would be over whether recovery would be staggered or even.
“One group would advocate an even recovery to smooth out some of the economic inequities that had been exacerbated by the previous boom,” said one delegate who refused to acknowledge that he was talking to us or even that he existed at all. “The other group believes the best way to balance the economy is to allow China, Brazil, and other previously difficult economies, to lead the way out. That group had been winning the debate until the last few months. Of course this is all hogwash and you’re imagining me anyway.”
The delegate then disappeared into an alley and could not be found.
The next round of secret government talks won’t take place in Jakarta, Indonesia, and definitely not begin on August 18 as there is no such thing as a secret world government.
June 23, 2010
Dogs push for cat leash laws
BERKELEY – A coalition of dog rights groups has proposed a mandatory leash law for cats after an alleged Manx attack put a 41-year-old woman in the hospital.
“Leash laws for dogs have been in place for decades while cats are allowed to roam dangerously free,” read the coalition’s statement. “This policy has been a time-bomb that has unfortunately, and tragically gone off. We call for parity in the treatment of domestic animals.”
The new law targets cats but would require any domestic animal to be treated under a universal law regardless of species. That would mean leashes for cats and homeowner’s associations allowed to restrict more aggressive breeds like Siamese.
“I support it wholeheartedly,” said Berkeley resident Juanita Simon. “I am not a speciesist. We need equal protection for all animals.”
However cat organizations have been taken off guard and feel the Manx attack has been exaggerated. The Feline Freedom Foundation hastily issued a response saying, “the so-called Manx attack was nothing more than a slight scratch after a poorly-delivered head scratch. While the woman was hospitalized, the reasons were to treat a broken bone suffered after the attack occurred, not as a direct result of the scratch.”
Still the dog coalition stresses that we must not wait for a more serious event before we act.