August 10, 2006
(PHILADELPHIA) – A recent study of chatroom and instant message behaviour shows rampant lying in the online world.
90 percent of chatters who claimed in acronym they were rolling on the floor laughing were really just sitting quietly at their computer.
“In fact, most weren’t even laughing.Â The majority were merely smirking or chucking at best,” said Norm Nordquist of the Institute for Communication Study.
“We found the same thing with LMAO. Not only were the asses firmly connected to the chatters in question, but again, mirthful behaviour was limited.”
Similar numbers were found for AFK, BRB, and JK.
“Over 50 percent of people who said AFK, stayed at the keyboard. A full 60 percent of those claiming to BRB did not come right back. And worst, we found that over 90 percent of JK typers were in fact not kidding at all, but quite serious.”
The Institute has called for remedial actions before the affects of chat-lying become permanent.
“This sort of behaviour could tear our society apart,” said Nordquist. “If we allow it to continue, we could very well see apathy towards government, cultural illiteracy, and the rise of a community that values celebrities more than their neighbours.Â I shudder at the prospect.”
August 3, 2006
The secret world government called a hasty meeting in their buried world headquarters this week, to discuss the turmoil in the middle east.
“This is getting way out of hand. We did not approve this. It should not be happening. Not yet,” said one member of the council.
Among controlling the world economies, developing sitcoms, and flouridating water, the secret world government also schedules wars.
“There was a small skirmish scheduled for around now as I recall but somebody’s getting overenthusiastic. Or at least well ahead of schedule.”
An angry crowd of secret people who run the world filled the secret chambers for the first time since David Hasselhof was created.
“We have unprecedented attendance. Only the undead body of John Kennedy is absent. I believe he’s vacationing in Cuba,” said a spokesperson.
The secret government will debate several alternate proposals and choose a course of action. The plan will be covered up and denied by 5 p.m. Friday.