June 19, 2009
A human rights commission blasted the United States over allegations of torture.
“For over 10 years US officials have twisted, turned, and abused metaphors in ways not humanly possible. It’s time for a reckoning,” read the report’s summary.
President George W. Bush receives the most attention, with 314 counts of malapropism, 735 counts of misstated folk sayings and several thousand tortured metaphors.
But President Obama did not receive a pass, receiving hundreds of counts of his own.
“While President Obama’s soaring rhetoric has received high praise, we cannot overlook his occasional violence to the language,” the report stated.
Obama came under harsh criticism for a particular kind of torture known as hard labor.
“Making anything, including a word, work constantly without rest day and night, is not exempt from the title of torture,” the report mentioned. “Obama’s cruel and unusual use of the word ‘look’ cannot be excused.”
The report was spurred by complaints to the UN by the union of similes who have found themselves also ill-used. Many are out of work.
“We don’t like it,” said a Simile union representative.
June 12, 2009
In a move to make it easier to buy cold medicines like Sudafed, the National Cold Medicine Association held a protest in front of the offices of Senator Dianne Feinstein today.
Feinstein co-authored the bill that places restrictions and a waiting period on cold medicines that could be used to make methampetamines.
“The NCMA believes it is a violation of our constitutional rights to place any barrier between a God-fearing American and their cold remedies,” said spokesperson Alan Heston. “You can have our pseudophedrine when you pry it from our clammy, feverish, weakened hands!”
Current laws restrict how much medicine containing pseudophedrine can be purchased, and require a government-issued ID be shown in order to make a purchase. Because of these laws, most pharmacies sell these medicines from the same counter where the sell prescriptions, meaning a waiting period behind even sicker people is often necessary.
“Let me get this straight,” said Heston speaking to a crowd of supporters. “In order to punish meth users, I have to wait in line, while I’m sick as a dog from a cold, with a bunch of people who have even worse diseases, that I might catch! How is that punishing the meth user?! Well I’ve got news for you Senator Feinstein, Sudafed doesn’t kill, people who buy Sudafed and cook it with other stuff and make meth and then overdoes on it kills people…..uh, usually themselves.”
Supporters carried placards with slogans like “Snot is not a crime,” “Restrict the Fed, Not the Pseudopheds,” and “I’m sick and I vote!”
The NCMA is dedicated to overturning current restrictions and preventing further laws from being put in place.
“They start when they come for your cold medicine,” said Heston. “Then they come for your aspirins and ibuprofens. And pretty soon you’re in a back alley, risking your life with a drug dealer just to buy some Flinstone vitamins for your kids!”
June 1, 2009
As General Motors files for bankruptcy, the United States Government will take a 60 percent stake in the automobile manufacturer. The US has not missed a beat announcing the first new model car to arrive after the new ownership takes control.
The On Board Activated Machine (O.B.A.M.) will feature the ability to let a centralized network do the driving while the operator makes minimal decisions, and is allowed the luxury to focus on other activities while driving. It will be marketed under the Chevrolet brand.
“Self-driving machines have been a dream since the dawn of the automobile,” said a government spokesperson. “We harken back to a time when the horse could know the way home with minimal input from you. The Chevy OBAM will take care of all your driving needs for you. We believe this will raise productivity and boost the economy while improving the quality of life for millions.”
The first model, the OBAM A, will come in three government approved colors, red, white, and blue, and feature Bluetooth, in-car Internet, and a front seat DVD player, the first legally available of its kind.