October 29, 2005
(HEAVEN) – Lawyers for God have announced they plan a lawsuit against several Christian groups over copyright violation.
Under current copyright law, the unauthorized use of divine inspiration is a violation of the law. The lawyers say they are gathering evidence from several church sermons and will bring a suit once proper jursdiction is determined.
“We could use the judgement of heaven,” said one lawyer, “but aside form the apparent conflict of interest, transporting witnesses is sort of a one-way trip.”
God did not appear at the announcement but his representative, Archangel Michael, read from a prepared statement.
“All this rubbish about what I created and when and what my will is, has gotten far out of hand. I’ve already brought one suit for defamation but the punishment for that is pretty weak. Thankfully copyright law violation brings punishment worse than murder.”
Defendants have not been named but several church leaders have claimed they will not be targeted.
“Whatever helps them sleep at night,” said one lawyer.
October 9, 2005
(WASHINGTON, DC) – A group of time travellers using a secret government-developed time machine have confirmed that the ‘good old days’ oft longed for were only average.
“We took several measurements from several different perspectives and have taken care to insure the data was not biased,” said team leader Patrick Rose. “That’s just fancy scientist talk for ‘we we’re damned certain about this.”
The team’s original mission was to travel back in time to discover what was so good about the good old days and make recommendations for making these days just as good.
Instead of fulfilling their mission, the team found out that the good old days were not so different from these days and were in fact only average.
“The only hopeful discovery of our research is that people in the good old days longed for a different good old days. We’re preparing now to visit those good old days and see what we can learn from that time period.”
Meanwhile scientists across the country decried the work as frivilous and unsubstantiated.
“There is no such thing as a time machine,” said Professor Larry Pitts. “Back in the good old days people didn’t allow these kinds of stories to get out of hand.”