SuBBrilliant News

April 28, 2017

United Airlines to Appear to Improve Customer Service

by Acedtect

SAN FRANCISCO – United Airlines announced new customer-friendly policies to help improve the experiences of its passengers after some controversy over its treatment of a doctor asked to leave a flight.

Among the improvements are:

– Limiting use of police for beatings
– Raising the percentage of customers allowed on to flights they have paid for.
– Increase hush money for mistreated passengers
– Establish team to provide creative solutions, like viewing a Blu-ray of your destination istead of traveling there!
– Insure all flights have pilots.
– Train employees
– Use robots to “volunteer” people for removal from flights.
– Only sell 20% more seats than a plane has.
– Adopt a “no questions asked” policy on lost luggage. (United will pretend you never asked where your luggage is)
– Announce delays are the result of “acts of god” rather than pretending there is no delay.
– Institute a “no-sneering policy” when answering customer questions.

United says it remains committed to giving its most frequent customers the best possible service no matter what it means. But the airline is till willing to appear to try to care about people in coach.

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