January 28, 2006
(WASHINGTON) The President of the United States just wants to make sure he’s “hearing what everyone’s saying,” said a press spokesperson answering questions about the US warrantless phone-tapping issue.
“First and foremost the President doesn’t need a warrant to spy on anyone, as long as we’re in a state of war. And a state of war does not need either a declaration of war, or a well-defined enemy,” said the spokesperson.
“Second I think the President is tired, I think we’re all tired, and the American people certainly are tired, of hearing the media focus on the negatives of warrantless spying. A lot of positives go entirely uncovered by the major media.
“The President knows that in the course of spying on very specific dangerous terrorist targets, we may hear some things not related to terrorism. And that’s good! The President values his connection with the American people. How can knowing a little bit more about what they’re thinking, what their daily lives are like, how can that be bad?
“The President just wants to be a good listener. I think that’s patriotic,” the spokesperson summed up.
The Bush administration does not believe all Americans would mind being spied on with or without a court order.
“We have the feeling, that most freedom-loving Americans would feel more secure knowing the President, and the brave fighting men and women, were out there listening and caring,” responded the spokesperson. “Far from fearing an erosion of civil liberties, we think that most people feel comforted by this.”
January 24, 2006
(HOLLYWOOD) – The MPAA brought a case against Ronald Smith of Buena Vista, California, alleging gross violations of intellectual property rights and video piracy.
The MPAA alleges Smith willfully invited friends over to his house to watch a TiVo recording of the movie ‘War of the Worlds’ without first seeking permission and paying a license.
“Essentially Mr. Smith was stealing from Tom Cruise here,” said MPAA’s spokesperson. “Instead of being able to make a living off the purchases of movie tickets or DVDs by Mr. Smith’s friends, Tom Cruise, and the producers of the War of the Worlds movie, one who I have come to understand has a very sick and small and cute child, are left out in the cold. Literally. Did Mr. Smith consider he was taking food from a cold sick child’s mouth when he so cavalierly invited loads of people to steal this movie?”
Smith said he only invited two buddies over and that they’d watched movies at his and others’ houses quite often.
The MPAA asserets that watching a videotape is a different matter than watching digital videos.
“The high-definition and digital nature of the copy Mr. Smith displayed is entirely different than watching an old videotape. We have no problem with the way things were done in the past, but this is new technology. Videotapes left people feeling like they wanted more. A digital recording, like the one Mr. Smith stole, does not. And people should be forced to pay,” said the MPAA spokesperson.
The MPAA has asked congress to require future video-playing devices to be equipped with technology that would scan the room for a headcount and automatically debit the credit cards of anyone watching the movie.
January 19, 2006
(Amman) – A group of anonymous terrorists announced a professional society to help reduce the number of amateurs engaging in suicide bombing.
“With all the media coverage, kids these days think anyone can just waltz in and blow themselves up in Baghdad,” said anonymous terrorist one. “They don’t understand it’s an art. You have to learn it. If you do it right, you’ll only get once chance at it. It’s not something you want to just wing it, you know?.”
The International Brotherhood of Self-sacrifical Explosionaries (IBSE) will consist of a board of directors oversseing a school and certification program. Members will be solicited consistently.
“This is obviously a high-turnover occupation,” said anonymous terrorist one. “We’ll always be recruiting. And it’s a tough job. Kids look at me and say ‘you’ve never done it. why should I listen to you?’ but as they say, if you can’t do, teach. We need these kids to know they can safely and securely self-destruct and not leave themselves permanently damaged. But if they don’t have proper instruction, they’re risking their lives. Well, you know what I mean. Not properly risking their lives.”
The IBSE says they aim to reduce the total number of bombings, while increasing their quality. They also will issue confirmations of whether any given bombing is IBSE approved or not.
“We won’t be claiming or assigning credit of course. We must protect the confidentiality of our clients. But we can issue blanket assurances of quality. Most of the major organizations are on board. We’ve heard Osama loves it. So we don’t expect the certification or not to be too telling.”
January 1, 2006
We usually don’t deal with the internal workings of Subbrilliant News, but we’re very excited about the new interface of WordPress, which we use to publish. Hence we’ve decided to post a picture of a pet to show just how reverted to Web 1.0 we’ve become with all the excitement. Hopefully this new interface will lead to more stories this year.
Happy new year from SuBBrilliant News.