November 18, 2005
Woman gets younger to win argument
(SORENTO, IL) – 45 year-old Dana Mueller used to be 47. Doctors at Greenville Regional Hospital confirmed that Mrs. Mueller is in fact getting younger.
“It’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen in my 53 years of treating scrapes, sprains, and sore throats,” said General Practicioner Dr. Gerald Daisy. “But there’s no doubt about the results. Mrs. Mueller is younger than the last time I examined her.”
Mueller refused to give interviews but reports indicate she began getting younger out of spite.
“We had an argument. I don’t remember what about,” said her husand, Jack Mueller. “You know how these things go. I told her she wasn’t getting any younger and she said, Oh yeah!”
A week after the argument Mrs. Mueller, still steamed, stormed off to the hospital shouting “I’m going to prove you wrong… again.. Jack!”
It took two days for test results to be confirmed. Doctors from Washington University in St. Louis have requested the test results for review.
“If we can figure out how to replicate this, we may be prescribing spite and bitter acrimony to older people as a curative,” said Dean of Medicine at Washington University Charlie Spoetzel.
November 8, 2005
Kansas restricts teaching of gravity
(TOPEKA, Kansas) – The state of Kansas has approved new science standards for schools that cast doubt on gravity.
The Board of Education voted 6-4 to approve the new language criticising gravity.
Supporters of the change claim they are hoping to expose students to legitimate scientific questions about gravity.
The decision is part of a wide-ranging national debate over the teaching of gravity and intelligent design.
The theory of intelligent design contends that the universe is too complex to be explained by science and must have been created by a higher power.
Current Kansas state standards treat gravity as well-established, a view held by national science groups.
The new standards include several specific challenges, including statements that there is a lack of evidence or natural explanation for gravitons, and charges that quantum theories are inconsistent with the theory of gravity.
It also states that says certain gravitational explanations “are not based on direct observations… and often reflect… inferences from indirect or circumstantial evidence”.
“This is a great day for education,” board chairman Steve Abrams told SuBBrilliant News.
Individual local Kansas community school boards will retain controlover how gravity is taught, but student tests will use the new standards to measure how well schools teach science.
Educators fear pressure will increase in some communities to teach less about gravity or more about intelligent design.
November 1, 2005
Woman arrested for whistling
(ATLANTA) A woman on a commuter train was arrested today for failing to get authorization to perform a musical composition.
Ms. Nelda Wilder of East Point was whistling a popular tune when recording industry professionals presented her with a bill. When Ms. Wilder stated she could not pay the bill she was taken under arrest.
“Ms. Wilder has wilfully performed this composition often without even trying to seek any permission or authorization,” claimed a representative of the recording industry. “The tune is quite catchy and lodges in the brains of anyone in listening distance. This kind of unauthorized performance and distribution takes food off the tables of some of America’s greatest artists. We need to educate the public. Whistling is theft.”
Ms. Wilder was released on bond but will face both civil and criminal charges.
The recording industry does not feel they are being overzealous.
“Ms. Wilder represents the worst kind of offender, a seemingly innocent one. It is this kind of abuse that is the most insidious and must be stamped out wherever it occurs. If people want to whistle their own compositions in public that’s their look out. We’re not trying to eliminate tuneless whistling, just any combination of notes that can generate a revenue stream.”